Things Wrong With The Mighty Ducks Trilogy

The Mighty Ducks trilogy is the biggest sham perpetrated on American cinema patrons of all time. I’m so upset about it I’m just going to start listing things that come off the top of my head.

1. There is no “schoolyard” puck, as portrayed in D2. There isn’t a group of tough gangsters in SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES who play roller hockey. And even if there was, they would not have armpads, kneepads, helmets, and other proper equipment. Because nothing says gangsters and toughness like proper safety.
2. The movies are extremely racist. Gordon Bombay calls the line with Jesse Hall and his brother (Editor's note - I believe Jesse's brother is Terry), the black dudes, with Averman, the white dude in the middle, the “Oreo line.” And do I even need to comment on how the Latino guy is the one who is fast and has no other skills?
3. They have kids on the team who can only skate fast and have no other skills.
4. Roping isn’t a penalty and referees wouldn’t just make up penalty names on the spot. Not only does the kid go on the ice and physically assault someone with a weapon, he only gets 2 minutes for it.
5. Kids from Texas don’t play hockey and they certainly wouldn’t be good at it if they did.
6. Gordon Bombay gets a paid vacation and a limo for getting caught drunk driving.
7. Gordon Bombay leaves an unwed single mother and we are never given a reason why. (Editor's note - I bet he was busy getting in the crease of some hot Icelandic chicks, if you know what I mean!)
8. Goldberg made about 3 saves in all 3 movies combined on camera.
9. The team would rather play under the name “Ducks” than under the name USA. What arrogant pricks, they don’t even want to represent their own country.
10. That one dude wore a football helmet on the ice. (Editor's note - I believe that was Karp.)
11. I would be pumped if I knew a guy who was dating that Iceland chick. Not sit around and whine about it.
12. Averman is awful; there is no way he makes a national team.
13. There is no way a girl makes the national team at this level, let alone two.
14. Bombay is a jerk who wouldn’t let Adam Banks play hockey with his friends in the original.
15. Why did that old guy make those Ducks jerseys? Did he foresee them wanting to change jerseys at some point DURING the final game? Cause that is a weird thing to foresee.
16. D3 should have never been made.
17. Charlie Conway skips weeks of high school and isn’t punished for it.
18. There is no such thing as a JV play-by-play announcer.
19. D3 was just so awful I’m not even going to comment on it anymore.
20. Bombay leaves his successful lawyer job, in which he is making probably 6 figures, to coach in a recreational hockey league in which he isn’t getting paid. Brilliant.
21. The violence the bash brothers inflicted would be punished, not celebrated in youth hockey.
22. Trinidad and Tobago has a hockey team…
23. Trinidad and Tobago dance around after scoring…this made the score 7-1 USA
24. Goldberg let Trinidad and Tobago score.
25. They won like 2 games all year in the first Mighty Ducks yet made the playoffs. And how does an entire team get the measles? Seriously.

I think I can stop at 25, for now. This might end up being part 1 of an infinity part series.

-Pat the Intern