The Story of How Nickelback Came To Be

Editor's note - Please sue Pat, and not me. Thanks Canada.

Two executives at Warner Bros were watching Game 4 of the 1995 World Series and had a couple of drinks. One executive, Johnny Fremont, said, "The people that listen to and buy music are idiots. Our company could make anybody famous." His friend and fellow executive, John C. Calhoun, said, "No way! People are smart and wouldn't buy or listen to music that sucked." So, as the Braves polished off a 5-2 win to take a 3-1 World Series lead, Fremont said, "I'll make you a bet. I bet you I can find the most generic, lame, non-entertaining band in the world and make them successful." Calhoun replied, "You're on!" They shook hands and bet "the usual amount."

Fremont searched America for years, looking for shitty bands. In his autobiography How I Helped Ruin Music: The Story of Nickelback, he describes how he particularly liked the challenge of Papa Roach. Just when Fremont was about to sign Papa Roach, thinking they were the shittiest band he was going to find, he walked in a Canadian bar in Hanna, Alberta, Canada. Fremont explains, "The only reason I was going to the bar was because I was out of drugs. I walk into this place, and I was stunned to hear how generic, awful and not entertaining this band was." The band was a young Nickelback. The more Fremont listened, the more he was horrified. He thought to himself, "If I can make this band successful, I will win a Rambo lunchbox from Johnny."

One day in 1999, Fremont came into the office smiling. Calhoun asked him what the deal was. Fremont explained how he had found the worst band ever and was going to make them successful and win the bet. Calhoun responded, "Oh yeah, let's hear them." After listening to only 4 songs, Calhoun couldn't take it anymore. He vomited all over Fremont and blacked out. When Calhoun awoke, he was in a state of shock. "I don't understand how a band could have such lame lyrics and be so untalented," he said. "We can't give this band a contract; we'll lose our jobs!" However, Fremont had a plan. "I'll take full responsibility for the band," he said. "I already have a plan. First, we make radio stations play Nickelback at least 55 times a day. Then we will pay influential people so that they say Nickelback is good. Americans will do whatever famous people tell them to do. Next, we talk to our friend Clay Henry over at the movie studio and make him put Nickelback on every movie soundtrack. Finally, we make the radio stations play them 100 times a day!! And, completely unrelated to this, I saw this asexual man named Ryan Seacrest on a game show and he was truly awful. I want an idea for a show combining him with shitty music sung by regular people. Don't worry, I'll find a way to make the show popular."

With this foolproof plan, Fremont jumped into action. First, Nickelback was on the radio. Then they had a song on the Spiderman soundtrack. Then Ryan Seacrest had his own radio show and he was playing Nickelback. The general public began consuming Nickelback at an ungodly rate. They didn't like it at first, but it slowly became intolerable, and, combining the influence of a hit movie, Ryan Seacrest and millions of radio plays, all of a sudden people started to actually like it. Nickelback had become the second best foreign selling act in American history. (Behind The Beatles. Thanks America. There is a list out there that has Nickelback right behind The Beatles. Or, as Slick would say, RIGHT BEHIND THE FUCKING BEATLES!!)

John C. Calhoun went into a state of depression as Nickelback became more and more popular. He took his own life August 1, 2007, stating, "Wow, this music sucks. I don't want to live anymore. And I don't know why I bet on Cleveland in the 1995 World Series. But come on America, Nickelback?? What the fuck? Ok, I'm going to die now." Fremont knew he had unleashed a monster. Over the next few years, music executives, instead of looking for talented bands, followed Fremont's lead and started churning out shitty bands like Daughtry, Snow Patrol and Plain White T's. Calhoun's death is what drove Fremont to write his autobiography. This autobiography predicts an ominous future if we keep allowing shitty bands like Nickelback to be played on the radio.

This is only a summary of the story of Fremont's book and the story of Nickelback, but I urge you all to read the book and to write to your radio stations demanding that Nickelback not be played anymore.

-Pat the Intern