Oh You Silly Rappers...

You guys say the most ridiculous things.

There are lots of good rappers. Well, probably less now than there were back when I used to listen to more rap, but at least some of them probably don't suck. Mostly because I bet some of the guys I listened to before still rap. But sometimes, whether it's because they need to squeeze words into a particular rhyme scheme or just because they've got nothing else that works, they say things that are just ridiculous. And yeah, most of these are going to be old since all old music is better than all new music. It's just a rule of nature.

"I woke up out that coma 2001 / Bout the same time Dre dropped 2001" - The Game

First off, using the same word or phrase isn't really rhyming. But more importantly, the unfortunately titled album 2001 was actually released in November of 1999, whereas The Game (who apparently only goes by Game now) was in a coma in October of 2001. I would think that someone who claims to have so much respect for West Coast rap would be more aware of that fact.

"I'm sick, you couldn't measure my dick with six rulers." - Big Punisher

I'm not sure if Big Pun (may he rest in peace) if suggesting that he possesses a 6-foot wang, but that's just ridiculous. The logistics alone would be unmanageable. He'd need a completely custom wardrobe, although he might need that anyways being of the... overweight persuasion, not to mention that anytime he got "excited" he'd be risking an assault charge.

Hey, I'm all for ridiculous bravado and outrageous exaggerations, but this seems really uncomfortable.

"Fifty fear no man, warrior, swing swords like Conan." - 50 Cent

"So the pen is mightier than the sword, my Lord" - Jay-Z

At first glance, neither of these lyrics seems absurd. However, you might notice that have one word in common. And the ridiculousness of both of them stem from that common word, "sword," which both rappers pronounce with heavy emphasis on the "W." Maybe in 50's case, he's trying to preserve the alliterative effect of the phrase "swing swords," but I can't figure out the reasoning behind Jay-Z's awful pronunciation. Maybe I just don't understand rap music's deeper meanings, like intentionally mispronouncing common words.

"In this white man's world, I'm simular to a squirrel" - 50 Cent

Nope, that's not a typo. He really says "simular."

Another 50 Cent quote, and from the same song as the previous one. He's not the only rapper to make this ear-grating vowel transposition, but he's the one that stuck out most prominently in my mind. There's no "U" in similar, and there never was. It's like the person is trying to mix "similar" and "simulate" into one word.

Changing a vowel can have drastic consequences as well. The phrase, "Wow, I took like 8 shots in a row at the bar last night!" has a whole new meaning if you switch the "O" in shots to an "I"...

"What's next? What's next? What's N-X-E-T?" - Warren G

Seriously? I mean... what is this supposed... how can you just... I mean it's not even... sigh.

Did nobody listen to these tracks before the CD came out? Or, potentially worse, did people listen to them and not notice this glaring error? I guess lyrics don't come with spellcheck.

This is just a tip of the iceberg, as I didn't even feature anything from Wu-Tang, who spit some of the most absurd claims ever to be captured on record. Or from Lil Wayne, who I avoided just on principle, but I'm sure could provide enough fodder for his own featured appearance. Which he won't get. Because I hate his music.

-Jon

Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen

It's one thing to sit down, watch a few episodes of a show, formulate a coherent opinion of the good parts and bad parts of said show, and write a well-thought-out, informative piece on it.

That seems like an awful lot of work, and doesn't really fit in with what we do here. Seriously, read the mission statement up at the top left.

Instead, what I'm going to do is judge shows completely based on their commercials. A ridiculously high number of commercials that I see while watching TV shows are commercials for other TV shows. I really need to start taking better advantage of the DVR...

Mob Wives - You know how growing up is filled with drama? Basically starting in middle school, people are constantly worried about who's dating whom, what's being said about other people, who did what when and where, and all that crap. This probably continues for a lot of people through high school and maybe into college. However, most of us grow up at some point, and usually by the mid-20s this bullshit has lost its appeal to pretty much anyone that's worth hanging out with.

This show appears to be about what happens if you never stop being a drama queen, and are also Italian.

The fact that there are shows like this on television makes me sad to be a human being. On another note, have you ever noticed that the people who are like "I'm so tired of drama" are always the ones who are waist-deep in it? They're probably the fanbase for this show. And based on that, I'm going to have to assume that this show sucks donkey dongs.

I Get That a Lot - From the commercials, this appears to be a show where celebrities pretend they aren't celebrities, and then when people recognize them (which I have to assume is immediately for some of these people), they say "I get that a lot." Seriously, who wouldn't recognize AC Slater if he was pretending to be a pizza delivery guy? So I guess the point of the show is that they just lie to regular people. Once you're caught trying to fool someone, it stops being a practical joke and just becomes sad. I guess it's not enough that they have millions of dollars, they also have to make us look like jerks. What a bunch of assholes. This show probably sucks monkey scrotum.

Alcatraz - This show looks kind of cool. A bunch of people disappear from Alcatraz prison in some kind of supernatural event, and then reappear years later and start fucking shit up? Yeah, I'll buy into that. Obviously there are major issues in that these hardened criminals show up way later and seem to have no problems slipping back into a life of crime despite the incredible changes that have occurred in the past few years. I think that someone who magically transported to today from even 15 years ago would have a hard time adjusting, so it's a little sketchy that someone from 30-40 years ago would just be like "yeah, that's cool," but that's for the writers to figure out.

On the other hand, JJ Abrams has a hand in this, and he was a real asshole at the end of Lost after promising answers and then just saying everyone was dead the whole time. For this show, it will probably all end up being a dream of some coma victim, and Abrams will be laughing all the way to the bank, shouting "Haha, I got you all again you stupid bastards!!" out the sunroof of his limo, which is filled with champagne and topless supermodels. I'll give this show a chance, and a potential rating of "this seems like a cool idea, but in the end it will probably piss everyone off and they'll be like, 'what a load of horseshit!'"

Two Broke Girls - Since I watch How I Met Your Mother regularly and this show is on after it (which I believe is called a "lead" and is based on the idea that if someone watches HIMYM, they may lose the remote during that half hour and just sit there and watch the next show regardless of quality), I get to see a lot of commercials for it. A LOT!! From every commercial, it appears to be about two girls that work in a diner and, presumably, do not have much money. I guess the appeal is supposed to be that one of them (the daughter from The 40-Year Old Virgin) has large boobs and the other seems like Paris Hilton. And every single joke in the commercials is painfully set up. I realize that most people are morons (a topic that I believe has been covered on this site in detail), but you can write funny television without basically flashing a neon sign that says "Look, here comes a joke!"

This show seems like it could be tolerable in small doses, but in the long run it will probably just be annoying.

This year is off to a torrid pace of posts. I sincerely doubt that it will be maintained.

-Jon

These Commercials Are Just Terrible

What better way to ring in a new year than by taking a verbal dump all over some awful commercials that wrapped up the last one? Also, this is Jon, which I feel I need to clarify every time I start off a post with any sort of angry reference because everyone assumes it's going to be Slick. I have emotions too, people!!

First up is every commercial in the "I think I'm a rich person now even though I'm a stupid asshole" line of commercials from some wireless cell phone company. So what they're saying is that saving a couple hundred dollars a year makes you think all of a sudden that you drive a sweet Bentley? How stupid are these people? The icing on the cake is the commercial where the lady thinks she's going to buy the Crown Jewels with all her extra dough. I have personally seen said jewels, and they are not just sitting out in a glass case in a museum. They are inside a crazy vault inside the Tower of London. More importantly, they are not guarded by Americans, although they apparently are in this commercial. I guess that the main idea of these commercials is that buying their phone makes you dumber. Fuck you, whatever phone company you are.

Chloe would be upset with me if I did not include the Kia Soul commercial where a bunch of robots are at war with each other until some hamsters show up and dance to "Party Rock" (may not actually be the name of the song, but who cares) and then all the robots dance. Ignoring the fact that this is a car commercial that gives me literally zero information about the car it's advertising, Chloe's issue is that dancing robots and dancing hamsters need to get the hell off the TV screen, and she will bark at them until they do.

Next up we have the Robitussin Relief Finder commercial. Why is the "star" of this commercial an orangutan? Do many apes use Robitussin? Why is it wearing a scarf and slippers but no other clothes? It doesn't make any fucking sense!!!

Finally, we'll close with the commercials for another phone, which I think is the HTC from someone who makes phones. These commercials are the ones where people keep walking up and talking to either a pair of guys or a pair of girls who are always like, "that's so 20 seconds ago" or some other hipster-like bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry that I was trying to be helpful but didn't realize that at some point you two were elected co-presidents of Douchebagistan. Please forgive my insolence. I understand that the purpose of these commercials is to exaggerate how awesome this phone is, but have you ever actually tried to upload a video to Facebook? It's not a 3 second procedure like the commercial makes it seem. It's actually a huge pain in the ass, and half the time it fails because Facebook's uploading program is complete shit. They should put that into a commercial, with people getting pissed because after they've tried to upload a video or a whole bunch of photos, they get an error message instead and fling their phone across the room. But, since the phone is so beastly, it still works after smashing into a wall. That would get me to buy a phone.

Also, that guy comes over letting them know someone at the company is leaving, and they've already had the party for him. Seriously, a 25 second party? What a bunch of assholes.

Stay tuned for my upcoming post, "Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen." It should be epic.

Happy New Year. May yours be filled with hilarious blog posts. Or informative ones. Or delicious ones.

-Jon

Quick Hits

Here's a couple of random thoughts I've been kicking around in the ol' thought-holder.

• Whenever there is a sitcom episode that is dedicated to a group of guys getting super excited about a big time boxing match, the match is always over in like one punch. While I am not a huge boxing fan, does this really occur this often in real life?


• I assumed "Love You Like a Love Song" was a pretty terribad song just based on the title, but I couldn't really know just how much it sucked strictly from Kate walking around the house singing it for a day. Now that I've heard it on her Pandora station, I have to wonder just what the hell is going on in pop music. This song needs a Slick analysis desperately in order to parse through its inane ramblings.


• "This Week in Lyrical Genius" needs a new title since it's not weekly.


• Why can't any company make bagels that can be purchased at Big Y but not taste like a homeless person's feet? And where can I acquire a toaster that toasts the whole bagel instead of burning the outside and leaving the middle all soft?


• Fallout: New Vegas is a fantastic game. Hopefully I finish it before Christmas, as it was a Christmas gift in 2010, and I'm embarrassed it took me this long to play.


• The M&M segment on the NFL Network's Thursday Night Kickoff program where Marshall Faulk and Michael Irvin discuss things that are going on around the league is absolutely fantastic. Irvin's debate style is just to increase his volume, and Faulk just seems to be absolutely baffled about how he got paired up with him. Unintentional hilarity at its finest.

-Jon

Stupid Cats 3...

This story isn't quite as good without my diagram.

Today when I was taking Odin out, Giles decided he wanted to be on the other side of the door (which is a common cat occurrence (because they're stupid)). Fine, I was already opening the door, so it did not inconvenience me. Well, not until he decided he would going to go under the door. Except that Giles, like all these dumb cats, is a fat shit, so he didn't make it smoothly under the door, which slammed the door back into my leg and knocked me off balance as I was stepping toward the steps.

On the plus side, when he got caught on the door, he panicked and tried to run way, which led him directly into the path of my flailing leg, thus giving him a decent kick.

Take that, jerk.

-Jon

I Need a New Career

Seriously.

What the hell am I doing with my life?

Think about your job. Think about your friends' jobs. Think about the jobs of people that aren't really your friends, but you still would say "hi" to them if you saw each other at Big Y. Or at least give them the 'sup head nod. Think about every job that you have ever had.

How many of these jobs required you to know how to divide polynomials? What about factoring quadratic trinomials? Graph rational functions? Simplify exponential expressions? Do you even know what any of these things are, or do you think that I'm making words up?

The answer is probably none, or maybe one if you happen to find an engineer that specifies in a very odd form of engineering. Other than that, there are almost no jobs that require a mathematical background beyond the ability to do basic maths and possibly work with percentages. And most people probably possess a cell phone that can handle those tasks. Yet high schools and colleges require everyone to take more advanced math classes, and I can't figure out why.

None of my students this semester are going into any fields that require a background in mathematics. So basically I'm wasting their time 4 days a week (or however many they show up for, since I don't have an attendance policy). Which means I am wasting my time as well. Teaching math to people who aren't going to use math is about as productive as counting grains of sand or digging holes to fill in later. Yeah, I kill some time, but what have I accomplished?

Nothing.

What a waste.

-Jon

Stupid Cats 2...

Welcome back for another round of why cats suck.

As you can see, the cats feel a frequent need to kill things and bring them to the side porch, apparently with the thought process that we'll be excited to find a squirrel in the middle stages of rigor mortis or a mouse body several inches away from a mouse head. You can probably guess that we are not, in fact, fans of these gifts.

However, we would not be averse to finding that these jackass cats actually did something useful, like killing the mouse that is currently living somewhere in the kitchen!! Seriously? You morons can hunt down mice around the neighborhood, but you can't find a single one that is restricted to a single room? Absolutely useless...

-Jon

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume VII: Pitbull

Well, it was only a matter of time before we ended up here. "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull, the man with the name of a dog known for its tendency toward violence, and the face of a chihuahua. That is a Slick original joke right there. Don't let loyal mmmmopinion reader Chris let you think it was his. Totally wasn't. According to his wikipedia page, Pitbull says that he chose the name because pitbulls "bite to lock and are too stupid to give up." Well I agree with that, Pitbull is pretty stupid. The man, not the dog. But since I mentioned the animal let me take a brief minute to say that I don't think there's any reason pitbulls can't be good pets . . . but you know what, that will be an mmmmopinion later this week. Boom, teaser.

Anyway, like always I watched the music video about 7-8 times so that I can really hear the song and begin crafting my insults, and I noticed that Pitbull kept doing this weird thing with his mouth. So I went to over google and began typing "Why does Pitbull keep making weird faces?" but as I was doing it, google gave me that popdown list that included the question "Why does Pitbull always say dale (pronounced dah-lay)?" Dale is Spanish for "come on" or some shit like that. But someone answered that question with the following:

He's not saying dale, he's saying dade. He's from Miami which is in Dade County. That's why he always says it.

The point is, as always, people are stupid.

Anyway, let's get to the actual lyrics. But before we get there, it's important to note that the chorus of this song is essentially this: Grab somebody sexy, tell them hey, the world might end tomorrow. It probably won't, BUT IT COULD. So we should have sex tonight. Logic, FLAWLESS. Just keep that in mind.

Me not working hard?
Yeah right picture that with a kodak.

Alright, well we're not off to a great start since that in no way reflects how a Kodak works.

And better yet, go to Times Square
Take a picture of me with a kodak

The way he rhymed kodak with kodak, genius. Oh, and this might come as a surprise, but Pitbull is endorsed by Kodak. Shocking.

Took my life from negative to positive
And I just want y'all know that

Get it? Kodak . . . negative. Haha that's clever. Also, he used to be a drug dealer and now he's famous for being a shitty rapper. So that's something, I guess.

And tonight, let's enjoy life

Because we might not get tomorrow, yeah yeah, Ne-Yo told me that.

Take advantage of tonight
Cause tomorrow I'm off to do battle and perform for princes

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a goddamn second. Tomorrow you're off to . . . do battle? That not making any sense aside, if you're planning on doing stuff tomorrow, then why the fuck did I have sex with Ne-Yo? He told me we might not get tomorrow, WAS THAT ALL A LIE? That son of a BITCH.

But tonight, I can make you my queen
And make love to you endless

-ly. Endlessly. It's an adverb. #douchebagnitpicking

It's insane, the way the name growin’, money keep flowin’
Hustlers move in silence, so I’m tiptoein, keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Now, being a white kid from Ludlow I know very little about hustlin'. But Jay-Z claims to be a hustler and LOVES talking about how much he hustles and how fast he hustles. He's like the white kid on a basketball team, just a great hustler. I honestly don't know what any of the rest of it means but I do love a superfluous Lindsay Lohan reference.

Excuse me (excuse me) but I might drink a little more than I should, tonight

I might drink more than I should. Call it 63% likely.

And I might take you home with me if I could, tonight,

"Excuse me miss, can I take you home and dry hump your leg to climax, possibly?" Christ, he might drink too much. He might take you home. Something tells me that Pitbull struggles with being decisive. Maybe?

And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight
Because we might not get tomorrow

Oh, you fuckers need to make a decision about whether or not we're going to have a tomorrow.

Reach for the stars
And if you don’t grab em, at least you’re on top of the world

I'm not sure if you've heard but there's a party on the rooftop, top of the world. And, if there's time, we're going to dance on the edge of the Hollywood sign.

Think about it
Cause if you slip I’m gonna fall on top of you girl, hahaha

You probably fell because you drank too much. And seriously, he actually laughs in the song

What I'm involved in, it goes deeper than the Masons
Baby, baby and it ain’t no secret

After The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, Dan Brown just got really, really lazy. Don't expect Pitbull and the Masons to be a bestseller. Tom Hanks said he doesn't want to be in the movie, but Nicolas Cage said he would do it for $25 and half a sandwich.

My family’s from Cuba but I’m an American Idol
Makin' money like Seacrest

According to celebritynetworth.com, Ryan Seacrest is worth $125 million. Pitbull is worth $9 million. Although I do agree that you and Seacrest both make far too much money.

-Slick

Stupid Cats...

Welcome to part 1 of what may turn out to be an infinite series on why I hate cats.

It doesn't matter whether he's inside or outside, he wants to be the other. This holds true even when I'm making multiple trips to put stuff in my car. This jackass will continually run in and out, unable to be content with whatever choice he's made.

Goddam cats...

-Jon

An Open Letter...

To all high school Athletic Directors and Business Office workers,

Hi. How's the first season of your school year going? Hopefully well.

Let me start by apologizing. I realize that having 3 different addresses over the course of 5 school years is probably a little bit on the high side. I suppose that most of your sports officials are older people with stable lives and a constant home address, making me a bit of an anomaly.

With that being said, please believe me when I tell you that I am very sure of my home address, and I am confident that when I write it down, it is correct. There is no reason that you need to call me to confirm that the previously mentioned address is, in fact, my address. As I may have mentioned, I was the one who wrote it down. You can make the assumption that the address I wrote is the address I would prefer my checks to be delivered to.

What makes this whole endeavor especially frustrating is that I have taken steps to try to avoid this kind of nonsense. I have spent my entire life developing my penmanship to be easily legible to anyone with a basic amount of literacy. I also have even written "new address" next to my new address so that whoever looks at it will, hopefully, realize that it's a new address.

I would guess that the probability of another official matching my appearance AND having the same name AND officiating in western Mass is fairly low, if not zero. I also doubt that this mysterious twin of mine is out there officiating in my name and trying to steal my money.

As such, I am pleading with you: please send my checks to the address I give you. I promise you that this will not result in any issues.

Also, stop making me fill out new W-9 forms every year. Just because I've moved does not make me a new person. I didn't have to fill out a new tax form every year when I was a teacher, or a math tutor, or a professional craftsman (i.e. urn-maker0, or an ice cream scooping guy, so I shouldn't have to as an official.

Thanks!

-Jon

Some Random Thoughts from a Sick Slick

As I sit here, fighting off some sort of illness that is sure to claim my life (the sharp knife of a short life), I struggle through the pain of coughing up a bunch of gray-green shit in order to bring you a few thoughts hot of the presses from the printing press that is Slick's brain. Does that metaphor make any sense? Probably not, but read on to find out.

-What the fuck is the deal with one way underpasses? It's 2011, what kind of bullshit is that? Dedicated mmmmopinion reader Melissa and I were going to join Kathryn and Jon at the Amherst Brewing Company for some delicious beer and food. Jon has written several posts about that experience on the other sites of the mmmm franchise, but since I can't remember how to link things I'll just tell you to go there. Or maybe Jon will link them. But back to my fascinating tale, on our way we had to stop on one side of this underpass because it wasn't wide enough to allow two cars to pass through. That makes Slick grumpy. How hard is it widen an underpass? Without any knowledge on the subject, I can safely say that it's very easy. One way underpasses: fuck that noise.

-Hockey arenas should come with a third box (outside the normal 2 penalty boxes) where people can go and fight. Hockey fights are mostly two guys holding each other's shirts spinning in circles. If they really want to throw down fisticuffs, they should have a special area, maybe even an in-arena boxing ring, where they can do that. Yeah, maybe you won't be so willing to go sit in timeout for 5 minutes if you know there's a legit chance you could get your ass kicked. Also, hockey fights get broken up the second they get interesting. Guy gets his pads pulled over his head: fight broken up. Guy gets slammed to the ice: fight gets broken up. So what's the deal? You're allowed to punch one another unless someone might actually get hurt? Fuck that, you want to fight you better be prepared to bring the noise. Otherwise GTFO.

-What's the deal with cough medicine? Why is it so goddamn sticky? I felt like I was finger-blasting my medicine cup just trying to get a normal dose. Next time I'm just going to chug from the bottle.

-Who was the first sideline reporter and have they always been this useless? "Coach, your team gave up lots of points that half, how do you give up not as many points next half?" Thanks attractive woman who apparently couldn't be given anything more useful to do. And I can't fathom why you would put a guy or an ugly chick as your sideline reporter. The only thing they actually do is look good on camera, so why do Craig Sager and Pam Oliver have jobs? I bet young Pam Oliver was hot, but now you could probably play the football game on her forehead.

That's it for now. I'm sorry this wasn't funnier. I'm sick. Leave me alone.

-Slick

This Needs to Stop

This may have been addressed in previous facebook rantings (I'll be damned if I'm actually going to check), but lately I've noticed a lot more of this terrible trend. I'm speaking of course about the facebook status that goes a little something like this.

Dear somebody who is obviously not my facebook friend,
Your feet smell. Please put your shoes back on. Nobody wants to smell your stankass feet.
Sincerely,
Passive Aggressive Bitch

Seriously? C'mon man. Now, you may be trying to be funny so that all of your friends can LOLZ at how witty and clever you are. Brief aside, I'm not sure why there's a "Z" in LOL. But then again, I"m not sure why people use LOL. I much prefer a simple "haha." But maybe that's just me. But getting back to these PAB (passive aggressive bitches), if you're really upset enough to write some whack-ass status about how angry you are, instead of just being a PAB, why don't you just do something to rectify the situation. Like a PAB I saw on facebook had this as her status update:

Dear General Practitioner in the horrid dress,
Having your MD does not entitle you to talk to me like I'm an idiot, at least I'm smart enough not to wear that dress

Vomit. Let's ignore the fact that you may be an idiot because it should be "don't speak to me like I'm an idiot" not "talk to me like I'm an idiot," because hey, speaking properly is overrated. So fuck it. Let's also ignore the fact that you're clearly a bitch and are mocking someone's attire to an online community who has no idea what the fuck you're talking about. "Oh was her wearing an ugggly dresss. LOLZ" Ignoring both of those for the sake of brevity, let's tackle the real issue at hand. If you feel offended/strongly enough that you put this as your status update, instead of being a PAB why don't you just address the issue. If someone speaks to you like you're an idiot, just saying something like, "Hey, I don't appreciate being spoken to like that," and either two things will happen.

Either,
A.) They'll continue to speak to you like you're a moron. She may do that thing where she acts like she's not being a bitch, but really she's really being a patronizing bitch. You know what I mean. But at least you'll be able to have some standing if you decide to complain. You can say that you tried remedying the situation, but she continues to be demeaning.

or

B.) There's always the slight chance that she may treat you like a human being. Slight chance. Call it 3.56% likely. I like this option better because in that case, I don't have to see your stupid ass status update.

But then again, they won't do anything because they're a passive aggressive bitch.

Also, funny thing. You almost never see this kind of thing from a guy . . . well . . . I mean straight guys.

And yes, I see the hypocrisy in writing a blog post telling people who don't read this blog to stop doing something instead of just telling those people they should stop doing something. But on facebook I either just unfriend them or block them because as Ron White once said, you can't fix stupid. And I wrote this blog mostly so that you people can have a nice LOLZ.

I still don't get why the "Z" is there.

-Slick

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume VI: Jason Owen

In a move that will certainly anger dedicated mmmmopinion reader Melissa, I have to make fun of Jason Owen. And of course, by Jason Owen I mean Jake Owen. But I think his name should be Jason so that's what I'm going to call him. But before we get to Jason and his cliched piece of shit "Barefoot Blue Jean Night," I have to address some criticisms from my last Lyrical Genius post regarding the beautiful and talented Kimberly Perry. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Kathryn and Melissa. So yeah, maybe there are some pictures where Miss Perry looks like a bag of smashed assholes. So what? There's also pictures where she's been airbrushed and looks absolutely smoking. And I'm not the kind of person who makes judgments based on what people actually look like. I'm not that shallow. Instead, I make judgments based on pictures where every imperfection has been removed. That's just the kind of guy I am. So you hold your tongue the next time you want to insult someone who's only flaw is that they want to share their beautiful gift of music with you.

Alright, so Jason Owen sucks a lot of dick. Interesting fun fact about Mister Owen: his real name isn't Jason or Jake. It's actually Joshua. But Joshua isn't hillbilly enough to sell country music so he had to adopt the stage name Jake or some shit. None of this is in any way important/relevant. I just wanted to share some information I learned from wikipedia. But whatever he wants to call himself, this song really just epitomizes the worst about country music and music in general. Look at these lyrics and try to tell me that it takes more than a 2nd grade education to write this shit. YOU CAN'T.

A full moon shining bright
Edge of the water we were feeling alright

Oh god, it's only been two fucking lines and it's already terrible. Is there ever a country song that doesn't take place on the edge of the water? What was it, that ass in the sand song? I swear to god, the entire facebook community used those lyrics. Christ, if this thing is only half finished when it gets posted it's because I went to kill myself.

Back down a country road

Of course it is. The only way to get to any body of water is down a country road. Why don't you people invest in some fucking infrastructure?

The girls are always hot and the beer is ice cold

That's what happens when you put beer in ice and only invite good looking girls to hang out with you.

Cadillac, horns on the hood

The only thing that makes this funny is that I keep picturing the guy from the Simpsons who has a pair of longhorns attached to his car. I thought that was a joke. I didn't know people actually did that. No wonder this country is turning to shit.

My buddy Frankie had his dad hook him up good

Now, keep in mind that Jason Owen is 30 years old. So either he's hanging out with, I don't know, like 17 year olds OR he and his friends are still using their dads' cars. I'd say it's about 50/50. I really can't decide which is more likely.

Girls smile when we roll by

Who'd have thought that girls would take advantage of guys with nice cars. Mind ... BLOWN.

They hop in the back and we cruise to the riverside

That's twice, TWICE, in the first eight lines of the song that Jason has to tell you that they're hanging out by the water. "Oh, do you not get to hang out by the water? Cause my buddy's dad has some lakeside property. It's pretty sweet. You should come by some time and bring some chicks, but no fatties or uggos. And bring some beer, but only if it has two bars showing. That's how you know it's supercold. Down by the water."

Never gonna grow up

Barf.

Never gonna slow down

Puke.

We were shinin like lighters in the dark in the middle of a rock show

That doesn't even make any fucking sense.

We were doin' it right

Doing what right? Hanging out by the water drinking beer? You can do that in Ludlow when you're 14.

We were comin' alive

WILD TIMES A'COMIN'.

Yeah, caught up in a Southern, summer barefoot bluejean night

"They said I couldn't get 4 adjectives in the last line of the chorus, but I totally did it anyway."

Blue eyes and auburn hair
Sittin' lookin' pretty by the fire in a lawn chair

Oh good, I was hoping for a lawn chair reference.

New to town, and new to me
Her ruby red lips was sippin' on sweet tea

Country roads. Horns on cars. Bluejean nights. Sweet tea. If this song gets any more country it's going to try to fuck it's sister.

Shot me a look like a shootin' star

What the fuck does that even mean? Nothing in this song makes any sense. It's just a collection of words. Douchetard.

So, I grabbed a beer and my ol' guitar

Oh fuck, of course you did. "Hey there's a girl I haven't banged yet. Well wait until I dust off the old pipes. Then she'll be dustin' off my pipe, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!"

Then we sat around till the break of dawn
Howlin' and singin' our favorite song

Did I not tell you crazy times were a'comin? I TOLD YOU CRAZY TIMES WERE A COMIN! Holy shit! Drinking beer around a fire and singing, NOBODY PARTIES LIKE WE DO! Oh shit, is it already dawn cause Frankie's got to get his dad's car back before 8.

That was the worst one so far.

-Slick

Fruit Fone vs. Fruit Fone

I had to spell "phone" incorrectly so that I could make all the words start with F. And it's been almost a full year since the last ___ vs. ___ topic, which makes me sad about all the time I've wasted by not writing hilarious blog posts. My life, while still awesome, has not lived up to the level of awesomeness that I've come to expect from myself.

I recently had to acquire a new phone after mine decided to stop working in the most annoying way possible. My options were to pay several monies for a fancy new phone, pay less monies for a less fancy phone that was actually the precursor to my phone (which would have actually made my "upgrade" a downgrade, and I said "fuck that"), or pay some monies for a phone that was outclassed by a newer model, but still probably at least as fancy as my current phone/paperweight.

If you were able to follow that last paragraph, congratulations! You're at least as crazy as I am! That's probably not a good thing. Grapefruit monkeys!!

Anyways, I ended up switching from my Blackberry Bold to an Apple iPhone 3GS. Let's see which one is superior! Obviously a categorical breakdown is the best way to settle this.

Blackberry Bold (with some numbers) vs. Apple iPhone 3GS

Ease of Texting

I'm talking Day 1, just out of the box ease. Obviously after a few months with any phone, you're probably going to get pretty good at sending messages to people.

My old Blackberry had the full keyboard that you could touch all the keys, as opposed to that weird one that you could actually click the screen. I like being able to touch the keys. Especially when I have to type the same letter twice in a row. In the 3 days that I've been using the iPhone, I have not once successfully hit the same letter twice in a row. Apparently I type too quickly for the iPhone to pick up my clicks. That's dumb.

Goddam touch screens.

On the other hand, if you and the person you're texting both have iPhones, you can send them whales. That's pretty cool. Big whales, medium whales, little whales, it's all possible with the iPhone.

Round 1: While whales are awesome, this round goes to Blackberry.

Camera

It's 2011, and somehow I own a phone whose camera doesn't come with a flash. What kind of ridiculous bullshit is that? How am I supposed to take hilarious pictures of a dopey-faced Odin without a flash? It's just going to look like I'm taking pictures of darkness.

Round 2: Blackberry

Calling Someone While Driving

When I wanted to call someone on my Blackberry, all I had to do was start typing their name and their name would pop up. Then I could click the green phone button and that was that. Calling someone from my iPhone requires all sorts of shenanigans. I am pretty sure I can do it by using the Search feature, but I'm trying to drive here! Maybe I can set up voice-dialing or something. Otherwise, you're going to have to call me if I'm in the car. Also, the top ridge of my iPhone sort of digs into my ear. What's that about?

Do people even still use phones to call each other, or is it all texts now?

Round 3: Blackberry

Texting While Driving

Texting while driving is illegal, so this round cannot be decided without violating the law. Which I don't do. Even though texting is super easy, and shouldn't impact your ability to drive a car.* But if it was legal, I think it would be easier on the Blackberry since you can actually touch the keys instead of randomly guessing where on the screen your stupidly fat thumbs might be.

Round 4: Tie, I guess. That's sort of a copout, but I've heard that it's not a good idea to promote illegal activities on the internet.

Apps

Is this round even a contest? I am pretty sure my Blackberry does not have Angry Birds. Even if it does, there's no touch screen so how am I supposed to make pinpoint accurate shots to trash those stupid pigs. I'm also very sure that Blackberry App World sucks donkey balls compared to the App Store. I can't remember exactly, but I think you have to download an app so that you can download apps. What kind of ridiculous bullshit is that?

Round 5: Apple

Talking to Someone on the Phone

Call quality seems better with the iPhone, but I haven't tried doing other things while talking on the phone, which I could do with the Blackberry. That was especially useful when I had to check my calendar to decide if I could take on additional officiating assignments, because it's always nice to acquire more assignments as they often lead to more dollars. The iPhone still hurts my ear sometimes though.

Round 6: Tie pending future testing of the iPhone's multitasking capabilities.

Battery Life

My Blackberry usually could go about 3 days between charging, although that could sometimes vary depending on how much I did with it. That was also assuming I turned the phone off every night, since I wasn't going to be taking any messages while I slept. It also had an awesome feature where you could set an alarm, and it would automatically turn itself on to wake you up. That is a genius idea.

So far, the iPhone seems to have a battery life of around 40 hours. However, I don't know if this is going to be a consistent amount since I haven't really gotten many apps yet and this 40 hour estimate is only based on 2 chargings, not exactly a large sample size.

Round 7: Blackberry. Having to charge my phone annoys me when I can't do it overnight.

GPS

The GPS on Kate's old iPhone was absolute garbage. It gave you a route, but if you missed a turn or weren't exactly where the phone thought you were, it didn't update, leading me to several instances of rage when we were in unfamiliar places. So I wasn't exactly expecting great things on my new phone.

Turns out that there have been some updates or something, because it works a little better on my iPhone. The GPS on my Blackberry was pretty good, but it usually took a really long time to figure out where I was, and often told me that the GPS was unavailable.

Round 8: Neither are great, but the iPhone one seems a bit easier to use. Apple wins this one.

Internet Browsing

The built in browser for Blackberry is garbage. The built in browser for the iPhone is Safari, which I find to be much better than garbage. I also tried getting the Opera browser for my Blackberry because it was supposed to be kickass. Instead, it constantly crashed, stopped responding to clicks, and would not shut down unless I pulled out the battery from the back of the phone. So I went back to the regular browser, which is about as fast as Chloe climbing a flight of stairs. Nice work Blackberry.

Round 9: Apple

Calendar

It's really easy to sync my iPhone with my computer to keep my calendars updated. It was not really easy to sync my Blackberry with my computer to do the same. This might be because both the iPhone and my computer are Apple products, but the important thing is that I like things that should be simple to actually be simple.

Round 10: Apple

Ok, that was a fairly extensive series of tests, but phones are serious business. Especially when you use them for a calendar, text machine, email, etc. We live in a constantly connected world these days, so you can't risk falling behind because you're rocking a Zack Morris phone.

Winner

And the winner is... my old Blackberry for now, with the caveat that I am pretty sure I'm going to end up liking the iPhone more in the future. After 21 months with my Bold, I was very comfortable with everything it did and how it did these things. After 6 days with my iPhone, I am still a little overwhelmed by everything. Plus it made moving my super sweet "Frog's Theme" ringtone from my computer to my phone a huge pain in the ass at work the other day.

Check with me in 3 months, and I might be singing a different tune.

-Jon

*Unless you are from CT, in which case your driving ability is already terrible and you should focus exclusively on driving when you're behind the wheel. No phones, no food, no music, just drive your car in the way a normal human being would do it. Which means not doing 60 in the left lane.

A Challenger Approaches

Remember that certain cable company that we've had such fantastic dealings with in the past? You should, since it's literally the last post that was here. If you don't, you may need to get your brain examined, since it's not working correctly and may be a sign of a more serious issue. And more importantly, a new company has entered the fray in the competition for "Who Can Piss Me Off the Most By Providing Shitacular Customer Service." It's a prestigious award. This new company shall be known as Shmay Shmee and Shmee, just so that I hopefully won't get creepy stalker guys commenting.

My phone randomly started a neat new trick, which was to constantly assume I was pressing the center "Confirm" button. This results in continually starting email drafts, sending half-typed text messages, making me nearly unable to call anyone, randomly muting and unmuting me when someone calls, and lots of other sweet benefits. As you can probably guess, this does not make me happy.

So Kate tells me that I can check online if I'm eligible for an upgrade. That seems like a pretty useful feature. I haven't ever tried to access the account online, so obviously I'll have to register first. This consists of entering my phone number and the last 4 digits of my SS number, both of which I know. Also, since I'm on the account as an approved user or whatever stupid asshat policy they enforce there, this should go smoothly.

Why, oh why, do I ever think things will go smoothly when dealing with large corporations?

Of course it turns into an absolute disaster, involving one of the slowest helpers of all time. She was very friendly, but everything took like 5 minutes. And then they sent me a temporary password so that I could log on. Which wasn't that helpful, since every time I try to open a text message, my phone starts clicking all crazily and makes it nearly impossible to read anything.

I did finally get logged in, and it looks like I have insurance on my phone. Hopefully it covers the phone getting stuck in the drywall, since that's about 3 minutes away from happening. Sorry this wasn't funnier, but I am so angry right now that I can't be humorous.

-Jon