Ninja Assasin is . . .

a decent action movie. But we'll get to that shortly. Having been chastised by certain members of my family for not writing anything, I decided I would dust off the old keyboard and give this blogging thing another go 'round. Also they were very mean about my writing style. I forget exactly what they said but I believe the words "stale" and "predictable" were thrown out. Look for their new blog: "MMMMCriticsmsOfMMMMOpinions". It will also feature guest editorials by devoted MMMMOpinion reader and soon-to-be mother of twins "Melissa." Yes, the same Melissa who provided the tip that lead (led? I have no idea) to the acquisition of the Puppy Pool. Readers of the world famous MMMMBurgers of course already know this. Yeah, Jon blew up my spot and got a puppy pool despite all of my hard work. That's some straight pug crap right there. Maybe I can get Odin to leave a fresh steaming pile of personality on Jon's pillows. So, to get back to one of my original points, don't expect this post to be the profanity-laced rant you're used to. Mostly because I don't really have anything bad to say about Ninja Assassin. I don't really have anything good to say either but we'll get to all that shortly. Man, that paragraph was likely a Lil' Wayne rap . . . poorly written and incoherent. But alas, I must go to trivia night so I will have to write the actual opinion when I return. My hands are already cramping up from all that writing.

We didn't win trivia because I suck. We did come in second. I suck.

Alright, so normally this is the part of my writing style where I finally get down to business and say something pretentious like, "It's a movie review so you know how it goes," except that it's been so long I sort of forget the structure I've settled on for now. Let's remind ourselves how these bad boys work in this week's breakdown. Apparently I have a 4 question system and then a cleverly nicknamed 1-5 rating. Without any more ado, let's finally get 'er done. Question 1: Would I watch this movie again? No, once was enough. Question 2: Would I have been mad if I had seen this movie in theaters? Yeah, probably. This movie wasn't bad but there's no way I would have been pleased if I had paid to see it. Question 3: Does this movie make sense? No. I'm going to "spoil" this movie because in all likelihood if you haven't seen it by now you have no intention of seeing it. I think the plot of this movie revolves around a guy (portrayed by Rain, Stephen Colbert's archnemesis) who was raised to be a, yup you guessed it, a Ninja Assassin. But then his fuck buddy is killed by his brother (I couldn't tell if it was his actual brother or like his ninja brother) and he's all like, "I'm not paying full price for this muffler" and decides to leave. Then the ninjas decided to kill some chick who works for Europol and Rain needs to save her because she has a special heart or some bullshit I didn't care about. Long story short, Rain kills like 65 ninjas on his quest for redemption which is just stupid. I don't care if he's the best ninja in the world, he can't kill them all when it's 20 on 1. And if I see another scene where some guy is woefully outnumbered but then fights his way one guy at a time I'm going to be pissed. Attacking him one at a time ruins your advantage when he's clearly a superior ninja. The movie ends with Europol invading their super secret ninja dojo and shooting up the place, which I have to question the legality of because I don't think they presented a search warrant. Fucking police always up in everyone's business. It was your typical action movie where there's not really a plot but they make up for it with lots of fight scenes. Question 4: Was this movie predictable? Yeah, at no point did I ever doubt that Rain and new butt buddy were going to survive.

Ranking: Level 3 - a classic "If you have nothing better to do." Don't expect to be wowed by this movie, but don't expect to be overly disappointed. Some decent fight scenes make this movie alright.

Let's see if we can't make this "blogging" a semi-regular occurrence.

-Slick