Why I've Lost Faith In Humanity

People, and by that I mean stupid people, always wonder why our USA is hated by the rest of the world. But don't worry, Big Papa Slick has the answer: it's because most Americans are fucking retarded. It's election season which means anytime you flip to CNN or Foxnews or any of those delightful networks you get to see a bunch of fucking moron independent voters say some stupid bullshit like, "Hmmmm I don't know which candidate I'm voting for." Really? This is why the founding father's restricted voting rights . . . because most people are fucking stupid. You pick the candidate who's views are closest in line with your own, oh wait, that means you have to fucking think for yourself. But since most people are sheep, or sheeple as Stephen Colbert would say, they just wait until the last minute until they see which candidate is likely to win, then they vote for that candidate because, I don't know, peer pressure because they're fucking stupid. I hate people. But stupid ass voting pattern aside, I hate people because they say stupid shit. Like this.

Today I learned that a kid that I went to high school with lost his mother to cancer which really sucks because he's one of the nicest kids I've ever met. He's one of those guys that no one has a bad thing to say about. I can't imagine what he's going through. But then some fucking fucktard get's on facebook and says this:

"it is so very sad!!!! I am sooo sick of Cancer... I think they have a cure already but are afraid to come out with it because people are always raising money to find a cure so they are afraid of not making any more"

Really? Are you sick of cancer? Because I'm sure this kid fucking loves it. You stupid ignorant fuck. Now is not the time to spout your bullshit fucking uninformed retard theory. The worst thing is that is coming from a parent which means they have no excuse for being this retarded. I can't believe someone could be this fucking stupid. Just fuck everything.

-Slick

P.S. The woman that said this was the wife of the guy who bumped into some chick at festa, causing this chick to spill her wine all over Melissa. Small, ignorant fucking world. I think I need to get out of this fucking town.

The Beer-hemoth 5

I should have titled these things with Roman numerals. That would have made them seem much classier. Like the Rocky movies.

In what may be the final brewfest of the year, we went to the 2010 Wine & Brew Harvest Festival sponsored by Ryan and Casey Liquors in Greenfield. As the name suggests, this one had lots of wine to sample in addition to the standard beer offerings. I tried exactly 0 wines, because that's not how I roll. Maybe you can jump on the Mmmm, [nouns] bandwagon and start up Mmmm, wines. We'll even cut you in on the profits, to the tune of 5%.

The samples at this particular fest were 2-oz, which means I tried a whole lot of them. Settle down for a long read, because we're going to be here for a while. Once again, I chose to use the same system as last time, which is an absurd method using ok, good, and great along with exclamation points to capture my initial reaction to each beer. It's not the greatest system, but it is easy to use on my phone so I'm keeping it. I can't be writing well thought-out synopses of everything when I'm walking around in crowds. Sorry.

And away we go!

I started off with an old favorite, Shipyard Pumpkinhead, because I wanted to get off on the right foot. This beer is "Great," but some people (like silly Melissa) think it's too sweet. But then she goes and likes the banana bread beer, which is like pure sugar. Silly women. I find that pumpkin beers fit into two categories: pumpkiny, and pumpkin pie-y. This one is in the pie-y category, so drink accordingly.

I went across the tent (this fest had 4 small tents on the outside and then little stands in the center) and got Ommegang Abbey Ale. This beer is a Belgian non-white ale, so it wasn't immediately banned from my consumption. I found this beer to be "Good!" I would enjoy a couple in the future.

The next table had a couple interesting beers, and I tried the Pumpkin Ale by Dogfish Head (a brand that I am pretty sure is named after Chloe). This one is in the pumpkiny category, and it was "Good." I think there are a lot of other pumpkin ales that do it better though.

Moving on, I tried a beer that Bill and Melissa both recommended, Hooker Octoberfest. This is a quality Oktoberfest beer, which I thought was "Good!!" Bill also thought it was funny to call the beer "Melissa's beer," which I'm sure he will pay for later.

The next beer was one I had to try based strictly on name alone. It was called Merlin's Ale and came from Broughton Ales. I should have read more carefully and not just tried it because it had a wizard on the bottle, because I thought it was only "Ok." To be fair though, I am not generally a fan of scotch ales, so you might have a different opinion of it. Also, it's about 18 times better than Sam Adams Scotch Ale.

Alright, so that was a low point. Luckily I found Coopers Best Extra Stout at the same table, and that stuff was much better. I would classify it as "Great!" and that's a high rating. Stout seems to be the current title holder for the classification of "Favorite Type of Beer." Go stout!

After that, it was time to leave that tent and try some new places. I tried Watermelon Wheat from Blue Hills Brewery next, and it was a good choice. This was another "Great" beer, but the watermelon flavor was very strong. If you like watermelon but don't love it, you might want to pass on this one.

Next to Blue Hills, I found the Harvest Kölsch, a special brew from BBC that is only available on draft in special locations for a limited time. This is an unfortunate situation, because this was a "Good!!!" beer, and that means I probably won't get to have it again any time soon. Stupid special beers.

We then went over to the Sam Adams table where they had two new styles of beers that people could vote on for their next beer release. One of them was something stupid and Belgian, so I skipped it. The other was American Rye Ale, which was "Good!" I'll probably drink some of them when/if it gets released.

Wachusett Green Monsta Ale was up next on the docket. I guessed from the fact that the bottle was green and hops are green that this was going to be a pale ale. And it was! Maybe I know more about beer than I thought. Not too shabby for a pale ale; I gave this one a "Good!" rating.

As I was drinking the Monsta, I saw a sign that said Fogbuster and became quite excited. You might have read before that this beer from Paper City was "Great!!" last time I had it. Well, it still is. I am going to track this stuff down somewhere and buy a ton to gear up for a long winter. I'll have to get a second beer fridge just to handle it all.

At this point, we called an intermission and got some food. I had a pulled pork sandwich, which was ok but not swimming in BBQ sauce. The pork should be soaked in that stuff! Who's in charge of these things? This should be a law.

And back to the beer. The first beer of the second half was Lefty's Irish Style Stout. "Great" beer, silly name. I don't like the word "style" included in the name of a beer because it makes me thing they're trying to put one over on me. "It's not really Irish, but it's Irish style." Ok, now I'm suspicious. What kinds of shenanigans are you trying to pull here, Lefty's?

I then found that Long Trail has a new (to me) beer called Harvest. I didn't like it very much. I rated it as "Ok..." which I think means that it was barely ok, but I don't know what is below Ok on the meter. Basically, pass on this one and drink something else that they make.

Alright, let's get past that disappointing beer and try something else. Perhaps this Octoberfest from Harpoon will do the trick. Or perhaps not. This beer was also only "Ok," but without the ellipsis afterwards. That means that it was better than the Harvest beer before it, but still not one I would drink frequently.

I decided to get a little wacky and try Banana Bread Beer from Wells. This beer is way too sweet. I love pretty much anything with sugar or chocolate or candy, and even for me this was too sweet. I didn't even give it a normal rating; all it says here is "Way too sweet." So there you go.

Alright, we're on a bit of an off streak right now, so I guess it's time for a new tent. The next beer up was Red Racer Craft Lager, which comes in a can that Kathryn thought was cool. The beer itself was "Good," but that's all.

Needing to turn things around, I went with Opa Opa's Oktoberfest for my next choice. Now, even though they have apparently no skill in correctly cooking a steak or in customer service, they have the beer thing working. This beer was "Good!!!" which means we are back on track.

Although that last beer seemed to turn things around, I was wary of trying something else that wasn't good. That meant that I needed to go with a known quantity, such as Magic Hat. I chose their Hi.P.A. because it has to be good, right? Even better: this beer was "Good!!!" Super hoppy too. You should probably be expecting that though, from the name.

Moving on, I saw that Peak Organic was here, so I was hoping that they'd have that coffee beer I wanted to try up in Burlington. They did not, so instead I tried their IPA. It was a decent substitute, and it was "Good!!" And it was organic, so that's also good. I guess.

Next up was Coopers Pale Ale. This beer was "Not Great." Let's move on.

Goose Island Harvest Ale was the next beer I had. I think it might just be their Honkers Ale in a new bottle, because it tasted a lot like it. That's not a bad thing though, because I enjoy that beer and I enjoyed this one, which was "Good!!!"

The last two beers I had were both from Kona, so they can both go here. The first was the Longboard Island Lager. It was "Good!!," but it wasn't nearly as good as the Fire Rock Pale Ale. That second one was "Great," and it was a nice way to end the day.

Overall, this one seemed like a better festival than the last one, but I had better beers last time. Either way, I'll probably go to both of them next year. These things are great!

-Jon

Go Fuck Yourself Joe Namath

"Forgetting Sarah Marshall" has been on tv a lot lately and I think that it's an underrated movie. Yeah, it' s not a laugh-a-minute thrill ride like "Superbad" but there a lot funny scenes. One of my favorites is towards the end the movie when Jason Segel is playing the piano. It reminds me of myself because just like him, I also suck and don't do anything of value. Well unless you count infrequently writing horrible blog posts for a few family and friends, but I'm not sure that contributes to our GDP in any substantial way. Oh that reminds me: good news everyone! The recession officially ended a year ago, which brings me back to my original point: I'm introducing a new segment in honor of this historic day. It's called "Go Fuck Yourself," a spinoff of Fuck That Bitch. The difference is that GFY is for celebrities who piss me off. FTB is for people in my everyday life that piss me off. It's the subtle differences that make me the blogger you know and love.

Everyone remembers Joe Namath for that one time he guaranteed his team was going to win, then his team went and won. Now it might be because I'm cynical about everything but I don't think this is that big of a deal, or really worth remembering at all. The thing about athletes is that they're all egocentric douches. It is completely unsurprising that an athlete thought he was going to win a game. I'm a douche and I'm not even good at anything but if I was a professional athlete I'd expect to win every single game. So big fucking deal, Joe Namath thought he was going to win. Do you know what Namath did after that game? Nothing. He won one more playoff game in his entire career. Namath was 62-63 for his career. He threw 47 more interceptions than touchdowns in his career. His career QB rating was 65.5 i.e. terrible. Basically what I'm getting it is that Joe Namath was a shitty NFL quarterback but everyone considers him a legend. And this is where he incurs my wrath.

Now that the Jets are relevant again after a long period of being awful (unless you ask Jets fans) Joe Namath saw his shadow or some shit and won't stop running his mouth. And boy, does Joe Namath hate Braylon Edwards. I don't have a problem with this because I couldn't give two shits about Braylon Edwards. However, Mr. Edwards recently got into a little bit of trouble for being a little bit drunk when police pulled him over. And by a little bit I mean he blew a .16. I don't really know how many drinks that translates to but I know that it's way over the legal limit. Clearly it was a stupid thing to do, so I'm not going to judge him. I'd rather take the high road . . . and judge Joe Namath. "It's inexcusable at this stage, absolutely inexcusable," Namath said of Edwards' behavior. "It should not have happened." This coming from a man who got blasted before going on live tv and tried to make out with Suzy Kolber. This coming from a man who, if you type his name into Google, the second most popular search is "Joe Namath Drunk." This coming from a man who weeks after attempting to make out with Suzy checked into an outpatient alcoholism treatment program.

So Joe Namath, go fuck yourself.

-Slick

Boardwalk Empire is . . .

a new show on HBO that appears like it's going to be the tits. I used that expression one time and somebody honestly looked at me and asked, "Wouldn't it just be the tit?" Really? I'm surprised I had to be the one to break the news to this person that tits come in two's. However, I can't remember who I was talking to which leads to believe that I was . . . errr . . . not feeling well. But once again, I digress. Everything I've read and heard about this show says it's going to be super awesome. Not just awesome, super awesome.

In case you haven't heard anything about this show yet, allow me to paint you a nice little word picture. Boardwalk Empire is set in 1920 Atlantic City on the cusp of prohibition. Can you imagine what that must be like? How is someone supposed to meet a girl if you're not allowed to have alcohol? That completely ruins the Jon Dias School for People Who Want to Learn How to Talk to Girls and Want To Do Other Stuff Good Too. I supposed that I have to lead the school now that the godfather has taken another position at How to Trick Girls into Committed Relationships Academy. How are these fake, absurdly named schools working for you? I'm guessing it's hit and miss. Whatever, I know I'm fucking hilarious.

Alright, so the first episode of Boardwalk starts in the first days of prohibition and all the corrupt politicians are scheming on how to supply AC with liquid courage. The first episode was a little slow because they had to establish all the characters and environment and all of that crap but I'm still pretty excited about this show. Mostly because when I watch old-timey shows like this I get to say ridiculous things like, "If I lived in the 1920's I could be a total fucking badass," which is probably complete nonsense. I don't know if I have the killer instinct necessary to whack off every guy that double crosses me. Wait, I'm not positive I used that expression right . . . but I think it's close enough. But then I think, "If Steve Buscemi could be the biggest badass in Atlantic City, well then I could at least be like the 4th biggest badass." More than likely I'd be the first guy shot because I said something inappropriate about someone's mother.

I realize that this post is completely useless for deciding whether or not you should watch Boardwalk Empire, but if you wanted a legitimate opinion you wouldn't be reading this blog. Nevertheless, this show looks like it's going to be awesome. But not just awesome, super awesome.

-Slick

Fucking Hypocrites

Here at MMMMOpinions, we are a lot of things: unemployed, immature, douchey . . . the list goes on, but one thing we are certainly NOT is hypocritical. We may make some outrageous claims (although in my case they are always correct) but we rarely if ever go back on our MMMMOpinions. I'm not saying we don't make mistakes, we make a couple every now and then, but I can't stand hypocrites. So this rant is specifically aimed at some old lady at my gym. I was going to make it my second "Fuck That Bitch" but she was talking to 2 dudes so it wouldn't have been perfectly accurate. So come along on a magic carpet ride as we navigate our way through my first ever, "Fuck That Hypocrite."

By the way, I was going to write an actual opinion about Boardwalk Empire but that will have to wait until tomorrow. Two days in a row? Everybody's a winner!!!!

Alright so I was at the gym getting huge and because my ipod is broken, I tend to be pretty creepy and listen to other people's conversations. How else am I going to find people to complain about on my blog? So I'm doing my best to listen but not appear like I'm listening and these people seem pretty fired up about something. I'm intrigued. They're talking about some sporting event and what great seats they had . . . blah, blah blah. "Oh we were in the 50th row. It was so cool." 50th row? That's good? Could've fooled me. Let's continue. Then they start complaining about the people that were tailgating and how drunk they were. At this point I was thrown because I thought they were talking about the Red Sox. Hmmmm, tailgating . . . it must be the Patriots. So back to the action they're saying they can't believe people were drinking at 10am and other old people talk. Then they drop the bombshell that they were at a NASCAR race. HOLY FUCKING PUG WANGS!!!!!! PEOPLE WERE DRINKING AT A NASCAR RACE?!?!?! ALERT THE NEW YORK TIMES!!!!!!! Are you fucking serious? Isn't that the whole point of going to a race? It has to be get super hammered because otherwise you're just watching cars go in a circle. Whatever, this isn't the rant about NASCAR, it's a rant about old fucking hypocrites. Yeah, now that you're in mid to late 40's with kids that are driving then yeah, you probably shouldn't be getting drunk at 10 in the morning. But don't act like you weren't a stupid slapdick fucking teenager when you were a kid. I'm sure you all were upstanding citizens. Maybe you're not going to get drunk at a NASCAR race or poop on some random person's lawn, but don't act like you're better than me. Unless you never did anything stupid as a kid then you should keep your fucking mouth shut, well no, keep talking because otherwise I wouldn't have anything to complain about. "Oh I would never do that." Yeah? Go fuck yourself.

Fucking hypocrites.

-Slick

Football Betting Systems are. . .

a giant scam. You should probably just give me your money instead if you are using one. At least with my way, I get the money, and maybe I'll use it to buy you something.*

Bill Simmons of ESPN (a Bill Simmons that I am not related to, just so we're clear) wrote a giant column last week about his new plan for picking winners. And of course I read it because 1) if I'm trying to be a writer, I might as well read as much as I can to learn what to do and not to do and 2) what do I have going on that is more important than reading random nonsense? So he's got a system, which he tweaks constantly. His system is basically the betting equivalent of this site: you really never know what is going to remain consistent from week to week. Don't try to pigeonhole me!!

Well guess what. After his long offseason of coming up with all sorts of elaborate rules and "wrinkles" for his system, you'd figure he'd be coming out swinging for the fences in Week 1, right? Maybe an 11-5 record, or something like that? Nope. 7-7-2. Basically a .500 if you discount the 2 ties, which were coming no matter who you bet in those games (Saints/Vikings and Rams/Cardinals), so you can't get credit or demerits for them. I figure those are approximately the same results I would have gotten if I had used Odin and Chloe in some sort of elaborate pug-picking system based on which one of them barked first at various television stimuli like random Boston Celtics, the dog from the Gary Rome ads, and polar bears. Actually, I might do that next week since it's too late to try it this week. Pups, you've got a lot of pressure on you. Hope you can handle it.

Know what would have been a good "system" to use last week? Picking the home team. For every single game. Including the spreads, this would have led to a record of 10-4-2, which, had you bet $100 on every game, would have earned you $600. And that's a lot of money. That system would have gotten you a record of 156-111 for the entire 2009-2010 season, which, again, leads to a lot of income. And if you had just picked whichever team had a better record each game (which I like to call my "March Madness" system, and it fails miserably for college basketball) and picked the home team if they were tied, you would have had an even more impressive record of 167-100. Even more money! (Note - those both include all the playoff games as well.)

So what is the point of all of this? I need a bookie. Or to move closer to Vegas. Unless Foxwoods has a sportsbook? I think I am passing up a valuable income stream here.

-Jon

* No I won't.

The Beer-hemoth 4

You would think that this post might belong over at Mmmm, Beers, but those posts are slightly more thought out, which means that I would have to use a more thought-out system of recording my opinions than my exclamation point based system. I only wrote myself a quick note on whether or not I liked the beer, so you are going to have to rely on my memory for a decent review here. And also, I can't move the Beer-hemoths now that they have established a position here. So from now on, the multi-beer posts will be here and the individual beers will be over there. Glad everyone's on the same page.

Today was the Connecticut River Brewfest, which was very much NOT in Connecticut. I was confused by this, but it would seem that most other people weren't, so I guess it's ok. I understand that the CT River runs through a lot of Massachusetts, but it still seems like a weird name. Hey whatever, it was a good time.

Now for a short synopsis of all the beers I tried tonight. Sadly, I will let you know now that we did not see any pregnant ladies, so I will not be able to rip on bad parents. I know, I'm sad too. We'll get through it together.

Goose Island Honker's Ale was the first beer of the afternoon because it was the closest beer to the entrance. I tried this for the first time last week at the Crosby, Stills & Nash concert, and I was pleasantly surprised. It's a good one, and received a rating of "Good!"

Next up was Milk Stout from Left Hand Brewery. Although it shames me, I have to admit that I have never heard of a milk stout before. I am glad that I've rectified that though, because it was delicious! I am a fan of stouts anyway, so I was probably biased toward this one. Anyway, it got a score of "Good!!!"

I followed up my new discovery with the Extra Special Bitter from McNeill's. Kathryn and I tried to go to that brewery once a couple weeks ago, but apparently they open at weird times on Saturday and were closed at that specific juncture. Bastards. This beer was pretty hoppy, and I don't have anything bad to say about it. I would say that it was "Good."

Keeping up the trend of a different kind of beer with each station, I went with Old Brown Dog from Smuttynose. It was a good brown ale, nice and sweet. I don't know if it would be a beer that I would drink exclusively for several rounds, but a couple are fine with me. I deem this beer to be "Good!"

Now it's time for the awards of the day. Somehow, they both go to the same brewery, Paper City. The next beer I tried was their Oktoberfest, which earns the dubious distinction of being my "Most Disappointing Beer of the Day." It only received a rating of "Ok." However, they redeemed themselves by winning "Best in Show" with their Fogbuster, which is an imperial coffee stout. Fantastic beer. I would drink them until I fell down, given the opportunity. I give this a review of "Great!!" That's pretty high.

At this point, we took a halftime break for Kathryn to get a pretzel and me to steal a piece of it. It was ok, but the mustard was great. And back to beer!

I kicked off the second half with High & Mighty's XPA. This beer was an extra pale ale, and boy was it pale. I liked it a lot, and will be looking for it next time I'm at Table & Vine. This beer is on the fence between "Good!!!" and "Great," which means that it comes highly recommended.

Next door to High & Mighty was my new local favorite, Element. Kathryn and I had a nice conversation with the wife of one of the brewer's, so hopefully they will remember us next time we stop by. I drank their Dark Element, which I formerly reviewed under its original title of Dark Matter. It's still equally delightful, and was probably the second best beer there, scoring a "Great!" rating.

On the recommendation of Kathryn's friend's friend Marco, I picked the Black Dog IPA from the Amherst Brewing Company as my next beer. I am not normally a fan of IPAs, but this one was completely different from every other one that I've tried. It was more like a dark beer that they just hopped the hell out of to make it IPA-like. And it was delightful! I liked it a lot, and would say that it was "Good!!"

Heading down the final stretch, I tried Bailey's Blonde from Cisco. It wasn't great, but it wasn't anything to complain about. It just sort of was. My rating was "Good!" but I really don't remember much about it.

And for the final beer of the day, I got Geary's Autumn Ale. Meh. Kind of a low note to go out on, as it was only "Good." At least my day wasn't nearly as disappointing as Kathryn's and Bill's, as they had several crummy beers that they hated, some so much that they even had to dump them. That's bad. I feel like I won the day, had it been a contest.

Now for my random story! I met Dan and Kim from Mix 93.1!! Those two have been waking me up for work for the past 5 years. That is crazy! Yeah, I am easily impressed.

-Jon

Fuck That Bitch

ah yes, fuck that bitch indeed. Hmmmm? What's that you ask? Ah yes, this is an MMMMOpinion first. As you know by now, here at MMMMOpinions we're not ones to sit back on our laurels . . . mostly because we don't really have anything to sit back on. People are all like, "Hey MMMMOpinion guys, why don't you go get a job?" and then I'm all like, "Because I don't want a fucking job. Why should I go work for some shithead? Yeah that's much better than doing whatever I want." So fuck that noise. I'm aware that this gravy train is pulling into the station but I'm going to ride this baby out until the end. But, that's not why we're here.

The reason we're here is to introduce a new feature, you guessed it, named "Fuck That Bitch" in which I describe some bitch that pissed me off. I imagine this is going to quickly jump into the top 5 of most frequent tags. Oh happy day.

Tuesday morning I went over the YMCA to lift things up and then put them back down, just gettin' my swell on. I figured bitch tits wasn't a good look for me even if they were fun to play with. So I'm leaving the gym, walking through the parking lot towards my sweet Saturn and some lady pulls in next to my car. Despite being completely oblivious to pretty much everything on the road while driving, I'm extremely alert while walking. What was that, someone coming to mug me? Nope, just a 5 year old but you need to have constant vigilance. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a fantastic driver but I could mow down a flock of old people and I would have no idea. Old people travel in flocks right? Anyway, I'm walking towards my car and some lady gets out of hers now parked next to me and starts walking towards the gym. As we pass, she gives me a real dirty look. One of those, "I know you're a hoodlum up to no good" looks. Whatever, I keep walking to my car. I'm not going to let some cranky bitch ruin my day, not after I benched 75lbs. I'm a fucking beast. So I get to my car and do the twist around move so I'm now facing back towards the gym and I see the lady pull the keys out of her pocket and double check to make sure she locked her car. Yeah, I'm sure you had a lot of really nice stuff in your piece of shit Buick but I had no intentions of stealing them when you were 12 feet away.

So fuck that bitch.

-Slick

I <3 Hypocrisy

Holy crap, is this a serious post? It sure is. Take a minute to compose yourself so that you don't have a stroke or an aneurysm or something equally bad as a result of the shock.

There is a pastor down in Florida somewhere (Gainesville I think, but don't quote me on it) who plans on burning the Koran on September 11th to show. . . I am not sure, maybe that he is a crazy zealot. Who knows with these people. Burning books is always bad, but burning religious books is especially bad because religious people tend to be a lot crazier than your standard, run-of-the-mill secular person. I think we can all agree that organizing a plan to burn religious books is a bad idea. So far, I am with the people on the news channels.

And then they immediately lose me.

Everyone that spoke today on the TV at the gym was adamantly opposed to the burning (as they should be) because of the danger it may pose to Americans serving overseas. Apparently the burning may result in radical nut jobs targeting soldiers. Except that I seem to remember that after 9/11 how the big thing to say on the news was that just because it was Islamic terrorists who committed the atrocities, Americans shouldn't target all Muslims because the majority of them are not fanatics. But now apparently they are fanatics who will attack American soldiers because some other American, who probably has absolutely no connection to the soldiers in the Middle East, is burning their book. I'm not sure it can work both ways.

Someone here is being hypocritical. It could be the TV people, who claim that Muslims are extremists or not extremists depending on which one is more helpful to them at that point in time. Or it could be some of the Muslims, who want to claim that not all of them are radicals until something like this pops up and then they get all crazy. Hey, it's easy to claim to be something as long as no one is going to challenge you on it. Bobby Knight could tell everyone he's an easygoing guy, which he might be until anything goes against his plan, when he transforms into the crazy guy who throws chairs. However, I am inclined to side with the Muslims on this one, because TV personalities suck.

I realize that being on TV means either being incredibly vocal and obnoxious and never wavering from your position no matter the evidence (I call this the Glenn Beck approach) or being a waffler on any issue and just saying whatever is popular (this is most everyone who is a moderate). I just wish that maybe it didn't have to be that way. Damn hypocrites.

-Jon

Having Kids Should Change Your Life. . .

but apparently not everyone agrees with me.

After attending not one, but two different beer festivals where I saw a pregnant woman participating in the festivities, I have pretty much no faith in human beings. But I still like the opportunity to make fun of them, so here we go.

Once you get pregnant or have a little kid, you don't get to continue acting like you are kid-less! No more going out to the bars, no more beer tastings, no more sky-diving, no more spontaneous trips to Foxwoods, no more vacations to Europe where you fly coach and sit near me so I have to listen to your baby crying and it smells like baby vomit (ok, this one is very specific, but still should apply). . . you have a helpless little sack of organs and poop depending on you for survival, which is unfortunate because you are clearly a moron. You would think that some things would be enough to turn on the responsibility switch in people, but I guess not.

For instance, a Red Sox night game might not be the best place to take a potentially newborn baby. I say potentially because I have absolutely no idea how to estimate the age of babies. I can usually get it right within a couple of years, but that doesn't help before they turn at least 8. So anyway, a baby does not belong at the Sox. First off, they aren't going to appreciate the fantastic offensive display the Sox put on tonight. Next, there are somewhere between 30,000 and 40,000 people there, including a bunch of drunks. Drunk people are the worst to have around babies. They teach them swear words and spill beer on them. Both are bad ways to treat babies. Finally, Fenway Park is a fairly loud place, especially after home runs. I read somewhere once that loud noises are not good for babies because they have far more sensitive eyes and ears at a young age. So basically you are bringing an infant into the least infant-friendly location in Boston. Well done.

Aren't people just the worst?

Ok, I also wrote 3 random things down on my phone on Saturday night, and then I forgot about them because I had a couple beers. But then I just found them earlier, so I'll share them here.

-Have you ever been riding in a car with 2 other guys and everyone in the car is singing along to a Taylor Swift song? I have. I am even more shocked because I didn't even know that I knew the words to a Taylor Swift song. I guess you really do learn something new every day.

-The quality of the song YMCA is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed. I believe it goes according to the following scale:

• 0-3 drinks: "This song is absolutely terrible!"
• 4-6 drinks: "Hey, this is kind of catchy, I guess."
• 7-9 drinks: ::head bobbing, foot tapping, singing the chorus::
• 9+ drinks: (at the top of your lungs) "Young man! There's a place you can go!!"

-The idea of going to Foxwoods at 2:00am is always much better than the actual practice of going to Foxwoods at 2:00am. This will not be a problem if they open a casino in Palmer.

-Jon

My First Fantasy Football Foray

I like alliteration.

Somehow, in my 28 years on this planet, I have never been a part of any Fantasy Football leagues. I have done a fair number of March Madness pools (from which I am generally eliminated from contention within the first 2 days of play) and even been in a Fantasy Basketball league (which I quit trying in after about a month due to the intense amount of attention and time it required), but somehow I have missed out on this fundamental piece of American culture. I think I should be a little ashamed of myself.

That is all about to change.

Nate has organized a family league, which is either going to be incredibly awesome, or lead to nobody talking to each other by the time Thanksgiving rolls around. I am not sure how seriously everybody is going to take it yet, so I don't have any odds on which way things are going to go. My guess is that some people will be all about it, and have a lot of fun (me, Matt, Chris and Nate probably fall into that category). Then there will probably be some people whose interest starts to wane, meaning they will probably start a quarterback on his bye week. I hope that if that's the case, I get to play those people in the later weeks. Hey, I need all the help I can get here.

The draft is coming up this Wednesday, so we'll see how that goes and what my prospects for domination are. I believe there are 8 teams in the league, so I am guaranteeing a top-10 finish.

Also, I wonder if I won that fantasy basketball league. . . . That would just be awesome.

-Jon

The Sam Adams Harvest Mix Pack

Now normally Jon, aka "Slappy Bag", handles the beer posts. In fact, we've finally launched one of these gimmick spinoff websites. Head on over to MMMMbeers if you want to see his take on some adult beverages. However, since I'm not a contributor, you'll have to stay here if you want to see Big Slick spit some hot fire. Although if it follows my typical pattern I'll just make some completely unrelated comments before rambling through an opinion, leaving you no better informed than before. Boom, that's they way the Slick Dog rolls.

Alright, so the Harvest Mix Pack, previously mentioned in the Pumpkin Beer Breakdown, consists of Sam Adam's Harvest Pumpkin Ale, Octoberfest, Black Lager, Boston Lager, Irish Red, and a Slappy Bag favorite, Dunkelweizen. I really don't have anything useful to say about any of these beers so I'm going to throw some snap judgments at you. Octoberfest: awesome. Harvest Pumpkin Ale: also awesome. Boston Lager: a classic but go to mmmmbeers and see what SB had to say. Black Lager and Irish Red: both above average showings. Dunkelweizen: ummm this beer confuses me. Whenever I drink a new beer, I like to read the description at the top so that I'm better educated about what will be coming out of me later that evening (You can really taste all the hops!!!!) and also I like to sniff my beer because, well I'm sort of a freak. I'm guessing it's a delayed reaction to my parent's divorce. This beer smells fruity and checking the description, apparently it's supposed to taste like tropical fruits. Well, that just sounds delightful. Then I drank it and I thought, "I don't know why Jon doesn't like this, I think it's pretty good. It tastes like fruit; it's quite pleasant." True story, although I was talking to myself so no one can verify it happened. Then I kept drinking and the fruit flavor disappeared to be replaced by something not good. Why is my beer changing flavors? It's baffling. I really don't need a wide array of tastes and aromas, I just want my beer to taste good. There's 3 left in our fridge and since Slappy says they taste like feet, I'll probably have to drink those. Kind of like that time I was tricked into drinking a Scotch Ale but this won't be nearly as disgusting. I sort of like it but I'd rather drink the other 5 varieties first. I give this pack a 5.25 out of 6. I would certainly purchase it again.

You have no idea how many times I typed beef instead of beer in that post.

-Slick

P.S. I've yelled at you before but you doucheknuckles need to start leaving more comments. I don't care if it's "Slick, your writing sucks. You're not funny and your mother loves Jon more than you." Write something.