Shameless Self-Promotion

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Wow, I really love reading Mmmm, [whatever], but there aren't nearly enough stories!"? Do you find that your attention span is too short to read my incredibly long treatises of brilliance? Was the last post I wrote so epically awesome that you stood up at your computer and cheered? Do you wish that you could experience my hilarity in doses of 140 characters or fewer?

You are in luck!

After drinking a few beers the other night, I convinced myself that I needed a Twitter account for. . . actually I don't really know why. I think because someone put Nickelback, then Jewel, then Tom Petty on in that order on the jukebox at the Lighthouse, and I thought that other people needed to know this information. That's just a weird combination of music. Unfortunately, I have a very strict policy against updating Facebook statuses multiple times per day, so that option was out. Enter Twitter!

Some people have Twitter feeds filled with important updates, or worthy causes, or interesting news. Mine will have none of that. It will be random nonsense, and hopefully contain humour. Other than that, keep your expectations low.

If you're interested in following this undiluted awesomeness, which you obviously should be since you read the stuff here already, the name is TheRealMrDias. Maybe I can get more followers than Kanye.

-Jon

Bigger and Slicker

Let's just get one thing straight: Big Slick shows up when he wants to. Period. I don't need some slapdick blogger calling me out because I've only written one post this month. It's my super sexy body, I'll blog when I want. But you want more of Slick Willy Styles? I'll see what I can do. You want more of the hard hitting ranting that you can only find in the MMMM franchise? You got it. Is the Slick Dawg the best mother fucking blogger on the planet, you know, when he actually gets around to writing? NO ONE DENIES THIS!!! Then you got Jon giving out auditions to join MMMMopinions. I don't remember that coming up at the weekly staff meeting. I think he's trying to replace me. Well, fuuuuuuuucck that. You don't put the kibosh on Slick like that. So tell your friends. Tell your neighbors. Tell your children . . . well, no on second thought don't tell the children. But get the word out: Slick is back, and he's bigger and slicker.

I hate Halloween. Fucking hate it. It's become some sort of inverse relationship that the older I am, the less I like Halloween. And now, at the ripe old age of 22, I hate it. What? I'm supposed to give you candy because you put on a costume and I live in a residential neighborhood? Good thing Jon lives here because there was about a 3.6% chance that I was going to buy candy. And if I did I was going to eat all the good stuff and give away the shit. "Happy Halloween! You can have my milk duds. THEY'RE CHOCOLATE COVERED POISON, BITCH! MUAAAAHHAHAHAHAH!!!" Clearly I don't get into the holiday spirit and that's because I can't pull off the "slutty ______" that every girl decides is their costume. I saw a slutty train conductor. Well fuck, that's what I wanted to be but no one wants to see me with a conductor hat on and my tits hanging out. Talk about a double standard. Oh, you can be a slutty librarian, or a slutty secretary, or a slutty cat but I show up as a slutty firefighter and all of a sudden I'm the weirdo. Well fuck that, and fuck this stupid holiday.

-Slick

Random Things That Confuse Me

For all of my readers that are identical twins that used to have the last name of "Sagan," this counts as your Christmas present because I know how much those specific readers enjoy random musings without any coherent connections.

The world is very confusing. I think we can all agree on that. However, some of the things that are confusing have no business happening, as they are easily fixed. Can't we take some of the money that's funding the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan and put it to good use by solving these problems? There are going to be a lot of rhetorical questions here, so you should probably be prepared. And away we go!

Burritos - Why didn't I eat burritos before? They are fantastic! Everything in them is delicious! And yet, somehow, I didn't really eat them until I was probably 25 years old. Does this mean that the first 25 years of my life were a waste? It might.

Candy Corn - Man, is there any sugar-based "food" that is more polarizing than candy corn? Why do people hate it so much? It's not nearly as bad as hiding coconut inside your candy (I'm talking to you, Mounds and Almond Joy!). If you want to start some fighting, bring candy corn to a party. Or host a party and put candy corn out. People have very strong candy corn opinions. I bet you would get a much more emotional reaction from the majority of people if you ask them about candy corn than you would if you asked them about the upcoming elections. Actually, that is pretty sad.

Leafers - Leafers, or leaf peepers, or whatever they are called, are absolutely baffling to me. Are you seriously driving 100s of miles to look at trees that aren't green any more? What is wrong with you people!!? Is New England the only place that has trees that change color? What the heck is going on here!? Also, these people are terrible drivers. I had a volleyball match up at Pioneer Regional one Saturday afternoon, and 91 was absolutely clogged with New York and CT drivers (go here for my take on drivers from Connecticut) who couldn't maintain a consistent speed because of all the amazing colors. Clowns.

Strawberry candy - Why are strawberries so delicious, but strawberry candy is so disappointing? You know that if you pick up a red candy expecting cherry and get strawberry instead, the candy is ruined. No one is ever like "Oh wow! I was expecting cherry, but I got this awesome strawberry candy instead!!" It's always "Aw man, I thought it was cherry!" and a sad face. Statistically speaking, if you try to trade someone your strawberry Starburst for their cherry Starburst, you will get punched or sworn at 87% of the time. Try it if you don't believe me.

People who insist on showing that they're different - Yeah, we get it. You're unique. We can tell by the fact that you're wearing a winter hat in August, or that you have shorts on over your pants, or that your hair has 4 different colors of the rainbow. We just don't care. Can I get on with my life now?

People in general - Seriously, what's up with them?

"Chix" = "chicken"? - How is that an abbreviation? I saw it on a receipt I got once (probably for a burrito) and stopped in the middle of the parking lot because I was so confused. Luckily no cars were coming. Can I start writing the word "chicken" as "chixen"? If I ever have a restaurant, I may take this random abbreviating thing to a whole new level. No one will be able to figure out their bills!!

The "miracle" of birth - Can something that has happened at least 6 billion times really be considered a miracle? Do people even know what a miracle is? Here's what the dictionary has to say on the matter. I like the second definition. Unusual event, eh? So I guess that maybe something that happens every few seconds probably isn't a miracle. Also, most miracles are not preceded by a forgotten condom in the back of a Chevy 9 months earlier. Just saying. Know what would be an actual miracle? Slick writing a post without cursing. Speaking of which, does he still work here?

Cornbread - Ain't nuttin' wrong with that!

Orange popsicles - These are a distant third in the popsicle world. Also, popsicles are only cherry, grape and orange. Everything else is a lie! Have you ever heard anyone ask specifically for an orange popsicle? I haven't. Most packages are 8 of each flavor, but they should obviously be 12 cherry, 10 grape and 2 orange. The orange ones are to punish your kids when they get mouthy. Want dessert? Sure! Have a popsicle! An orange popsicle! Mwahahahaha!! I probably shouldn't have kids.

Topology - That is some confusing math. It hurts my brain.

Substitute teacher pay - Schools wonder why they have such awful substitutes. Like that crazy old lady. Or that lady who smells like cats. Or that. . . flamboyant guy who let all the kids use their phones during class and told them they didn't need to do the assignment. Maybe it's because the schools pay these people $60-$80 a day, which does not really amount to a living wage for the year. If you subbed every single day of the school year, your earnings would be between $10,800 and $14,400 before taxes. If education is really as important as all the political people say it is (even though it's not, as I've previously stated), start paying people like it is. Also, and I know this violates my policy of not researching things, the average teacher in MA gets paid $56,587 a year, which breaks down to approximately $314 per school day. Shouldn't I be getting at least half that to fill in for them? At least then I'd be substantially above the poverty line.

-Jon

Fantasy Football Midseason Update

Fantasy football stories, much like poker stories, are only exciting to the person telling them. However, my stories are awesome by default, so I am hoping that will cancel out the inherent boredom present in any fantasy football discussion.

What that means is that you won't be hearing any stories about how I would have won except that [random running back] didn't get at least 60 rushing yards at home against an in-conference opponent when the gametime temperature was at least 55 degrees with no precipitation for this first time in his career, or how I was down by only a couple points and down to my last receiver in the fourth quarter and he caught a garbage-time touchdown in the last minute to give me the win. Those stories suck, and no one wants to hear that. Instead, you can listen to me being ridiculous.

Hands down, the best thing about fantasy football is that it gives me more random people to yell at on the TV. Normally, I have to reserve my senseless nonsense for the Red Sox, the bitchy people on My First Place or House Hunters who complain about everything and want to buy a $500,000 house with a $275,000 budget, and any commercial which makes no sense (i.e., all of them). Now I can not only root against Eli Manning, I can get actively annoyed when he throws the ball because those are valuable points that could have gone to Brandon Jacobs. Or Brandon Jackson. Whichever one is the guy on the Giants that I ruefully picked up last week. Dammit, Eli, you're ruining everything!

Another fun thing is trash talking. After 5 weeks, I was tied for last place, and even that didn't stop me from running my mouth. I was like a Jets fan. Sure, they've only won 1 Super Bowl (and that was like the 3rd one) and sure, they have a losing record for the career of the franchise, but that's not going to stop their fans from mouthing off like stupid jackasses every year. I should probably go bet on the Jets to win the Super Bowl this year, since writing that last sentence pretty much guarantees that they're going to win it. Stupid Jets.

At this point, Final Fantasy Football is 3-4 and on a 2-game winning streak. And no matter what, there are 7 more weeks of yelling at Drew Brees to stop throwing the football to the other team. With any luck, a playoff bid is within reach, which will add two extra weeks and maybe even end up with my team winning it all, setting off a chain reaction of trash talking that will extend all the way until next season. Stay tuned.

-Jon

Education is. . .

overrated. Highly overrated. More overrated than Titanic, which is incredibly overrated.

I should probably state here that this will be my most uninformed post yet, so you will want to keep that in mind before you fly off the handle.

I have, sadly, spent the vast majority of my life involved in some aspect of the American educational system. Nursery school, pre-school, kindergarten (aka block time!!), 5 years of elementary school, 3 (horrible) years of middle school, 4 years of high school, 4 years undergraduate school, 18 months of graduate school, 5 years of teaching, and now I'm a sub. I won't even count the graduate school since it overlaps with part of the teaching, and that's still 24 years of my life spent in schools. Or 6/7 of it. Or 85.7142% (approximately) if you're a decimal person. The point is, I am not just talking out of my ass here.

Our system of education is ridiculous, and it's probably why we're stuck in a recession. I think we're still in one. I know the unemployment rate is still way too high, which means things aren't great yet. High schools are far too concerned with trying to push kids into 4 year schools regardless of their aptitude or desires. That means more people are in school and not working on important things like paving East St. More importantly, it also means that more people are saddled with crazy student loans, which means they have to spend money on those and can't spend it buying stuff to push the economy back into the black. I know this is blasphemy, but it needs to be said: not everyone needs to go to college to be successful.

Look, I realize that college is awesome. I hated my school and I would still do it again. It's 4 years of practically no responsibility and practically unlimited boozing. I pulled off a 3.33 GPA and skipped at least 40% of my classes. I am by far the least qualified Computer Science major east of the Mississippi. Clearly a good investment of my time and (Mom's) money. Would I have been better off not going to college? It's hard to say, but I'd be far less in debt, which I would love right about now. And I bet I'd be in pretty much the same place as far as career goals go.

I don't really have any ideas on what to do to make the education system better. But I feel very strongly that it needs a major overhaul. Maybe schools could teach some actual skills? I don't know about you, but I am positive that I would be better off having learned some basic automotive skills instead of how to analyze literature. Seriously, what was that all about?

-Jon

Facebook Makes Me Sad

Specifically, it makes me sad about the world and the people who populate said world. I just don't understand how sitting down at a keyboard turns off that part of the brain that asks "is this an intelligent thing to broadcast to the world?" and just lets the nonsense roll. Come on, people, you're better than that. Well, I guess not, but you could be!! Maybe...

My current new thing to hate about Facebook (my top hated thing varies from week to week) is the excessive amount of things that people "Like." Now, if you're doing it to be ironic, such as liking every single thing on Lindsay's wall, then that's cool, but otherwise, knock it off. I don't know where the line should be drawn, but if you "Like" something stupid, then you should just be kicked off Facebook. And possibly the world. Too bad that whole flat world theory didn't pan out. Our garbage problem and our stupidity problem could both be solved at once.

Today in my News Feed, one of my "friends" liked, and I quote: "I THROW MY SKITTLES IN THE AIR SOMETIMES, SAYING AYYYOOO, TASTE THE RAINBOW." Let that sink in a moment, because it has a 15% chance of giving you an aneurysm, and if so, you need to stop reading and get immediate medical attention. Still good? Ok. Seriously? What makes that "Like"-able? If you like throwing Skittles in the air, then you're an asshole. Quit wasting delicious Skittles and give them to me. And if you don't like throwing Skittles in the air, then you're an asshole also, because you're a liar. Why like this bullshit? Because it's a semi-clever, Weird Al-like parody of a shitty song? Because you're a like-whore and will just like anything that pops up? Ooh! I've got it!! It's because you're stupid.

Another stupid thing that I keep seeing is people talking about how awesome it was to be alive on 10/10/10 and how it won't happen again for 1000 years. Really? So what date will it be on October 10th, 2110? Yeah, that's what I thought. Know who 10/10/10 was really awesome for? Sadie and John, because they got married. And I guess for anyone else who had something significant and, you know, actually awesome happen. For everyone else, you are possibly overrating this day, or you are probably stupid.

Speaking of dates, have you seen people talking about how this month has 5 Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and how this only happens once every 823 years? That's weird, because July 2011 also has 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. I am going to feel old as fuck, since apparently next July is 823 years away. And if you are trying to rationalize their stupidity and say they're only talking specifically about the month of October, then maybe you should check out October 2021. Looks a lot like this month, huh? Apparently 2021 is also 823 years away. Man, time flies when you're stupid.

Now, not everyone can be stupid by liking everything. Maybe they just don't bother with the like button, or maybe they just don't feel like hunting this dumb shit down. Don't worry, there are plenty of other ways to be an ass-hat. For instance, everyone has at least one person on their friend list who writes their status updates in some e.e. cummings stream-of-consciousness version of the Moron dialect of the English language. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you can't make any sense of what you just wrote, then you can guarantee that no one else can either, and they're making fun of you. Those little red squiggly lines underneath every third word you wrote? They mean that word is not actually a word. Try again, stupid. And this time, try a few capital letters and some of those other little symbols on the keyboard. They're called "punctuation marks," and they aren't just there to add extra keys.

Have you ever noticed that there is an inverse relationship between the quality of someone's grammar and the number of posts they make? The lower the quality, the more frequent the posts. Think of it like this: if you make more than 3 posts in 20 minutes, you're an asshole. And if you have spelling errors in all 3, it's probably time for me to hide you from the News Feed. Maybe when you can tell the difference between "your" and "you're" I'll consider reinstating you. Until then, it's probably best if your genes are removed from the pool and you're prevented from procreating. We're all stocked up on stupid here already, we don't need any more.

This is getting a bit long, so I should probably wrap things up. My final complaint today is how much complaining I find in the news feed. Yes, I see the irony there. Based on what I read, the lives of at least 80% of my Facebook friends suck. That's pretty depressing. And also weird, because most of the people I know are living decent lives and need to shut their stupid faces. Hate your job? Quit. I did it, so it's not that hard. Hate your family? Stop talking to them. Hate your boyfriend/girlfriend? Break up with that jackass. Just quit bitching. Facebook needs to go back to its roots. Stalking random people, posting embarrassing photos, and making snarky comments on other people's updates. That's what the internet is for!

-Jon

PS - I realize how hilarious it would be if there are grammatical mistakes here, so don't feel the need to point it out to me. I'll get around to proofreading this at some point. Also, there is a minor difference between a 20-word status update and a close-to-1000-word work of genius like this.

Law & Order vs. Law & Order

So there's a Law & Order: UK. Apparently the 17 different American versions weren't enough, so they needed one based in London. Obviously this needs to be addressed.

Location

This is going to be tough, because the American versions of Law & Order take place in many locations. Except that none of them is London, and London is an awesome city. Have you ever been there? If it weren't so expensive, I would like to live there.

Round 1: UK

Actors

I have no idea who almost any of the actors in this show are other than that old guy in the TD commercials and Vincent D'Onofrio. If you watch the UK one without looking at the screen, it sounds like Jason Statham is one of the cops. Or bobbies. Do they still call police officers "bobbies" over there? It's been a while since I've been to London. Also, the girl who is testifying in this episode sounds like Natalie from Love Actually. Yeah, I like that movie, big whup, wanna fight about it? Now, while Jason Statham is pretty awesome, pretending to be Jason Statham is not. Those deceptive Brits...

Round 2: USA

Cases

I think all the cases in these shows are loosely based on reality. Or maybe they are now, but they didn't used to be. It doesn't matter. They are always pretty ridiculous.

Round 3: Tie

Accents

This is an easy category. The US characters all sound like Americans, and the UK ones have awesome British accents. Even if they are only using their accents for imitating Jason Statham in a vicious ruse. British accents are just more awesome than American ones.

Round 4: UK

Bonus Round

This is new to the Product Battle. It's sort of like the end of a round at Mario Party. Also, that comic is hilarious if you have ever played that game.

• The lawyers in the UK version wear hilarious wigs during the trial part. Point UK
• Vincent D'Onofrio is pretty awesome. Point US
• Both shows have that well-known Law & Order sound every time the scene changes location. No points awarded, but you should probably know that.

Winner

It's very unexpected, but the winner here is actually. . . no one! Law & Order sucks. I don't care if it's American, British, French, Russian, Japanese, it doesn't matter. Actually, Law & Order: Tokyo might be worth a watch. I am sure it's either already made or in the works. So, for those of you wanting a conclusion here, I have this to say: Ha! Deal with that!!

-Jon

Brett Favre is Making Me Look Like an Asshole

Remember that one time I wrote that awful, awful post defending Brett Favre? (Editor's note - If you don't remember it, here you go. You're welcome.) Well fuck that asshole, he's making me look stupid. So let me be the last person to weigh in on the BrettFavrecockcellphonepicturegate. I said this before but it deserves reiterating, if you add the word "gate" to the end of some word because it's a scandal, I will attack you. It is the number 1 thing on my extensive list of things that annoy me. Don't test me; I will hit you.

Now I'm not here to pass judgment on Brett Favre. I seriously could not care less if he sent pictures of his "Lil' gunslinger" to that cum dumpster, Jenn Sterger. Allegedly sent pictures. I have yet to see any conclusive evidence. Although he probably did it. Clearly that's what the 21st century athlete loves to do. I'm pretty confused because on the one hand, all athletes are egotistical dickheads. Haha . . . that was an ironic choice of words. But on the other hand, if you've ever been to a college with athletes you know that girls, for whatever reason, throw themselves at athletes because . . . well I don't know. This is why I'm terrified of having a daughter: girls don't make rational choices. And before all (both?) of our female readers get offended, just know that I mean that in the most derogatory way possible. Girls don't make any sense, ever. That's why I wish you could just do what you would do with a girl, but you know, do it with one of your buddies. Like instead of living with a girl, you would just live with a guy friend. But that's just a pipe dream. So, getting back to my original point, it seems pretty unlikely that Brett Favre would have to chase this slut down to lay some pipe if that's what he wanted. But that's not why we're here.

I'm mad because I don't like the way Favre is handling this situation. He's all like, "Oh, I'm sorry for being a distraction." Well, listen up you pansy ass bitch: dry those tears and handle this situation like a man. The way Big Slick sees it, there's only 2 ways to handle this situation.

1. Brett didn't send those pictures: Hold a press conference and categorically deny it. By not saying that he didn't do it, it really makes it look like he probably did. Bad move. Plus, when you have a smokeshow wife who's a cancer survivor, it's probably not a good idea to not deny this. Although he probably did it so this option is irrelevant.

2. Brett sent those pictures: Hold a press conference and give a speech something like this. "Well fuck yeah I did it. Brett needs some of that sweet sweet cum dumpster poon tang. What? Are you surprised? I'm Brett fucking Favre. I'm a fucking gunslinger just having fun out there. You've seen my Wranglers commercials. Well I've got five fucking words for you: Jenn Sterger. Real. Comfortable. Slut." Is anyone going to hate Favre more than they already hate him? I'm pretty sure everyone hates that will he retire, won't he retire asshole. Clearly he loves attention, but would he try to get the attention of an attention-loving-whore who would try to out attention-whore him? It's a real conundrum. But like Lost, I'm only here to raise questions. You want answers? WELL FUCK YOU AND YOUR NEEDS. THE ENTIRE SIXTH SEASON RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!.

So, to wrap up this gem of a post I'll leave you with this gem: don't ever expect anything from anyone. Ever. Under any circumstances. That way you can never be disappointed. You may say that's being cynical but it's probably just being practical.

-Slick

Appropriate Spectating

I would think that this would be obvious to everyone, but after a few seasons of officiating (and the resulting large amount of matches that I've attended), I have learned that many people are not aware of the proper times to trash talk when spectating. Hopefully this will clear things up for everyone so that I don't have to watch such embarrassing displays of fan ineptitude.

First of all, let's get one thing straight: the chant "We can't hear you!! <clap, clap, clap clap clap>" doesn't make any kind of sense at all, especially when the other fans aren't saying anything. I could understand it if maybe one group of fans starting cheering, and then the other group chants over them, but not when one group of fans is not saying anything. Obviously if they aren't making noise, you will be unable to hear them. It's like going to a Tampa Bay Rays game and chanting "We can't see you!!" Of course you can't see them: they aren't there because Rays "fans" don't show up until the playoffs. So please, stop with the stupid senseless chants. Try some creativity, or just stick with ol' reliable, "Let's go [someone]!" At least the people you're cheering for won't think you've been struck by some kind of organic brain dysfunction.

As stupid as that last chant was, this other offense is even worse. Before you decide on what to start yelling, take a look at the scoreboard. Hypothetically speaking of course, if your team is down, say, 2 sets already and is losing in the 3rd set, it's probably not time to start trash talking. It makes you look stupid (since you clearly have no idea what's going on), and it sets up the other fans to mock your stupidity. In this case, you can still cheer positively for your team, or you have to resort to the low blow of mocking the other team's players. Of course, the latter one there makes you look like a jackass in addition to your aforementioned stupidity. So tread carefully.

I hope that you have been lucky enough to avoid these fans. However, if you know anyone like this, or encounter them in the future, you can now direct them to this post in hopes of educating them. Together we can make the (sports) world a better place.

-Jon