Phil Simms is . . .

a huge jackass. But if you've ever watched a football game you already know this. My particular problem with Simmy-boy this week, other than his normal jackassery, is that he loves speaking in absurd hypotheticals. Let me explain.

During the Eagles-Colts game in which we were dazzled by the continued genius of Simms' commentary, he was talking about how Michael Vick appears to be a much better passer when he takes a deep dropback because he's not that tall for a quarterback and it gives him a better view of the field. Ok, I can believe that.

But then Phil drops some of the classic made-up stories he's known for. He said, "I hear people saying that Michael Vick doesn't like having pressure in his face. Well no kidding. You show me a quarterback who likes having pressure in his face." Really? Really, Phil? Show me these people who would say something that stupid. "Durrrrrr, that Mike Vick is a better quarterback when he's not getting tackled while he throws it." Thanks for that valuable insight, you fucktard. And here we come to the central outline of Phil Simms' commentary: it starts with Phil making up some absurd statement that nobody would ever say followed by Big Phil saying how ridiculous this made up statement is. And the reason Phil gets away with making an ass out of himself every week? Because he used to play in the National Football League.

This is the problem with pretty much every single commentator that was a former player: you can't possibly know more about their sport because you didn't play it. There's an article over on deadspin.com titled, "My Uncomfortable Encounter with an Angry Joe Morgan" that says it much better than I could. Essentially it comes down to two main points: with a former athlete commentator, you're going to get insight into certain behind the field things that you just can't know unless you've been there. On the other hand, you're going to get some jackass who thinks he knows more about the sport because he played it and you're just some joe-schmo who doesn't know anything. Well, former MMMMOpinion contributor Matt probably knows more about basketball than anyone and he managed to accomplish that without a successful NBA career.

Oh, and that fucker Ron Jaworski should go fuck himself. What an arrogant asshole. Him and Gruden make Monday Night Football practically unwatchable.

-Slick