Awesome Things to Do While Driving*

Unless you live in a major metropolitan area with a quality public transit system, chances are you have to spend a lot of your time in a car. So do a lot of other people. With all these people on the road, there are bound to be issues. Here is some advice on how to be a more awesome driver.

• Ignore stop signs - You have places to go, and these other people are in the way. Just because there is a bright red sign requesting you to stop, probably for safety concerns, doesn't mean you have to be bothered. A quick tap of the brakes and you're on your way. They're really just glorified Yield signs. A nice addition to this is to blow through the stop sign and then give other people waiting a dirty look. What the hell is their problem anyways?
• Merge onto major highways at 30mph - The speed limit is 65, but that's just a suggestion for other people. You're an important person for whom signs don't really apply. And that line of cars behind you? Just a bunch of fools. You merge at your own pace, rest of the traffic be damned. As an added bonus, once you completely destroy the traffic pattern with your glacial merging speed, it's fun to curse at everyone around you for driving so slowly.
• Start braking when you see the "1/2 mi to exit sign" - Half a mile is probably enough space to slow down a 550mph Boeing 747, but you're not taking any chances. As soon as that sign pops up, ease off that accelerator and coast to your destination. Speed limits are for other people. If exiting the highway is really that important to them, they'll be happy to wait behind you. Bonus points for immediately speeding up again after you hit the exit ramp. Even more bonus points if you then get in the wrong toll booth and mess up everyone with a Fast Lane. Deal with that, suckers!
• Don't use a blinker - You live a mysterious life. I mean, sure you put every mundane detail of your daily minutiae on your Facebook newsfeed, and your Twitter account has 17 followers who really love hearing how you "just saved 17 cents/lb on watermelon!!!1!!!", but some things need to be kept private. Like when you plan on turning. No one else needs to know where you're going. Are you supposed to be putting your blinker on every time you turn, like some Frenchman**?!? No! Screw everyone else!!
• Keep your blinker on for extended periods of time - Fine, you want to use a blinker? Just turn it on indiscriminately and you're good to go. As the miles tick by and the people behind you get more and more confused, you can rest easy knowing that when/if you eventually turn, people will have had ample notice. That obnoxious clicking sound you keep hearing? Probably not important.
• Tailgate people doing the speed limit in the slow lane - Yes it's raining. And yes, there is lots of open space in the left lane. And yes, the person in front of you is maintaining a constant 65mph. So what? They're probably a huge jerk, so you should get right up on their tail to let them know. It's also nice if you can get your high beams to shine right into their rearview mirror to really show them you mean business. Blinded drivers make the best drivers. Just look at old people.
• Drive with your knees while eating - Hands don't need to have all the fun while driving. You've got 2 knees just sitting there, doing nothing. Let them in on the action. Now you can really enjoy your Whopper while you drift back and forth across your lane. Sure, other people are now in serious danger, but you can't resist the deliciousness of that flame-broiled burger you just ordered. I suppose you could eat it inside the restaurant, but that really isn't very exciting, now is it?

-Jon

* This has probably been done hundreds of times before, by hundreds of other people. But not by me, so it hasn't been done right.

** Actually, French people rarely use blinkers. It's like forbidden. At least in southern France.

What Is This Crap?

Ha! That title gives you absolutely no information about what content is coming to you in the post. Now you'll have to read to see what is going on.

I have been playing video games almost as long as I can remember. I know we had an Intellivision growing up, but a lot of those games were just weird. Also, a high percentage of the time I had no idea what I was doing, which made things more confusing. I remember there was this submarine game where you had to blow up other boats or something, but the controls were so ridiculous that it mostly came down to luck. Maybe that's cause I was like 4 years old.

Things really took off when I had my first experience with the Nintendo Entertainment System. I remember seeing Punch-Out!! at my friend Mike's house, and it was on. We were a Nintendo house (remember those days of Nintendo vs Sega?) up until we turned into a multi-console family. NES, SNES, Gameboy, N64, Playstation, Gamecube, PS2, Wii, DS, PS3. Never an Xbox house. And still not to this day. Still, I'd consider myself something of an experienced gamer.

And that brings us to today's topic. Why is there so much annoying crap, even in good games? It's like they are trying to stop me from playing. I am on something of a run right now, completing games left and right. And since I only play good games (now anyways; I can't speak for things like Milon's Secret Castle or other youthful transgressions), anything I mention here can be considered a major flaw.

Fallout 3 - This game was ridiculous! I logged something like 70 hours, and I still didn't do everything that was available. Combined with the fact that I got the game for like $26, that is some serious bang for your buck. (Bang For Your Buck sounds like deer porn.) Great game.

Major annoying flaw? This game has to be the most glitch-filled piece of programming that I've ever encountered, short of maybe any version of Windows. People in missions randomly disappear, items will just be floating randomly in the air, quests will just halt in the middle because some line of code doesn't execute properly. . . . It's absurd! Just one example: I rescued some idiots who had gotten caught by Super Mutants (don't worry, they are really just regular mutants) and they wanted me to teach them how to protect their town from future attacks. Ok, I'm a nice guy, so why not. I go back to their loser village and find a couple of defense robots in the trash pile. Yahtzee. I repair the robots and everything's good right? Give me some money for helping you. Wrong. The game decides that, even though the robots are walking around patrolling the town, I did not, in fact, repair them so the quest never ends. Cut to a couple days later, the town is empty except for the robots. Where the hell did everyone go?!? What a load of crap.

GTA IV - Mostly the expansion pack that I was playing recently, as the original game has long since been completed. However, there are some issues that are in both. Everyone knows the GTA franchise at this point, and probably is in either the "love it" or "hate it" camp. I like the games, although I frequently ignore the story in favor of jacking some sort of large vehicle (SWAT truck, armored car, tractor trailer, etc) and going happy-go-jacky like a donkey eatin' a waffle in a crowded area. Or finding a nice roof spot to snipe some fools until the cops show up and make me take out their helicopters via the rocket launcher. I did finish the main story as well as the "The Ballad of Gay Tony" expansion pack, so I'm pretty much done with this game.

Annoying crap in this game? Cars flip a lot. I am pretty sure that if you hit a cardboard box, your car is not going to flip over. It's not a big deal when I'm just goofing around, but when that baloney happens during a mission, it's enough to fling a controller somewhere. It's also really hard to target someone if they're nearby. I can pick someone off with an assault rifle from 30 meters while they are hiding behind a dumpster, but if they get within 3 feet of me, I'm toast. That seems pretty foolish to me.

Also, why is it so hard to fly the helicopters in this game? It's like trying to shave while wearing snow gloves and blindfolded while you're drunk. Actually, that might be easier than flying a helicopter here. As soon as you know there's a helicopter mission, get ready for some frustration. Or queue up some luck.

Super Mario Galaxy 2 - I like Mario games. For instance, I may enjoy Mario 2 an unhealthy amount. And I used to play Mario 3 when I was home sick with the goal of beating the game with 99 lives left. Usually I only ended up in the 70s though. And Super Mario World? That's a top 3 SNES game if I've ever seen one. I also enjoyed the first Super Mario Galaxy, so there were high expectations for this one.

Overall? It's really good. Good enough for me to try to get the 120 hidden green stars after I earned the first 120. And that's saying something, since I didn't bother finding the second set in the first game. That's because in the first game, the second group of stars were exactly the same as the first, you just got them as Luigi instead. Luigi is great in Mario 2. In these? Eff him. In the second Galaxy game, the second set of stars are hidden in the original levels, but they're in tricky spots or out of the way so you need some skill to get them. That's a pretty cool idea.

Not so cool is the control system. Everyone is so in love with this game, so I would think that someone else would have had these issues. I understand that there are difficulties with implementing control in 3-D. I also understand that part of the challenge of the green stars is making them difficult to acquire. I do not understand that once I've found the star, why the game feels it's necessary to make things extra difficult with bullshit like not letting me move the camera or making it impossible for to gauge Mario's distance from the star or height above/below it. That's just mean.

Metal Gear Solid 4 - I'm risking a verbal assault with this one, assuming Matt reads this. I loved Metal Gear Solid. I liked Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. I played Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. So it's not like I'm new to the series. Also, I am not completely finished with the 4th installment, so maybe I will change my views later. I doubt it though.

This game has way too many cutscenes. Long ones. Like, I can make and eat a sandwich and clean up during a cutscene. And they are frequent. This may be because there have been a whole bunch of loose strings from the first three games and they need to clean up, but at some point it's just too much. Half of my playtime is probably occupied by watching these things. It's like half game, half movie. Give me a break.

Also, I don't like how slow the targeting is. If a real soldier moved this slow, he'd be super dead. Like 4 times. I can move faster, and I don't have any kind of training whatsoever.

There will probably be a more detailed review of Super Mario Galaxy 2 once I've gotten the rest of the green stars. Or not. I like promising things more than I like fulfilling those promises.

-Jon

The New Heineken Commercial is. . .

a little too close to the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" commercials for me to think they are not inspired by that particular advertising campaign. Slash ripping it off.

Here are a bunch of the Dos Equis ones. And the first one here is the new Heineken one with Maurice. Go watch those, and then come back for the discussion. Also, you may have to sign in to watch some of them because they are about alcohol or some such baloney. Come on, Youtube. I could probably find naked people in a shorter time that it takes me to write this sentence, but you're going to censor my booze commercial watching? That seems ridiculous.

Also, don't you feel blessed that you get 2 posts in one day? You should. This is a rare occasion that will be celebrated by. . . I don't know, something with beer perhaps.

Ok, you've watched both? Let's look at the similarities.

Both characters are older gentlemen who are clearly quite popular with the ladies. The Dos Equis guy (does he have a name? I don't think he does. I am going to call him Carlos for the rest of this post) is some white guy pretending to be something else, possibly Hispanic, while Maurice is a black guy who is being a black guy. Obviously both commercials are going for minority appeal. Carlos has two different types of commercials: ones where he is described by a voiceover and ones where he offers advice on a specific topic. Maurice only has one commercial that I've seen; he recommends Peter Cetera to some nerdstrom (1 point for getting the reference) as a good way to pick up chicks. So advice comes from both of these guys. This is another major similarity. There's probably something else, but I just don't feel like writing any more. The point is that Heineken ripped off Dos Equis, and people need to know that!

Although, to be fair, Dos Equis clearly ripped off the "Most Interesting Man in the World" idea from those Chuck Norris things that go around all the time. So apparently everyone is a crook. Maurice is a ripoff of Carlos, who is a ripoff of Chuck Norris. It's like American Dad is a ripoff of Peter Griffin, who is a ripoff of Homer. And any book I write will probably end up being a ripoff of something else. Making up new things is hard. Except for the Cupcake Saga. The only thing ripped off there is Nanerpus. I think I originally had a point here.

Did you know? Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard; there is only another fist.

-Jon

The DVR is Still Useless

You may have had the privilege of reading my previous entry on the cable service provided to my current residence. If you have not read it, you should probably read it now so that this will make more sense. I'll sit here and try to figure out why Heidi Watney is wearing a long coat and scarf in the 60 degree Oakland weather. Silly woman.

Now, for the majority of the time recently, everything has been functioning at an acceptable level. The picture gets a little funky once in a while, but it's usually during something I don't care too much about, like a rerun of Family Guy. It's almost like the cable is specifically targeting Fox. However, the other day the cable decided it had lain low long enough, and it made its attack.

The DVR only recorded half of Burn Notice. This is a major problem.

I like Burn Notice. I look forward to watching the new episodes on Friday morning. This is one of the highlights of my week, as my life is somewhat sad and pathetic. I was thus very upset when my program was not recorded. Now I have no idea what wacky hijinx Michael Westen got up to last week. (PS - Matt does a pretty hilarious Michael Westen impression.)

How in the world is this acceptable? Also, in what world would I schedule a recording to cover only the first 32 minutes of the show? This is ridiculous. The DVR has been programmed to record this show for the last 15 months. Obviously I didn't change any settings now. I also looked at the scheduled recordings and it claims it will be recording Burn Notice every Thursday night from 9:00-10:02 (you never know when things will spill over). This is clearly a case where I did NOT screw up. You're on notice, DVR.

I have rescheduled the foolish thing to be sure that everything is set up correctly. Stay tuned this Friday. If things go wrong again, there may be a profanity-laced post that will make you think Slick is writing it.

-Jon

Editor's note - I wrote this last night but dated it this morning so that I wouldn't over-post Slick's random beach musings. It's also weird that we both wrote something about Heidi Watney. Get out of my head!!!

Life's a Beach

That's awfully close to the word "bitch" isn't it? We went to the beach today so I decided to bring back an Mmmmopinion original: Random Shit vs. Something Similar. Completely off topic, I'm watching the Sox while typing this and that Heidi Watney is really cute. I would do horrible, horrible things so that I could do horrible things to her. That sentence is a little confusing but keep trying, you'll get it. When in Rome. The two beaches I'm going to be comparing are Misquamicut (which has two fewer a's than I thought, fucking i's) and Hampton Beach. So come along on a magic carpet ride as I arbitrarily determine categories and winners. This is probably going to set a personal record for least coherent post to date. I'm not sure how I would measure that, maybe I'll have to write a post about it. Nevertheless, let's go.

Proximity to other things: Hampton Beach is close to whatever is in New Hampshire and Misquamicut is close to whatever is in Rhode Island.

Minus one point for each.

Waves: Hampton Beach has decent waves about as often as Haley's Comet comes around. I don't think that's very often but what am I, a fucking astronomer? Meanwhile, the waves at Squamy were insane today. Probably like 10 feet at least. I also don't know jackshit about waves but I think that's impressive. It is for me.

Point: Squamy

Surrounding entertainment: A slam dunk win for Hampton. There's arcades (assuming they haven't all burned down), there's mini-golf, there's a bunch of other shitty stuff that you only buy because you're on vacation. Why do I need a Hampton Beach sweatshirt? So that you know I've been there? Yeah, me and everyone else in Massachusetts. Misquamicut doesn't have shit. Plus, Hampton has that big Italian guy not named Giuseppi who sells sausage grinders. Those things are the tits. Speaking of tits . . .

Slut Factor:
Is it offensive? Almost definitely but I feel it's necessary. Pretty much a clear cut category: which beach is going to have more sluts, or "females" as I believe they may be called outside of Ludlow. This is a strong win for Hampton Beach and while many of the "females" are potential jail bait, I can't take a point away from HB because I'm creepy. God made man in his image, so I assume in his infinite wisdom he thinks it's ok. If not, I have a strict look but don't touch policy. Misquamicut seems like more of a family oriented place, and that's just a real boner-kill.

Point: Hampton

Decision: If you're going to spend actual time in the water and not just work on your tan (it's not just a skin color, it's a lifestyle) then you should go to Squamy. If you're going to check out girls (which I believe is 99.7% of a guy's interest in the beach) then you should go to Hampton. This is one of those mmmmopinions where it's a win-win. Plus I always try to look for the good in any situation. But you already knew this.

Before I close this poorly written abomination, I'm going to present some conclusions I reached today. First, if a girl walks by, no matter what she looks like, and I cannot stress that enough, no matter what she looks like a guy will automatically check her out. I'm confident I mentioned this in my rant about the proper uses of facebook, but it deserves repeating. Ladies: every guy you have ever met in your entire life has judged you based on how you look. If you don't believe that, you're a fucking moron. Before I arrive at conclusion #2 I need to point out that in pretty much every profession a woman's salary is lower than a man's for doing the same work. I'm not saying it's right, but it's a fact that you need to be aware of. That being said, I would gladly, gladly, GLADLY give up a portion of my salary (assuming I start looking for a job) if it would guarantee that every woman I passed would blatantly check me out. It would be the best hypothetical money I could ever spend.

"Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I want to one day live in."

-Slick

The Beer-hemoth 3

Ok, this is what we've been preparing for all summer. Or maybe all my life. The Vermont Brewers Festival! Thirty-nine brewers, 188 varieties of beer, thousands of people. . . this thing was crazy. We arrived in Burlington during the first Saturday session (2nd overall session) and we walked by the festival area just to check it out. I was slightly overwhelmed by the whole thing. Next year we'll have to do all 3 sessions so that I can get one of those super-pimp cup holder necklaces! And also I'm going to bring more money to buy silly beer-related things.

I also got to eat Vermont's best burger! You can go read that later! Or now. Just don't forget to come back and read this one, because I am putting a lot of work into it.

First things first: I should not be allowed to drive a car in any kind of urban environment. It is just an absolute disaster. I should move to a city and sell my car so that I'll never have to drive again!

This festival had a lot less free stuff. That is ok since it had a lot more beer! I will just need to attend some more festivals so that I can up my swag-load. Hey, the walls of Burger Bros slash my man-room aren't going to decorate themselves! I need as much beer-related paraphernalia as I can get my hands on. I also bought a new pint glass and a couple of t-shirts. Good weekend all around in the acquisition department.

We were at the festival for the opening bell of the final session, which meant we were some of the first people in line at Lawson's Finest when 6:00 rolled around the tasting began. Good thing too! I started off my festival with Noonan's Tribute, which was their special brew in honor of the recently deceased Greg Noonan. It was pretty good, but I bet it would have been much better if it had been cold. It also reminded me of Christmas. I don't know how to explain that any better. After we got our beers, the line behind us was absolutely out of control. Probably the longest one we saw all night. And there were some long lines.

Next I moved over to Longtrail and tried the Black and White. It was super-citrusy. Maybe even too citrusy. It didn't really taste like a beer. For me, the sample was more than enough. I probably wouldn't buy this on its own, but I wouldn't be pissed off it was included in a mix-pack.

Up next was Otter Creek Stovepipe Porter. I am really starting to get into these dark beers. This one was especially heavy, which means it is not Kathryn-beer. I liked it a lot, and I will probably grab a 6-pack next time I am at Table & Vine.

Alright, so we're off to a pretty good start now. Two beers out of three with no real prior knowledge counts as success in my book. The line at Magic Hat was not very long at this point, so we got into it and I got an Epic Elixir. The description said that it was a "malty amber ale with toffee and caramel." That description did not match the beer that I was drinking at all! The beer I had was very sweet and still good, but I didn't notice any toffee or caramel. This would be another good mix-pack beer.

Beer #5 was Harpoon 100 Barrel Series. I am not sure what this beer was all about, but I didn't like it. Also, I hope you like foam! This beer was extra foamy, which is fine because that just means I had less of it that I had to drink. Harpoon was also selling things like t-shirts, bumper stickers and dog collars. I tried to get Kathryn to buy a collar for Odin, but they were gigantic and would have actually been a belt for the little guy.

At this point, we saw our first and only pregnant woman. Seriously, get these people out of the brewers festivals!

Moving on to the next group of tents, I tried the Mountain Ale from The Shed. This was a brown ale, so think of Newcastle but better. I would recommend this one to others. I also need to find out where some of these beers are sold. Maybe you should find them and get them for me for my upcoming birthday.

Next was the Gardner Ale House Naked Stout. I think this beer may have been misnamed, as the person serving it to me was fully clothed, and I did not end up naked after drinking it. It's a stout, so you pretty much know what you're getting when you order it. I think this would be a really good beer with a meal, like steak.

I wanted to get the Espresso Amber Ale from Peak Organic next, but the line was simply ridiculous. Very sad, but we could come back later. Or so I thought.

The line at Smuttynose seemed reasonable, so we ended up there and I got the Robust Porter. This thing WAS robust! I bet Kathryn would not have liked this one either. To me, it was like getting a kick in the tastebuds. Wake up, jerks! I liked it. And again, Smuttynose is fun to say.

We then went over to Northshire Brewery where I sampled the Battenkill Ale. This was another brown ale, but it was very light. There was also no real aftertaste or "stickiness" when you drink it. I thought it was pretty good. I also ended up getting my pint glass from this place because I liked the font.

Madison Brewing Company had their stand next door, so we figured we might as well go there next. I chose the Wee Heavy, which was. . . something. It was really weird. I did not particularly care for it. The tap had a funny looking fat guy on it though, so at least I got a laugh out of it.

We continued along the row of tents to Jasper Murdock's Ale House, where I was super excited to try the Whistling Pig. Alas, there was none to be had. They must have run out during one of the previous sessions, so I had to go with the Fuggle & Barleycorn, which was not especially good. I was very disappointed with the whole thing. Thanks a lot, jerks.

Finally, we found McNeill's for what turned out to be the final beer of the night. I chose the Firehouse Amber Ale, which was awesome. It was similar to a #9, which is great. I think it would qualify as my favorite beer of the night.

Sadly, at this point we got in line at Peak Organic as the angry clouds began to roll in. Just as we got under the tent, which would put us in the first few people in line, the organizers came around telling everyone to stop pouring beers. Apparently it's not safe to have thousands of people outside drinking when there is lightning hurtling down from the sky. Who knew. We made our way back to the parking lot and took our new stuff, shirts, and beer opinions back to Motel 6 to call it a night. All things considered, I enjoyed the festival. I am waiting for them to open up registration for next year's festival so that I can book a closer hotel.

Oh yeah, those "urinals" inside the port-a-potties? What's up with those? They seem like far more of a challenge than I could possible see myself attempting.

-Jon

The Quest for a Puppy Pool

With Jon and Kathryn departing for the Burlington brewer's festival, or something of that nature, it meant that I was left in charge of Monster and Stupid Ho. (You may know them as Odin and Chloe.) For the first couple hours it was really easy. Apparently neither of these things respond well to their Mother and "Uncle" Jon leaving as they sat on the back of the couch looking for them to come back . . . for 3 hours. I played Grand Theft Auto. Early Forecast: easiest money I've ever made.

After a while mowing down hookers and shooting police officers got a little boring, so I went back to playing video games. Just kidding. I decided I was going to find Odin a puppy pool because maybe he would stop being a huge douche to Chloe for a while if he could splash around. So I went over to Toys R Us. That store must be under renovation or something because most of the tiles had been ripped up and half the store was empty. It was like being in a Circuit City when they were going out of business. I was pretty confused. I wandered around like Jon in Homegoods for a while before finding out the only pools they had were bigger than my car. Also, there was a kid screaming the entire time. So that was cool. Somehow the new ghetto Toys R Us was still only the third trashiest place I went to.

Undeterred by failure I walked over to Petco because I've heard rumors that it's where the pets go. However, if they want a puppy pool they do not go there. Upon leaving the store I looked up at the sign and it says, "Petco: Supplies and Fish." That just seems weird to me.

More determined than ever I decided to brace myself and head over to Ocean State NoJobLot which I will always refer to as East Coast Marketplace. Despite wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a Red Sox t-shirt, I still feel like I was wearing the most expensive things in the store. They didn't have a puppy pool either which I feel is bullshit but I did grab a couple six packs of Polar soda for $1 each. Jackpot. I felt like paying with my debit card to really feel like a winner but I opted for cash instead.

Now normally this much trying/failing would cause me to give up, but I had promised that little shithead a puppy pool. I moved on over to Leslie's Pool Supply. Is that the right name? I feel like it isn't but that's what I'm going to call it. The guy there told me they didn't have any even after I made up an adorable story about getting it for my nephew. Why did I lie? I have absolutely no idea. But if this blog stands for one thing it's accuracy. So you and I know it happened.

Faced with diminishing options I decided that my last alternative would be the dreaded Saturday afternoon trip to Wal-Mart. Ugh. Unfortunately I forgot my Wal-Mart bingo card because I'm fairly confident I would have filled the card. Guy with an camo vest? Yup. Girl that has to be younger than me with three kids? Yup. I even saw the seldom seen bonus, "Woman with lazy eye who smelled like chili." You can say I'm making it up, but I know she was real. Wal-Mart didn't have them either which I think is weird because it seems right up their white-trash alley. Also, at no point during my Wal-Mart trip was I confident I was going to make it back alive because people treat that parking lot like it's the Daytona Fucking Speedway. Holy shit. 45 in a parking lot is probably too fast.

Sweaty and angry I decided that I would grab a Dunkin Donuts Coolata because as that old Loreal ad campaign suggests, I'm worth it. I went with French Vanilla and it was delicious.

So while the Quest for the Puppy Pool was a failure I've obtained the valuable information that they're available at K-Mart. Check back for the thrilling conclusion. Also, you'll find out whether or not I've murdered Odin.

-Slick

The World Cup: Final Thoughts

Not having a TV in France meant that I missed most of the knockout stage action. When I left, there were 16 teams still in contention. When I got back, only Uruguay, Netherlands, Germany and Spain were still kicking around. I assume I missed a lot of awesomeness, along with a whole bunch of people falling down for no reason. It's sort of like the Festa.

Andrés Iniesta goes down easier than the sluttiest girl you know. It looks like he's playing soccer blindfolded on ice out there. My brothers claim he only played like that in the 2 Spain games that I watched and didn't fall down every other play, but I didn't see it so I have to assume it didn't happen. Stay on your feet! You look like Derek Fisher out there.

I wanted the Netherlands to win the final, and they didn't, which means they got hosed by the refs. English Ed Hochuli really let this one get out of hand. Actually, I don't know if he really did a bad job, but I think the Netherlands should have one. They didn't play better, but they had cooler uniforms. That should count for something. In the few times that I play FIFA games, I base my entire uniform pick on the awesomeness of the colors. It's sort of like Mario Party; after the game, extra points are awarded at random.

In 4 years, the World Cup will be in Brazil. That means I can watch the games at a more normal time. Right now, I can't tell if that is going to be a good thing or not. I kind of like waking up and watching soccer. This will have to be addressed in 2014, which will probably be somewhere around post 562.

Are there vuvuzelas in Brazil? I can't deal with another World Cup of people whining about them. Nothing any sportswriter says is going to make hundreds of thousands of people give up their noisy plastic tubes. Especially if it's Rick Reilly.

-Jon

And One I Forgot

Those Kia Soul commercials where the characters are all hamsters? Just awful. What the hell is going on here? The hamsters seem to be implying that my options are to drive a Kia or to drive some kind of appliance. There are hamsters driving in toasters and washing machines and a few just running with a cardboard cutout. And all the hamsters are like bad stereotypes of black people. Way to go, Kia, you just cut your potential buyer pool by being racist jackoffs. This is the type of commercial that makes me want to be sure I never buy the product. That has to be the opposite of what a commercial is designed to do.

-Jon

The Return of Commercial Hatred!

It's been a while since we've hated on commercials here, so let's bring that back. I will only be dishing out the hate here, and not offering any improvements. For one, these things are just terrible and can't be improved without completely overhauling the entire thing. For the other, I just feel like being negative today. This also could be titled "Companies I Will Not Be Utilizing Until They Change Their Advertising Campaigns," except that that particular title would not fit nicely at the top of the post.

Sullivan Tire

I can't figure these things out. They've got Dustin Pedroia doing various baseball-related activities, and then that crazy looking guy (probably Mr Sullivan) comes on and the whole thing goes to hell. I am not exactly sure if this is the wording, but the commercials always go something like this: "It takes determination to succeed on the diamond. At Sullivan Tire, we'll get you the tires you need to get where you're going." Uh, what? What kind of ridiculous non-sequitor is that? It sounds like something from that Ray Romano Sportscenter skit. And I always say, you gotta get to White Castle before the weirdos show up. Yeah, that's equally nonsensical. Except that I didn't pay someone thousands of dollars to put it on television.

Six Flags

Specifically the ones that have the "old" guy and now apparently his midget clone. Apparently flags are a rating system for how fun things are, and the commercials compare various activities with going to Six Flags, but they always compare stupid things. Making birdhouses? Camping? Everything is more fun than camping! If I had to choose between going camping and having pugs stomp on my nuts for a couple hours, it would be a very difficult decision. They should compare Six Flags to actually doing something fun. Going to Six Flags is a fun rating of six flags? Then going out drinking with my friends is like 11 flags. Playing the new Mario Galaxy is like 9 flags. Sitting around doing nothing is probably at least 5. Then, to make matters worse, they start playing that awful Vengaboys song. That song is from 1998. And it wasn't even good then. And unlike wine or cheese or scotch, time has not improved it. Until that bald jackass and that song are gone, I am boycotting this place. Let's see if it can survive without my $42.99.

Corona

These commercials are hit or miss. There are some decent ones, like the one where the guy changes the time for happy hour from 5-8 to 5-infinity (yay math humour!) or the ones where it looks like the Corona bottles have a hammock between them but the camera pans out and it is actually palm trees. I am not referring to these ones. What I am referring to are the new trio of commercials which appear to be a series. It's a guy and presumably his wife or girlfriend sitting on the beach drinking Coronas and various people walk by. These commercials are bullshit. When an attractive girl walks by, the guy checks her out (hey, it's hardwired into our DNA) and the girl squirts him in the face with a lime. When what I have to assume is an attractive guy walks by, the girl checks him out and the guy has to open a shaken up beer. When a group of attractive girls walk by, the guy checks them out and then apparently has to squirt himself in the face with a lime. So let me get this straight: if a guy checks out a girl, he gets squirted in the face, but if a girl checks out a guy, the guy has to open a beer that is definitely going to explode? That's bullshit. If I'm that guy, I'm going to tell the bitch with me to fuck off and then find a new, non-citrus-assaulting girl. Clearly there are an abundance of ladies around. There's a decent chance that at least one of them is not a bitch.

And that will do it for this episode. Clearly this is a very deep well, and we'll be returning to it from time to time.

-Jon

Fantasy Novel Wrap-up

In case you were wondering about the epic dropoff in Mmmm, Opinions at the end of June, you should probably know that I was on vacation in France and therefore not really interested in trying to write posts on my phone. What you may not know is that the main focus of this particular France trip (and its predecessor in 2008) is the following list: drinking wine, eating, swimming in the Mediterranean, reading, and playing cards. Since I don't know a thing about wine (except that Bordeaux kicks me in the ass), I will be reviewing the multitude of books I read over the 9 days I spent on the lovely shores of southern France.

Also, they are all in the fantasy genre and they all are apparently the first books in their respective series, a fact I wish I had known going in. I guess it might pay off to actually judge a book by its cover once in a while. You know, or at least read the cover.

There will probably be spoilers in here, because that's how I get down.

The Warded Man by Peter V. Brett -

The main idea in this book is that once it's dark out, evil monsters called "corelings" come out of the ground and start fucking everyone's shit up. The only way to stay safe is to carve special symbols (the wards) into the houses or city walls or into specially set up poles to form a sort of bubble. If you screw up, the corelings come in and pretty much slaughter everyone around. Probably a good reason to double-check your work.

The story centers around 3 people who start off not knowing each other but eventually become intertwined in their struggle against the corelings. There's Arlen, whose mother was killed by corelings while his father was too scared to do anything. He eventually becomes the titular "Warded Man." Next is Leesha, a girl whose promised husband turns out to be a major douchebag so she becomes a healer ("Herb Gatherer" in the book) instead, only to find out that these Herb Gatherers have lots of coreling-killing secrets. Hot diggity dog! Finally there's Rojer, an orphan whose parents are killed by corelings in an attack that also results in his losing a few fingers and his being raised by a Jongleur, which is a fancy entertainer. Rojer learns that his kick-ass fiddling skills actually have a sort of control over the corelings, which means he's a valuable dude. At the end of the book, the three of them end up in the same place at the same time, and it's implied that they will be adventuring off together in the next book.

This is one of the first fantasy books I've read where there really isn't a gray area. People = good, corelings = bad. Not a whole lot of intrigue going on here. I kind of like it. There are still some plot twists, so it's not boring, but I don't have to read about all sorts of Machiavellian schemes for 400 pages. The next book is The Desert Spear, so I'll be picking that up whenever it comes out in paperback.

The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch -

In a city that is clearly ripped from some place Italian, the world of criminals coexist peacefully with the nobles and city watch as long as they follow the "Secret Peace," which means they can rob all the merchants they want but have to stay away from any nobility and any watchmen. The only problem is that Locke doesn't really care for the rules, and that someone else wants to shatter the Secret Peace and kill off the nobility. Uh oh.

This book is a somewhat short story mixed with a bunch of flashbacks to explain how Locke and his band of "brothers" got to where they are. It was very entertaining, and finishes off one story before letting you know there could be a next one. It's a bit like the first Matrix or Pirates of the Caribbean movie, where they could actually stand alone instead of being obvious stepping stones in a trilogy. It also didn't end with me hanging, unlike The Name of the Wind (which was awesome, except that now I want the next book and it isn't coming out until at least 2011. Drat.), so I can feel like I finished something. Hooray for that feeling of accomplishment.

I liked the book a lot. I actually had to keep reading even when I was really sleepy like I was some kind of addict. I am pretty excited about the sequel, since I have to assume it will be equally well written.

The Red Wolf Conspiracy by Robert V. S. Redick -

A giant boat (it's like a floating city. . . with cannons!) is supposed to be carrying the ambassador's daughter to her wedding with a noble of her country's long-time enemy, with the idea that this will result in peace. The only problem is that the boat is actually carrying tons of soldiers and an evil mage who's planning to use the wedding as a distraction while they absolutely annihilate the enemy country and probably pillage it and stuff. The only one who can stop it is. . . well, I don't know yet. The first book ended on kind of a cliffhanger.

I am pretty sure the main good guys are a shipboy named Pazel, the ambassador's daughter Thasha, a tiny warrior clan woman named Diadrelu (they are like a foot tall or less), a sneaky guy named Hercól who was supposed to be dead but wasn't really, and Pazel's friend Neeps, which is short for something that I forgot. They also have a mage working with them, except that he's actually from a different world and has less power when he travels to their world. And also he takes the form of a ferret. I think a magical ferret would probably be one of the most awesome things ever! With that lineup, how can they lose?

The book was ok. There was a lot of stuff happening on ships, and I know pretty much nothing about ships or boats or dinghies or anything. I need some kind of ship diagram so I can figure out what's going on with the different terminology. Other than that, the rest of what was going on what pretty cool. Poor Pazel has possibly the worst luck in the entire world. That kid just can't catch a break. But he's got some secret magic powers, so he'll probably end up ok. The next book isn't coming out in paperback until after Christmas, and that means that I've got a while to learn about seafaring so I can better understand what's happening.

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin -

Some girl whose grandfather is like the king of the world gets summoned to the capital city and finds out that she is now one of the potential heirs to his position along with two of her cousins. One cousin is a stupid bitch and the other is a drunken jackass. Also, the people who run the government have some kind of power over the gods or gods' children (who may also be gods) and that is probably important.

I can't get into this book. It's been over 100 pages and the writing style just annoys me. I think there's just something about the lack of coherence that bothers me. It's like reading one of my blog posts, except that is goes on for hundreds of pages. Grrrr! Get some consistency!!

This book is called "Book 1 of the Inheritance Trilogy," which means that there are at least 2 more books coming out that I won't be reading. Sorry, N.K.

And that wraps up most of what I read on vacation. I also read the 3rd book in The Long Price Quartet, but I didn't want to include it because it didn't fit in with the theme of the rest of this piece. I may do something after I finish all four of them, but don't count on it. I've got a lot of other things being cooked up in my brain right now, so you can get excited about those instead.

-Jon

Bring It Back #1

Here at Mmmm, Opinions, we're always trying to innovate and make things more exciting to read. Or we are severe sufferers of ADHD and can't keep to a single format. You can pick whichever you'd like because either way, I won't know. And no matter what you've picked, you are now about to experience a brand new addition to the site!

Bring It Back is a new feature where something that was already written about gets another look from a different contributor. Most likely it will be me doing the second opinion because I am always way behind on movies. Like a few years behind. Did you know that there's a sixth Rocky movie? Or a fourth Indiana Jones? Where have I been?

And even better news, besides the expansion of the Mmmm, Opinions repertoire? You get a double shot today. Try to calm down.

Spoiler alerts. This post contains spoilers because I am talking about a movie that came out a long time ago. I don't feel bad if either of the people who read this haven't seen the movie and have it ruined for them. You have been warned.

First up: The Book of Eli. You may want to go back and read Slick's work to familiarize yourself with what's going on. First of all, any movie that takes place in a post-apocalyptic world scores points with me. I don't know why, but I like that setting. This movie reminds me a lot of the game Fallout 3, which is also happening in a post-apocalyptic world but doesn't center on a dude with a book. It also has slightly more shooting and less stabbing.

Slick found this movie disappointing, but I found it average. I enjoyed it while it was on, but I doubt I would hype it to others. Slick did forget one of the important things that survives an apocalypse though: pimpin' shades. Everyone in this movie had sunglasses or goggles. Stock up now! They will make valuable bargaining chips when money is gone and bartering is the way to go.

Did this movie make sense? Fuck no! Eli is fucking blind!! How the fuck can he figure out which way is west? How the fuck can he shoot people with such astounding accuracy? Not even Daredevil (horrible movie by the way) has superhuman senses like that. Also, Jackie from That 70s Show is definitely going to die on her way back to her mom. Just because Eli was the world's nastiest blind knife fighter doesn't mean that she's going to inherit his skills just by picking up his knife after Eli dies. That's not how things work. First fight she gets in, I bet she cuts herself and dies from infection. Now, was the movie entertaining? Yes. The fight scenes were pretty cool, and there were things exploding. I would watch it again knowing that Eli is blind and point out every instance where I think it's bullshit. That might be a fun game.

Overall: it's worth a watch, but only at a low price. Like free, which is what I paid to watch it on the plane.

Next, we have Sherlock Holmes. The new one with Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law and that girl from Wedding Crashers and The Notebook. Again, this has been discussed before, here and also here. Go back and get your read on.

Done? Good.

I liked it. People got punched, the plot was actually pretty coherent, and British accents (or possibly fake British accents) make everything better. I've only read one Sherlock Holmes book (The Hound of the Baskervilles), but I read it twice I think. Hey, the middle school library wasn't exactly full back in the mid-90s. Unfortunately, I can't remember anything about it, so I'm not sure if Holmes was a semi-douche in the books. He certainly was in the movie, which was cool. No one wants some smug know-it-all for the main character. We want bare-knuckle boxers who like fighting giant Frenchmen and jump out windows into the Thames and swordfight on top of an under-construction Tower Bridge. Hey, I told you there were spoilers in this post.

The only thing that was annoying is that, much like National Treasure: Book of Secrets, they clearly told you that a sequel is coming. There is no reason to put bullshit like this in your movies. When you have a budget over $100 million, the six months of commercials that will inevitably precede the next installment of your film series is more than enough warning that it's coming. They also did a cheesy thing where they referenced an even bigger criminal than the current antagonist at the end of the movie. Ooooh! Lord Blackwood was just some doofus and the big bad guy is Professor Moriarty, so we can make another half a billion with a sequel. Sort of how the first Christian Bale Batman movie doesn't have the Joker until he's mentioned in passing at the end. Ok, director, we get it: you know the history of your movie's main character. Well done, jerkoff, you've really impressed me.

Overall: definitely worth watching. Maybe even worth renting. That's pretty high praise from a guy who's unemployed.

I hope you've enjoyed the debut of Bring It Back. Stay tuned for more as I continue doing non-productive things this summer, like watching movies from several years ago.

-Jon