Eastfield Mall vs. Hampshire Mall vs. Holyoke Mall
Quality of Best Buy
This was much more of an issue in the days before I discovered my love of Amazon, but I still have a tendency to always check out what is going on at Best Buy before I do the rest of my shopping. It's probably some kind of Pavlovian conditioned response or some crap like that.
I have been to the Best Buy at Holyoke Mall more times than I care to count, so I am pretty sure that I could draw you a blueprint of the place. But I won't because all my drawing time is currently occupied by cupcakes, bananas and snowmen. I like it, even though all the stuff is overpriced.
I only took a cursory glance at the one at Hampshire Mall, but it appeared to fit the bill. Since I have to go over there again soon and return these bullshit salt & pepper shakers to TJMaxx (and possibly choke someone), I'll take a look at the Best Buy there and report back later.
Eastfield Mall? Ha, there's not even a Best Buy there. What a shitty mall.
Round 1: Holyoke temporarily, with a chance for a tie.
Quality of Target
Apparently now that I am turning into a grown-up, I will be shopping here more. Like today, I picked up some dishware and random kitchen things there. But it's ok, because I went bowling later and used a 16-lb ball, so that manliness cancels out the femininity of shopping for kitchenware. Thus, the quality of the Target store will be a major issue for me in the future.
Today I was able to navigate Target at the Hampshire Mall with the ease of a. . . Garmin GPS system? I don't really know what navigates well. However, I am guessing this is because Kathryn was there and she knows that store inside and out. Mostly inside. It's not really useful to know the outside of the store now that I think about it.
The Holyoke Mall Target confuses the hell out of me. Even though it's definitely marked a lot better than the Hampshire Mall one, I still end up walking in circles for a while before I can figure out where I came in. I think it may be a little bit larger though. Not that it really needs to be, since it's approximately the size of Belchertown already.
Eastfield Mall? Haha, did you really think this shit-hole would have a Target? Keep dreaming.
Round 2: Hampshire Mall. I don't like getting lost.
Hot chocolate
This section would probably be coffee, but I don't drink coffee because it tastes like garbage. Plus chocolate is awesome.
Eastfield Mall probably has a coffee place, but that place sucks so who cares.
Holyoke Mall has a Starbucks, which makes a pretty awesome hot chocolate. Plus, it lets me walk around the mall with a Starbucks cup, which makes people take me more seriously. That is a pretty big plus.
However, Hampshire Mall has a place called Mocha Emporium, which has way better hot chocolate. It was fantastic. I would get a job there, learn what they do, then quit and just spend the winter drinking hot chocolate. See you when I'm homeless and weight about 270 lbs.
Round 3: Hampshire Mall.
Food
This is going to be a tough one.
Eastfield Mall has a food court with a bunch of crappy places. Remember that pizza place that they had there, and it was like the best part of going to the mall when you were growing up? Don't go back there. I had some about 8 months ago, and it definitely sucks now. It must be my refined palette. They do have a 99 there, but so does Holyoke Mall.
Holyoke Mall also has a Ruby Tuesday and a Wendy's, which means the opportunities for some Mmmm, Burgers are quite high. Plus they have a Subway, which means I can get a meal for $5.31. And there is that place where I get milkshakes up by Gamestop.
Hampshire Mall has Buffalo Wild Wings though. That place was really good, and they had a pretty sweet beer selection. I think there is also a Subway in there as well. And they claim to have a Trader Joe's (not that it's a restaurant), but that is some bullshit because the Trader Joe's is across the parking lot. Lying sons of bitches.
Round 4: Holyoke Mall. Can't compete with milkshakes.
Crowds
Holyoke Mall is almost always way too crowded. Especially around Christmas. I usually have to pick a random day and go early in the morning, and it still sucks. However, I have noticed that it's not too bad on a weekday morning.
Hampshire Mall was not crowded at all today, and today is a school vacation day. That probably means that it is never really crowded.
Eastfield Mall is never crowded. Because it sucks. When I am unemployed or under-employed in the near future, I am going to try to get a job there because I will not have to do any work for between 65-80% of the day.
Round 5: Eastfield Mall if you are a hermit, Holyoke if you want to see lots of people, Hampshire if you're in between. This round is like instructional soccer; everyone is a winner, even if they suck.
Surrounding stores
Hampshire Mall gets docked points here for being liars, as documented above. However, there are still a buttload of stores around the area because it's on a pretty busy stretch of Route 9.
Eastfield also has a lot of stuff in the immediate area. Nothing too spectacular, but it's nice to know that I can easily get some pet supplies or office supplies without having to drive too far. Although maybe that's a bad thing, because after 30 minutes in that place, I want to be somewhere far away from there.
Holyoke Mall has a Barnes & Noble AND a Red Robin right around the corner. That means books, because I'm a nerd, AND burgers! There is also a Men's Wearhouse, because sometimes I like to look nice without getting my wallet raped by Macy's.
Round 6: Holyoke Mall. Burgers and books is an insurmountable mountain for another mall to climb.
Proximity
This is pretty easy to decide.
Eastfield Mall - 2.1 miles
Holyoke Mall - 9.1 miles
Hampshire Mall - 14 miles
Round 7: Eastfield Mall. Woo.
Winner
In the end, I am going to have to go to the Holyoke Mall for my overpriced merchandise. Although the Hampshire Mall will make an ok substitute if I'm at Kathryn's or feeling that I haven't purchased enough gasoline lately. I would rather give out hugs and high fives for Christmas this year than shop at the Eastfield Mall.
Also, I did this whole thing just to tell you this story. When I got to Target today, there was a lady bringing her stuff to her car, and then she brought the cart toward the cart return, which is nice. However, she decided to just leave it on the curb instead, because the cart return was apparently farther than she could manage. Now, because Kathryn hadn't arrived yet, I decided to check this out. It was another 30 steps from the curb where she stopped to the cart return. This means that it would have taken her another 60 steps total to not be a lazy bitch, which are 60 steps she could have desperately used, as she was probably tipping the scales at 280 or so. Did I mention that I hate people?
-Jon
PS - If you are reading this, you are currently in the middle of "10 Posts in 10 Days," sponsored by Mmmm, Burgers and Mmmm, Opinions. This would be number 4.
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