Criticizing Stuff I Know Nothing About

There are certain things in the world I know nothing about, but hate. If you don't understand something, it is perfectly reasonable to not like it and/or criticize it. Here is a list of things I know nothing about, don't understand, and hate.

Glee - Having never been an 11-year old girl, High School Musical doesn't appeal to me. Oh wait, I forgot we are talking about Glee. I don't blame myself since they are essentially the same thing. I'm tired of these types of shows/movies trying to make singing in the high school chorus or whatever they sing in cool. First of all, the sets on this show where they sing are ridiculous, and no school could ever afford them. Secondly, not one of the cast members is even in high school. Lastly, singing in the high school chorus isn't cool.

Vampire Shows - What's worse: the fact that networks are lazy, unoriginal and recycle the same themes over and over, or that we keep watching it? Vampires are heartless, cold, undead, brutal murderers. They have no feelings. They are not handsome. They don't function in normal society. They also make for sucky movies and TV shows. (Except Buffy, that show is actually pretty cool.)

Jersey Shore - If this is what is considered attractive now, I'm going to choose to be gay.

UFC - I only like sports with pre-determined outcomes. That's why I only watch professional wrestling and the NBA.

The Birther Movement - A couple of things. 1) Barack Obama posted his birth certificate online in 2008. The Birthers want the "long" version or whatever it's called AS WELL AS Obama's college transcripts. There is a certain level of privacy one should be able to expect. If anything, I would like to see George W. Bush's high school transcript. Fuck college; I can't believe that guy got past high school. 2) A few years ago when Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California, Republicans were trying to amend the Constitution so that people born outside of the USA could become president. How many of these Republicans do you think are in the Birther movement?

The "Impending" Zombie Apocalypse - Look, I get it. Walking Dead is a pretty good show. However, can we stop with the Zombie Apocalypse doomsday scenarios? There are literally books called How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse and I've seen posters named "Zombie Survival Guide" that give advice on how to survive zombie attacks. There is not going to be a zombie apocalypse. I really wish there would be one though, because I'm sure Glee fans would die first.

-Pat the Intern

Random Thoughts

Now that we have waited the requisite 3 days to mourn Slick's abandonment of his duty, it's time to get back to business. And no, Pat, you can't have Slick's parking spot. I am going to take it, along with mine, by parking diagonally like those ass-hats in pretty much every parking lot that has ever existed.

During this past high school volleyball season, I had a lot of matches in distant locations (i.e. Franklin Country), which led to a lot of driving and subsequently a lot of time to formulate random thoughts about fairly silly topics. Hey, there's not a whole lot of action on 91 once you get past Northampton, so my brain is free to ponder the unimportant things in life. I will try to avoid hot-button issues like orange popsicles this time.

I don't understand why vampires are so intelligent and classy while zombies are basically brain dead hillbillies. They're both undead. And since zombies are clearly the next big thing now that Twilight has pretty much ruined vampires for the next 5 years, I think someone needs to come up with a zombie movie that doesn't have zombies wandering around pointlessly and attempting to eat everything non-zombified. Maybe a movie where the zombies are actually the good guys! A guy can dream, right?

Why can't I run diagonally with the Pegasus Boots? I can walk horizontally, vertically and diagonally, but I can only run horizontally and vertically? That doesn't make any sense. Quit jerking me around, Link.

I won a fleece vest the other day. I don't really have any idea when I'm going to wear it though. I guess if I ever want my core to be warm, but I'm angry at my arms and want them to suffer, I have the proper attire.

Stop signs and yield signs are different. Aren't they? I realize that they're both red and white, but they have different words and different shapes, so I have always assumed they signify different things. And even if they don't, you still shouldn't drive through either one when it might lead to you hitting me while I have the right of way. That's right, guy-in-the-gray-SUV-talking-on-your-cell-phone-and-generally-being-a-jerk, I saw you try to blow that stop sign. Nice try.

In the same vein, crosswalks are different from regular pavement. A good rule of thumb is that crosswalks are generally yellow with white borders or a series of parallel white line segments. If you look down, and don't see this, you are not in a crosswalk. Which means that if you are wearing all dark clothes and it's nighttime, you might want to find a crosswalk and not just arbitrarily start crossing the road without looking behind you. Otherwise, you might get hit by a car, like that person I saw almost get hit the other day. Also, the sidewalk, as its name suggests, is a better place to walk than the road. There are far fewer cars driving on the sidewalk, which will also increase your odds of survival. Just here to help.

I don't own many hardcover books. Probably because they cost more than paperbacks, and I'm a cheap bastard. But they are better for hiding money in, so maybe I'll have to acquire more. And please don't come to my house and go through all my hardcovers. There's no money hidden in them yet.

If you pass me on the highway, and then pull in front of me, and then go slower than I'm going, I should be allowed to shoot you. In the leg. With a harpoon. I assume that if you pass me, you want to go faster than I am going (which is usually 65 with the cruise control set). Thus, it doesn't make sense for you to move in front of me and drive 60. If 65 is not fast enough, then 60 can't be fast enough either, as 60 < 65. So cut the crap.

I don't think that there's any form of communication lower than anonymous commenting on a website. If you want to read the most idiotic, racist, intolerant, and otherwise offensive stuff in the world, just read comments. Not here, of course, as we don't have a large enough reader base to generate that kind of jackassery. But at any major website, it's just awful.

Well, that's it for now. The high school season ended today, but Kate still lives way up near Vermont, so there will still be plenty of opportunities for me to think of ways to try to fix the world. Or at least make fun of it.

-Jon

Slick's Retirement

You read correctly, this will be the last offering from the Big Slick Dog. We've had a lot of good times here, but it's time for me to retire "Slick". There are a lot of moments in life, most of which are insignificant and pointless. Kind of like one of my posts. Boom, self roasted. But every once in a while you realize that it's time to make a change to who you are and what you do. So I bid a fond farewell to our dedicated readers. I hope you enjoyed my writing as much as I hope you did. That's a confusing sentence that probably doesn't make any sense, but really it was at the forefront of everything I wrote.

-Slick

The Story of How Nickelback Came To Be

Editor's note - Please sue Pat, and not me. Thanks Canada.

Two executives at Warner Bros were watching Game 4 of the 1995 World Series and had a couple of drinks. One executive, Johnny Fremont, said, "The people that listen to and buy music are idiots. Our company could make anybody famous." His friend and fellow executive, John C. Calhoun, said, "No way! People are smart and wouldn't buy or listen to music that sucked." So, as the Braves polished off a 5-2 win to take a 3-1 World Series lead, Fremont said, "I'll make you a bet. I bet you I can find the most generic, lame, non-entertaining band in the world and make them successful." Calhoun replied, "You're on!" They shook hands and bet "the usual amount."

Fremont searched America for years, looking for shitty bands. In his autobiography How I Helped Ruin Music: The Story of Nickelback, he describes how he particularly liked the challenge of Papa Roach. Just when Fremont was about to sign Papa Roach, thinking they were the shittiest band he was going to find, he walked in a Canadian bar in Hanna, Alberta, Canada. Fremont explains, "The only reason I was going to the bar was because I was out of drugs. I walk into this place, and I was stunned to hear how generic, awful and not entertaining this band was." The band was a young Nickelback. The more Fremont listened, the more he was horrified. He thought to himself, "If I can make this band successful, I will win a Rambo lunchbox from Johnny."

One day in 1999, Fremont came into the office smiling. Calhoun asked him what the deal was. Fremont explained how he had found the worst band ever and was going to make them successful and win the bet. Calhoun responded, "Oh yeah, let's hear them." After listening to only 4 songs, Calhoun couldn't take it anymore. He vomited all over Fremont and blacked out. When Calhoun awoke, he was in a state of shock. "I don't understand how a band could have such lame lyrics and be so untalented," he said. "We can't give this band a contract; we'll lose our jobs!" However, Fremont had a plan. "I'll take full responsibility for the band," he said. "I already have a plan. First, we make radio stations play Nickelback at least 55 times a day. Then we will pay influential people so that they say Nickelback is good. Americans will do whatever famous people tell them to do. Next, we talk to our friend Clay Henry over at the movie studio and make him put Nickelback on every movie soundtrack. Finally, we make the radio stations play them 100 times a day!! And, completely unrelated to this, I saw this asexual man named Ryan Seacrest on a game show and he was truly awful. I want an idea for a show combining him with shitty music sung by regular people. Don't worry, I'll find a way to make the show popular."

With this foolproof plan, Fremont jumped into action. First, Nickelback was on the radio. Then they had a song on the Spiderman soundtrack. Then Ryan Seacrest had his own radio show and he was playing Nickelback. The general public began consuming Nickelback at an ungodly rate. They didn't like it at first, but it slowly became intolerable, and, combining the influence of a hit movie, Ryan Seacrest and millions of radio plays, all of a sudden people started to actually like it. Nickelback had become the second best foreign selling act in American history. (Behind The Beatles. Thanks America. There is a list out there that has Nickelback right behind The Beatles. Or, as Slick would say, RIGHT BEHIND THE FUCKING BEATLES!!)

John C. Calhoun went into a state of depression as Nickelback became more and more popular. He took his own life August 1, 2007, stating, "Wow, this music sucks. I don't want to live anymore. And I don't know why I bet on Cleveland in the 1995 World Series. But come on America, Nickelback?? What the fuck? Ok, I'm going to die now." Fremont knew he had unleashed a monster. Over the next few years, music executives, instead of looking for talented bands, followed Fremont's lead and started churning out shitty bands like Daughtry, Snow Patrol and Plain White T's. Calhoun's death is what drove Fremont to write his autobiography. This autobiography predicts an ominous future if we keep allowing shitty bands like Nickelback to be played on the radio.

This is only a summary of the story of Fremont's book and the story of Nickelback, but I urge you all to read the book and to write to your radio stations demanding that Nickelback not be played anymore.

-Pat the Intern

The Top 5 Party Games

Editor's note - If you play any of the games listed below, you do so at your own risk. Nobody at Mmmm, opinions (or it's Mmmm sister sites) are in any way responsible if you hurt yourself being stupid. Do not try these things at home; we are trained professionals.

Being an intern here at Mmmm, opinions is a thankless job. Long hours, no pay, and Slick constantly questioning your sexuality are just some of the challenges associated with the job. However, when i can get out of the office (located next to the old theater in Gary, IN), I like to party. And when I party, I like to play some games. After playing dozens and dozens of games, I have compiled a list of the top 5.

I recommend all of them.*

5. The Case Race

The Case Race is a great way to start off the night or a great way to embarrass kids from Westfield State College who think they can outdrink you. The game is simple: you and a partner drink 24 beers before the other team. Some people mistake a case of beer for a 30-pack of beer. Those people are always in for an interesting night.

4. Whiskey Slaps

A Slick favorite. Whiskey Slaps is a game played between two people. You take a shot of whiskey, and your partner slaps you. To make the game interesting, Pat the Intern and his friends only play men vs. women. Three of the women slapped during this game have slept with the guy who slapped them that night. That last sentence is both scary and really true.

3. Phone Swap

Put your phone on the table. Pick up someone else's phone. For the next hour, you hold the power to ruin someone's life. Some popular texts include texting parents that they are gay, texting ex-boyfriends/girlfriends and saying that they are still in love with them, or simply tossing the phone out the window.

2. Gamble Your Dignity

Gamble Your Dignity is a game where a person holds two dice. That person then picks someone else playing and says, "if I roll X, you have to do Y." The game is best played at parties where you don't know the people playing, because then you can make the classic GYD bet: if I roll a 7, you have to put all the silverware in this house down your pants. Which has been successful 3 times. Here is a sample of bets made:

• If I roll a 2, you have to date your ex-girlfriend again (who sucked)
• If I roll a 10, you can't watch March Madness this year
• If I roll an 8, you have to give a girl of my choice at the next party we go to a love letter that I wrote. And you can't read it beforehand.

1. Fire!

This game should only be played once.** It is the simplest of all games. You light an article of clothing you're currently wearing on fire and can't put it out until you chug a beer. However, if it is determined you drank your beer too fast, you can't put the fire out until you get someone else to drink their beer. Usually someone will put the fire out before anybody gets burned, but hey; you could have friends who hate you.

So there you have it. I have personally played or have heard of all these games being played, and they are loads of fun.***

Until next time, this is Pat the Intern.

-Pat the Intern

* I do not recommend that anyone play these games.

** This game should never be played.

*** Fire! is not fun at all, but it is a real game. I promise.

The Goonies is. . .

overrated.

Ooooh, what a blasphemous start to this post.

In case you have spent a good portion of your life living in a cave or under a rock or Wyoming, The Goonies is an 80s cult classic that, for some reason, everyone I know loves. But it's not that great, even though it stars Samwise Gamgee and one of the Coreys. Look, I know the difference between good and bad movies. I've paid to see Girl, Interrupted (slept through it) and Mona Lisa Smile (made out through it and then left early). I've seen Crossroads, which is an abomination with Britney Spears as its star. This isn't my first time to the rodeo.

My main problem with this movie is that 80% of the movie is screaming kids. I recently learned that crying babies actually register higher on the decibel scale than a motorcycle. I am going to equate crying babies and screaming kids, so basically watching this movie is the equivalent of raping your eardrums for 114 minutes. In addition, scientists have determined that while kids in general kind of suck, screaming kids are actually 23,186 times worse than non-screaming ones. It's science.

Also, the pirate whose treasure the kids are trying to find is One-Eyed Willie. Which means the kids are looking for penis treasure. How is that a fond childhood memory?

So why is this movie so popular? Nostalgia. That is a surprisingly powerful memory impacter. (PS - I am shocked that impacter is an actual word.) For instance, I pretty much love every song from the early and mid 90s, regardless of quality. Also, my favorite games are almost all on the Super Nintendo, which means they are 15+ years old. My favorite Terry Pratchett book is Thief of Time. Why? Because it's the first one I read. So people love The Goonies because they remember it from their childhood.

Nostalgia is especially effective in this case, because there are some classic moments in this film. The Truffle Shuffle is hilarious, especially when you can get a chubby kid to do it. And "Sloth love Chunk" will always be one of the top movie lines. And what kid didn't want to find a treasure map and a bunch of gold and jewels when they were a kid? But overall, this movie's actual quality as compared to remembered quality skews heavily toward the latter.

Sorry for ruining your childhood. At least you're more educated now.

Also, apparently this month is Rip On Random Movies Month.

-Jon

True Lies may be. . .

the most ridiculous movie every made, even by ridiculous action-movie standards.

This movie is great, as long as you don't take it too seriously. Once you do, you end up with a long list of ridiculous things that are straight up laughable. I may continually switch up between character names and real-life names strictly to mess with you. Harry is Arnold Schwarzenegger, Albert is Tom Arnold, Helen is Jamie Lee Curtis. Or maybe I won't, and that last sentence was just to throw you off. Maybe you should have watched the movie, slacker. Also, these are completely out of plot order.

• Harry has a tuxedo on underneath scuba attire, but it isn't wrinkled at all. If I even look at my suit, it gets wrinkles.
• Harry punches out the window of the car without injuring himself or even cutting his hand.
• Harry steals a $35 million jet, immediately smashes a police car with it, and no one even tries to stop him.
• Helen somehow becomes an agent of Omega Sector at the end of the movie, despite having no skills other than. . . nope, nothing.
• Harry's daughter is kidnapped and not immediately killed. Movie terrorists are not go-getters.
• Harry's daughter steals the arming key for the bomb, and runs higher up the building instead of going to the ground floor. Most buildings have their exits at street level, not roof level.
• Harry rescues Helen from an out-of-control speeding car via helicopter.
• Token Evil Arab jumps a motorcycle off the roof of a hotel into the pool of the building across the street and only suffers wet clothes as a result.
• Harry was going to try to follow him. With a horse.
• Harry rides a horse fast enough to keep up with a motorcycle.
• Harry rides a horse through a hotel and up the elevator.
• You know what, the whole horse scene.
• Tom Arnold is trusted with government secrets. He married Roseanne!!
• Harry, now piloting the stolen Harrier jet, shakes the Token Evil Arab off the wing so that he catches on a missile and then fires the missile (and him) into more Evil Arabs flying a helicopter.
• Token Evil Arab has four nuclear missiles, and wastes one blowing up an uninhabited island just to prove he has them.
• Harry gets smashed in the head twice with a hotel room phone, which knocks him to the floor. However, he is perfectly fine the next second. He should have to pass a concussion test before he's allowed back to fight terrorists.
• Helen drops a gun (an Uzi, I believe) down the stairs which causes it to start firing, yet none of the bullets go in her direction.
• Alright, every action sequence in the movie is ridiculous.

There's probably (as in definitely) other things as well, but these are some of the most memorable. That Arnold Schwarzenegger; he sure likes killing people.

-Jon

The NCAA is. . .

pretty much Communism (the bad kind).

Cam Newton did the right thing. . . if he took the money of course. To all the indentured servants, otherwise known as college basketball and college footfall athletes, take as much money as you can because the NCAA makes billions of dollars off you. If you think that athletes shouldn't be paid, well then you're a COMMUNIST too. Yup, a red-flag waving, China supporting, Barack Obama loving, Willy Wonka Communist. And here is why.

NCAA Revises History

The most entertaining reason why the NCAA is Communist is that they revise history just like every other Communist country. When an athlete gets caught taking money, the NCAA literally goes into the record books and makes it as if the athlete never existed. This is similar to what the Soviet Union did under Joe Stalin. They would literally erase people from history. Oh, and remember Tiananmen Square? Because the Chinese don't. Why not? Because the government erased it from their history. Does anyone at USC care that Reggie Bush is erased from the record books? No. It's not like all of the sudden USC fans and students are going to forget how awesome it was to have some dude run for like 200 yards a game and help win a national title. Here's an NCAA fun fact: Robert Parish officially never played college basketball! Robert Parish went to Centenary for 4 years, but the school was on probation and was not allowed to keep stats.

NCAA Does Not Pay a Decent Wage

As in Communism, the workers don't get paid well. In fact, in this version of Communism, they don't get paid at all! Do not tell me that the athletes are getting paid in education. D1 FBS players and D1 college basketball players go to school to play sports. Do you think Matt Leinart went to USC because of their awesome business school? Did Joe Forte go to North Carolina because of the cool professors in the art department? No, and yeah, that's right, Joe Forte, former UNC Tarheel and Celtics 1st round draft pick. Anyway, the NCAA signs billion dollar [TV] contracts, and gives the workforce 0 dollars from it. That can't even be argued. The NCAA directly gives zero dollars to the people whom they make their money off of.

NCAA is Not Fair

Jeremy Bloom was a skier and a football player. Bloom was not allowed to play football anymore because he took money from a ski sponsor. Not only did that have nothing to do with football, Bloom was essentially punished for making money without the NCAA getting a cut. Scholarships are also only 1-year deals. The NCAA allows a school to release an athlete from their scholarship for pretty much any reason. So if you play well, you don't make any money. However, if you play poorly, you can theoretically lose your room, board and education? That doesn't seem fair to me.

The NCAA could work if it only governed sports that don't make money, such as Cross Country, Field Hockey, Bowling, Swimming, etc. However, can we stop pretending that football and basketball student-atheletes are students first and athletes second? In reality, we should be calling them athlete-students. As a matter of fact, that's what I'm calling them from now on, and every time I use the word I'm going to get weird looks unless it's someone who reads this. Because people are afraid of change.

Bonus Fact: The word "amateur," as applied to sport, was created by the upper class in Great Britain as a way to create class distinction. The upper class felt as though the lower class wasn't worthy enough to compete with them, so they popularized the term in regards to lower class "athletes."

-Pat the Intern

Phil Simms is . . .

a huge jackass. But if you've ever watched a football game you already know this. My particular problem with Simmy-boy this week, other than his normal jackassery, is that he loves speaking in absurd hypotheticals. Let me explain.

During the Eagles-Colts game in which we were dazzled by the continued genius of Simms' commentary, he was talking about how Michael Vick appears to be a much better passer when he takes a deep dropback because he's not that tall for a quarterback and it gives him a better view of the field. Ok, I can believe that.

But then Phil drops some of the classic made-up stories he's known for. He said, "I hear people saying that Michael Vick doesn't like having pressure in his face. Well no kidding. You show me a quarterback who likes having pressure in his face." Really? Really, Phil? Show me these people who would say something that stupid. "Durrrrrr, that Mike Vick is a better quarterback when he's not getting tackled while he throws it." Thanks for that valuable insight, you fucktard. And here we come to the central outline of Phil Simms' commentary: it starts with Phil making up some absurd statement that nobody would ever say followed by Big Phil saying how ridiculous this made up statement is. And the reason Phil gets away with making an ass out of himself every week? Because he used to play in the National Football League.

This is the problem with pretty much every single commentator that was a former player: you can't possibly know more about their sport because you didn't play it. There's an article over on deadspin.com titled, "My Uncomfortable Encounter with an Angry Joe Morgan" that says it much better than I could. Essentially it comes down to two main points: with a former athlete commentator, you're going to get insight into certain behind the field things that you just can't know unless you've been there. On the other hand, you're going to get some jackass who thinks he knows more about the sport because he played it and you're just some joe-schmo who doesn't know anything. Well, former MMMMOpinion contributor Matt probably knows more about basketball than anyone and he managed to accomplish that without a successful NBA career.

Oh, and that fucker Ron Jaworski should go fuck himself. What an arrogant asshole. Him and Gruden make Monday Night Football practically unwatchable.

-Slick

Michael Jordan. . .

kind of sucks.

Just because Michael Jordan was a great basketball player and a great clutch shooter and a great dunker and a terrible baseball player and has cool shoes and owns the Charlotte Bobcats and starred in a movie with cartoon characters and Danny DeVito and was in a mediocre video game, people think he's a good guy. Well, he's not; he actually kind of sucks. Here's why:

1. He cheats on his wife. This doesn't even bother me anymore. Guys with power and opportunity are going to sleep with tons of women. However, I'll put this in here for all you young romantics out there who think otherwise.

BONUS: BLOG WITHIN A BLOG!

Big Time Athletes (and Jason Varitek) Cheat on Their Wives by Pat the Intern

There comes a time in an athlete's life when he chooses to cheat on his wife. Here is a small sample of men who have done that:

• Jason Varitek
• Allen Iverson
• Tiger Woods
• Michael Jordan
• Steve McNair
• Shaquille O'Neal
• Alex Rodriguez
• Brett Favre
• Kobe Bryant

Pat the Intern is assigning homework to all (Editor's note - both) the Mmmm, opinions loyal readers out there. The assignment is to go out and find more athletes who cheat on their wives. It's easy; I found these 9 by typing in "athletes who cheat on their wives" into Google and picking the nine most famous (except Jason Varitek. I just threw him in there because everyone in New England immortalizes him. In reality, he is a below-average catcher who cheats on his wife with female sideline reporters. Kudos to Tek though; Heidi Watney is pretty hot.). In fact, it is said that around 80% of professional athletes cheat on their wives!

This concludes the blog within the blog.

2. He is a jerk to his fans. I'm sure by now you have all heard the Chamillionaire/Michael Jordan story. Oh, you haven't? Well, here it is. And for those of you too lazy to click the link, rapper Chamillionaire asked to take a picture with Jordan. Jordan said, "I don't take pictures with niggas." Chamillionaire, confused, said, "I just paid $7,000 for your jersey at a charity event." Jordan replied, while laughing, "Tell you what. Give me $15,000 right now and I'll let you take a picture with me."
3. Gambling problems. Jordan is notorious for his gambling problems. In the book Michael and Me: Our Gambling Addiction... My Cry for Help, this real estate guy talks about how Jordan lost over a million dollars to him in golf. It also highlights how Jordan lost like $50,000 to a convicted cocaine dealer in poker. Maybe instead of working on his jump shot, he should've been working on his poker face! ZING!
4. The only thing about basketball he's good at is playing it. The Washington Wizards can thank Jordan for drafting Kwame Brown. They can also thank him for the brilliant trade in which the Wizards got Jerry Stackhouse for Richard Hamilton. These moves led directly to the zero championships the Wizards have compiled over the last 10 years.
5. He is a bitter asshole. Did you hear his Hall of Fame speech? Oh, you didn't? Well, here it is. What a weird speech. He just goes down a list of people he has grudges against. Honestly, who cares that Doug Collins didn't want you to play in the summer league? And even more honestly, who cares about the dude who made the varsity team over you like 32 years ago? Let it go, man. You didn't need to take a shot at the guy either; it's not like it was his choice to put himself on the team over you.

An honorable mention to the fact that he's a bad teammate. He would often yell at the GM and his teammates, and go gambling the night before a playoff game until well after midnight. Anyway, Michael Jordan kind of sucks, and no one should buy his shoes or his Space Jam posters anymore.

-Pat the Intern

These Commercials Make No Fucking Sense

awwww shucks. I almost made it through a whole post without swearing. Maybe next time. You may have noticed the newest member of MMMMOpinions, Pat the Intern. I feel like Pat is just the young go-getter this organization needs to take us to the next level. November is already pretty close to surpassing the number of posts from October so you can look forward to more of the rambling, overly opinionated posts you love. Anyway, these are some crappy commercials and I'm going to make myself feel better by pointing out their flaws.

Southwest.com
I'm pretty sure I already made fun of these assholes but apparently once wasn't enough. The geniuses over at the Southwest advertising department decided that "Bags Fly Free" just wasn't cutting it as a marketing scheme; they needed some bold new material. Thus, we were all given the gift that Southwest tickets are only available at Southwest.com. And here's where I get angry. I'm not sure why they think that having tickets only available at their website is helpful to me, the potential traveler. Instead of going to a website where I can compare several different airlines at once, like kayak for example, I now have to go out of my way and go to their website to see what their price is. Now, I don't fly that often . . . or at all really, so it's not really something I'm ever going to encounter and besides, I already decided I wasn't flying their shitty ass airline. But it annoys me that they think they're doing me a favor by only offering tickets at their website. On top of that, their employees are walking around singing about Southwest.com or playing some stupid ass game "Good Cop, Bag Cop" and yelling at other airplanes about bag fees. Fuck off assholes. That's probably why you have to sit on the plane for like 45 minutes before you actually taxi to the runway; it's because these dickwads are being a bunch of assholes instead of loading your bags.

Kayak.com
Continuing my hatred of airlines/airline related travel websites, this is the commercial where that bitch is sitting on a dock eating fruit with some guy. The guy doing the voiceover tells you that this bitch uses kayak to book her flights, but her boyfriend doesn't. Well thanks for sharing the information you dirty pirate hooker. The fuck is that shit? You've got a website that makes it easier to book flights but you don't tell your boyfriend? If he pulled that kind of shit you'd be fighting for a week and then you'd pretend to forgive him but really you'd just stash that memory away until you screwed up and he got mad and then you'd be like, "Yeah but what about that time you didn't tell me about kayak? I thought we were the kind of couple that shared everything with one another?" You know that's the kind of shit the man would never live down, and for the rest of their relationship he'd have to hear about it all the time. "I may have told your mother she was a fucking bitch, BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT KAYAK SO WHO'S THE REAL MONSTER?" Anyway, this bitch doesn't tell her boyfriend about kayak so now he stays up all night trying to find a cheap flight and oversleeps. What the fuck? Who books their flight the night before they're going on vacation? And then this bitch has the nerve to be eating fruit with some rando because she didn't tell her boyfriend about kayak, didn't tell him to book his flight more than 8 hours in advance, and then didn't bother to make sure he got up for his flight? What a fucking cunt. In hindsight, she probably did that guy a favor because now instead of going on vacation he has plenty of time to move all of this bitch's stuff out of his house. "Yeah? You want to fuck some dude named Dante on vacation because your fucking selfish? Enjoy living on the streets slut." Now, everybody say it with me: FUCK . . . THAT . . . . BITCH!

Life Alert
So this commercial starts with some old lady talking about the time she fell in her shower and couldn't get up, but luckily her daughter was coming over, OTHERWISE WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED?? So she decides she's going to buy a life alert system. Fine, I don't have a problem with that. You don't want to die, all the power to you. However, she then lists three feelings that she has experienced since she purchased this life saving device.
1. Safer: I don't have a problem with that. If you fall, someone comes and saves you. Fine, I believe you.
2. More Independent: Ummmm, really? How does buying a device that basically says you can't take care of yourself in an emergency make you feel independent? I guess it means that you don't have to have someone move in to take care of you or go live in a retirement home, but your starting to lose me here.
3. Even Younger: Alright bitch, now I know your full of shit. How does admitting that you can't take care of yourself without the possibility of dying make you feel younger. "Well, in the case that I fall and can't get up, I now have this stylish pendant that I push that summons the emergency care I need. Now, let's listen to some 8 tracks while we suck on some hard candy. OH YES! I FEEL SO MUCH YOUNGER NOW!!" You know who else can't take care of themselves without dying? Babies. So congratulations bitch, you are now as self reliant as a baby. I have no problem if you tell me life alert saves lives, but don't try to tell me you feel younger because I will knock your old ass over.

-Slick

Things Wrong With The Mighty Ducks Trilogy

The Mighty Ducks trilogy is the biggest sham perpetrated on American cinema patrons of all time. I’m so upset about it I’m just going to start listing things that come off the top of my head.

1. There is no “schoolyard” puck, as portrayed in D2. There isn’t a group of tough gangsters in SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES who play roller hockey. And even if there was, they would not have armpads, kneepads, helmets, and other proper equipment. Because nothing says gangsters and toughness like proper safety.
2. The movies are extremely racist. Gordon Bombay calls the line with Jesse Hall and his brother (Editor's note - I believe Jesse's brother is Terry), the black dudes, with Averman, the white dude in the middle, the “Oreo line.” And do I even need to comment on how the Latino guy is the one who is fast and has no other skills?
3. They have kids on the team who can only skate fast and have no other skills.
4. Roping isn’t a penalty and referees wouldn’t just make up penalty names on the spot. Not only does the kid go on the ice and physically assault someone with a weapon, he only gets 2 minutes for it.
5. Kids from Texas don’t play hockey and they certainly wouldn’t be good at it if they did.
6. Gordon Bombay gets a paid vacation and a limo for getting caught drunk driving.
7. Gordon Bombay leaves an unwed single mother and we are never given a reason why. (Editor's note - I bet he was busy getting in the crease of some hot Icelandic chicks, if you know what I mean!)
8. Goldberg made about 3 saves in all 3 movies combined on camera.
9. The team would rather play under the name “Ducks” than under the name USA. What arrogant pricks, they don’t even want to represent their own country.
10. That one dude wore a football helmet on the ice. (Editor's note - I believe that was Karp.)
11. I would be pumped if I knew a guy who was dating that Iceland chick. Not sit around and whine about it.
12. Averman is awful; there is no way he makes a national team.
13. There is no way a girl makes the national team at this level, let alone two.
14. Bombay is a jerk who wouldn’t let Adam Banks play hockey with his friends in the original.
15. Why did that old guy make those Ducks jerseys? Did he foresee them wanting to change jerseys at some point DURING the final game? Cause that is a weird thing to foresee.
16. D3 should have never been made.
17. Charlie Conway skips weeks of high school and isn’t punished for it.
18. There is no such thing as a JV play-by-play announcer.
19. D3 was just so awful I’m not even going to comment on it anymore.
20. Bombay leaves his successful lawyer job, in which he is making probably 6 figures, to coach in a recreational hockey league in which he isn’t getting paid. Brilliant.
21. The violence the bash brothers inflicted would be punished, not celebrated in youth hockey.
22. Trinidad and Tobago has a hockey team…
23. Trinidad and Tobago dance around after scoring…this made the score 7-1 USA
24. Goldberg let Trinidad and Tobago score.
25. They won like 2 games all year in the first Mighty Ducks yet made the playoffs. And how does an entire team get the measles? Seriously.

I think I can stop at 25, for now. This might end up being part 1 of an infinity part series.

-Pat the Intern

This Post is About Sports (This Title is Lame)

I couldn't think of a short, witty title for it. I apologize, because you people deserve better for what you're paying to be here.

There are 2 major sports stories with ties to the MA sports scene that have popped up in the last few days. The first is Randy Moss being released by the Vikings only 4 games after he was traded there. The second is the Kevin Garnett/Charlie Villanueva trash talking cancer incident. Let's go with the not-serious one first.

Most sports fans, sadly, are morons. You've got Pink Sox fans who can't name anyone on the team other than Ortiz and Ellsbury. You've got Yankees fans for whom every discussion about anything baseball related will eventually contain the number 27, despite its irrelevance to said discussion. You've got Patriots "fans" who don't know the first thing about football. You've got Jets fans, period. You've got Rays "fans" who don't show up for the first 81 home games and then all of the sudden are die-hard supporters. No fan base is immune to these jackoffs.

With that being said, you can usually identify these people pretty quickly. For instance, anyone who thought that trading Moss away would make the team better is a moron. In what situation does losing your best (and probably only) deep threat make a football team better? Was it the right move for the team? Maybe. Does it make the team better? Absolutely not.

Once Moss was waived, the Patriots couldn't have claimed him. Well, they could have but it would have been stupid. See, they have the best record, which means that have the last chance for a waiver claim. But if Moss had made it all the way through waivers to the Patriots claim, it would have been more sensible to just sign a new deal with him instead of claiming him and owing him all the remaining money on his current contract. I know, knowing stuff about sports is hard! So the bottom line is that they could possibly have signed Moss back to the team if no one else claimed him off waivers. And that would have meant that they had received a 3rd round draft pick just to play a few games without Moss. Score!

Now the issue because people, usually ignorant ones, blasting Pats fans for being glad that Moss was gone a few weeks ago, and now being psyched that he might be coming back. But there's a simple reason for that: the people who were glad Moss was gone are idiot sheep who just mouth off stupidly or repeat stupid crap they heard somewhere else. They are the sports equivalent of Rush Limbaugh's listeners, and their opinions should be paid just as much attention, i.e. none. Remember that crazy one-hand catch Moss made in the endzone against the Jets? That's reason enough to want him on you team. His presence makes the offense better, especially if that offense starts throwing to him on routes other than 40+ yard fly patterns.

And in related news, since Moss is often referred to as a "clubhouse cancer," let's talk about KG and his alleged comments. Well, I'll talk. You just read.

Charlie Villanueva claimed, over Twitter like a real man, that KG called him a "cancer patient." And then things blew up since without the Brett Favre will-he-or-won't-he-come-back saga, sportswriters don't know what to do with themselves. I think we can immediately dismiss Villanueva's charges based on one obvious fact. Had KG actually said this, it would have contained a lot more f-bombs. Have you ever seen a Celtics game? He swears constantly, almost as much as he breathes. He's like a cursing shark; if he stops, he'll die. There's no way that this comment happened the way Villanueva claims it did. Therefore, it didn't happen at all. QED

So why even claim it happened? Who knows. Maybe Charlie just was mad about the blowout and started running his mouth. Apparently athletes tweet things all the time without thinking first. And without proofreading. I guess that the filter part of your brain turns off when you have millions of dollars and a stream-of-consciousness outlet for your insanity. Or maybe he's trying to get inside KG's head. Or get a bunch of people against KG. Obviously this is going to be dragged out a lot longer than it should be. You can bet that next time the C's are in Detroit, things are going down.

The dumbest thing about this is that, for once, everyone is in agreement that if it did happen, it was terrible. So why even write it? Not a single writer has come out claiming that outlandish and inappropriate trash talking is just part of the NBA. So just let it go! Note - this post doesn't count because I am discussing whether it even happened at all, not whether or not it was bad.

Oh, and Beltre didn't take his option to stay with the Sox, making him a free agent. Damn, he was like their only player not to get hurt last year!

-Jon

Want more Mmmm, opinions quality with less Mmmm, opinions wordiness? Check out @TheRealMrDias on Twitter. Now cancer-patient-reference free for your enjoyment.

Get Out and Vote. . .

Or, you know, don't. Does it really make a difference? On ballot questions, sure, but for candidates? I doubt it.

I love when I hear people say or read people's writing that says "if you don't vote, you can't complain later." Really? So if I have to choose between getting kicked in the balls or punched in the face, I can't say it hurts afterwards? Just because I have a choice, it doesn't mean that I have to like it. What if I had to choose between lobster and crab? Either one is going to make me puke, but that's the only choice I have. The other option is not eating either, but apparently that is not ok either.

That's basically what elections come down to. Do you want to get screwed over by the Democratic candidate or by the Republican candidate? After all, both of them are going to spend all your hard-earned money. If I tried to operate my life and completely ignored my budget and just spent money like crazy, I'd be broke and living in a box on the street while wearing as many of my clothes as possible and making funny signs on random pieces of cardboard or shouting incoherent nonsense at random passersby. "Don't use the toothpaste! The Russians are using it for mind control to assassinate JFK's clone!!!!" Or maybe living in Kathryn's house secretly whenever she left to go to work until she caught me and kicked me out. But I wouldn't be able to just take more money from people to continue on with my jackass shenanigans. I can't believe people aren't more outraged by that. No one would let me go over to them and take money of out their pocket without some sort of struggle, but if the government decides that the sales tax rate should go up 25% from 5 to 6.25, everyone's just cool with it. Morons. They're stealing from us!

For the record, I did vote today. And even though it's a secret ballot, I don't mind saying I only voted for Independents. But I don't expect much to change. Unless Question 1 or Question 3 passes, in which case I'll be delighted.

-Jon

Home Alone was. . .

a warning about big banking!

At first glance, Home Alone seems innocent enough. It would appear to be a heart-warming holiday comedy starring rising child actor Macaulay Caulkin and acting veterans Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. However, writer John Hughes hid a deeper message in the movie that only I recently have uncovered, warning us about Big Banking becoming out of control in 2008. Try and stay with me: You would think Kevin McCallister (Caulkin’s character) would play the protagonist in this tale, and to the untrained eye he does. However, Kevin represents all the characteristics of big banking. 1. He’s out of control. McCallister runs around the entire movie out of control and unsupervised. Just like Big Banks. Kevin’s parents represent bank regulation. They are conveniently absent. 2. He robs middle class families and small businesses of wealth. Kevin not only steals from Buzz (his own brother!), but he also steals from a small shop. Yea! Remember that scene when Kevin steals the toothbrush and you are rooting for him to get away from the cop? Well I bet you are starting to realize you should’ve rooted for the cop. We could’ve avoided this whole issue. 3. He gets bailed out in the end. 4. He gets rewarded for causing a mess. We will get to those last two issues in a second. But first…

Let’s talk a bit about other characters and what they stand for. As stated, Kevin’s parents represent bank regulation. Kevin’s parents do not regulate (discipline) him throughout the movie, just as banks weren’t regulated in the 2000s. You might say, “Well his mother sends him to the attic, that’s regulating (disciplining) him for being bad.” I would say this: the attic is the place that he wants to go. Now he is out of the public eye, free to scheme ways to get rid of regulation. Just like big banks: when they are out of the public eye, they scheme ways to weaken regulation and make up things like subprime lending and mortgage backed securities.

Next I want to get to the heroes of the tale, Marv and Harry. Marv and Harry represent the working class, just trying to get a piece of the pie. They are tired of banks having all this wealth and being greedy with it. I mean, you see the houses on that street. They have way more stuff than you would ever need. All that Marv and Harry own is tattered clothing and a rape van. And that rape van was probably going to be repossessed. So Marv and Harry decide to take things into their own hands and try and get some wealth that the big banks possess. Kevin puts together traps to prevent them from getting wealth, the same ways big banks set up traps for the working class trying to buy homes (acquire wealth) such as Adjustable Rates and predatory lending. So, Harry and Marv decide it’s time to take action and bring Kevin to justice the same way the working class wanted to bring big banking to justice, by hanging them from a door and beating them with an iron. And when they have Kevin hanging up on a door, about to deliver a good old fashioned iron beating he gets “bailed out” by…

The federal government. Or I should say: the weird, old, neighbor who represents the federal government. In the beginning of the movie, everyone is afraid of him because he is so old, strange and complex (Just like our government) and everyone always thinks he’s up to no good (Just like our government!). By the end you fear and hate him because he saves Kevin from getting the beating he deserves.

As if that’s not enough he gets rewarded for the trouble he caused by getting a bonus, Christmas presents. The same way big banks gave their top executives bonuses in the midst of the banking crisis.

What does this all mean? It means we have to pay attention to the deeper meaning of things. It also means we all must watch Home Alone 2 and break down the real meaning of it. Maybe this time we won’t be too late and we will listen to the warnings John Hughes has given us.

-Pat the Intern