Please Stop Drinking These Beers

After the response to my last post, I got to thinking that perhaps I could continue my corporation-angering ways. However, being a reasonable person, I also decided that I would sell out for the right price. If you are a major corporation and don't want me to keep up my posts, then offer me some dollars. Obviously I have to come up with something that will make me money between the time I stop teaching and start Burger Bros. (opening date TBD, hopefully within the next 10 years).

Usually when I discuss beers, I have a story that goes along with my first taste of said beer. But today I am going to do things a little bit differently. These are a bunch of beers that I will never drink again, and if people ever bring them to my house, they will quickly find themselves cleaning broken bottle pieces off of their cars.

Shock Top - This beer is gross. It tastes like a combination of sadness and depression. Also, it is from the people that make Michelob. Remember those old commercials with athletic people doing all sorts of athletic feats, then celebrating by drinking a Michelob Ultra? Should we really be drinking beer from that company?

Blue Moon - This beer is also gross. If you've ever broken a bone, this beer tastes like the pain you have from a broken bone converted into beer form. And stop acting like Blue Moon comes from a microbrew. Blue Moon comes from Coors, just like crappy Coors Light, the 3rd best crappy light beer after Miller Lite and Bud Light. Please note that this category does not include ultra-crappy beers such as Busch Light, Keystone, Beast Light (an RPI classic), Natty Light and so forth. Just awful. Also, this includes things like Full Moon and Honey Moon and any other Moon beers from Coors.

White Ale - I am not sure what the Boston Brewing Company (Samuel Adams)* is currently calling this travesty, but it's gross. This beer tastes like the feeling you have when the Celtics, Bruins, and Red Sox all lose on the same day and the Patriots release or trade one of the players you really like. I think the fact that it got dropped as the Spring seasonal beer in favor of Noble Pils is enough to drop it from your drinking rotation.

Hoegaarden - This one pains me to put on the list because it has an awesome name. Unfortunately, the beer tastes like the aftermath of playing Milon's Secret Castle on the NES, where you're just mad at yourself and can't figure out why you did it because you're so frustrated. I can't remember where I was when I ordered this, but I can remember how sad I was later. That's a pretty powerful memory when it can overpower everything else about the night.

Alright, I'll admit that these 4 beers aren't just randomly chosen, but rather they have a very similar theme that is consistent to all of them. However, I am not going to give that away, and will instead restate my plea that you try something better. There's so many fantastic beers out there, so stop wasting your money on these ones.

-Jon

* - I know you're probably confused at the fact that I'm ripping on a Sam Adams beer, but you have to remember that they make a huge number of beers and some of them suck: Cranberry Lambic, Scotch Ale, Honey Porter, Dunkelweizen and Blackberry Witbier also blow. Jeez, they have a lot of varieties.