Happy New Year!

[Author's note: I totally had the random thought post first but then Pat the Intern beat me to it because I decided to write mine over the course of 3 days.

That's right, let me be the very last person to wish you a happy new year. And it's my first post of the new year, how exciting. Hopefully it will be as enjoyable as my very first post, a little tale about my encounter with a delicious brew you may have heard of, a Sam Adams Cranberry Lambic. Oh boy is that stuff great. Great beer or THE GREATEST BEER????? Go back and take a look and see how not far I've come since then. Did you look? Holy shit that post was terrible. Now, every post I write is terrible, but that was just awful. Awful post or THE AWFULEST POST? Anyway, for my first offering of this shitty new year (It's not my fault I don't have a job, CLEARLY THE YEAR 2011 IS CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!) I grace you with some thoughts I've had since the calendar turned over.

-I used way too many capital letters in that last paragraph.

-Waiting for water to boil is much easier than waiting for my english muffin to toast. Why don't we have a toaster that can cook my english muffing to a perfect light-medium in 6 seconds? Why must I wait an agonizing 2 and a half minutes? "Is it done yet? No? WHAT THE FUCK IT'S BEEN 30 SECONDS!" Now, if I weren't a moron I would put it in the toaster and then go do something, but I have to hover over it to make sure I'm right on the spot when it finally beeps. And for what? So I can go devour it in three bites and wish I had cooked a second one.

-Why are english muffins so goddamn small? I could easily eat the entire package in two meals. Maybe that says more about me than the english muffins, but why can't I just have more english muffin? It's bullshit. Next time I see them on sale I'm going to buy 12 packages and then bitch when they're gone in an hour.

-I don't understand why America loves the Kardashians. Kim's only famous because she released a sex tape before it was cool to release a sex tape. And to be honest it was even that entertaini . . . I mean I've never watched it but I heard from a friend that it's not that good. The big tall bitch is married to that other big tall bitch, Lamar Odom. The other one is sort of hot, I think? I don't know, anyone looks good with a shit load of makeup and airbrushing. So yeah, Kim's got a badonkadonkdonk but at some point of looking at pictures of her for 2 hours you realize that her body is really weird shaped. I mean, ummm, someone might come to that conclusion. Definitely not me.

-I hate snow. Snow fucking sucks. All it does is get in the way. Whoever decided that living in a place where the snow falls by the foot should be shot. "Oh hey, the winter's are like 7 degrees and there's 3 feet of snow on the ground. I'M FUCKING HOME BABY!"

-I'm at least 5 years older than anyone in high school. That's a disturbing/arousing thought.

-I was totally just kidding about that last one. OR WAS I?

-Why is it that baseball writers are in charge of voting for the hall of fame? Yeah, let's give that power to somebody who's never actually played baseball at the professional level. I suppose giving it solely to the people who are currently in the hall of fame would make too much sense.

-I am a fucking moron when it comes to eating, even excluding my english muffin difficulties. I will race through my first serving in order to load up a second one, even though it's the exact same fucking thing. "But wait, what if the second serving is better? How will I ever know unless I devour this first, clearly inferior, serving as fast as possible?" I have to actively remind myself while I'm eating to slow down otherwise I finish a meal faster than those NASCAR hillbillies can change a tire.

-I would drink 12 cans of A&W Root Beer a day if it wouldn't give me diabetes and big fat bitch tits. But only A&W because it's made with real aged vanilla. This is the second entry in my recurring series, MMMMRootbeeer.

-Vanilla is the second most expensive spice in the world. I think that's fascinating.

-Why are people angry at Charlie Sheen for having a foursome with porn stars in a Vegas hotel room instead of showing up on the set of Two and a Half Men? Is it that surprising that when you've given a guy with a history of drug, alcohol and sex addictions more than $1 million an episode to essentially play himself, he's going to make some "irresponsible" decisions? They don't even give Charlie Sheen a script anymore, they just tell him to walk on set, look really squinty and talk about banging hookers. Oh, and I put irresponsible in quotes because I imagine some fucktard out there has written some crap about Charlie Sheen not being a better role model. We're only guaranteed one life; if Charlie Sheen wants to spend his plowing through every chick with a pulse, I say the more power to him and who gives a shit about what anyone else thinks.

Do what makes you happy. Who knows how long we have here, you might as well enjoy it.

Including me. Starting now.

-Slick