The Goonies is. . .

overrated.

Ooooh, what a blasphemous start to this post.

In case you have spent a good portion of your life living in a cave or under a rock or Wyoming, The Goonies is an 80s cult classic that, for some reason, everyone I know loves. But it's not that great, even though it stars Samwise Gamgee and one of the Coreys. Look, I know the difference between good and bad movies. I've paid to see Girl, Interrupted (slept through it) and Mona Lisa Smile (made out through it and then left early). I've seen Crossroads, which is an abomination with Britney Spears as its star. This isn't my first time to the rodeo.

My main problem with this movie is that 80% of the movie is screaming kids. I recently learned that crying babies actually register higher on the decibel scale than a motorcycle. I am going to equate crying babies and screaming kids, so basically watching this movie is the equivalent of raping your eardrums for 114 minutes. In addition, scientists have determined that while kids in general kind of suck, screaming kids are actually 23,186 times worse than non-screaming ones. It's science.

Also, the pirate whose treasure the kids are trying to find is One-Eyed Willie. Which means the kids are looking for penis treasure. How is that a fond childhood memory?

So why is this movie so popular? Nostalgia. That is a surprisingly powerful memory impacter. (PS - I am shocked that impacter is an actual word.) For instance, I pretty much love every song from the early and mid 90s, regardless of quality. Also, my favorite games are almost all on the Super Nintendo, which means they are 15+ years old. My favorite Terry Pratchett book is Thief of Time. Why? Because it's the first one I read. So people love The Goonies because they remember it from their childhood.

Nostalgia is especially effective in this case, because there are some classic moments in this film. The Truffle Shuffle is hilarious, especially when you can get a chubby kid to do it. And "Sloth love Chunk" will always be one of the top movie lines. And what kid didn't want to find a treasure map and a bunch of gold and jewels when they were a kid? But overall, this movie's actual quality as compared to remembered quality skews heavily toward the latter.

Sorry for ruining your childhood. At least you're more educated now.

Also, apparently this month is Rip On Random Movies Month.

-Jon