These Commercials Make No Fucking Sense

awwww shucks. I almost made it through a whole post without swearing. Maybe next time. You may have noticed the newest member of MMMMOpinions, Pat the Intern. I feel like Pat is just the young go-getter this organization needs to take us to the next level. November is already pretty close to surpassing the number of posts from October so you can look forward to more of the rambling, overly opinionated posts you love. Anyway, these are some crappy commercials and I'm going to make myself feel better by pointing out their flaws.

Southwest.com
I'm pretty sure I already made fun of these assholes but apparently once wasn't enough. The geniuses over at the Southwest advertising department decided that "Bags Fly Free" just wasn't cutting it as a marketing scheme; they needed some bold new material. Thus, we were all given the gift that Southwest tickets are only available at Southwest.com. And here's where I get angry. I'm not sure why they think that having tickets only available at their website is helpful to me, the potential traveler. Instead of going to a website where I can compare several different airlines at once, like kayak for example, I now have to go out of my way and go to their website to see what their price is. Now, I don't fly that often . . . or at all really, so it's not really something I'm ever going to encounter and besides, I already decided I wasn't flying their shitty ass airline. But it annoys me that they think they're doing me a favor by only offering tickets at their website. On top of that, their employees are walking around singing about Southwest.com or playing some stupid ass game "Good Cop, Bag Cop" and yelling at other airplanes about bag fees. Fuck off assholes. That's probably why you have to sit on the plane for like 45 minutes before you actually taxi to the runway; it's because these dickwads are being a bunch of assholes instead of loading your bags.

Kayak.com
Continuing my hatred of airlines/airline related travel websites, this is the commercial where that bitch is sitting on a dock eating fruit with some guy. The guy doing the voiceover tells you that this bitch uses kayak to book her flights, but her boyfriend doesn't. Well thanks for sharing the information you dirty pirate hooker. The fuck is that shit? You've got a website that makes it easier to book flights but you don't tell your boyfriend? If he pulled that kind of shit you'd be fighting for a week and then you'd pretend to forgive him but really you'd just stash that memory away until you screwed up and he got mad and then you'd be like, "Yeah but what about that time you didn't tell me about kayak? I thought we were the kind of couple that shared everything with one another?" You know that's the kind of shit the man would never live down, and for the rest of their relationship he'd have to hear about it all the time. "I may have told your mother she was a fucking bitch, BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT KAYAK SO WHO'S THE REAL MONSTER?" Anyway, this bitch doesn't tell her boyfriend about kayak so now he stays up all night trying to find a cheap flight and oversleeps. What the fuck? Who books their flight the night before they're going on vacation? And then this bitch has the nerve to be eating fruit with some rando because she didn't tell her boyfriend about kayak, didn't tell him to book his flight more than 8 hours in advance, and then didn't bother to make sure he got up for his flight? What a fucking cunt. In hindsight, she probably did that guy a favor because now instead of going on vacation he has plenty of time to move all of this bitch's stuff out of his house. "Yeah? You want to fuck some dude named Dante on vacation because your fucking selfish? Enjoy living on the streets slut." Now, everybody say it with me: FUCK . . . THAT . . . . BITCH!

Life Alert
So this commercial starts with some old lady talking about the time she fell in her shower and couldn't get up, but luckily her daughter was coming over, OTHERWISE WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED?? So she decides she's going to buy a life alert system. Fine, I don't have a problem with that. You don't want to die, all the power to you. However, she then lists three feelings that she has experienced since she purchased this life saving device.
1. Safer: I don't have a problem with that. If you fall, someone comes and saves you. Fine, I believe you.
2. More Independent: Ummmm, really? How does buying a device that basically says you can't take care of yourself in an emergency make you feel independent? I guess it means that you don't have to have someone move in to take care of you or go live in a retirement home, but your starting to lose me here.
3. Even Younger: Alright bitch, now I know your full of shit. How does admitting that you can't take care of yourself without the possibility of dying make you feel younger. "Well, in the case that I fall and can't get up, I now have this stylish pendant that I push that summons the emergency care I need. Now, let's listen to some 8 tracks while we suck on some hard candy. OH YES! I FEEL SO MUCH YOUNGER NOW!!" You know who else can't take care of themselves without dying? Babies. So congratulations bitch, you are now as self reliant as a baby. I have no problem if you tell me life alert saves lives, but don't try to tell me you feel younger because I will knock your old ass over.

-Slick