Terminator Salvation is . . .

better than I thought it was going to be. Not great, but better than I was anticipating. Now before I delve into my normal movie review, I'm going to reiterate something I wrote earlier. If I find myself in a situation where I want to/need to kill someone, there's absolutely no chance I drag that out. I'm going to chop his fucking head off. I'm not going to pick him up and throw him across the screen or toy with him or do any fucking bullshit. I'm going to straight decapitate him. I'm sick of movies where the hero is captured by his arch nemesis and instead of just killing him, there's an elaborate fight scene or some stupid bull shit. Straight murder. That's the way Slick rolls.

Loyal readers of the blog will remember my standard movie questions and official ranking system. For those of you who are new here, that means you creepy charter guy, the system is broken down accordingly: A Must Watch, A Should Watch, An If you have nothing better to do, An "Eh, Unimpressed", and finally, the much dreaded "Transformers 2". However, three new tweaks must be made. The first is the introduction of a new question: Was this movie predictable? Because even if a movie sucks, if it does something unexpected I'll at least respect it. The second is that I've cut the "Not Worth It" category because I feel like the "Eh, unimpressed" category covers that. Finally, I need a clarification of the "Transformers 2" category. I watched Transformers 2 again last week (don't worry that review is coming) and I realized that it wasn't as shitty as I thought it was. Now before you call me a hypocrite, it was still really shitty. But I realized that it's not on the same plane of shitty as Batman Returns, so my system needed to be revamped. Therefore, the dreaded "Transformers 2" ranking applies to movies that absolutely suck or piss me off when I'm watching them. So with these new improvements, let's go.

Question 1: Would I watch this movie again? Probably not. It was like getting punched in the balls, once is enough. You're not going to rewatch this movie and realize you missed something the first time around. Question 2: Would I have been mad had I paid to see this movie in theaters? Yeah, probably. But, seeing as how I saw it for free I'm not really upset by it. That's probably why I hate Transformers 2 so much, because I paid my hard-earned Randall's money to see that crap. Had I paid to see Terminator Salvation, I probably would have hated it. This will be addressed later. Question 3: Does this movie make sense? NO FUCKING CHANCE. Granted I haven't seen any of the other Terminator movies so I'm not really sure what's going on, but there's absolutely no chance the computer doesn't win this war. Second, the Terminators are absolutely fucking useless. They fucking suck. If you have a giant robot the size of a fucking office building why are you using a piece of shit that has a weakness if you stab it in neck? Stupid fucking robots. I would have made John Connor my bitch. And if you capture John Connor, don't just fucking stand there playing with your . . . robot balls? . . . just fucking kill him. End of war. I guess? Question 4: Was it predictable? Humans win, shocking. And if I ruined the movie for you I don't feel bad because you're a moron.

Rating: Level 4, "Eh, Unimpressed." It was better than I thought it was going to be, but I can't in good conscience recommend that anyone see this movie.

Something I've discovered about movies is that my opinion of them is influenced by two things. First, did I pay for it? Because if I did I have higher expectations. Second, and this is Matt's contribution to the blog for like the year . . . I guess . . . is that my opinion of a movie is affected by what I think of the movie going in. With Transformers 2 (it always comes back to Transformers 2) I expected that movie to be really good. Clearly, I didn't think it was. But, with Terminator Salvation I expected it to be awful, so I was pleasantly surprised when it was just bad.

Finally, my recurring segment "Things that survive an Apocalypse"
1. Motorcycles. No gangs, but the motorcycles are still there.
2. Pregnant bitches trying to get all up in the club.
3. Those weird glove things that don't have any fingers. BECAUSE MY PALMS ARE COLD BUT MY FINGERS ARE BURNING!!!!!
4. CGI Arnold Scwarzeneggers.
5. Popped collars. Because nothing says, "Hey I'm part of the resistance but I'm also kind of a douche," better than a popped collar.

"Hand in hand we can live together, ginger or not, we're all the same. Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, cause it's lame." -Eric Cartman

That doesn't really apply to anything, I just like that episode.

-Slick