Burrito vs. Burrito

Our main goal here at Mmmm, Opinions is to keep our reader(s?) entertained. The secondary goal is to try to use as many curse words as possible without diluting the message. There might also be a goal of trying to actually communicate an opinion somewhere in there, but that would definitely be a distant third. With these things in mind, I bring you a new feature: head-to-head battles. Maybe it will become a new thing.

First up: burrito vs. burrito. Think of it like Kramer vs. Kramer, except for the fact that the movie was about a custody battle (I think) and this is nothing like that at all besides the similarities in the titles. So maybe it's more like Alien vs. Predator? Did they fight each other for my love? Because that's what these burritos need to be accomplishing. Maybe I should start seeing the movies that I am using as reference points instead of assuming things about them.

On to the battle! Each battle will be broken into several categories (which is as many as it takes until I run out of ideas or get bored typing), followed by the winner being announced at the end. I am guessing that you are on the edge of your seat.

Qdoba's Ancho Chile BBQ Burrito vs. Bueno Y Sano's BBQ Chicken Burrito

Meat Volume

I am going to attempt to do this entire section without making any inappropriate remarks. I am not sure that it is possible.

The Ancho Chili Burrito had a decent amount of chicken on it. I would not say it was a huge amount of meat though. (Heh heh, that is dirty.) It was also kind of funny because the guy put chicken on the burrito even though Alex clearly said he wanted the chipotle pork at least twice, maybe 3 times. That guy was lucky that I was ordering the chicken version, or he would have wasted a burrito and presumably been beaten for it.

Now the Bueno y Sano burrito. . . that is a burrito. My first bite had no chicken, which made me mad. Until the 2nd bite. And all subsequent bites. Even down to the little weird fold thing at the end of the burrito. Chicken everywhere! It was like an entire bird was sacrificed to feed me.

Round 1: Bueno

BBQ Sauce

This one is not even a contest. The Bueno sauce was pretty good, but the Qdoba stuff was the stuff of legends. I wish I could have taken it, made a time machine, and put it on my burger. I would have then used the time machine for evil/selfish purposes.

Round 2: Qdoba

Rice

This one is a bit closer. The rice at Qdoba is some kind of crazy cilantro-lime rice. I bet Kathryn would like it, since I am pretty sure she is addicted to cilantro. It's also really good. The rice at Bueno is also good, but it does not have lime. Thus, because I am attempting to avoid scurvy, I've gotta give this round to the crazy spellers.

Round 3: Qdoba

Burrito Size

I am not sure what Taco Bell is up to, but their burritos are a farce. A burrito should be at least as large as 2 fists. Not girl fists either. I am talking like a Shaq fist. A good burrito size is one where you have to take a break at some point because your arms hurt from holding it up. Qdoba delivers in this department. I would be curious about the total weight of the burrito, but it was pretty huge. I am pretty sure my stomach is distended from eating it.

And then you have Bueno, which takes burrito size to a whole new level. That burrito was even bigger. I am not sure if a kidney is large, but I am guessing that mine are (due to their intense workloads) and this burrito was at least the size of my hypothetical kidney. And that wasn't even the largest one they offer. For like 50 cents more, you can get a "grande" burrito, which I have to guess is roughly the size of my giant head. I am too scared to even attempt this monstrosity while sober.

Round 4: Bueno

Restaurant Proximity

Obviously I am super selfish, so this category is entirely dominated by my location. Your mileage may vary. Also, a disclaimer: I used Mapquest. That may violate the no-research policy here, but as I am also one of the people in charge, I will waive the penalty.

The closest Qdoba is 43.80 miles away. I assume this is road distance and not as the crow flies. Meanwhile, Bueno has 3 locations within 2 towns, including one that is in Springfield that I just found out about. I am not sure why I didn't know this before, and I am incredibly disappointed in myself. There may be a new post about my own ineptitude in the near future.*

Round 5: Bueno

Winner

In the end, Bueno wins for 2 reasons: I can get there in less than 30 minutes, and I enjoy eating enormous burritos. Please come visit me in the hospital after I attempt the grande and my stomach explodes.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this edition of Thing vs. Thing. If you didn't that is ok too, because I really just like writing ridiculous shit and don't really care (see: The Cupcake Saga). Also, if you want to go get burritos, let me know. I am always down for some craziness.

-Jon

*- No there won't.