This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume I

Ah, yes. A new year, a new post. And like most great ideas, I stole this one from someone else. Every week I'm going to check out the Billboard Top 100 and pick a song with shitty lyrics to make fun of. It shouldn't be too hard. Actual lyrics will be in bold. Opinions/commentary in normal font. This week in lyrical genius we have young cokehead Bruno Mars' offering "Grenade." Now initially, I thought this song was about fat chicks. Even after hearing it 10 times I thought it was about fat chicks and that's because I didn't actually listen to the lyrics. However, it clearly isn't about BBW, but I think it would have been a much better song had he gone in that direction. Nevertheless, let's see what Mr. Mars had to say:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh

Slut.

Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.

Yup. Definitely a slut.

Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss,

I don't understand. This girl appears to have 0 redeeming qualities and apparently is also a bad kisser, but he's going to go on and list a bunch of absurd crap he would be willing to do for her. I don't know how to make the whipped sound via typing. Make the sound in your head. It should sound like, "wha-chiii" if that makes any sense at all. It probably doesn't. Either way, this guy sounds like a real bitch.

Had your eyes were open, why were they open?

Wait, that's not the way you're supposed to do it? I thought you were supposed to open your eyes as wide as possible so the other person can look into your soul. God dammit.

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
Yeah you tossed it in the trash you did

Gotta be honest, this girl is starting to grow on me. Seems like a real people pleaser.

To give me all your love is all I ever asked

That's not a completely unreasonable request when you look at the list of things he had considered asking for:
1. All of her love
2. A yacht
3. Cuba
4. Mount Fuji
5. Just some of her love

Personally, I would have gone with number 5. Either that or number 3.

Cause, what you don't understand is

Econometrics? That shit is hard.

That I'd catch a grenade for ya

That seems a little unnecessary. I think most girls would be happy with flowers or something that showed you cared.

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I wouldn't do that. I almost cut my fingers off at work one time. It really hurts.

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

I would do this. It says nothing about whether or not the train is moving.

You know I'd do anything for ya

As long as it involves some sort of high risk scenario.

Girl: Hey Bruno, could you go and pick up some milk?
Bruno: No.
Girl: You have battle 12 ninjas to get there.
Bruno: Well why didn't you say so? Of course I'll do it. All that I require is all of your love.
Girl: That seems unreasonable.

Oh, oh
I would go through all of this pain

Why? Because dating a girl isn't painful enough? ZIIIINNNNNGGGG

Take a bullet straight through my brain

The only surefire way of killing a zombie according to "The Walking Dead." Really good show.

Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

Oh boo hoo. This girl won't give up her life for you. "Why won't you die for me? I WOULD TOTALLY DIE FOR YOU TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I CARE!"

Verse 2: No, no, no, no

This might take a minute. He's still trying to make up his mind.

Black, black, black and blue; beat me til I'm numb.

Domestic abuse? I'm sure there's two sides to that story.

Tell the devil I said, "Hey," when you get back to where you're from

Is there anything more attractive than a demon from the underworld. If I had a nickel, right?

Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are, (yeah)

At first I thought this girl was an awful person, but I don't know, he seems a little overdramatic. I'm sure she's quite pleasant when you get to know her.

You'll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car

WILDCARD BITCHES!

At this point the chorus repeats about her leaving his love in a landfill. Then there's a third verse but it's more of him whining how this girl didn't love him as much as he loved her. It might have something to do with the fact that he's super intense. The worst part about this song is now girls everywhere are going to expect men to jump in front of trains for them and do all sorts of ridiculous crap. Just you wait. When a girl wants to take you to an active mine field for a first date you'll believe me.

-Slick