After attending not one, but two different beer festivals where I saw a pregnant woman participating in the festivities, I have pretty much no faith in human beings. But I still like the opportunity to make fun of them, so here we go.
Once you get pregnant or have a little kid, you don't get to continue acting like you are kid-less! No more going out to the bars, no more beer tastings, no more sky-diving, no more spontaneous trips to Foxwoods, no more vacations to Europe where you fly coach and sit near me so I have to listen to your baby crying and it smells like baby vomit (ok, this one is very specific, but still should apply). . . you have a helpless little sack of organs and poop depending on you for survival, which is unfortunate because you are clearly a moron. You would think that some things would be enough to turn on the responsibility switch in people, but I guess not.
For instance, a Red Sox night game might not be the best place to take a potentially newborn baby. I say potentially because I have absolutely no idea how to estimate the age of babies. I can usually get it right within a couple of years, but that doesn't help before they turn at least 8. So anyway, a baby does not belong at the Sox. First off, they aren't going to appreciate the fantastic offensive display the Sox put on tonight. Next, there are somewhere between 30,000 and 40,000 people there, including a bunch of drunks. Drunk people are the worst to have around babies. They teach them swear words and spill beer on them. Both are bad ways to treat babies. Finally, Fenway Park is a fairly loud place, especially after home runs. I read somewhere once that loud noises are not good for babies because they have far more sensitive eyes and ears at a young age. So basically you are bringing an infant into the least infant-friendly location in Boston. Well done.
Aren't people just the worst?
Ok, I also wrote 3 random things down on my phone on Saturday night, and then I forgot about them because I had a couple beers. But then I just found them earlier, so I'll share them here.
-Have you ever been riding in a car with 2 other guys and everyone in the car is singing along to a Taylor Swift song? I have. I am even more shocked because I didn't even know that I knew the words to a Taylor Swift song. I guess you really do learn something new every day.
-The quality of the song YMCA is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed. I believe it goes according to the following scale:
- 0-3 drinks: "This song is absolutely terrible!"
- 4-6 drinks: "Hey, this is kind of catchy, I guess."
- 7-9 drinks: ::head bobbing, foot tapping, singing the chorus::
- 9+ drinks: (at the top of your lungs) "Young man! There's a place you can go!!"
-The idea of going to Foxwoods at 2:00am is always much better than the actual practice of going to Foxwoods at 2:00am. This will not be a problem if they open a casino in Palmer.
-Jon
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