It's been a while since big Slick brewed up a fresh batch of commercial haterade, but have no fear; this week I've seen the trifecta of shitty ass commercials. Right to the hatred. Those swears aren't going to write themselves.
The Shake Weight: One of the most baffling commercials in the history of mankind. The commercial claims that in only six minutes a day you can get ripped like your on some sort of hgh. The only problem is that every guy, ever, in the history of mankind already uses a shake weight six minutes a day and most of them are fat slobs. Get it? It's because the shake weight makes it look like you're giving yourself the "low five." Back when the shake weight for women came out there was a video from either Funnyordie or Collegehumor or some website like that that redubbed the commercial to say, "It's like j-ing off d after d." I can't believe that no one in product development or market research or advertising or really anybody associated with the product wasn't like, "Ummmmmm yeah but it looks a lot like masturbating." I'm gonna have to guess that there were no men involved or they just thought it was funny. Heh heh. Masturbation.
The New Snuggie Commercial: In a very close second for Slick's Worst Commercial on Television is the snuggie remix. The snuggie is a robe that you wear backwards but looks twice as retarded. I don't really remember how this new commercial goes because I've tried to block it from my memory, but I believe it's the "Macarena" remixed with horrible, horrible, really just god awful snuggie lyrics. I saw a person wearing a snuggie once and I immediately lost all respect for that person but since I'm apparently as old as Kathryn my memory is starting to go and I can't remember who it was. I have to assume my brain was so horrified by what I saw that I instantaneously repressed that memory. The snuggie incident and that time that "Uncle Carlos" stayed at our house . . . wait a minute . . . Uncle Carlos? That doesn't sound right. But really, these people go outside in a snuggie? Wear a sweatshirt, wear a fucking jacket, basically wear anything but if I see you wear a snuggie I'm going to punch you in the man/lady balls (depending on gender) and then run away. Seriously, I will hurt you. All 9 of you have been warned.
The Quizno's 5-4-3 Cat Commercials: Chances are that if you've talked to me for more than 20 seconds at some point I've talked about how much I hate cats. I feel like my passionate but well-deserved hatred of cats is a real conversation piece. I hate cats. The worst dog is still better than the best cat. I can't stand cats. I don't like them. I don't trust them. Any animal that doesn't get excited when you come home is not a pet. Also, I have yet to meet a nice cat. "Oh but my cat is so sweet" . . . blah, blah, blah. Your cat sucks. Deal with it. This piece of shit is set to the tune of "Three Blind Mice" but it's sung in a super annoying voice and it doesn't rhyme. If you're lucky Jon turned this into a link for you so you should go watch it and see how bad it is. I have to guess that they picked the three blind mice tune and then tried to put words to it before deciding, "Yeah it doesn't rhyme but fuck it. That's the commercial. Dance monkeys. Eat our delicious delicious subs." This commercial is bad enough that I would consider never eating Quizno's again and I fucking love that place. You know what would have made that commercial better? Puppies . . . and less annoying voices . . . and getting rid of the commercial entirely.
I'm not very happy with this post. Maybe I'll rewrite it and post it again. But probably not. Hopefully my next one about the Green Zone will be better.
-Slick
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I like that you refused to capitalize "Shake Weight" or "Snuggie," which implies that you have such little respect for each product that you will not even acknowledge it as a proper noun.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I did make that a link, but as you know I am not happy about it. So I refused to proofread the rest of your post, which needs several commas.