Bowling vs. Bowling

Due to the intense popularity of the first round of Thing vs. Thing, I have decided to keep it as a regular feature here. And of course, by intense popularity, I mean that I liked doing it. I will skip the introduction this time, because I assume you read the first one and are aware of how this goes.

10-pin Bowling vs. Candlepin Bowling

Ball-size

Once again, I choose to start off the competition with a category that could be interpreted in a less mature way as being sexual in nature. Maybe this will also become a regular feature.

In case you are not aware, 10-pin bowling is what most doofuses refer to as "big-ball" bowling despite frequent attempts by me to get them to stop. Obviously, the balls in this version of bowling are the large ones, which means that little people (not midgets or dwarves or whatever, but people who are young, weak, or have tiny hands) have trouble playing. On the other hand, it also means that if you are strong enough, you can really whip those suckers down the alley and make a huge crash. That's what I was trying to do today, which might explain why my scores sucked. I guess that candlepin bowling is more accessible for everyone, so that's probably good.

Round 1: Candlepin (I know, I was surprised too.)

Inherent Comedy

This is a difficult category to address, because you may be thinking of the wrong thing. I don't mean which type of bowling is more likely to have a comedy film based on it, because that is addressed later. I mean which one is more likely to make you laugh while you are doing it.

Now, both ball sizes (heh heh) offer ample opportunities for embarrassing yourself. For instance, I have fallen down while participating in both. I have also somehow ripped my pants in 10-pin, as well as sat on someone's beer. I really don't know why their beer was left on a chair though, so I am not taking the blame for that one.

The real defining factor is what happens after you throw the ball. I have done a lot of bowling, but candlepin is the only one where I have seen someone throw the ball immediately into the gutter. I think the ball was on the lane for about 4 feet before it went into the loser zone. You literally have no idea what's going to happen once someone starts their approach. Straight down the middle? Flying off to the opposite side from where their arm looks like it was going? Into the gutter on another lane? Lob shot that spends over a second in the air before crashing into the lane really loudly so that the other people all stop and look at what is going on in your lane? Anything is possible.

Also, you should see Erica bowl. Seriously.

Round 2: Candlepin

Chance of Success

I have a confession. I looked up some of the info about candlepin scores because I was pretty sure I was right and needed the confirmation. A perfect score in either bowling is 300. This has been accomplished several times in 10-pin. And I mean several times per bowling alley. Take a minute some time and look at all the banners hanging from the ceiling. Hell, I think a blind guy rolled a 300 game one time. A perfect game in candlepin bowling is not rare at all either. But that's because it's never happened. Ever. Not even close. Right now the record is 245. And those candlepin fuckers get 3 balls per frame instead of 2. Plus they get to leave the downed pins out there to help knock around the ones that are still standing. Apparently a good score in candlepin is in the 120s. To put this in perspective, I rolled a 129 today in 10-pin. And I suck.

Round 3: 10-pin

Overall Fun

This is pretty closely related to the last topic, so I'll keep it short. Candlepin bowling is aggravating. Anyone can get lucky and throw a few strikes in 10-pin. To get a strike in candlepin, you need to cast some magic spell, sacrifice a goat, and throw the ball while reciting a few Hail Marys. I am pretty sure that even Jesus or Harry Potter would have a hard time doing well in candlepin. That is not fun. Also, you can drink while doing either, so that's a wash. I would rather not pay money to get aggravated when I can spend it practicing for the PBA tour.

Round 4: 10-pin

Popularity in Media

Quick: how many movies have you seen where candlepin bowling makes an appearance? I know of 2 pretty popular ones that have a strong bowling focus, and both are exclusively 10-pin: Kingpin and The Big Lebowski. If you don't like both of those movies, there's a pretty good chance that you are a terrible person and should stop reading this blog until I somehow figure out how to get paid to do it and then I need you to up my readership. The point here is that 10-pin bowling is awesome, and everyone should like it. Candlepin bowling is for New England and Canada. And Canada even made things easier by "inventing" 5-pin bowling. Lazy syrup-drinkers.

Disclosure: I may own a pair of purple bowling shoes. And possibly a purple jumpsuit. And may have been Jesus Quintana for Halloween. So maybe I'm a little biased. But then again, everyone is biased. The difference is that not everyone will admit it.

Also, in the hilariousness department, a couple weeks ago ESPN delayed switching over to the women's NCAA tournament basketball game to finish showing the finals of a PBA event. That's right, 10-pin bowling trumps women's sports. What more evidence do you need?

Round 5: 10-pin

Winner

In the end, despite the fact that candlepin bowling will offer ample chances to laugh at your friends' making asses of themselves, 10-pin bowling is better because it's far more awesome. Even if Rick Reilly tries to douche it up by throwing his $.02 in. Side note - does anyone know how to get a cents sign in there?

-Jon

PS - You might be wondering why there are beer tags down there when I didn't mention beer. It's because I am drinking a Sam Summer while I am writing this. The Summer Ale Challenge III has begun!