Warning - this post is going to be extremely long. I get super excited when I'm writing about beer and tend to be long-winded. Don't say I didn't tell you ahead of time.
I may be wrong (which happens with alarming frequency), but it seems like there are more and more pumpkin beers every year. In an effort to educate the masses, and also to keep you from having crappy pumpkin beer in your fridge if I am at your house, I have taken it upon myself to try as many of these beers as I can. I realize that this may be a hardship for my liver, but my readers are worth it. You can thank me later. With beer.
And now, in no particular order, here are your pumpkin contenders. I like making up ridiculous rating systems, so each beer will be rated based on the number of 12-oz bottles I think I could drink consecutively of each variety before I throw up, pass out or just plain get sick of them.
Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale
Well, this one is news to me. I didn't realize that Sam Adams even had a pumpkin variety. Probably because this is the first year, so I can't be blamed for my ignorance. I am not sure that it's even in its own pack yet, because I've only gotten it in their Harvest Mix-Pack. Side note - why do the Sam Adams mix-packs always have either one or two garbage beers in them? Like the Harvest mix-pack. What is Dunkelweizen doing in there? It tastes like feet!! Ok, side note over.
I was pleasantly surprised by this beer. It has a super pumpkiny smell (there needs to be an adjective for that, so "pumpkiny" is the one I'll be using), but it's not overpoweringly pumpkiny tasting. I actually let it warm up a little, and that made it taste a little better. There's probably a beer-related explanation for that, but you aren't going to get it here. Maybe when Mmmm, Beer launches I'll go into more detail about the beers. Anyway, if you're making your first foray into pumpkin beers, this is not a bad starting point. Beer rating: 7. Let's get a little silly, but then we should probably change over to something else.
Shipyard Smashed Pumpkin
This is a special beer from Shipyard that comes in a fancy bottle with some guy's signature on it. It might be a seasonal beer, but I'm not sure because Kathryn got me a bottle of it about a month ago. Is that even pumpkin season? Do pumpkins grow in Maine? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Smashed Pumpkin has a very different pumpkin flavor. It tastes more sweet, like a pumpkin pie. Be careful though, because this stuff is like 9.0% ABV, which is enough to kick your ass if you aren't paying attention. I would call this beer a dessert beer, although I'm sure that means something completely different in beer-snob circles. If you aren't into sweet beers, you probably aren't going to like this one. I still think it's worth a taste though. Maybe you'll find it's right up your alley. How am I supposed to know? Oh, PS - this beer seems to only come in 22-oz bottles. I am still giving my rating in 12-oz bottles. Beer rating: 3. The sweetness is a bit cloying. Maybe we'll finish the night off with some of this, but we aren't drinking it all night.
Blue Moon Harvest Moon
You being serious right now? Haven't I made my opinion on Blue Moon quite clear at this point? Fine, let's do this again. If you drink this beer, I hate you. If you have this beer at your house and invite me over, I'm going to show up, see it, then leave. If you bring this beer to my house, you're not coming in. You can go sit in your car and wait for me to dump out one of your beers and throw the bottle at your windshield. Don't disrespect my house like that. Beer rating: 0. I'd rather be sober than drink this piss.
Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale
This beer is a dirty liar. When you pop the top and take a sniff, it smells delightfully pumpkiny. Then you take a sip, and it's like getting punched in the ear. What happened to all that pumpkiny goodness!? It's gone, and all that's left is a flavor like crappy Bud Light with a hint of pumpkin. You betrayed me, Jack.
I suppose that if I had been more careful, I would not have been surprised since this beer comes from Anheuser-Busch. I really have to lower my expectations for their silliness. Beer rating: 1. I would drink one just so I can appreciate other, good beers more. Then I'd try to trick other people into drinking the rest.
Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale
Now we're talking. For sheer amount of pumpkiny taste, this is the beer to get. It has come to my attention that the pumpkin flavor in this beer is artificially done, but I don't really care. If you're a beer purist, then that might concern you, but my guess is that you're the type of person who gets wasted on Bud Light a couple times a year and couldn't care less about quality.
I love this beer. The first day it comes out in package stores every year is like a mini-Christmas for me. And when it's gone from stores every year, it feels like. . . I don't know, some crappy holiday. Flag Day maybe? However, the first day it's gone, my liver celebrates like it's Independence Day, throwing off the oppressive shackles of the previous two months' workload. Kathryn told me that she just picked up a 12-pack yesterday, which means that I'm definitely getting at least 7 of those. Even just writing that down makes me smile. Beer rating: 12, based on my current tolerance. The real rating is however many beers I'm currently able to drink.
Buffalo Bill's Pumpkin Ale
Oh boy, this beer has an exciting name! A funny name will always trump a boring one if I'm undecided about what to buy. If you ever open a brewery, you should consult me before you start naming your beers. Actually, you should let me work for you. Working in a brewery would probably be awesome. And if it sucked, at least I could get drunk at work, which would make it more tolerable.
This beer blows. Sadly, a neat name can't make up for low quality beer. I can't tell what is not great about it, but it's just not that good. It doesn't smell as pumpkiny as the others, and it doesn't taste very pumpkiny at all. I feel like those are important qualities for a pumpkin beer to have. Now I have to figure out a way to get other people to drink the rest of these. Haha, just kidding. . . . Beer rating: 2. I would drink a second one just to figure out what's going on here.
Post Road Pumpkin Ale
This beer is actually from Brooklyn Brewery, but they keep that on the DL, just like the big American companies do with their fake micro-brews. I don't really get it in this case, since Brooklyn Brewery is pretty much a micro-brewery as is, but hey, whatever.
This has to be the most carbonated of all the pumpkin beers I've had, although I have one more to try. I just don't want to have to come back and edit this section, so I'm being lazy. It's also a lot hoppier than the other ones. That second thing is going to be hit or miss with everyone since everyone has their own feelings on how hoppy beer should be. It doesn't bother me though. I think I would actually like this beer more if it wasn't a pumpkin beer. There's a slight pumpkin aroma, but it's just barely there. It's got a nice pumpkiny aftertaste though, which I feel is more important than the smell. Beer rating: 5. I'll start drinking, and then you can come over and we'll drink the last 2 beers together.
Southampton Publick House Pumpkin Ale
Why is there a "k" up there? That's ridiculous. Maybe I'll start throwing extra letters into words just to make things silly. You're already starting in the hole here, SPHPA.
This is another beer with a light pumpkin smell. It has a stronger pumpkin taste than expected though, with a hint of something else that I can't quite put my finger on. Cinnamon? Nutmeg? Marjoram? Seriously, what is marjoram? I might get some and start throwing it into my cooking just to solve this mystery. Sorry, got a little sidetracked there. Those spices are tricky little bastards. Anyway, this is a pretty good beer. I think you should try it. Also, the beer rating on this one is fixed based on previous ratings. I really need to stop using rating systems. Beer rating: 6. I would drink more of these than the last one, but not as many as that Sam Adams beer.
And now we conclude another massive post that has spanned multiple days of "research." I think that I may now use the word "research" when I really mean that I'm going out drinking. I was going to give a final thought about pumpkin beers here, but now I don't feel like doing it, and also I forgot what I was going to type. Um, so pretty much it comes down to this: if my birthday was in September, you would be buying me Pumpkinhead for my birthday. Since it's not, I guess I'll have to buy 8 cases next weekend. Hopefully I'll sober up for the Festa though, as I have a lot of research to do there.
-Jon
*I realize it's not fall, but I am not in charge of the beer schedule. You probably also noticed that Sam Summer came out on April 1st, which is not summer by any stretch of the imagination. You may have also seen Octoberfest/Oktoberfest beers out, even though it isn't September yet.** Beers apparently come out whenever they feel like it, regardless of how ridiculous it seems.
**I know the name is Oktoberfest, but it starts in September every year. Read a fucking book for once.
No comments:
Post a Comment