Please. . . Just Shut Up

As an American male, it's in my blood to like sports. Not literally, as that would probably result in a nasty infection, but in the idiomatic way. Unfortunately, enjoying sports comes with an extremely disturbing and evil catch: announcers. What is the deal with these guys? Somehow you can take a completely normal, high-functioning human being and put him behind a microphone, and the result is like trying to get a pug to pilot an airplane. Disaster!

Now, I have nothing against these guys as people. Probably. But I don't want to have to listen to them talk about sports anymore. Time for some new blood. Hell, let Matt do it. He's knowledgeable about sports. There's no way he'll be worse than some of these clowns.

First on the list is Joe Buck, because this list is temporarily alphabetical, and I have the most vitriol reserved for him. And look, you learned a new word today! I am absolutely fed up with this guy's "and all he's done today is..." shtick. For instance: "Ryan Howard comes to the plate, and all he's done today is go 2 for 3 with 2 doubles and 3 RBIs." Haha, I get it. You're being ironic because 2 for 3 with 2 doubles and 3 RBIs is actually very impressive, and you're making it seem like it's not a big deal. That might have been clever the first time. Or the second. But by the tenth it was getting old. And now every time I hear it, it's the aural equivalent of stabbing myself in the balls with a screwdriver. Plus I also have to listen to it during football season. Enough.

Now for a 2-for-1 (or buy one, get one) of crap: Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. These guys make Sunday Night Baseball practically unwatchable. And unfortunately, ESPN likes putting the Red Sox -Yankees matchups on Sunday Night every time they play. So not only do I have to wait longer for the game to start, I have to listen to these 2 yammer on about God-knows-what for the whole 4+ hours. Luckily, they are out for next season. It only took 11 years. Nice job, ESPN.

Speaking of dynamic duos, no list of annoying sportscasters would be complete without mentioning Jon Gruden and Ron "Jaws" Jaworski. I don't know what poor Mike Tirico did, but unless he's a mass murderer who eats his victims, he does not deserve this. Gruden is absolutely in love with pretty much every single player on the field, and Jaws, as I mentioned on Twitter can't broadcast a game without spending the majority of it verbally slobbing someone's knob (usually the quarterback). Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to block them out the way I block Phil Simms out, who will not make it on this list because Slick already covered his jackassery.

Know who else ruins primetime football? Cris Collinsworth. He says some of the most batshit insane stuff during a game that it makes me wonder if he's watching something completely different. It's baffling.

And, since we try to always have a silver lining here, I will say that I love watching games covered by Orsillo and Remy or Mike and Tommy specifically because Remy and Tommy are so blatantly biased toward the teams I like, namely the Sox and the C's. And yes, I realize that those two are at least as crazy as Collinsworth but guess what? They get a free pass here at Mmmm, opinions. Hey, it's not like you're reading something written by a reasonable person. I'm pretty sure the tagline at the top should have clued you in.

I think I'm probably forgetting some people, and there are some guys whose names I don't actually know, so there's room to revisit this topic in the future. I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat with anticipation.

-Jon

PS - Anyone else think Slick will be coming out of retirement before Christmas?