Ugly Sweater Parties are . . .

easily one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of. I just don't get it. I imagine the first girls to throw an ugly sweater party had the following conversation (and I guarantee they had to be girls because no guys could possibly put this much thought into a party).

Girl 1: Hey I was thinking about having a party, but I don't want it to be just any party. I WANT IT TO SPARKLE!!!!
Girl 2: (squeaks and other high pitch noises) That's, like, such an inspired idea.
Girl 1: Yeah, I know. But I don't know what to do. I want it to be a themed party because those are just so . . . much . . . fun. They're so terrific.
Girl 2: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! Like I've got it. What if, like, we get everyone we know to wear, like, a sweater? Can you imagine how, like, incredibly uncomfortable that would be? Best flippin' idea ever.
Girl 1: THAT'S AMAZING! But I've got an even better idea, what if instead of just a sweater, we make it an ugly sweater? Seriously, how much fun would that be?
Girl 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I LOVE IT!

And there you have the origin of the ugly sweater party. You may be saying, "Wait, I thought you said that no guy would put this much thought into a party? Those two had the combined brain power of a blender." And you are correct, but here's how the conversation would go if two guys were to plan an ugly sweater party.

Guy 1: Hey dude, I was thinking about having an ugly sweater party. What do you think?
Guy 2: That's super interesting because I was just thinking about how much of a homo you are.
Guy 1: Yeah, you're right. Fuck it, I'll just get a bunch of 30's and call some sluts.

Boom. Now that's a party. The thing I don't understand about ugly sweater party is why someone would want their friends to dress up in clothes made from Big Foot's pubic hair. There is no way those things can possibly be comfortable. Why not just invite your friends over and get hammered in comfortable clothes like a normal adult? "Because then we wouldn't be able to laugh at how ugly everyone's sweater is." If at any point in my life that's what I consider entertainment I'm just going to fucking kill myself.

-Slick