I Hate ESPN

It's Monday night and Brett Favre is doing his press conference. ESPN flashes this stat on the screen:

Brett Favre: 1 of 11 players in NFL history to throw a 99-yd TD pass.

It's such a random accomplishment. It's like if, when Michael Jordan retired, they had a graphic that said: "Michael Jordan: 1 of 14 players to make a 63-foot shot." Out of all the stats you can choose for Brett Favre, they choose this one. You want to know the illustrious list of QBs with 99-yd throws?

• Frank Filchock (sounds like the owner of a frozen chicken product line)
• George Izo (never heard of him)
• Karl Sweetan (never heard of him)
• Sonny Jurgenson (he was good)
• Jim Plunkett (he was good)
• Gus Frerotte (he's awful)
• Stan Humphries (he's not good)
• Trent Green (he's ok)
• Jeff Garcia (he's weird looking)
• Brett Favre
• Ron Jaworski (hmm, maybe now I know why ESPN put up this graphic)

-Pat the Intern

Ugly Sweater Parties are . . .

easily one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of. I just don't get it. I imagine the first girls to throw an ugly sweater party had the following conversation (and I guarantee they had to be girls because no guys could possibly put this much thought into a party).

Girl 1: Hey I was thinking about having a party, but I don't want it to be just any party. I WANT IT TO SPARKLE!!!!
Girl 2: (squeaks and other high pitch noises) That's, like, such an inspired idea.
Girl 1: Yeah, I know. But I don't know what to do. I want it to be a themed party because those are just so . . . much . . . fun. They're so terrific.
Girl 2: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! Like I've got it. What if, like, we get everyone we know to wear, like, a sweater? Can you imagine how, like, incredibly uncomfortable that would be? Best flippin' idea ever.
Girl 1: THAT'S AMAZING! But I've got an even better idea, what if instead of just a sweater, we make it an ugly sweater? Seriously, how much fun would that be?
Girl 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I LOVE IT!

And there you have the origin of the ugly sweater party. You may be saying, "Wait, I thought you said that no guy would put this much thought into a party? Those two had the combined brain power of a blender." And you are correct, but here's how the conversation would go if two guys were to plan an ugly sweater party.

Guy 1: Hey dude, I was thinking about having an ugly sweater party. What do you think?
Guy 2: That's super interesting because I was just thinking about how much of a homo you are.
Guy 1: Yeah, you're right. Fuck it, I'll just get a bunch of 30's and call some sluts.

Boom. Now that's a party. The thing I don't understand about ugly sweater party is why someone would want their friends to dress up in clothes made from Big Foot's pubic hair. There is no way those things can possibly be comfortable. Why not just invite your friends over and get hammered in comfortable clothes like a normal adult? "Because then we wouldn't be able to laugh at how ugly everyone's sweater is." If at any point in my life that's what I consider entertainment I'm just going to fucking kill myself.

-Slick

Racism!

My favorite topic to write about is racism. Why? Because it is so prevalent throughout most aspects of our society. The funny thing about racism is that it changes over time. You see, in the 1950s it was ok to be blatantly racist and, in fact, government supported. Now, racism is subtle. Now it is certain ideas with racist undertones. These undertones come from racist ideas that the USA supported long ago. It's actually pretty clever.

For example, Donovan McNabb gets benched in the final 2 minutes of the 4th quarter against the Lions in favor of Rex "Worst QB Ever" Grossman. The reasoning: "Rex knew the offense better and was in better shape." Why are black quarterbacks and black athletes in general considered dumb and lazy? That's essentially what Redskins coach Mike Shanahan is saying. Donovan McNabb is like a 6-time Pro Bowl QB (remember, here at Mmmm, opinions we don't like to do a ton of research, so he might have 5 or 7 Pro Bowls) and has been a professional athlete for over 10 years. Are you telling me he is too stupid to know an offense he has run for 10 years (Shanahan's offense is similar to Andy Reid's in Philadelphia)? And are you also telling me that he is too lazy to be on the field with 2 minutes left?

Don't get me wrong; Mike Shanahan is not a racist. Not consciously anyway. These racist ideas are a product of the society we live in. All of us have had racist ideas and have stereotypes about race. How awesome is it when you see a little white dude compete athletically with big, hulking black guys? The media loves it and you love it. And then assumptions start being made. For example: Peyton Hillis, a white dude. When you think Peyton Hillis, you think hard working, gets the most out of his abilities, team guy, has overcome lots of adversity. But how do you know that Peyton Hillis works hard and is this awesome dude? For all we know, he could've had a private running back coach since age 7 and be a complete asshole.

Also, people act as if white people aren't as athletic as black people, as if black people have some extra muscles or something, which was something believed "back in the day," or that white people have to outwork black people in order to make it in sports. Which should be easy to do because they're dumb and lazy. Why don't people talk about Arian Foster? It's ironic that the dude's name is "Arian" and he is black and this post is about racism. Foster is not only better than Hillis, but had to overcome way more adversity. Foster was undrafted, and he had to spend most of his first season on the practice squad, which meant he went to every practice and didn't have the luxury of going on IR if he had gotten hurt. If he had, he would have been cut. I recently heard a white analyst on ESPN say, "Peyton Hillis: America's running back." Why isn't Foster "America's running back"? He has overcome adversity and worked hard. Oh yeah, he's not white.

We've already talked about one black quarterback, but let's talk about some others. It is really strange to me when people say that there are no good black quarterbacks because they run too much and get hurt. This is untrue. Nobody seemed to have a problem when Steve Young ran the ball. Young ran for 4,239 yards in 169 games in his career. Donovan McNabb has run for 3,400 yards in 161 games. Yet there is always a problem when McNabb tucks the ball and run, or when Michael Vick does it, or Warren Moon or really anyone with lots of melanin in their skin.

Speaking of Vick, why doesn't he get the same protection as Manning or Brady when it comes to late hits or helmet-to-helmet hits? An analyst on Fox said that Vick doesn't get the same protection because he leaves the pocket and refs think of him as a runner. It's basically as if they are saying that if you don't play QB the way white people play, we aren't going to help you out.

Sports in general are racist, and this post only scratches the surface. Now I need to write about lighter topics. Maybe I'll break down another 1990s movie like Blank Check or First Kid (I love Sinbad). Anyway, racism isn't cool man.

Pat the Intern

Madden '11 - A Thorough Breakdown

I haven't played any of the Madden games in a long time for a variety of reasons. I suck at them, the play calling is absolutely baffling to me, I am terrible at them, and they aren't fun due to my high level of sucktitude. But other people in my family like them, so I get to see them in action. Which means that I can criticize them! Let's look at this year's game together, shall we?

Major problem #1 - One of the announcers in this game is Cris Collinsworth. It isn't enough that I have to put up with his nonsense all year during one primetime game every week, but now I have to listen to him during my free time? That is just not cool. Also, every game he claims that each quarterback "can throw as hard as anybody in the league." There has to be some difference between quarterbacks' armstrength. Especially if one of those quarterbacks is Chad "20-yard Hail Mary" Pennington.

Major problem #2 - The wide receivers on your team act like they have no fingers and their hands are completely coated in butter when you play on All-Madden. There is no way Calvin Johnson drops this many passes in a real season. Surprisingly, the computer teams have no such problems. Wait, that's not surprising; it's more computer AI cheating bullshit, which has been present at least since RC Pro-Am back on the NES. Fuck that yellow car.

Minor problem #1 - Speaking of Calvin Johnson, I understand that his full name is "Calvin Johnson Jr.," but he is never referred to as such. Go look at his jersey. As a matter of fact, I'll find it for you since I know how valuable your time is. Does it say "Johnson Jr." on the back of any of them? Definitely not, at least for the first several pages. That means it's really weird that Madden refers to him as Johnson Jr.

Minor problem #2 - I have rarely seen punt coverage players get right in the punt returner's face when he is trying to field a punt, but it happens on every single punt in this game when you don't pick the "punt block" formation. That punt target circle is going to have the returner and at least 2 blockers every punt. For a game that prides itself on realism, this is not acceptable. Strangely, on kickoffs the blockers come back toward the returner and then turn and block without getting in his grill. You know, sort of like real football.

Major problem #3 - The computer cheats. You can throw on 5 straight plays, and then when you call a running play, not only do they have a great run defense called, they also have the defense overloaded exactly at the place where the run is designed to go. That's even worse than screen-watching back in Goldeneye, because at least you could hit your friends for being sneaky bastards. What can you do to a computer opponent to punish them for these transgressions? They don't feel pain or embarrassment, so punching them in the nuts is pointless. And also they don't have nuts. Very unfair.

Well, that about covers my first few reactions to this game. If I come up with anything else, I'l just add it in here and repost this later.

-Jon

Dumb Stats That Shouldn't Be Used (Sports Edition)

I'm no statistician.

In fact, I've taken 2 Stats classes at UMass and went to like 11 of those classes combined. I don't like to show off and get the A. I'll settle for the C sometimes. Anyway, even though I'm not a statistician, I do recognize how dumb some stats are that mainstream sports analysts/casters use. And after this lesson from Pat the Intern, you can too.

Dumb Stat #1: Win-Loss Record

You may think I'm a bitter Jets fan and think I'm only saying this to take a shot at Tom Brady. However, I'm actually a huge New England Patriots fan, and I believe that he is one of the best QBs to ever play the game. However, he is not a great QB because he "wins games." Using a statistic that measures team performance for a person is dumb. There are way too many variables in a football game to give only one person credit. Granted, Tom Brady has more to do with a win for the Patriots than probably anybody else on the team, but he is still on the field less than half the time possession wise when you account for special teams and defense. In baseball, it's even more ridiculous. Pitchers have even less control of the variables involved in a baseball game than QBs do in football. Win-loss records in baseball might as well be called "Lucky Points" since pitchers are completely reliant upon hitting and fielding from other players. Basically they rely on luck and teammates to generate a statistic that measures their individual performance. I remember Kevin Millwood had a sick season: like 2.40 ERA, lots of K's, but he went 8-13 or something because he played for the shitty Indians. I feel bad because he led the league in these pitching categories, but he was not considered for a Cy Young and didn't get a ton of money on the free agent market either. And also I'm too lazy to go look up his numbers from that year.

Dumb Stat #2: Batting Average

Batting Average is dumb for the simple reason that it does not account for walks or hit by pitches. It's as if those at-bats didn't happen. Obviously, OBP [Editor's note - that's On-Base Percentage for our less-informed readers] is the superior stat as it measures the amount of times you didn't make an out. Baseball is a simple binomial experiment. Get on base = success. Get out = failure. Also, there is a lot of luck involved. The difference between a .275 hitter and a .300 hitter is like one hit every 10 days throughout the season. So those 10-12 lucky bloopers some guy randomly got one year make it seem like he had an awesome year hitting. Why don't we just use OBP instead of AVG? It makes way more sense. Because baseball is the worst sport in America.

Dumb Stat #3: Clutch Hitting

The reason why Clutch Hitting is a dumb stat is because it's not even a stat because it can't be quantified. Therefore, there is no such thing as a clutch hitter. There is no agreeable "clutch moment." Seriously, someone tell me what a clutch hit is. I feel like getting a home run in the 3rd inning can be just as clutch as one hit in the 8th. They both count for the same amount. Even if there were a quantified way to determine what clutch is, the sample size would be so small that it would be pointless.

-Pat the Intern

What Should I Do?

What should I do?

Should I admit that I've made mistakes? I would have to make one first.

Should I remind you that I've done this before? Because I haven't. I'm not Brett Favre . . . in the retirement way, not the sending pictures of my dong to sluts who only are famous because they're hot and then get mad at you for only valuing them because of their looks way.

Should I give you a history lesson? Because I'm a history minor. Another aspect of my degree I'll probably never use.

Should I tell you how much fun we had? Well, more like how much fun you had reading my posts.

So . . . this is probably really awkward if you don't know what's going on yet.

Should I really believe I've ruined my legacy? I'm not sure I had a real legacy to ruin. Fuckcockdickballs. That's my legacy.

What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?

Should I go get a tattoo and then proceed to have it removed as some sort of apologetic gesture?

Do you want to see my shiny new shoes? I got them from DSW. They're pretty neat.

Should I just sell shoes? Shiny new shoes? Because I'm not sure I would make a very good shoe salesman. "Can I see these in a size 10?" "No, fuck off."

Should I tell you that I am not a role model? Please, you wish your kids has as much swag as me.

Seriously? What should I do?

Should I tell you that I'm a championship chaser? Because that wouldn't make any sense. That I did it for . . . uhhhhh, no money? For the rings? I hear the Mmmm franchise gives out rings for 1 year of service. I hope mine is the ring of power.

Should I be who you want me to be? That would be me playing by somebody else's rules . . . which I would never do.

Should I accept my role as the villain of Mmmm, opinions? "What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, That's the bad guy. So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth."

Maybe I should just disappear. God dammit, having the ring of power would be awesome.

Should I stop listening to my friends? They really had nothing to do with this blog, or know that it exists. STOP BLAMING THEM YOU MONSTERS!!!

Should I try acting? If that stupid fuck Robert Pattinson can be an actor I could probably do it. Then maybe Anne Hathaway would finally answer one of my letters without "Cease and Desist" at the top.

Should I make you laugh? I probably already do that with my awesome jokes and my quick wit.

Should we just clear the deck and start over? No fucking way, that's like playing "next goal wins" and that's for losers. Next thing you'll say we're all going to get trophies just for trying. Fuck that.

What should I do?

Should I be who you want me to be? Or should I just keep being fucking awesome?

Should I admit I was wrong and ask for forgiveness? Nah, screw that. I'm just going to keep being a fucking dick.

I'm back.

-Slick

Meaningless Graphics

It's Monday Night, 8:20pm, and ESPN is showing players warming up for the Ravens. Here is the graphic:

Joe Flacco 3rd Season (All with Ravens)

All with Ravens? All 3 of them? Three is not a big enough number to use the phrase "all with," especially in regards to a starting QB.

-Pat the Intern

The Pros and Cons of Quitting Your Job

After my hilarious departure from the world of full-time teaching, I was considering trying to find a new teaching job in a new district. . . for about 19 seconds. Then I realized that working is not really my cup of tea. It's now been slightly more than 3 months since the new school year started, and I have come up with a (non-) comprehensive list of all the benefits and issues I've encountered since then.

Pros

Probably the best thing about not having my old job is that I am no longer constantly exposed to mold, so I don't have frequent headaches and respiratory problems. Oh wait, there was no mold in that room, even though the last two teachers to occupy it got sick, and several students got sick, and now the room is vacant. That's just an ironic coincidence. Ok, sarcasm concluded. At any rate, I am a big fan of not being always sick. Good stuff.

Another major upside is that I was able to officiate 10-15 more volleyball matches this season since I didn't have a bunch of stupid bullshit meetings that I had to waste my valuable time going to after school. I was also able to work matches up north since I could start my commute before 2:30 instead of having to wait until all the buses got out of the parking lot. Since volleyball > education, more volleyball and less teaching is obviously a good thing.

In general, being underemployed (I like that expression because it makes me sound like slightly less of a drain on society) is much less stressful than teaching. I used to have to wear that stupid Nightguard when I slept because I was so jacked up and stressed that I was clenching my teeth together hard enough to cause damage. Not anymore! I haven't worn that thing in quite a while, and I haven't had a single headache or toothache. Clearly the problem wasn't with my sleeping habits as much as with my working habits. Good thing I took care of that.

Cons

I would guess that people assume the biggest con is that being a sub/being unemployed pays less than teaching. But just barely! Hey-oooooooooo!!!! In all seriousness, a steady paycheck is nice, but not necessary for an enjoyable life. Money is really just stupid green paper.

Another problem is the lack of health insurance. Not for me, but for the state of Massachusetts which thinks it needs to require that I have health insurance for some purpose that I don't really understand. I wonder if there is a way I can file a lawsuit against the state for requiring me to purchase something I don't want. That would be pretty sweet.

But the biggest downside is that I actually liked the people I used to work with. And now their jobs are that much worse since they don't get a daily dose of my awesomeness. So really, everyone loses. Well, me less than them, since I have all those awesome "Pros" from up above and they don't.

In the end, I would say that if you don't like your job, just quit. There's better options out there, and I don't want to listen to your bitching. And I already hide your stupid Facebook posts about how much your job sucks. Nobody cares.

-Jon

Someone's Not Gonna Like This. . .

Wow, two posts in one day!? Actually, I wrote that last one 2 days ago (which you could probably figure out since I set it up to post at the ungodly hour of 6:21am; I like you guys, just not enough to be writing awesome blog posts for you any time before 10 o'clock), but Pat had sent me something already and I don't like pushing other people out of the top spot until everyone's had a chance to read it. How's that for a run-on sentence? On the other hand, I have no such qualms about pushing out my own stuff, since it's so awesome that you should be searching it out no matter how far down the page it gets.

Have you ever heard of Powermat? It appears to be some sort of. . . mat that wirelessly charges electronic devices such as Blackberries, Droids, iPods, iPhones, iPugs, etc. Sounds interesting, although I don't find myself hating cords enough to invest in it.

Here's their commercial. Well, one of them anyways. Go watch it, or else the rest of this isn't going to make sense.

So how long until people start complaining about this? I'm giving it a week tops before I find a random link to someone's bitching about how the ad is completely inappropriate and juvenile. People are far too sensitive these days. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

-Jon

Please. . . Just Shut Up

As an American male, it's in my blood to like sports. Not literally, as that would probably result in a nasty infection, but in the idiomatic way. Unfortunately, enjoying sports comes with an extremely disturbing and evil catch: announcers. What is the deal with these guys? Somehow you can take a completely normal, high-functioning human being and put him behind a microphone, and the result is like trying to get a pug to pilot an airplane. Disaster!

Now, I have nothing against these guys as people. Probably. But I don't want to have to listen to them talk about sports anymore. Time for some new blood. Hell, let Matt do it. He's knowledgeable about sports. There's no way he'll be worse than some of these clowns.

First on the list is Joe Buck, because this list is temporarily alphabetical, and I have the most vitriol reserved for him. And look, you learned a new word today! I am absolutely fed up with this guy's "and all he's done today is..." shtick. For instance: "Ryan Howard comes to the plate, and all he's done today is go 2 for 3 with 2 doubles and 3 RBIs." Haha, I get it. You're being ironic because 2 for 3 with 2 doubles and 3 RBIs is actually very impressive, and you're making it seem like it's not a big deal. That might have been clever the first time. Or the second. But by the tenth it was getting old. And now every time I hear it, it's the aural equivalent of stabbing myself in the balls with a screwdriver. Plus I also have to listen to it during football season. Enough.

Now for a 2-for-1 (or buy one, get one) of crap: Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. These guys make Sunday Night Baseball practically unwatchable. And unfortunately, ESPN likes putting the Red Sox -Yankees matchups on Sunday Night every time they play. So not only do I have to wait longer for the game to start, I have to listen to these 2 yammer on about God-knows-what for the whole 4+ hours. Luckily, they are out for next season. It only took 11 years. Nice job, ESPN.

Speaking of dynamic duos, no list of annoying sportscasters would be complete without mentioning Jon Gruden and Ron "Jaws" Jaworski. I don't know what poor Mike Tirico did, but unless he's a mass murderer who eats his victims, he does not deserve this. Gruden is absolutely in love with pretty much every single player on the field, and Jaws, as I mentioned on Twitter can't broadcast a game without spending the majority of it verbally slobbing someone's knob (usually the quarterback). Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to block them out the way I block Phil Simms out, who will not make it on this list because Slick already covered his jackassery.

Know who else ruins primetime football? Cris Collinsworth. He says some of the most batshit insane stuff during a game that it makes me wonder if he's watching something completely different. It's baffling.

And, since we try to always have a silver lining here, I will say that I love watching games covered by Orsillo and Remy or Mike and Tommy specifically because Remy and Tommy are so blatantly biased toward the teams I like, namely the Sox and the C's. And yes, I realize that those two are at least as crazy as Collinsworth but guess what? They get a free pass here at Mmmm, opinions. Hey, it's not like you're reading something written by a reasonable person. I'm pretty sure the tagline at the top should have clued you in.

I think I'm probably forgetting some people, and there are some guys whose names I don't actually know, so there's room to revisit this topic in the future. I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat with anticipation.

-Jon

PS - Anyone else think Slick will be coming out of retirement before Christmas?

Christmas Stuff That's Weird to Me

Well, I am back from vacation and ready to get back to work for Mmmm, opinions. I was listening to some Christmas carols the other night, and I came up with some questions/comments. So, let's dive right in.

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is the most horrific song I've ever heard. The song is about an old lady who gets brutally killed by a wild animal. However, the grandson and the grandfather don't seem to be sad about it one bit. In fact, the grandfather goes and plays cards instead of being sad that his wife of many years just died. At the very least this song makes light of a very serious situation. At the most it's a cover-up. The way Grandpa acts during the song makes me wonder if he had something to do with the murder.

Why do we associate snow with Christmas? I've always wondered why. For the most part, only a small percentage of the world is able to have snow on Christmas. Secondly, why would we associate snow with an event involving a child born to a virgin in the Middle East? If we really want to recreate Christmas, we should be wishing for unbearably hot weather.

What is a child going to do with frankincense, myrrh, gold and music? All of these gifts do nothing for a child. Frankly, I don't even know what frankincense and myrrh are. So much for being wise men. They get gifts totally useless to a baby. Maybe diapers or milk, hell, even a teddy bear would've been much better. As for the drummer boy, where the hell did he come from? Seriously, where are this dude's parents, and why does he walk around with a drum all the time?

Black Friday: I hate this term almost as much as Jon [Editor's note - he means Slick] hates when people add "-gate" to the end of words whenever there is a scandal. Black Tuesday was the most devastating stock market crash in US history. So I find it ironic that a day where corporations make tons of money should be called "Black" anything. And it just sounds dumb too. Black Friday is also a racist term. White people in the 1950s began calling it Black Friday because the deals were such a "steal" and black people were considered thieves.

Alright, well that concludes Criticizing Christmasgate.

BONUS HOLIDAY GAME!!!

Find the story that I completely made up!

-Pat the Intern

That Was a Good Show. . .

Remember Chappelle's Show? That was a great show. Not so much the last season, after Dave went crazy and ran off to South Africa, leaving Charlie Murphy and Donnell behind to make awkward comments and show the remaining skits, but the other two seasons. That was classic television. Think of how many awesome skits there were! (I have no idea if these are the actual skit names, but everyone I know that knows the show will know what I'm talking about. And if you don't know them from these names, then you don't know the show, and you suck. Loser.) I was going to post a bunch of links, but I am lazy. Find your own hilarity, mooch.

• Racial Draft - "Will you cut the malarkey? I'm talking! There's a white man talking up here!!"
• Black White Supremacist - This is a family site, so you'll have to hunt this one down on your own. Even I have my limits.
• Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories (Rick James) - "Cocaine is a hell of a drug."
• I Know Black People - Everything that white guy says is hilarious.
• Popcopy - "A lot of people ask, 'Why? Why treat the customer this way?' Why? Cause fuck 'em, that's why."
• Wu-Tang Financial - "Diversify yo' bonds!"
• Black George Bush - Anything with a character named "Some Black Guy" is a winner.
• Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories (Prince) - "Shoot the J. Shoot it."
• Keeping It Real Goes Wrong - "Unfortunately, they kept it realer."
• The Real World - "Correction. I had sex with Katie."
• Reparations - "I bought this baby, straight cash."
• everything with Wayne Brady - "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"
• The Niggar Family - "I know how you Niggars are when it comes to paying bills."
• Samuel Jackson Beer - "Good motherfuckin' choice motherfucker!"
• that fake Sesame Street with the puppets - Go watch it. It's all good.

Now instead of that classic television, we have a load of absolute crap like Glee and American Idol and whatever that new show is where people drop money down a chute. I hate people.

-Jon

An Open Letter

Dear Ludlow, All of Western Massachusetts, and Mmmm, opinions Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted last month, is no longer an Mmmm, opinions blogger.

This was announced with a zero day, narcissistic (maybe), self-promotional paragraph culminating with a short post about his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of blogging and probably the history of barely read blog entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the editor and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your favorite opinionated blog have not betrayed you nor EVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks (and months and years!!), we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much (well, not really, but whatever) and deserve so much more (ok, probably not, but just go with it).

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT MMMM, OPINIONS WILL WIN A PULITZER PRIZE (OR WHATEVER THEY GIVE TO INTERNET BUFFOONS) BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'SLICK' WINS ONE."

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the. . . uh, trophy/plaque/certificate/whatever, to my bookcase, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. Not really sure what this has to do with anything, but I wanted to make sure you knew the rules.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "angry one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on. . . uh, blogs? Who knows.

The self-declared former "Slick" will be taking the "curse" with him down the hall. To his bedroom. And until he does "right" by Mmmm, opinions and Pat the Intern, Slick (and the blog where he writes/curses) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Internet.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the entertainment you have long deserved (again, not really) and is long overdue (yeah, sorry I haven't been writing for a little while; my B, yo)....

Jon

Majority Writer

Mmmm [nouns] Franchise

Criticizing Stuff I Know Nothing About

There are certain things in the world I know nothing about, but hate. If you don't understand something, it is perfectly reasonable to not like it and/or criticize it. Here is a list of things I know nothing about, don't understand, and hate.

Glee - Having never been an 11-year old girl, High School Musical doesn't appeal to me. Oh wait, I forgot we are talking about Glee. I don't blame myself since they are essentially the same thing. I'm tired of these types of shows/movies trying to make singing in the high school chorus or whatever they sing in cool. First of all, the sets on this show where they sing are ridiculous, and no school could ever afford them. Secondly, not one of the cast members is even in high school. Lastly, singing in the high school chorus isn't cool.

Vampire Shows - What's worse: the fact that networks are lazy, unoriginal and recycle the same themes over and over, or that we keep watching it? Vampires are heartless, cold, undead, brutal murderers. They have no feelings. They are not handsome. They don't function in normal society. They also make for sucky movies and TV shows. (Except Buffy, that show is actually pretty cool.)

Jersey Shore - If this is what is considered attractive now, I'm going to choose to be gay.

UFC - I only like sports with pre-determined outcomes. That's why I only watch professional wrestling and the NBA.

The Birther Movement - A couple of things. 1) Barack Obama posted his birth certificate online in 2008. The Birthers want the "long" version or whatever it's called AS WELL AS Obama's college transcripts. There is a certain level of privacy one should be able to expect. If anything, I would like to see George W. Bush's high school transcript. Fuck college; I can't believe that guy got past high school. 2) A few years ago when Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California, Republicans were trying to amend the Constitution so that people born outside of the USA could become president. How many of these Republicans do you think are in the Birther movement?

The "Impending" Zombie Apocalypse - Look, I get it. Walking Dead is a pretty good show. However, can we stop with the Zombie Apocalypse doomsday scenarios? There are literally books called How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse and I've seen posters named "Zombie Survival Guide" that give advice on how to survive zombie attacks. There is not going to be a zombie apocalypse. I really wish there would be one though, because I'm sure Glee fans would die first.

-Pat the Intern

Random Thoughts

Now that we have waited the requisite 3 days to mourn Slick's abandonment of his duty, it's time to get back to business. And no, Pat, you can't have Slick's parking spot. I am going to take it, along with mine, by parking diagonally like those ass-hats in pretty much every parking lot that has ever existed.

During this past high school volleyball season, I had a lot of matches in distant locations (i.e. Franklin Country), which led to a lot of driving and subsequently a lot of time to formulate random thoughts about fairly silly topics. Hey, there's not a whole lot of action on 91 once you get past Northampton, so my brain is free to ponder the unimportant things in life. I will try to avoid hot-button issues like orange popsicles this time.

I don't understand why vampires are so intelligent and classy while zombies are basically brain dead hillbillies. They're both undead. And since zombies are clearly the next big thing now that Twilight has pretty much ruined vampires for the next 5 years, I think someone needs to come up with a zombie movie that doesn't have zombies wandering around pointlessly and attempting to eat everything non-zombified. Maybe a movie where the zombies are actually the good guys! A guy can dream, right?

Why can't I run diagonally with the Pegasus Boots? I can walk horizontally, vertically and diagonally, but I can only run horizontally and vertically? That doesn't make any sense. Quit jerking me around, Link.

I won a fleece vest the other day. I don't really have any idea when I'm going to wear it though. I guess if I ever want my core to be warm, but I'm angry at my arms and want them to suffer, I have the proper attire.

Stop signs and yield signs are different. Aren't they? I realize that they're both red and white, but they have different words and different shapes, so I have always assumed they signify different things. And even if they don't, you still shouldn't drive through either one when it might lead to you hitting me while I have the right of way. That's right, guy-in-the-gray-SUV-talking-on-your-cell-phone-and-generally-being-a-jerk, I saw you try to blow that stop sign. Nice try.

In the same vein, crosswalks are different from regular pavement. A good rule of thumb is that crosswalks are generally yellow with white borders or a series of parallel white line segments. If you look down, and don't see this, you are not in a crosswalk. Which means that if you are wearing all dark clothes and it's nighttime, you might want to find a crosswalk and not just arbitrarily start crossing the road without looking behind you. Otherwise, you might get hit by a car, like that person I saw almost get hit the other day. Also, the sidewalk, as its name suggests, is a better place to walk than the road. There are far fewer cars driving on the sidewalk, which will also increase your odds of survival. Just here to help.

I don't own many hardcover books. Probably because they cost more than paperbacks, and I'm a cheap bastard. But they are better for hiding money in, so maybe I'll have to acquire more. And please don't come to my house and go through all my hardcovers. There's no money hidden in them yet.

If you pass me on the highway, and then pull in front of me, and then go slower than I'm going, I should be allowed to shoot you. In the leg. With a harpoon. I assume that if you pass me, you want to go faster than I am going (which is usually 65 with the cruise control set). Thus, it doesn't make sense for you to move in front of me and drive 60. If 65 is not fast enough, then 60 can't be fast enough either, as 60 < 65. So cut the crap.

I don't think that there's any form of communication lower than anonymous commenting on a website. If you want to read the most idiotic, racist, intolerant, and otherwise offensive stuff in the world, just read comments. Not here, of course, as we don't have a large enough reader base to generate that kind of jackassery. But at any major website, it's just awful.

Well, that's it for now. The high school season ended today, but Kate still lives way up near Vermont, so there will still be plenty of opportunities for me to think of ways to try to fix the world. Or at least make fun of it.

-Jon

Slick's Retirement

You read correctly, this will be the last offering from the Big Slick Dog. We've had a lot of good times here, but it's time for me to retire "Slick". There are a lot of moments in life, most of which are insignificant and pointless. Kind of like one of my posts. Boom, self roasted. But every once in a while you realize that it's time to make a change to who you are and what you do. So I bid a fond farewell to our dedicated readers. I hope you enjoyed my writing as much as I hope you did. That's a confusing sentence that probably doesn't make any sense, but really it was at the forefront of everything I wrote.

-Slick

The Story of How Nickelback Came To Be

Editor's note - Please sue Pat, and not me. Thanks Canada.

Two executives at Warner Bros were watching Game 4 of the 1995 World Series and had a couple of drinks. One executive, Johnny Fremont, said, "The people that listen to and buy music are idiots. Our company could make anybody famous." His friend and fellow executive, John C. Calhoun, said, "No way! People are smart and wouldn't buy or listen to music that sucked." So, as the Braves polished off a 5-2 win to take a 3-1 World Series lead, Fremont said, "I'll make you a bet. I bet you I can find the most generic, lame, non-entertaining band in the world and make them successful." Calhoun replied, "You're on!" They shook hands and bet "the usual amount."

Fremont searched America for years, looking for shitty bands. In his autobiography How I Helped Ruin Music: The Story of Nickelback, he describes how he particularly liked the challenge of Papa Roach. Just when Fremont was about to sign Papa Roach, thinking they were the shittiest band he was going to find, he walked in a Canadian bar in Hanna, Alberta, Canada. Fremont explains, "The only reason I was going to the bar was because I was out of drugs. I walk into this place, and I was stunned to hear how generic, awful and not entertaining this band was." The band was a young Nickelback. The more Fremont listened, the more he was horrified. He thought to himself, "If I can make this band successful, I will win a Rambo lunchbox from Johnny."

One day in 1999, Fremont came into the office smiling. Calhoun asked him what the deal was. Fremont explained how he had found the worst band ever and was going to make them successful and win the bet. Calhoun responded, "Oh yeah, let's hear them." After listening to only 4 songs, Calhoun couldn't take it anymore. He vomited all over Fremont and blacked out. When Calhoun awoke, he was in a state of shock. "I don't understand how a band could have such lame lyrics and be so untalented," he said. "We can't give this band a contract; we'll lose our jobs!" However, Fremont had a plan. "I'll take full responsibility for the band," he said. "I already have a plan. First, we make radio stations play Nickelback at least 55 times a day. Then we will pay influential people so that they say Nickelback is good. Americans will do whatever famous people tell them to do. Next, we talk to our friend Clay Henry over at the movie studio and make him put Nickelback on every movie soundtrack. Finally, we make the radio stations play them 100 times a day!! And, completely unrelated to this, I saw this asexual man named Ryan Seacrest on a game show and he was truly awful. I want an idea for a show combining him with shitty music sung by regular people. Don't worry, I'll find a way to make the show popular."

With this foolproof plan, Fremont jumped into action. First, Nickelback was on the radio. Then they had a song on the Spiderman soundtrack. Then Ryan Seacrest had his own radio show and he was playing Nickelback. The general public began consuming Nickelback at an ungodly rate. They didn't like it at first, but it slowly became intolerable, and, combining the influence of a hit movie, Ryan Seacrest and millions of radio plays, all of a sudden people started to actually like it. Nickelback had become the second best foreign selling act in American history. (Behind The Beatles. Thanks America. There is a list out there that has Nickelback right behind The Beatles. Or, as Slick would say, RIGHT BEHIND THE FUCKING BEATLES!!)

John C. Calhoun went into a state of depression as Nickelback became more and more popular. He took his own life August 1, 2007, stating, "Wow, this music sucks. I don't want to live anymore. And I don't know why I bet on Cleveland in the 1995 World Series. But come on America, Nickelback?? What the fuck? Ok, I'm going to die now." Fremont knew he had unleashed a monster. Over the next few years, music executives, instead of looking for talented bands, followed Fremont's lead and started churning out shitty bands like Daughtry, Snow Patrol and Plain White T's. Calhoun's death is what drove Fremont to write his autobiography. This autobiography predicts an ominous future if we keep allowing shitty bands like Nickelback to be played on the radio.

This is only a summary of the story of Fremont's book and the story of Nickelback, but I urge you all to read the book and to write to your radio stations demanding that Nickelback not be played anymore.

-Pat the Intern

The Top 5 Party Games

Editor's note - If you play any of the games listed below, you do so at your own risk. Nobody at Mmmm, opinions (or it's Mmmm sister sites) are in any way responsible if you hurt yourself being stupid. Do not try these things at home; we are trained professionals.

Being an intern here at Mmmm, opinions is a thankless job. Long hours, no pay, and Slick constantly questioning your sexuality are just some of the challenges associated with the job. However, when i can get out of the office (located next to the old theater in Gary, IN), I like to party. And when I party, I like to play some games. After playing dozens and dozens of games, I have compiled a list of the top 5.

I recommend all of them.*

5. The Case Race

The Case Race is a great way to start off the night or a great way to embarrass kids from Westfield State College who think they can outdrink you. The game is simple: you and a partner drink 24 beers before the other team. Some people mistake a case of beer for a 30-pack of beer. Those people are always in for an interesting night.

4. Whiskey Slaps

A Slick favorite. Whiskey Slaps is a game played between two people. You take a shot of whiskey, and your partner slaps you. To make the game interesting, Pat the Intern and his friends only play men vs. women. Three of the women slapped during this game have slept with the guy who slapped them that night. That last sentence is both scary and really true.

3. Phone Swap

Put your phone on the table. Pick up someone else's phone. For the next hour, you hold the power to ruin someone's life. Some popular texts include texting parents that they are gay, texting ex-boyfriends/girlfriends and saying that they are still in love with them, or simply tossing the phone out the window.

2. Gamble Your Dignity

Gamble Your Dignity is a game where a person holds two dice. That person then picks someone else playing and says, "if I roll X, you have to do Y." The game is best played at parties where you don't know the people playing, because then you can make the classic GYD bet: if I roll a 7, you have to put all the silverware in this house down your pants. Which has been successful 3 times. Here is a sample of bets made:

• If I roll a 2, you have to date your ex-girlfriend again (who sucked)
• If I roll a 10, you can't watch March Madness this year
• If I roll an 8, you have to give a girl of my choice at the next party we go to a love letter that I wrote. And you can't read it beforehand.

1. Fire!

This game should only be played once.** It is the simplest of all games. You light an article of clothing you're currently wearing on fire and can't put it out until you chug a beer. However, if it is determined you drank your beer too fast, you can't put the fire out until you get someone else to drink their beer. Usually someone will put the fire out before anybody gets burned, but hey; you could have friends who hate you.

So there you have it. I have personally played or have heard of all these games being played, and they are loads of fun.***

Until next time, this is Pat the Intern.

-Pat the Intern

* I do not recommend that anyone play these games.

** This game should never be played.

*** Fire! is not fun at all, but it is a real game. I promise.

The Goonies is. . .

overrated.

Ooooh, what a blasphemous start to this post.

In case you have spent a good portion of your life living in a cave or under a rock or Wyoming, The Goonies is an 80s cult classic that, for some reason, everyone I know loves. But it's not that great, even though it stars Samwise Gamgee and one of the Coreys. Look, I know the difference between good and bad movies. I've paid to see Girl, Interrupted (slept through it) and Mona Lisa Smile (made out through it and then left early). I've seen Crossroads, which is an abomination with Britney Spears as its star. This isn't my first time to the rodeo.

My main problem with this movie is that 80% of the movie is screaming kids. I recently learned that crying babies actually register higher on the decibel scale than a motorcycle. I am going to equate crying babies and screaming kids, so basically watching this movie is the equivalent of raping your eardrums for 114 minutes. In addition, scientists have determined that while kids in general kind of suck, screaming kids are actually 23,186 times worse than non-screaming ones. It's science.

Also, the pirate whose treasure the kids are trying to find is One-Eyed Willie. Which means the kids are looking for penis treasure. How is that a fond childhood memory?

So why is this movie so popular? Nostalgia. That is a surprisingly powerful memory impacter. (PS - I am shocked that impacter is an actual word.) For instance, I pretty much love every song from the early and mid 90s, regardless of quality. Also, my favorite games are almost all on the Super Nintendo, which means they are 15+ years old. My favorite Terry Pratchett book is Thief of Time. Why? Because it's the first one I read. So people love The Goonies because they remember it from their childhood.

Nostalgia is especially effective in this case, because there are some classic moments in this film. The Truffle Shuffle is hilarious, especially when you can get a chubby kid to do it. And "Sloth love Chunk" will always be one of the top movie lines. And what kid didn't want to find a treasure map and a bunch of gold and jewels when they were a kid? But overall, this movie's actual quality as compared to remembered quality skews heavily toward the latter.

Sorry for ruining your childhood. At least you're more educated now.

Also, apparently this month is Rip On Random Movies Month.

-Jon

True Lies may be. . .

the most ridiculous movie every made, even by ridiculous action-movie standards.

This movie is great, as long as you don't take it too seriously. Once you do, you end up with a long list of ridiculous things that are straight up laughable. I may continually switch up between character names and real-life names strictly to mess with you. Harry is Arnold Schwarzenegger, Albert is Tom Arnold, Helen is Jamie Lee Curtis. Or maybe I won't, and that last sentence was just to throw you off. Maybe you should have watched the movie, slacker. Also, these are completely out of plot order.

• Harry has a tuxedo on underneath scuba attire, but it isn't wrinkled at all. If I even look at my suit, it gets wrinkles.
• Harry punches out the window of the car without injuring himself or even cutting his hand.
• Harry steals a $35 million jet, immediately smashes a police car with it, and no one even tries to stop him.
• Helen somehow becomes an agent of Omega Sector at the end of the movie, despite having no skills other than. . . nope, nothing.
• Harry's daughter is kidnapped and not immediately killed. Movie terrorists are not go-getters.
• Harry's daughter steals the arming key for the bomb, and runs higher up the building instead of going to the ground floor. Most buildings have their exits at street level, not roof level.
• Harry rescues Helen from an out-of-control speeding car via helicopter.
• Token Evil Arab jumps a motorcycle off the roof of a hotel into the pool of the building across the street and only suffers wet clothes as a result.
• Harry was going to try to follow him. With a horse.
• Harry rides a horse fast enough to keep up with a motorcycle.
• Harry rides a horse through a hotel and up the elevator.
• You know what, the whole horse scene.
• Tom Arnold is trusted with government secrets. He married Roseanne!!
• Harry, now piloting the stolen Harrier jet, shakes the Token Evil Arab off the wing so that he catches on a missile and then fires the missile (and him) into more Evil Arabs flying a helicopter.
• Token Evil Arab has four nuclear missiles, and wastes one blowing up an uninhabited island just to prove he has them.
• Harry gets smashed in the head twice with a hotel room phone, which knocks him to the floor. However, he is perfectly fine the next second. He should have to pass a concussion test before he's allowed back to fight terrorists.
• Helen drops a gun (an Uzi, I believe) down the stairs which causes it to start firing, yet none of the bullets go in her direction.
• Alright, every action sequence in the movie is ridiculous.

There's probably (as in definitely) other things as well, but these are some of the most memorable. That Arnold Schwarzenegger; he sure likes killing people.

-Jon

The NCAA is. . .

pretty much Communism (the bad kind).

Cam Newton did the right thing. . . if he took the money of course. To all the indentured servants, otherwise known as college basketball and college footfall athletes, take as much money as you can because the NCAA makes billions of dollars off you. If you think that athletes shouldn't be paid, well then you're a COMMUNIST too. Yup, a red-flag waving, China supporting, Barack Obama loving, Willy Wonka Communist. And here is why.

NCAA Revises History

The most entertaining reason why the NCAA is Communist is that they revise history just like every other Communist country. When an athlete gets caught taking money, the NCAA literally goes into the record books and makes it as if the athlete never existed. This is similar to what the Soviet Union did under Joe Stalin. They would literally erase people from history. Oh, and remember Tiananmen Square? Because the Chinese don't. Why not? Because the government erased it from their history. Does anyone at USC care that Reggie Bush is erased from the record books? No. It's not like all of the sudden USC fans and students are going to forget how awesome it was to have some dude run for like 200 yards a game and help win a national title. Here's an NCAA fun fact: Robert Parish officially never played college basketball! Robert Parish went to Centenary for 4 years, but the school was on probation and was not allowed to keep stats.

NCAA Does Not Pay a Decent Wage

As in Communism, the workers don't get paid well. In fact, in this version of Communism, they don't get paid at all! Do not tell me that the athletes are getting paid in education. D1 FBS players and D1 college basketball players go to school to play sports. Do you think Matt Leinart went to USC because of their awesome business school? Did Joe Forte go to North Carolina because of the cool professors in the art department? No, and yeah, that's right, Joe Forte, former UNC Tarheel and Celtics 1st round draft pick. Anyway, the NCAA signs billion dollar [TV] contracts, and gives the workforce 0 dollars from it. That can't even be argued. The NCAA directly gives zero dollars to the people whom they make their money off of.

NCAA is Not Fair

Jeremy Bloom was a skier and a football player. Bloom was not allowed to play football anymore because he took money from a ski sponsor. Not only did that have nothing to do with football, Bloom was essentially punished for making money without the NCAA getting a cut. Scholarships are also only 1-year deals. The NCAA allows a school to release an athlete from their scholarship for pretty much any reason. So if you play well, you don't make any money. However, if you play poorly, you can theoretically lose your room, board and education? That doesn't seem fair to me.

The NCAA could work if it only governed sports that don't make money, such as Cross Country, Field Hockey, Bowling, Swimming, etc. However, can we stop pretending that football and basketball student-atheletes are students first and athletes second? In reality, we should be calling them athlete-students. As a matter of fact, that's what I'm calling them from now on, and every time I use the word I'm going to get weird looks unless it's someone who reads this. Because people are afraid of change.

Bonus Fact: The word "amateur," as applied to sport, was created by the upper class in Great Britain as a way to create class distinction. The upper class felt as though the lower class wasn't worthy enough to compete with them, so they popularized the term in regards to lower class "athletes."

-Pat the Intern

Phil Simms is . . .

a huge jackass. But if you've ever watched a football game you already know this. My particular problem with Simmy-boy this week, other than his normal jackassery, is that he loves speaking in absurd hypotheticals. Let me explain.

During the Eagles-Colts game in which we were dazzled by the continued genius of Simms' commentary, he was talking about how Michael Vick appears to be a much better passer when he takes a deep dropback because he's not that tall for a quarterback and it gives him a better view of the field. Ok, I can believe that.

But then Phil drops some of the classic made-up stories he's known for. He said, "I hear people saying that Michael Vick doesn't like having pressure in his face. Well no kidding. You show me a quarterback who likes having pressure in his face." Really? Really, Phil? Show me these people who would say something that stupid. "Durrrrrr, that Mike Vick is a better quarterback when he's not getting tackled while he throws it." Thanks for that valuable insight, you fucktard. And here we come to the central outline of Phil Simms' commentary: it starts with Phil making up some absurd statement that nobody would ever say followed by Big Phil saying how ridiculous this made up statement is. And the reason Phil gets away with making an ass out of himself every week? Because he used to play in the National Football League.

This is the problem with pretty much every single commentator that was a former player: you can't possibly know more about their sport because you didn't play it. There's an article over on deadspin.com titled, "My Uncomfortable Encounter with an Angry Joe Morgan" that says it much better than I could. Essentially it comes down to two main points: with a former athlete commentator, you're going to get insight into certain behind the field things that you just can't know unless you've been there. On the other hand, you're going to get some jackass who thinks he knows more about the sport because he played it and you're just some joe-schmo who doesn't know anything. Well, former MMMMOpinion contributor Matt probably knows more about basketball than anyone and he managed to accomplish that without a successful NBA career.

Oh, and that fucker Ron Jaworski should go fuck himself. What an arrogant asshole. Him and Gruden make Monday Night Football practically unwatchable.

-Slick

Michael Jordan. . .

kind of sucks.

Just because Michael Jordan was a great basketball player and a great clutch shooter and a great dunker and a terrible baseball player and has cool shoes and owns the Charlotte Bobcats and starred in a movie with cartoon characters and Danny DeVito and was in a mediocre video game, people think he's a good guy. Well, he's not; he actually kind of sucks. Here's why:

1. He cheats on his wife. This doesn't even bother me anymore. Guys with power and opportunity are going to sleep with tons of women. However, I'll put this in here for all you young romantics out there who think otherwise.

BONUS: BLOG WITHIN A BLOG!

Big Time Athletes (and Jason Varitek) Cheat on Their Wives by Pat the Intern

There comes a time in an athlete's life when he chooses to cheat on his wife. Here is a small sample of men who have done that:

• Jason Varitek
• Allen Iverson
• Tiger Woods
• Michael Jordan
• Steve McNair
• Shaquille O'Neal
• Alex Rodriguez
• Brett Favre
• Kobe Bryant

Pat the Intern is assigning homework to all (Editor's note - both) the Mmmm, opinions loyal readers out there. The assignment is to go out and find more athletes who cheat on their wives. It's easy; I found these 9 by typing in "athletes who cheat on their wives" into Google and picking the nine most famous (except Jason Varitek. I just threw him in there because everyone in New England immortalizes him. In reality, he is a below-average catcher who cheats on his wife with female sideline reporters. Kudos to Tek though; Heidi Watney is pretty hot.). In fact, it is said that around 80% of professional athletes cheat on their wives!

This concludes the blog within the blog.

2. He is a jerk to his fans. I'm sure by now you have all heard the Chamillionaire/Michael Jordan story. Oh, you haven't? Well, here it is. And for those of you too lazy to click the link, rapper Chamillionaire asked to take a picture with Jordan. Jordan said, "I don't take pictures with niggas." Chamillionaire, confused, said, "I just paid $7,000 for your jersey at a charity event." Jordan replied, while laughing, "Tell you what. Give me $15,000 right now and I'll let you take a picture with me."
3. Gambling problems. Jordan is notorious for his gambling problems. In the book Michael and Me: Our Gambling Addiction... My Cry for Help, this real estate guy talks about how Jordan lost over a million dollars to him in golf. It also highlights how Jordan lost like $50,000 to a convicted cocaine dealer in poker. Maybe instead of working on his jump shot, he should've been working on his poker face! ZING!
4. The only thing about basketball he's good at is playing it. The Washington Wizards can thank Jordan for drafting Kwame Brown. They can also thank him for the brilliant trade in which the Wizards got Jerry Stackhouse for Richard Hamilton. These moves led directly to the zero championships the Wizards have compiled over the last 10 years.
5. He is a bitter asshole. Did you hear his Hall of Fame speech? Oh, you didn't? Well, here it is. What a weird speech. He just goes down a list of people he has grudges against. Honestly, who cares that Doug Collins didn't want you to play in the summer league? And even more honestly, who cares about the dude who made the varsity team over you like 32 years ago? Let it go, man. You didn't need to take a shot at the guy either; it's not like it was his choice to put himself on the team over you.

An honorable mention to the fact that he's a bad teammate. He would often yell at the GM and his teammates, and go gambling the night before a playoff game until well after midnight. Anyway, Michael Jordan kind of sucks, and no one should buy his shoes or his Space Jam posters anymore.

-Pat the Intern