Stuck on You 2 aka The Bourne WMD Conspiracy aka The Green Zone is . . .

a decent movie starring that "Streisand," Matt Damon. It wasn't bad but I wouldn't consider it good. I believe I said something similar about Ninja Assassin but we both know I'm not going to go back and check. You're lucky I'm even writing this post. Well, lucky isn't the right word, but I'm not sure what word describes the feeling, "I need to kill some time, I'll go see what those rascals over at MMMMOpinions are up to. Oh, surprise surprise, Slick hasn't written anything in like 3 weeks. WHAT?!?!? A new poorly written, grammatically flawed semi-entertaining rant/post about something I have no interest in ever watching? SCORE!" I assume your inner monologue goes something like that. I stopped writing because I didn't think anyone actually liked reading my posts. I mean, I think they're awesome and super funny, but not everyone shares my points of view. Probably because I'm a douche. But whatever. If you guys want more posts then I shall do my best.

It's a movie review so just a quick refresher on how it will proceed: I'll give you a numerical score based on how many I would be able to drink consecutively without throwing up. No wait, that's Jon's beer rating system. My system has the 4 question and the 1-5 rating. Question 1: Would I watch this movie again? No, once was definitely enough. It wasn't a terrible movie, but there's just not enough there to make me ever want to come back and watch it again. Question 2: Would I have been mad had I seen this movie in theaters? Yeah, but I get pretty mad about a lot of stuff. This movie was certainly not theater worthy. I feel bad for you if you saw it in theaters. Question 3: Does this movie make sense? Yes, no, I don't know; I don't give a shit. Does it make sense that Jason Bourne figured everything out but no one else could? Why can't movies be better? "Well it's probably because you're so fucking judgmental" . . . Question 4: Was this movie predictable? Yeah. My main problem with this and every other movie is that no one wants to take a risk and make something new so everything that comes out is a bunch of generic predictable bullshit.

Ranking: another level 3: If you have nothing better to do. I can't go lower or higher than 3.

Speaking of movies that took a risk. I saw the Human Centipede: First Sequence this week. Fantastic movie. Really one of the best movies I've ever seen. Just phenomenal acting, great camera work. A top notch movie all around. At this point you should have realized I'm joking. I would spend another paragraph talking about it, but you should just go here and watch Daniel Tosh talk about it (but only if you have 24 minutes. That's not a typo.) It's hysterical.

I believe it's the second video. Jon should have taken care of that link for you. It would probably be easier if I learned how to do it, but that sounds like too much effort.

-Slick

Pumpkin Beer Breakdown

Warning - this post is going to be extremely long. I get super excited when I'm writing about beer and tend to be long-winded. Don't say I didn't tell you ahead of time.

Now that fall has rolled around*, it's time for one of the most exciting beer-related events of the year: pumpkin beers! If you don't like pumpkin beers, you will probably not enjoy the following post, so you may want to move on. There may be funny stuff though, so you'll miss out on that. Eh, just read it. It's not like you have anything better to do.

I may be wrong (which happens with alarming frequency), but it seems like there are more and more pumpkin beers every year. In an effort to educate the masses, and also to keep you from having crappy pumpkin beer in your fridge if I am at your house, I have taken it upon myself to try as many of these beers as I can. I realize that this may be a hardship for my liver, but my readers are worth it. You can thank me later. With beer.

And now, in no particular order, here are your pumpkin contenders. I like making up ridiculous rating systems, so each beer will be rated based on the number of 12-oz bottles I think I could drink consecutively of each variety before I throw up, pass out or just plain get sick of them.

Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

Well, this one is news to me. I didn't realize that Sam Adams even had a pumpkin variety. Probably because this is the first year, so I can't be blamed for my ignorance. I am not sure that it's even in its own pack yet, because I've only gotten it in their Harvest Mix-Pack. Side note - why do the Sam Adams mix-packs always have either one or two garbage beers in them? Like the Harvest mix-pack. What is Dunkelweizen doing in there? It tastes like feet!! Ok, side note over.

I was pleasantly surprised by this beer. It has a super pumpkiny smell (there needs to be an adjective for that, so "pumpkiny" is the one I'll be using), but it's not overpoweringly pumpkiny tasting. I actually let it warm up a little, and that made it taste a little better. There's probably a beer-related explanation for that, but you aren't going to get it here. Maybe when Mmmm, Beer launches I'll go into more detail about the beers. Anyway, if you're making your first foray into pumpkin beers, this is not a bad starting point. Beer rating: 7. Let's get a little silly, but then we should probably change over to something else.

Shipyard Smashed Pumpkin

This is a special beer from Shipyard that comes in a fancy bottle with some guy's signature on it. It might be a seasonal beer, but I'm not sure because Kathryn got me a bottle of it about a month ago. Is that even pumpkin season? Do pumpkins grow in Maine? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Smashed Pumpkin has a very different pumpkin flavor. It tastes more sweet, like a pumpkin pie. Be careful though, because this stuff is like 9.0% ABV, which is enough to kick your ass if you aren't paying attention. I would call this beer a dessert beer, although I'm sure that means something completely different in beer-snob circles. If you aren't into sweet beers, you probably aren't going to like this one. I still think it's worth a taste though. Maybe you'll find it's right up your alley. How am I supposed to know? Oh, PS - this beer seems to only come in 22-oz bottles. I am still giving my rating in 12-oz bottles. Beer rating: 3. The sweetness is a bit cloying. Maybe we'll finish the night off with some of this, but we aren't drinking it all night.

Blue Moon Harvest Moon

You being serious right now? Haven't I made my opinion on Blue Moon quite clear at this point? Fine, let's do this again. If you drink this beer, I hate you. If you have this beer at your house and invite me over, I'm going to show up, see it, then leave. If you bring this beer to my house, you're not coming in. You can go sit in your car and wait for me to dump out one of your beers and throw the bottle at your windshield. Don't disrespect my house like that. Beer rating: 0. I'd rather be sober than drink this piss.

Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale

This beer is a dirty liar. When you pop the top and take a sniff, it smells delightfully pumpkiny. Then you take a sip, and it's like getting punched in the ear. What happened to all that pumpkiny goodness!? It's gone, and all that's left is a flavor like crappy Bud Light with a hint of pumpkin. You betrayed me, Jack.

I suppose that if I had been more careful, I would not have been surprised since this beer comes from Anheuser-Busch. I really have to lower my expectations for their silliness. Beer rating: 1. I would drink one just so I can appreciate other, good beers more. Then I'd try to trick other people into drinking the rest.

Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale

Now we're talking. For sheer amount of pumpkiny taste, this is the beer to get. It has come to my attention that the pumpkin flavor in this beer is artificially done, but I don't really care. If you're a beer purist, then that might concern you, but my guess is that you're the type of person who gets wasted on Bud Light a couple times a year and couldn't care less about quality.

I love this beer. The first day it comes out in package stores every year is like a mini-Christmas for me. And when it's gone from stores every year, it feels like. . . I don't know, some crappy holiday. Flag Day maybe? However, the first day it's gone, my liver celebrates like it's Independence Day, throwing off the oppressive shackles of the previous two months' workload. Kathryn told me that she just picked up a 12-pack yesterday, which means that I'm definitely getting at least 7 of those. Even just writing that down makes me smile. Beer rating: 12, based on my current tolerance. The real rating is however many beers I'm currently able to drink.

Buffalo Bill's Pumpkin Ale

Oh boy, this beer has an exciting name! A funny name will always trump a boring one if I'm undecided about what to buy. If you ever open a brewery, you should consult me before you start naming your beers. Actually, you should let me work for you. Working in a brewery would probably be awesome. And if it sucked, at least I could get drunk at work, which would make it more tolerable.

This beer blows. Sadly, a neat name can't make up for low quality beer. I can't tell what is not great about it, but it's just not that good. It doesn't smell as pumpkiny as the others, and it doesn't taste very pumpkiny at all. I feel like those are important qualities for a pumpkin beer to have. Now I have to figure out a way to get other people to drink the rest of these. Haha, just kidding. . . . Beer rating: 2. I would drink a second one just to figure out what's going on here.

Post Road Pumpkin Ale

This beer is actually from Brooklyn Brewery, but they keep that on the DL, just like the big American companies do with their fake micro-brews. I don't really get it in this case, since Brooklyn Brewery is pretty much a micro-brewery as is, but hey, whatever.

This has to be the most carbonated of all the pumpkin beers I've had, although I have one more to try. I just don't want to have to come back and edit this section, so I'm being lazy. It's also a lot hoppier than the other ones. That second thing is going to be hit or miss with everyone since everyone has their own feelings on how hoppy beer should be. It doesn't bother me though. I think I would actually like this beer more if it wasn't a pumpkin beer. There's a slight pumpkin aroma, but it's just barely there. It's got a nice pumpkiny aftertaste though, which I feel is more important than the smell. Beer rating: 5. I'll start drinking, and then you can come over and we'll drink the last 2 beers together.

Southampton Publick House Pumpkin Ale

Why is there a "k" up there? That's ridiculous. Maybe I'll start throwing extra letters into words just to make things silly. You're already starting in the hole here, SPHPA.

This is another beer with a light pumpkin smell. It has a stronger pumpkin taste than expected though, with a hint of something else that I can't quite put my finger on. Cinnamon? Nutmeg? Marjoram? Seriously, what is marjoram? I might get some and start throwing it into my cooking just to solve this mystery. Sorry, got a little sidetracked there. Those spices are tricky little bastards. Anyway, this is a pretty good beer. I think you should try it. Also, the beer rating on this one is fixed based on previous ratings. I really need to stop using rating systems. Beer rating: 6. I would drink more of these than the last one, but not as many as that Sam Adams beer.

And now we conclude another massive post that has spanned multiple days of "research." I think that I may now use the word "research" when I really mean that I'm going out drinking. I was going to give a final thought about pumpkin beers here, but now I don't feel like doing it, and also I forgot what I was going to type. Um, so pretty much it comes down to this: if my birthday was in September, you would be buying me Pumpkinhead for my birthday. Since it's not, I guess I'll have to buy 8 cases next weekend. Hopefully I'll sober up for the Festa though, as I have a lot of research to do there.

-Jon

*I realize it's not fall, but I am not in charge of the beer schedule. You probably also noticed that Sam Summer came out on April 1st, which is not summer by any stretch of the imagination. You may have also seen Octoberfest/Oktoberfest beers out, even though it isn't September yet.** Beers apparently come out whenever they feel like it, regardless of how ridiculous it seems.

**I know the name is Oktoberfest, but it starts in September every year. Read a fucking book for once.

The Worst Commercials on Television

It's been a while since big Slick brewed up a fresh batch of commercial haterade, but have no fear; this week I've seen the trifecta of shitty ass commercials. Right to the hatred. Those swears aren't going to write themselves.

The Shake Weight: One of the most baffling commercials in the history of mankind. The commercial claims that in only six minutes a day you can get ripped like your on some sort of hgh. The only problem is that every guy, ever, in the history of mankind already uses a shake weight six minutes a day and most of them are fat slobs. Get it? It's because the shake weight makes it look like you're giving yourself the "low five." Back when the shake weight for women came out there was a video from either Funnyordie or Collegehumor or some website like that that redubbed the commercial to say, "It's like j-ing off d after d." I can't believe that no one in product development or market research or advertising or really anybody associated with the product wasn't like, "Ummmmmm yeah but it looks a lot like masturbating." I'm gonna have to guess that there were no men involved or they just thought it was funny. Heh heh. Masturbation.

The New Snuggie Commercial: In a very close second for Slick's Worst Commercial on Television is the snuggie remix. The snuggie is a robe that you wear backwards but looks twice as retarded. I don't really remember how this new commercial goes because I've tried to block it from my memory, but I believe it's the "Macarena" remixed with horrible, horrible, really just god awful snuggie lyrics. I saw a person wearing a snuggie once and I immediately lost all respect for that person but since I'm apparently as old as Kathryn my memory is starting to go and I can't remember who it was. I have to assume my brain was so horrified by what I saw that I instantaneously repressed that memory. The snuggie incident and that time that "Uncle Carlos" stayed at our house . . . wait a minute . . . Uncle Carlos? That doesn't sound right. But really, these people go outside in a snuggie? Wear a sweatshirt, wear a fucking jacket, basically wear anything but if I see you wear a snuggie I'm going to punch you in the man/lady balls (depending on gender) and then run away. Seriously, I will hurt you. All 9 of you have been warned.

The Quizno's 5-4-3 Cat Commercials: Chances are that if you've talked to me for more than 20 seconds at some point I've talked about how much I hate cats. I feel like my passionate but well-deserved hatred of cats is a real conversation piece. I hate cats. The worst dog is still better than the best cat. I can't stand cats. I don't like them. I don't trust them. Any animal that doesn't get excited when you come home is not a pet. Also, I have yet to meet a nice cat. "Oh but my cat is so sweet" . . . blah, blah, blah. Your cat sucks. Deal with it. This piece of shit is set to the tune of "Three Blind Mice" but it's sung in a super annoying voice and it doesn't rhyme. If you're lucky Jon turned this into a link for you so you should go watch it and see how bad it is. I have to guess that they picked the three blind mice tune and then tried to put words to it before deciding, "Yeah it doesn't rhyme but fuck it. That's the commercial. Dance monkeys. Eat our delicious delicious subs." This commercial is bad enough that I would consider never eating Quizno's again and I fucking love that place. You know what would have made that commercial better? Puppies . . . and less annoying voices . . . and getting rid of the commercial entirely.

I'm not very happy with this post. Maybe I'll rewrite it and post it again. But probably not. Hopefully my next one about the Green Zone will be better.

-Slick

What Every Sportswriter Knows. . .

about Tiger Woods but is apparently afraid to put into print. And I'm tired of seeing articles discussing when he'll return to his old form. Someone sac up and put the truth on the page!

Tiger Woods was pretty much the dominant figure in golf starting around 1997 up until recently. He was more of a golf-cyborg than a human being, and appeared to only have the limited emotional abilities of joy (shown through his vigorous fist-pumping celebrations) and rage (shown through his hatred of various golf clubs). He won all sorts of championships, and the question changed from "will he break the all-time wins record?" to "how much will he break the record by?" He was pretty much unstoppable. Once the red shirt came out on Sunday, everyone assumed he would win.

Then it stopped.

All of the sudden, Tiger was missing cuts, which was unthinkable. People blamed his knee injury and the recovery from surgery, and there were all sorts of elaborate computerized explanations of how much torque he generated before the surgery and how his new knee couldn't take it. There was talk about how the time away from the tour threw him off his game. Then there was talk about how his marital problems were to blame.

It's actually none of these things.

Tiger's problem is that he no longer is able to bang anything with a vagina like he was doing during his success. Think about it. He was either hooking up with random tail (driving a Ho-Runner if you will), or he was at home poking Elin Nordstrom or Northface or whatever her name was. This guy had to be by far the most relaxed player on the tour. His stress levels were probably hovering around "none" for every round. As long as he didn't do something stupid, like text one of his special ladies and then leave the phone where his wife could find it, he was golden. Then he did exactly that and got 9-ironed off his dome.

Then the floodgates opened. It wasn't just that one random ho that he had on the side. It was 3. Then it was 8. Then it was 12. And there's probably tons more that were on the list but couldn't definitively prove it. Now Tiger was under the microscope and having his every move watched. That meant no more random skanks, and definitely no more lovin' from his actual wife. And that meant that Tiger was constantly jacked up (going out with a loaded gun, to steal a phrase from There's Something About Mary) and lost his advantage. Plus no more sexting, which he obviously loved.

What this comes down to is that people have two choices. If they want Tiger to be a decent person, then they'll have to be satisfied with the fact that it turns out he's not going to win every tournament every time. Or, if they want the old, dominant Tiger, they're going to have to accept the fact that he's a man-whore. The Wilt Chamberlain of golf if you will. But they can't have it both ways. As long as he's being over-scrutinized, he's not going to be the golf machine from the late 90s and most of the 2000s. He needs time to unwind just like everyone else; it's just that he also needs hundreds of different women to do it. Hey, he's got enough money and he's not breaking the law. Leave the man alone.

So there the real story. Too bad no one who writes about sports for a living can tell it. At least now you can ignore all the ESPN stories about golf and read the real ones about actual sports.

-Jon

Capt'n Eli's Rootbeer is . . .

without a doubt the most baffling name for a root beer that I've ever heard. Maybe you've heard of something sillier and I whole-heartedly invite you to let me know. With my quest for a puppy pool thwarted, I need a new quest in my life. Oh that's right; you know what's coming. It's MMMMRootBeer. (Is anyone tired of these MMMM jokes yet? Oh wait, that would be a good blog. Keep and eye out for the debut of MMMMjokes. I think it's somewhere on the list between MMMMCheese and MMMMStories. MMMM) Without any more of my usual much ado about nothing, I'll get right into the story and then leave like 3 sentences for the actual opinion.

Chuck came over yesterday to hi-jack our kitchen table and told us that he and mom were going up to Northampton to see Mia and her boyfriend's art exhibit and that afterward they'd be going to East Side Grill for dinner. Now since Mia, Northampton, and Art are my 3 least favorite things ever it was a really tough decision. (It was a joke. Everyone settle down. How could you not like Northampton?) I decided to go because the alternative was making something for myself to eat. To Northampton.

The art exhibition was pretty cool but there's only so long you can look at art so we walked over to Paradise City for a beer. I was under the impression that this was where the "girls are pretty" but it's actually the place where the girls play barbies. Did I use that expression right? I don't give a shit. Either way, I tried the beer that Jon had. It was like the Intimidation Ale or some other intimidating name. It was super hoppy. I didn't care for it. The spinach and artichoke dip however, was fantastic. Mom called it the best spinach and artichoke dip she's ever had. Look for her new blog . . . I'm just kidding. Mom doesn't know how the internet works.

Alright, we left Paradise City in order to make our reservation at East Side. I had the Seafood Risotto. It was pretty good but I think you're better off getting something else. Matt had the Blackened Scallops and Sirloin again, so I'm recommending that. This is of course, where the post comes from. Jon and I ordered some of Capt'n Ei's Root Beer for dinner. This is one of the best smelling root beers I've ever had. It smelled like a bowl of root beer barrel candy. It tasted pretty good but had the unusal quality of getting better the longer our meal went. I would get it again. If you like root beer, and you should because it's the best soda available, then you should try it.

If you're like me, and god help you if you are, then you were fascinated by the spelling. Capt'n. I was hoping it was "Cap'n", you know, like the cereal admiral. I decided to do the only amount of research allowed here, so I headed over to wikipedia. Apparently, Capt'n Eli is bottled by the Shipyard Brewing Company, and since we're nearing the end of the summer that can mean only one thing. It's almost time for Shipyard Pumpkinhead.

Score.

-Slick

[Editor's Note: The name of the beer was actually the Investigation Shutdown Ale. Still pretty intimidating.]

Ninja Assasin is . . .

a decent action movie. But we'll get to that shortly. Having been chastised by certain members of my family for not writing anything, I decided I would dust off the old keyboard and give this blogging thing another go 'round. Also they were very mean about my writing style. I forget exactly what they said but I believe the words "stale" and "predictable" were thrown out. Look for their new blog: "MMMMCriticsmsOfMMMMOpinions". It will also feature guest editorials by devoted MMMMOpinion reader and soon-to-be mother of twins "Melissa." Yes, the same Melissa who provided the tip that lead (led? I have no idea) to the acquisition of the Puppy Pool. Readers of the world famous MMMMBurgers of course already know this. Yeah, Jon blew up my spot and got a puppy pool despite all of my hard work. That's some straight pug crap right there. Maybe I can get Odin to leave a fresh steaming pile of personality on Jon's pillows. So, to get back to one of my original points, don't expect this post to be the profanity-laced rant you're used to. Mostly because I don't really have anything bad to say about Ninja Assassin. I don't really have anything good to say either but we'll get to all that shortly. Man, that paragraph was likely a Lil' Wayne rap . . . poorly written and incoherent. But alas, I must go to trivia night so I will have to write the actual opinion when I return. My hands are already cramping up from all that writing.

We didn't win trivia because I suck. We did come in second. I suck.

Alright, so normally this is the part of my writing style where I finally get down to business and say something pretentious like, "It's a movie review so you know how it goes," except that it's been so long I sort of forget the structure I've settled on for now. Let's remind ourselves how these bad boys work in this week's breakdown. Apparently I have a 4 question system and then a cleverly nicknamed 1-5 rating. Without any more ado, let's finally get 'er done. Question 1: Would I watch this movie again? No, once was enough. Question 2: Would I have been mad if I had seen this movie in theaters? Yeah, probably. This movie wasn't bad but there's no way I would have been pleased if I had paid to see it. Question 3: Does this movie make sense? No. I'm going to "spoil" this movie because in all likelihood if you haven't seen it by now you have no intention of seeing it. I think the plot of this movie revolves around a guy (portrayed by Rain, Stephen Colbert's archnemesis) who was raised to be a, yup you guessed it, a Ninja Assassin. But then his fuck buddy is killed by his brother (I couldn't tell if it was his actual brother or like his ninja brother) and he's all like, "I'm not paying full price for this muffler" and decides to leave. Then the ninjas decided to kill some chick who works for Europol and Rain needs to save her because she has a special heart or some bullshit I didn't care about. Long story short, Rain kills like 65 ninjas on his quest for redemption which is just stupid. I don't care if he's the best ninja in the world, he can't kill them all when it's 20 on 1. And if I see another scene where some guy is woefully outnumbered but then fights his way one guy at a time I'm going to be pissed. Attacking him one at a time ruins your advantage when he's clearly a superior ninja. The movie ends with Europol invading their super secret ninja dojo and shooting up the place, which I have to question the legality of because I don't think they presented a search warrant. Fucking police always up in everyone's business. It was your typical action movie where there's not really a plot but they make up for it with lots of fight scenes. Question 4: Was this movie predictable? Yeah, at no point did I ever doubt that Rain and new butt buddy were going to survive.

Ranking: Level 3 - a classic "If you have nothing better to do." Don't expect to be wowed by this movie, but don't expect to be overly disappointed. Some decent fight scenes make this movie alright.

Let's see if we can't make this "blogging" a semi-regular occurrence.

-Slick

Massachusetts Roads By the Numbers

During my wild weekend of fun (detailed extensively by all my burger stories), I managed to drive on all 4 major highways in Massachusetts: 90, 91, 93 and 95. While there are other roads that people might consider important (290, 291, 395, 495, etc), they have more than 2 digits and are therefore not primary interstates. This means they are below the threshold for my forthcoming rage.

At this point in my life, I've driven on every Massachusetts mile of 90, 91 and 95, and enough of 93 to have a healthy hatred of it. Let the analysis begin!

90 - AKA the Mass Pike, this road goes from Boston all the way to Seattle. I have to drive on this stupid road all the time, and I always enjoy it thoroughly. . . . The best part is that since it's a toll road, you always have the possibility (probability?) that some idiot is going to end up in the Fast Lane without a transponder. It would seem that the brightly colored signs and multiple warnings about which lanes are Fast Lane only are not enough for some people. Stupid jerks. On the other hand, compared to the other highways in the state, this one's practically a picnic in the park. Rage rating? 3 angry faces out of 10.

91 - Want a lesson in how not to drive? Give the portion of this road running between the Massachusetts/Connecticut state border and Hartford a try. Do you know which lane is the fast lane in CT? Trick question! None of them!! Everyone in this state drives the same speed in every lane regardless of traffic or angry Massholes behind them. I would be willing to bet that whoever coined the term "Road Rage" moved to CT as an adult and lost their mind from having to drive near the capital. The MA part is pretty average, but if you have to go through the extensive reworking that's happening in the exits 9-13 range, good luck to you. On the other hand, the VT part of this road is lovely, mostly because there are almost no cars on it. Hell truly is other people. Rage rating? 4 angry faces out of 10.

93 - Hands down the winner for absolutely horrendous driving. I was stuck on this road that God forgot late one Saturday morning with nearly every other car in Massachusetts. It was stop-and-go for several miles on this forsaken stretch of asphalt, and I was able to witness more idiocy in 30 minutes than I usually get in weeks at a time. "Hmmm, I need to get off at Exit 6, and we just passed Exit 5. Maybe I'll stay in the furthest lane left until I see the 'Exit 1/4 Mile' sign and then jerk quickly across 3 lanes of traffic." That's some classic Massachusetts behavior right there. Or maybe the always-well-thought-out: "Well, my car is about 16 feet long, and those 2 cars are about 17 feet apart. Yeah, I can probably fit." I have heard that there are a lot of accidents on this road, especially in the tunnel. I am actually surprised that there aren't more. I've seen better drivers at the Perkins School for the Blind. Rage rating? 11 angry faces out of 10.

95 - This road has been under construction between exit 25 and roughly exit 32 for as long as I can remember. Possibly as long as I've been driving. If you like orange barrels, lane shifts and grooved pavement, this is the road for you. Also, part of it is called 128 to old-school eastern MA folks, and that just makes everything even more fun when you're trying to get directions. The nice thing about this road is that it's basically the opposite of CT 91; instead of crawling along at a snail's pace, everyone here drives absurdly high speeds, which means that you have your pick of how much you want to break the speed limit. I would say it ranges from 68mph (barely over the limit) to 95mph (wait, I thought that 95 was the speed limit, not the highway number?!?). This road is probably the epitome of MA driving ridiculousness, and why we can't go to other states and function normally. Rage rating? 6 angry faces out of 10.

So there you have it. Driving in this state sucks, and I hate everyone every time I have to get in a car. How much does it cost to have a chauffeur?

-Jon

Bring It Back #2

Here we are again with another installment of Bring It Back. Today I will be taking a second look at Zombieland starring some people. Just like last time, it may be a good idea to read the first opinion on it because I may refer to things in it. Or I might not. I never really know what direction these things are going to take once I start typing.

On that note, there may be spoilers here if you haven't seen the movie. Sorry dude.

As you can probably guess from the title, Zombieland is about a group of people dealing with a zombie apocalypse, except that this movie is mostly a comedy. In this case, it's four people who go by nicknames based on where they were heading. I think it's funnier if I give them nicknames of my own, so the characters are now: New Michael Cera (NMC), Woody, Jules and Little Miss Sunshine. Somehow NMC survives the initial zombie outbreak despite being a gigantic pussy, and wants to go back to his hometown to see if his parents are still alive even though they probably don't love him. Something like that anyways. They get sidetracked and all sorts of zombie-related shenanigans ensue and then there's a happy ending. Well, sort of happy. I mean, there's still like hundreds of thousands of zombies out there, if not millions. Yippee?

Like all zombie movies, this film raises a few questions. Why don't zombies eat each other? Aren't they just as delicious as regular people? And what are they going to do once they finally do eat the last human being? These zombies really need to start planning ahead and developing some skills other than yelling, snarling and lurching around. Maybe learn to farm or something. Those humans aren't a renewable resource, but tomatoes are!

Next question: why don't cars in zombie movies ever run out of gas? These people drove from like Texas to California in a Hummer. They should have been stopping every 15 minutes to fill up. If I were a zombie, I would be hiding at a gas station since delicious humans are bound to show up there eventually. Bet you wish they had developed some more fuel-efficient cars instead of zombie-causing drugs now, eh?

Third question: why are zombies such giant douchebags? They never even try to coexist with people. They just want to eat them. Maybe they could work out a deal where they get to eat people on death row or dying or something like that. That way there will always be another meal coming. But no, it's always eat now, plan later. You zombies are real assholes.

Final question: is regular Michael Cera pissed that NMC clearly ripped off his "acting" style? I put acting in quotes because I'm not convinced that Michael Cera is actually acting. I think he is just being himself, like Norm MacDonald. This new guy is just a bigger version of Michael Cera that actually weighs more than 98 lbs. I think a Hollywood throw-down is imminent.

Ok, so maybe I should talk about the movie a little. I thought NMC was an ok character, but the real star was Woody. That guy's just hilarious. He also really likes Twinkies, which I can relate to from my burger quest. I didn't really get the whole Bill Murray part, and since I am somewhat opinionated I will declare that it sucked. They should have taken that part out and put more zombie killing in. You can never get enough zombie killing. Jules and Little Miss Sunshine were alright, but they made some pretty terrible decisions. If they keep that kind of behavior up, they'll probably be dead before Zombieland 2. I wonder if it was weird for Jules to have worked with both Original Michael Cera and NMC. That would be a good question to have asked her if she was on a talk show.

Overall: it's a good film that I would probably enjoy seeing again as long as someone else was renting it. Or maybe like if someone else had Netflix or owned the DVD. I probably wouldn't want to pay for it myself though.

-Jon

Here Comes a New Challenger!!

Yup, I've used this title before, just not on this blog. I just feel like any time I can work a Street Fighter II reference into the conversation, I am doing it. Remember when I wrote about those burritos back in March? There's another one to throw into the mix.

Here's a quick rundown of the Spicy BBQ Chicken Burrito at Mesa Verde, along with where it would probably have ranked if I had eaten it several months ago. You'll probably have to reread that one (or read it for the first time if you're a jerk and haven't seen it already) for this one to be completely coherent. Actually, that still might not help.

Meat Volume

This burrito seems like it would be tied with Qdoba's effort. There was a lot of chicken, but there just wasn't nearly as much as I had in that Bueno burrito. For some reason, I still ended up feeling more full that I should have based on the amount of chicken in there. Touché, Mesa Verde.

BBQ Sauce

Mesa would be in second here. Their sauce is really good, it just doesn't compare to what Qdoba is putting on the table. I guess there is something to be said for giant corporations with all sorts of money to waste on perfecting their sauces. Mesa Verde has got the spiciness factor down cold though. If you go there and they ask if you want your burrito spicy, definitely say yes.

Rice

Eh. There wasn't really anything special going on with the rice here. It really wasn't the main focus at all. The majority of the burrito was chicken, cheese and beans, and really, that's the way it should be. Rice is pretty much just filler when you stop and think about it. Stupid rice.

Burrito Size

It's hard to remember, but I think that Mesa Verde had the smallest of the burritos. That makes how full am I feel even stranger. What kind of shenanigans are they pulling over there? The best comparison would probably be that the Qdoba and Mesa burritos are about the size of Kathryn's normal-sized head (Qdoba is slightly larger, but almost a negligible amount) while the Bueno version is more like my comically oversized head. Seriously, try buying me a hat.

Restaurant Proximity

This is a tough one here. If I am at Kathryn's house, then Mesa Verde wins by a mile. Well, actually it wins by several miles. The place is like a mile from her house. If I am at my own house... well, I am probably not getting a burrito. Which is really sad considering I continually forget that there is a Bueno within a 10 minute drive of my house. One of these days, I've got to get a CT scan to figure out why such important information does not remain in my brain.

Where would I rank the Mesa Verde burrito? Probably a very close second to the Bueno one. I think that this topic needs more research, which will obviously require more burrito consumption. Is Mmmm, Burritos possibly in the works? I guess you'll just have to wait and see.*

-Jon

*The wait's over. It's not happening. How many burritos a month do you think I eat?!?