Holy Crap!

This is especially timely after Slick's recent posts. You should probably go check this out if you have any memories of playing Nintendo. If you don't have said memories, why do I hang out with you? Either way, I'll wait until you come back.

Did you see it? Did you PLAY it? How crazy is that? Personally, I prefer Mega Man and the guy from Contra (Spread Gun rules everything), but I also gave Link a try for a level, and then, for whatever reason, tried to get Samus not to suck terribly. Why do her bullets or laser pulses or whatever they are just stop? Poor Simon Belmont didn't get a turn yet (how can a whip be better than guns for Goomba annihilation?), and I didn't really see any point in using Mario since he had many chances during my childhood and always got stuck at 8-3. You suck, Mario.

I wish there was a way to play it with a real controller, because I just can't get my brain to successfully use my left hand for jumping and shooting instead of moving around. I have been playing these games for over 20 years (wow!), and the D-pad or joystick is always on the left. Always! NES? Left. SNES? Left. Playstation, PS2 and PS3? Left! N64 and Gamecube? Left!! Wii doesn't count. Hmm, I've possessed a lot of consoles. But more to the point: why must you taunt me, computer keyboard!??

I managed to make it through the first 5 levels before I got pissed off. Like Slick mentioned, this stuff is frustratingly awesome. Next time I am taking the warps though, because who the fuck plays video games normally? We use cheats! Warps are for hardcore motherfuckers!!

That was a really long (and unnecessarily so) link to one of the funniest videos ever made about Super Mario Bros. 2. Go watch that while I go drink beer.

-Jon

Old School vs. Nu Skool Part II: This Time It's Biblical

In a post that shattered the MMMM Opinion record for comments, (TWO!! TWO COMMENTS) it appears that Slick's return to the blog was quite popular. I also got an email referring to my post so the word got around. However, the two comments were from my dad and Jon and the email was from Chris so . . . ummm . . . yeah. Nevertheless, if I can bring a smile to my family isn't it all worth it?

Checking in on my arbitrary categories and scoring system I believe I had Old School taking Difficulty and Lasting Appeal while Nu Skool took Visuals despite the fact I mentioned nothing about graphics. I'll have to check with our resident math teacher but I believe that puts the score at 2-1. These scores account for .5% of the final verdict so the game is still completely wide open. Everyone knows that the bikini contest is where the crown is won or lost. ON WITH THE OPINIONS!

Likelihood of Being Pissed Off
A similar category to degree of difficulty, this one is slightly different because you probably don't wont to win it. Because I hate being pissed off. And MLB 2009 The Show, I'm talking specifically about you. I have no problem with games being challenging. I mentioned yesterday that I enjoyed playing the Megaman games, but while they're challenging there's nothing too cheap about them. That's why you feel great when you beat them. When I play MLB 2009 The Show I need to control myself so I don't whip my controller across the room a la my Archangel action figure I had when I was 6. Turns out those wings didn't make him fly. But if I aim a fastball down and in and then execute the pitch meter perfectly, there's no way Josh Hamilton should be able to crush a 3 run homerun that travels like 480 feet. That's absolute bullshit. So while I was annoyed when I spent 20 minutes trying to defeat Quickman, I was annoyed at myself because I was being stupid. When Tim Lincecum gives up his 4th home run of the game even though I'm doing everything right, that's his fucking fault. Also, how is it that the outfielders get to every fucking fly ball unless it's a homerun? It's the rookie level. It shouldn't be this hard.

Advantage: Old Skool. But that's based solely on the fact that I currently hate The Show.

Quality Game Percentage
This category goes to the system with the higher likelihood of having a good game were I to pick a game at random. Hypothetically speaking. If you went to either of those websites I gave you yesterday, you'll see that there's probably a thousand nintendo games . . . most of which are absolutely terrible. On the other hand, the PS3 turns out its fair share of shit, including, and I'm not making this up, Hannah Montana: the Movie: the Game. I can only assume that it's just awful. So while there are still crapfests out there, I would have to think that nothing is as terrible as the oft mentioned blog favorite: Milon's Secret Castle. Most games that come out now have to be at least playable right?

Advantage: Nu Skool?

Music/Sound Effects
The music from the Megaman games and Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy will always be classics and I'm shocked at what they were able to do with limited sounds and technology, especially on the NES. It's a weird combination of really high pitched noises, and if you've ever played one of these games you know what I'm talking about even though I sound like a fucktard. (Brief aside here because it literally just happened. I had the Colbert Report on in the background while I was writing this and since my ears function normally I had the volume at a reasonable level- about 12 on my tv so you have a point of reference. My roommate, who was in the other room writing a paper, decided to have a bowl of cereal and join me but decided I wasn't watching the commercials loud enough, so he turned the volume up to 22 That's fucking unreasonable. You never touch a white man's television. And don't change the fucking channel. I'm sitting right here, just fucking ask me. Also, please stop sticking your hands down your pants when I'm in the same room. Adjusting is perfectly acceptable but anything over 5 seconds is playing with yourself. Not that you read this blog. Cause that's "unamurrican." Shithead.) Getting back on track the music from classic old school games was awesome. But the stuff they do now is just crazy. Every Final Fantasy game has like a composer and the music is unbelieveable. And the sound effects? I really feel like I shot all those hookers in GTA IV. I'm not share where they got the sound effects for that though. I like Old School music but they're not taking this category.

Advantage: Nu Skool

Final Verdict: The moment we've been waiting for since yesterday. But first, I must be honest, I delayed the verdict because I was hoping I could come up with some better categories. But you still enjoyed reading it right? So my final verdict is that I'm going to cop out here. They're both awesome in their own respects, but that's kind of a bitch move so I'm going to specify it. If you told me that I could only have one of these to play for the rest of my life, I'm going to pick Nu Skool because there's always new stuff coming out. But, if you told me I could only play my favorite games of all time, I would be picking the Old School. So, I strung you along for two days to tell you that.

Suckers.

-Slick

Old School vs. Nu Skool

In a move that's sure to shock the MMMM Opinion world I, Slick, have commandeered Jon's format of the Thing vs. Thing comparison. Commandeered . . . it's a nautical term. Not only that but I hijacked that sweet title from an old ESPN segment. It used to be some sort of weird bullshit where Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith would yell at each other about something, probably because one of them is black and the other one is old. In any case, if two jackasses can be paid to run their mouths then why can't those jackasses be me and Jon? "But wait," you say, "Isn't this a three person blog?" In theory, yes. But even after having Netflix for like a year, and I know for a fact that he watched Gangs of New York this week, he still won't write anything. Oh come on. Don't worry if your post isn't funny . . . Jon still writes all the time. Boom, roasted. But in all seriousness, Jon put this blog on his back this month. And I know you people depend on this blog in order to provide you with brief respites from your otherwise crappy lives. Which is why I'm ashamed of my last post. I'm going to pretend that last one didn't happen and I'll try to be better from now on. So please, make sure your safety bar is secure and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. By the way, Old School vs. Nu Skool of course refers to video games. It's going to be Nintendo/Super Nintendo vs. PS3.

Also, as a dedicated reader, let's call him "Christopher Garfield Dias, second son of Albert and Nancy, born February 5th, 1984 and current resident of 98 Dartmouth Street, Boston MA" pointed out, the name of this blog could accurately be changed to MMMM Rage. In that vein, I'll try to keep this post as rage free as possible.

Visuals
Could the Nintendo score a surprise upset? I'm confident in saying that Milon from his eponymous Secret Castle is the most realistic human ever found in a video game. He's just so life-like the way he runs around . . . shooting bubbles at . . . all sorts of weird shit. It's been said before but it deserves repeating: No game, ever, makes less sense than Milon's Secret Castle. At no point in that game do you receive any instructions or sense of purpose. They don't even tell you how you beat each room. I think you're supposed to find a key and a secret door or something. No one really knows. There's a video online of some guy beating it, but he must have cheated because there's no way that game is beatable. Old School games had a tendency to assume you knew what was going on even without explaining it. Like in Final Fantasy, which is one of my favorite games ever, some guy is like "Oh yeah, you should go to Crescent Lake." That's great, but where the fuck is Crescent Lake? It's awesomely frustrating. Or frustratingly awesome. But it's one of those.

Advantage: Nu Skool. Even if you have a woman's brain (approximately 1/3 the size of a man's) you should know that the PS3 is taking this category. Despite my nostalgia for the Old School graphics, it was never really a contest.

Difficulty
People nowadays suck. (See, I could totally be Skip Bayless) If a game is too easy, people complain that the game is trying to appeal to too wide of an audience. If a game is too hard, people complain because they're not better at video games. You can't have it both ways shitheads. But Old School games? Fuck, those things were impossible. I tried playing Robowarrior the other day, I died in less than 30 seconds. The Megaman games? I spent more than 20 minutes trying to beat Quickman's level because I'm fucking retarded and couldn't remember the pattern of the lasers. But after I did I felt like a total badass. So fuck you Quickman, I just used my flash stopper and made you my bitch. When I beat Megamans 2-6 last week, I felt like I had really accomplished something. When I beat Grand Theft Auto IV I was like, "Eh, Grand Theft Auto III was better." I just don't have the same feeling of accomplishment when I beat a PS3 game.

Advantage: Old School

Lasting Appeal
I will continue to play Megaman games until the day I die. (By the way, if you want to play Nintendo games online try either virtualnes.com or nintendo8.com) I will keep playing Final Fantasy because it brings back fond memories of my childhood. Chrono Trigger . . . one of the best games of all time. OF ALL TIME. "That's one of my top 5 watching games." PS3 games on the other hand? After I beat it I'm probably not coming back to it. It's not because they're bad games, not by any stretch, but they just don't have the same allure that the games of my youth have.

Advantage: Old School. I don't know if there's any PS3 game that I'll still be playing in 10 years but I know that I'll download an emulator so that I can beat Ogre Battle for like the 13th time.

Check back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of Old School vs. Nu Skool. OH NO HE DIDN'T!! That's my M. Knight Shyamalan twist ending of the week.

-Slick

National Treasure is. . .

another Nicolas Cage-based crapfest that I can't stop watching. As a matter of fact, I am watching it right now while eating sweet potatoes and typing this. I am a sweet multi-tasker like that.

The premise of this movie is pretty cool, although it's a lot like The Da Vinci Code if you Americanized it. I am not sure which one came first, since that would require looking it up. One of them probably ripped off the idea from the other though. Maybe Dan Brown wrote the screenplay for National Treasure?

Much like Gone In 60 Seconds, National Treasure suffers from some terrible dialogue. Nicolas Cage's thinking monologue at the beginning while they are on that ship? Awful. The conversation in the back of the van after Nicolas Cage rescues the girl who might be German from the bad guys? Just painful. The forced sexual tension when they are trying to find the secret key on the back of the Declaration? Awkward. But not the awkward it is going for. The conversation between Jon Voight and Harvey Keitel? I usually change the channel and hope to make it back before the part where the guy who plays Doug in The Hangover says that the car smells funny. That makes me laugh every time for some reason.

The other problem is that this is a two-hour or so movie, and it's always at least 3 hours long on TV with an excessive number of commercials. It's like a 50-50 split between movie and commercial. What's worse is that this is that awkward time of day when there is absolutely nothing else on, so I have to fill the time by writing snarky blog posts and pretending to come up with lesson plans for the week.

Also, there was just a commercial on for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, and a guy who is supposed to be a cancer survivor is telling his "story" about how he was diagnosed with cancer, and the doctor supposedly says to him "What are you smiling about? You've got 6 months to live." I don't believe this guy. I just can't do it. If a doctor said that to someone, and the story doesn't continue with the doctor getting sued or punched in the nose, then it's not a real story. With my health track record, I have been to a lot of doctors, and none of them, even the jerky ones, have even come close to saying something that asshole-y. Sorry, guy, I'm not buying it. Glad you survived though!

-Jon

Please Stop Drinking These Beers

After the response to my last post, I got to thinking that perhaps I could continue my corporation-angering ways. However, being a reasonable person, I also decided that I would sell out for the right price. If you are a major corporation and don't want me to keep up my posts, then offer me some dollars. Obviously I have to come up with something that will make me money between the time I stop teaching and start Burger Bros. (opening date TBD, hopefully within the next 10 years).

Usually when I discuss beers, I have a story that goes along with my first taste of said beer. But today I am going to do things a little bit differently. These are a bunch of beers that I will never drink again, and if people ever bring them to my house, they will quickly find themselves cleaning broken bottle pieces off of their cars.

Shock Top - This beer is gross. It tastes like a combination of sadness and depression. Also, it is from the people that make Michelob. Remember those old commercials with athletic people doing all sorts of athletic feats, then celebrating by drinking a Michelob Ultra? Should we really be drinking beer from that company?

Blue Moon - This beer is also gross. If you've ever broken a bone, this beer tastes like the pain you have from a broken bone converted into beer form. And stop acting like Blue Moon comes from a microbrew. Blue Moon comes from Coors, just like crappy Coors Light, the 3rd best crappy light beer after Miller Lite and Bud Light. Please note that this category does not include ultra-crappy beers such as Busch Light, Keystone, Beast Light (an RPI classic), Natty Light and so forth. Just awful. Also, this includes things like Full Moon and Honey Moon and any other Moon beers from Coors.

White Ale - I am not sure what the Boston Brewing Company (Samuel Adams)* is currently calling this travesty, but it's gross. This beer tastes like the feeling you have when the Celtics, Bruins, and Red Sox all lose on the same day and the Patriots release or trade one of the players you really like. I think the fact that it got dropped as the Spring seasonal beer in favor of Noble Pils is enough to drop it from your drinking rotation.

Hoegaarden - This one pains me to put on the list because it has an awesome name. Unfortunately, the beer tastes like the aftermath of playing Milon's Secret Castle on the NES, where you're just mad at yourself and can't figure out why you did it because you're so frustrated. I can't remember where I was when I ordered this, but I can remember how sad I was later. That's a pretty powerful memory when it can overpower everything else about the night.

Alright, I'll admit that these 4 beers aren't just randomly chosen, but rather they have a very similar theme that is consistent to all of them. However, I am not going to give that away, and will instead restate my plea that you try something better. There's so many fantastic beers out there, so stop wasting your money on these ones.

-Jon

* - I know you're probably confused at the fact that I'm ripping on a Sam Adams beer, but you have to remember that they make a huge number of beers and some of them suck: Cranberry Lambic, Scotch Ale, Honey Porter, Dunkelweizen and Blackberry Witbier also blow. Jeez, they have a lot of varieties.

Reasons Why Charter Sucks

Since Ludlow is stupid, the only cable company that is allowed to provide service here is Charter. There is the option of going with satellite, but I have already spent an awful lot of time learning which channels are which for the awful service, and I can't go through that again. Just come watch me some time when they switch up a couple of the channels. It's like a deer in headlights. Unfortunately, Charter sucks. I should have Dad chime in with an addition to this post since he has had a lot more difficulties with them, to the point where he has a note on his file that he is a potentially dangerous customer. I aspire to reach that point some day, and, if they keep it up, I just may.,

These reasons are in no particular order of aggravation. I am not motivated enough to sort them by degree of annoyance.

Reason #1 - The DVR is broken, and refuses to listen to the way I program it. Instead of allowing me to record all episodes of a show only when they are labeled as "New," I have to record every episode. If I try to program it as "First-run only," it decides that every show is on Sunday nights and doesn't bother to record any of them. That is absolute horseshit.

Reason #2 - They call me constantly to ask if I want to add Charter's phone service to my account. That's right. They CALL me. On the phone. To ask if I want phone service. Oh yeah, I bet your phone service is top-notch based on how awesome the cable is. There was a period of about 2 months where I had a phone call every single day from them. Even the weekends. Come on, Charter, honor the Sabbath at least! I have since started to ignore the calls, and they have finally dropped to maybe once every 2 weeks. Which does not stop them from being annoying.

Reason #3 - When our HD wasn't working, instead of giving me the 30-second fix over the phone, they sent someone out here who fixed it in 30-seconds, and then tried to bill me $35 for it. Fuck that. If someone had bothered to tell me the whole problem could have been fixed in 30 seconds just by holding down 2 buttons on the cable box, don't you think I could have handled it? There is absolutely no way that I am paying $35 for someone to come push buttons here. Ball lickers. After an extensive phone call, I got the $35 taken off the bill. Score one for being persistent.

Reason #4 - My bill is dated the 16th of every month, due the 29th of every month, but usually doesn't show up until the 27th. As you probably know, my faith in the postal system is basically non-existent, so there is probably a 0% chance that my bill will make it from here to Arizona in 2 days. I swear, if there is ever a late charge on my bill, or my credit scores take a hit from this, you will be hearing about an arson incident shortly thereafter, as there is a Charter office here in town. Just kidding. I plead the 5th.

Reason #5 - Sometimes, for no apparently reason, the cable just doesn't work right. The biggest problem is that instead of flowing smoothly, the cha ne s c e in spo ad a ly, l ke th l s se t e. Were you able to understand what I just wrote? Was it a pain in the ass either way? Now pretend you are actually paying for this. Annoying, right?

Alright, that is probably enough for today. I mean, Charter has got to be busy shipping jobs off to India and driving those vans around pushing buttons. If they fix these 5 issues, I will see if there are any other major problems that I forgot about and write about them in the future. I am not holding my breath though.

-Jon

New Super Mario Bros. Wii is. . .

great as a single-player game, and possibly greater as a multi-player game. However, that second part is debatable depending on what you are trying to accomplish. If you want to just have a good time, then it's great. If, on the other hand, you are trying to actually beat the game and collect all the star coins, then having multiple people is probably going to drag you down.

In my experience thus far, the people I have played with fall into the following categories:
Competent - People who actually can get through the levels. Playing with competent people is probably the most enjoyable but least likely experience you'll have.

Screen-draggers - These people try to run through the level as fast as possible, which means they frequently die to unseen enemies and pits, and also kill you over and over because you get pulled along the screen and into things without warning. Easily the most annoying group.

Team killers - They are just there to try to kill their teammates. Throw someone into a pit, kick a turtle shell at them, butt-stomp them off a platform, carry them into a Thwomp. . . the possibilities are endless. I often find myself having to team kill after someone on my team starts acting up. Like the time Alex and I had to kill off his cousin because he kept pushing us off edges. Or the first time I ever played when my brothers and I all teamed up on Melissa for being. . . Melissa.

Excessive A-pushers - In multi-player, pushing A will put you into a protective bubble and float you safely back to your team. This is pretty cool, because it will usually mean that as long as you have one decent player, you will make it through the levels. However, if that person dies and you have one of these people playing, your level is over. These people hit the A button under the most ridiculous circumstances. Short jump? Hit it! Goomba coming? Hit it! "Alec, do NOT hit the A button until I float back!!" Hit it! The problem is that if everyone is inside a bubble, the level ends and you fail. These people need to relax.

Grinders - These people try really hard, but they just aren't that good. Hey, as long as they aren't team killing, I'm ok with it.

A lot of the reviews for this game complained that even though it was a good game, it didn't really do anything new. Well, that's just stupid. How many Mario games have there been? I am not sure, but they have all been pretty sweet. Including this one. Anyone who complains that a game isn't new enough is stupid. Also, isn't the helicopter hat new? That is one sweet power-up.

I enjoyed this game a lot. There are a whole slew of crazy levels without much repetition, and each level has 3 star coins that are often tricky to get for replayability. Then you unlock World 9, which is clearly designed to fuck with you. That place is just hard. But when you finish getting everything and the game gives you that 5-star rating, you feel like you really accomplished something.

My only disappointment is that there wasn't a secret final boss after world 9. Oh well, that is a very minor drawback.

Final verdict? I am very glad I got this game. Well, I guess technically I am very glad Kathryn got me this game. Thanks, Kathryn!

-Jon

Lost is . . .

awful. For those of you that don't know yet, I've recently been sucked into the crappiest television program of all time, namely Lost. Why everyone like this show is completely beyond me. I'm not sure what's more depressing: the fact that I watched 5 1/2 seasons in two weeks hoping that something interesting might finally happen or that so many losers actually like this shit. Seriously, not since Paranormal Activity have I been this bored watching something on tv. I would rather watch David Ortiz strike out for like the 19th time this season than have to suffer through another poorly written, poorly acted scene. Everyone's like "[Sob sob] I can't believe Lost is ending." I say thank God, or thank Jacob or thank Smoke Monster or whatever. I can't wait for this stupid shit to be over. I should never have caved and started watching. I should've just stuck to my metaphorical guns and ignorantly but correctly stated, "It's about a gay-ass time traveling island." But now I have to take that back because it's probably offensive to gay people and I in no way intend to associate them with this god-awful form of "entertainment." Although entertainment is probably not the right word.

Tonight's episode was no exception. I'd tell you the highlights but then there would have to be some. So I'll continue to watch this crapfest until it comes to it's shitty conclusion.

On a positive note I've come a little closer to mastering the recipe for my new signature bacon wrapped chicken. In case you were wondering, I discovered that smaller pieces of chicken work better. I have absolutely no idea why but they do. When Jon and I open our restaurant it will definitely go on the "Not Burger" portion of the menu. It even received the coveted "Albert Dias Seal of Approval." Also I apologize for not bringing the noise this month. Hopefully I can crank out a few more before this month ends. I realize that you check daily to see if there's a new post so I'm sorry if you haven't been getting you fix.

Finally, I was joking about Lost. I really enjoy it. However, I'm slightly alarmed at the direction it appears to be taking. There's only 4 episodes left and it seems like there are going to be a lot of questions that will go unanswered. I'll reserve judgment until the end but if it has some sort of cop out bullshit ending you can expect the most hate filled post I've ever written. We can only hope it doesn't come to that.

-Slick

Panera's Cuban Chicken Panini is. . .

ok, I guess. I was hoping for a little more awesomeness based on the menu's description though. Also, you get to hear another funny story at the bottom of this tale. I am starting to think that I should probably have a Twitter account if so much funny/ridiculous stuff is going to happen to me.

Wow, that last post was the 50th one! And I missed it. Oh well, I will try to make it up to you with some kind of 100th post extravaganza.

So the sandwich is some kind of all-natural chicken with ham, cheese, chipotle sauce, mustard and . . . spicy pickles. . . . Now, don't get me wrong; I like pickles. Well, dill pickles. Those other ones suck, especially the "half-sour" ones. They look like dill ones, but taste like garbage! Stupid pickles. Sorry, got a little side-tracked there. The point is that while I will eat pickles without any issues, I do not want them on my sandwich.

I think we can agree that the pickle incident from today was my fault for not reading the menu. So be it. I will have to try the sandwich again without them to see if it changes my opinion. The weird thing is, I tried a pickle by itself and liked it. And the "spicy" moniker was definitely apt. There is just something about them that makes me think they have no business mixing with my sandwich. So cut the shit, Panera!

The rest of the sandwich was pretty good. I really liked the mustard, which was some crazy sun-dried tomato based mustard. Sometimes I think restaurants just make up ridiculous ingredients just to see if anyone is reading the menu. I didn't really taste any chipotle sauce, but the chicken was good, and ham is a nice extra. The menu claimed that the cheese was Swiss cheese, but I cannot confirm or deny this rumour. It was good though. Not Bacon Turkey Bravo good, but good enough.

Do I need special bread or cooking devices to make paninis? I could probably look it up, but that comes dangerously close to being research, and that is not really what we do here. I hope it is easy, because I plan on panini-ing the shit out of some food this summer. Sandwiches are clearly improved by crushing them inside a cooking device. I bet I could do it with a Foreman grill. . .

On the other hand, I also had a brownie there, and it was fantastic! I would definitely give that several thumbs up.

Now for the real reason you showed up. Story time!

Story 1: Not really a story, but Table & Vine is like the most out-of-control package store I have ever seen. I am not sure I can handle that many beer choices.

Story 2: If you are a lady in a wheelchair pretending that you need money for whatever bullshit excuse you gave me, you should not go with the story that you were just released from the hospital and are trying to get money to eat, followed by asking me for a cigarette. I hate smokers. But enjoy my $1.17, which I am sure you will be taking over to Table & Vine to buy booze.

-Jon

Mall vs. Mall vs. Mall

That's right. The first ever ménage à trois of Thing vs. Thing. You are experiencing Mmmm, Opinions history right now. Take a moment to savor the flavor while I go grab a beer.

Alright, let's do this. The formatting will remain the same as before.

Eastfield Mall vs. Hampshire Mall vs. Holyoke Mall

Quality of Best Buy

This was much more of an issue in the days before I discovered my love of Amazon, but I still have a tendency to always check out what is going on at Best Buy before I do the rest of my shopping. It's probably some kind of Pavlovian conditioned response or some crap like that.

I have been to the Best Buy at Holyoke Mall more times than I care to count, so I am pretty sure that I could draw you a blueprint of the place. But I won't because all my drawing time is currently occupied by cupcakes, bananas and snowmen. I like it, even though all the stuff is overpriced.

I only took a cursory glance at the one at Hampshire Mall, but it appeared to fit the bill. Since I have to go over there again soon and return these bullshit salt & pepper shakers to TJMaxx (and possibly choke someone), I'll take a look at the Best Buy there and report back later.

Eastfield Mall? Ha, there's not even a Best Buy there. What a shitty mall.

Round 1: Holyoke temporarily, with a chance for a tie.

Quality of Target

Apparently now that I am turning into a grown-up, I will be shopping here more. Like today, I picked up some dishware and random kitchen things there. But it's ok, because I went bowling later and used a 16-lb ball, so that manliness cancels out the femininity of shopping for kitchenware. Thus, the quality of the Target store will be a major issue for me in the future.

Today I was able to navigate Target at the Hampshire Mall with the ease of a. . . Garmin GPS system? I don't really know what navigates well. However, I am guessing this is because Kathryn was there and she knows that store inside and out. Mostly inside. It's not really useful to know the outside of the store now that I think about it.

The Holyoke Mall Target confuses the hell out of me. Even though it's definitely marked a lot better than the Hampshire Mall one, I still end up walking in circles for a while before I can figure out where I came in. I think it may be a little bit larger though. Not that it really needs to be, since it's approximately the size of Belchertown already.

Eastfield Mall? Haha, did you really think this shit-hole would have a Target? Keep dreaming.

Round 2: Hampshire Mall. I don't like getting lost.

Hot chocolate

This section would probably be coffee, but I don't drink coffee because it tastes like garbage. Plus chocolate is awesome.

Eastfield Mall probably has a coffee place, but that place sucks so who cares.

Holyoke Mall has a Starbucks, which makes a pretty awesome hot chocolate. Plus, it lets me walk around the mall with a Starbucks cup, which makes people take me more seriously. That is a pretty big plus.

However, Hampshire Mall has a place called Mocha Emporium, which has way better hot chocolate. It was fantastic. I would get a job there, learn what they do, then quit and just spend the winter drinking hot chocolate. See you when I'm homeless and weight about 270 lbs.

Round 3: Hampshire Mall.

Food

This is going to be a tough one.

Eastfield Mall has a food court with a bunch of crappy places. Remember that pizza place that they had there, and it was like the best part of going to the mall when you were growing up? Don't go back there. I had some about 8 months ago, and it definitely sucks now. It must be my refined palette. They do have a 99 there, but so does Holyoke Mall.

Holyoke Mall also has a Ruby Tuesday and a Wendy's, which means the opportunities for some Mmmm, Burgers are quite high. Plus they have a Subway, which means I can get a meal for $5.31. And there is that place where I get milkshakes up by Gamestop.

Hampshire Mall has Buffalo Wild Wings though. That place was really good, and they had a pretty sweet beer selection. I think there is also a Subway in there as well. And they claim to have a Trader Joe's (not that it's a restaurant), but that is some bullshit because the Trader Joe's is across the parking lot. Lying sons of bitches.

Round 4: Holyoke Mall. Can't compete with milkshakes.

Crowds

Holyoke Mall is almost always way too crowded. Especially around Christmas. I usually have to pick a random day and go early in the morning, and it still sucks. However, I have noticed that it's not too bad on a weekday morning.

Hampshire Mall was not crowded at all today, and today is a school vacation day. That probably means that it is never really crowded.

Eastfield Mall is never crowded. Because it sucks. When I am unemployed or under-employed in the near future, I am going to try to get a job there because I will not have to do any work for between 65-80% of the day.

Round 5: Eastfield Mall if you are a hermit, Holyoke if you want to see lots of people, Hampshire if you're in between. This round is like instructional soccer; everyone is a winner, even if they suck.

Surrounding stores

Hampshire Mall gets docked points here for being liars, as documented above. However, there are still a buttload of stores around the area because it's on a pretty busy stretch of Route 9.

Eastfield also has a lot of stuff in the immediate area. Nothing too spectacular, but it's nice to know that I can easily get some pet supplies or office supplies without having to drive too far. Although maybe that's a bad thing, because after 30 minutes in that place, I want to be somewhere far away from there.

Holyoke Mall has a Barnes & Noble AND a Red Robin right around the corner. That means books, because I'm a nerd, AND burgers! There is also a Men's Wearhouse, because sometimes I like to look nice without getting my wallet raped by Macy's.

Round 6: Holyoke Mall. Burgers and books is an insurmountable mountain for another mall to climb.

Proximity

This is pretty easy to decide.

Eastfield Mall - 2.1 miles

Holyoke Mall - 9.1 miles

Hampshire Mall - 14 miles

Round 7: Eastfield Mall. Woo.

Winner

In the end, I am going to have to go to the Holyoke Mall for my overpriced merchandise. Although the Hampshire Mall will make an ok substitute if I'm at Kathryn's or feeling that I haven't purchased enough gasoline lately. I would rather give out hugs and high fives for Christmas this year than shop at the Eastfield Mall.

Also, I did this whole thing just to tell you this story. When I got to Target today, there was a lady bringing her stuff to her car, and then she brought the cart toward the cart return, which is nice. However, she decided to just leave it on the curb instead, because the cart return was apparently farther than she could manage. Now, because Kathryn hadn't arrived yet, I decided to check this out. It was another 30 steps from the curb where she stopped to the cart return. This means that it would have taken her another 60 steps total to not be a lazy bitch, which are 60 steps she could have desperately used, as she was probably tipping the scales at 280 or so. Did I mention that I hate people?

-Jon

PS - If you are reading this, you are currently in the middle of "10 Posts in 10 Days," sponsored by Mmmm, Burgers and Mmmm, Opinions. This would be number 4.

Appeal to Reason is. . .

probably the best CD I've purchased in recent memory. And I don't think it gets nearly enough recognition, at least not from people that I know. This will hopefully rectify that.

I am not sure if I have talked about any CDs here yet, so we will pretend that I have not and come up with a format that I can stick to. I think it will look something like this.

Appeal to Reason by Rise Against.

This CD is 13 songs of musical awesomeness. Since there are approximately 4,781 different genres of music now, I don't know what it would be classified as. How about we classify it as hard alternative rock? It starts off awesome, has awesome in the middle, and then finishes off awesome. There is literally no letdown for the entire album.

Best songs - This should be self-explanatory. I will pick a random number of songs that are my favorites.

For this album, it's tough to decide, since pretty much everything is good. I would say my 3 favorite are (in no order): "Collapse," "Audience of One" and "Savior," but your mileage may vary.

Skips? - This would be songs that I don't even bother listening to. For a rap CD, this will hopefully be less than half the songs. For other CDs, this had better be less than 3, or else I will not be pleased with my purchase. Slash download. Just kidding; all my music is acquired legally. Back off, RIAA.

I would not say that any of these songs are skips. Maybe "Hero of War" if you aren't looking to listen to a mellow song after rocking out for the first 9 songs and subsequent 3. But it's still a pretty awesome song.

Final rating - Instead of using a number or stars or discs or whatever normal places use, I will be giving my final rating as some abstract statement. It's more fun that way.

For Appeal to Reason, my rating is "my musical experience would be woefully incomplete had I not listened to this album." That is good.

-Jon

Green Flash Hop Head Red is. . .

ok. It's very, very hoppy, which I guess is implied by the name. If you are not a fan of beers with a lot of hops, I would say to pass on this one.

Also implied by the name is the fact that it's a red ale. I am generally a fan of these, which is why I let the waitress talk me into it. That and the fact that Paradise City apparently no longer carries the Bluepoint Toasted Lager I have come to enjoy so much. Bastards.

For the full story, you can read the burger post about the night. I wrote it after several shots, so you know it's good.

As for the beer, it was ok. I would probably drink it again, but maybe only one or two pints. Then I would move on to something else. Kathryn tried some kind of watermelon thing (because I ordered it for her), which she enjoyed, so maybe I can write a post on that. I probably won't though, because I have bigger things planned.

-Jon

Gone In 60 Seconds is. . .

pretty much the greatest terrible movie I can think of. Stay with me.

This movie is just awful. And yet, I still have seen it probably 20 times at the least. It's like being addicted to cigarettes. You know that nothing good can come of it, but you still do it. Well, not you specifically, but probably someone that you know.

Off the top of my head, I can think of 3 scenes in the movie that are just painful to watch. First is the scene where Nicolas Cage and Robert Duvall are listening to cars revs their engine and Robert Duvall starts doing some weird conductor thing with his hands. Second is the scene where Nicolas Cage is pretending to be some rich jackoff and planning to buy a Ferrari. Or possibly a Lamborghini. Something with a 4-legged creature on it. Third is the scene where Token Black Guy starts singing "Brick House" and making a doll dance to distract the officer at the impound lot. I defy you to watch any of these scenes without deciding it might be time to change the channel.

And all of that doesn't even take into account the awful dialogue. It's almost as if the person writing the movie had never heard people speak before. Particularly in my mind is the scene where White Cop and Black Cop are talking to Nicolas Cage right outside the diner where his mother works, but pretty much every time someone talks it is awkward. Especially every time that White Cop talks. He is just horrendous. I think the only character who doesn't suck is the guy who doesn't talk. Well, he talks at the end, but I have to assume that by then you've given up since all the action scenes are over.

Also, he jumps the car over traffic by driving it up a ramp on a truck. Come on now. Is this Grand Theft Auto IV?

And despite all of this, I continue to watch this travesty over and over. Well played, Gone In 60 Seconds. Well played indeed.

-Jon

Don't Call It a Comeback

aaaahhhhhh . . . and so the silence is broken. I should point out that I'm supposed to be still studying for an Intro to Psychology test (because I'm a second semester senior, that's why I'm taking it), but as a much younger Bill Dias probably said, "Fuck studying." And by much younger I mean like 2 or 3 weeks ago, whenever my last test was. Seriously, I'm not sure I've ever loathed doing work this much in my life. And I worked at Randall's. It's gotten to the point where I check the work I'm supposed to be doing, see a 5 page reading assignment, and react as follows: "5 fucking pages? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you realize how long it takes to read 5 god damn pages? FUCK!!" Fuck you James Dalton. Fuck you and your stupid Law and Economics class that starts at 8:30 in the morning. What college in their right mind has classes at this ungodly hour? Fucking bullshit ones. "But Slick," you ask, "Didn't you have to sign up for this class?" Why yes, yes I did. But the problem was that this was the only economics elective open when I went to register because I had to take some stupid honors seminar, and the one I wanted to take blocked me from taking the only other elective that wasn't taught by a fucking moron so now I'm stuck taking a boring ass class on Dante and his Divine Comedy (spoiler alert: it's not that funny) and a bullshit econ class that meets at 8:30 in the morning, and I have to write a horsecrap research essay on some bullshit in Dante, which obviously I haven't started yet, so basically this semester kind of sucks. That's why I'm taking an Intro to Psychology class, because it was supposed to be easy. Also, there's absolutely no chance that other sentence is grammatically acceptable so Jon I hope you enjoy throwing commas in there or whatever it is you do when you edit my posts.

But enough ranting, it's time for me to regale you with a tale of my latest bowling excursion. Not only did I bowl a personal best 160, which was good enough to beat Evan and Alec combined, but I also had the chance to see a quite interesting fellow. And yes I'm proud that I beat the combined score of two ten year-olds. Big whoop, you wanna fight about it? Now, man who bowled next to me but almost certainly does not read this blog: I'm not calling you a loser because you brought your own ball or because you have one of those wrist thingy's or because you bobbed up and down for like 8 seconds every time before you rolled- I'm pretty sure society has already done that. I'm calling you a loser because you chose to put "Ice Dragon" as your bowling name. I'm about 98% percent confident that when you're not bowling with "Monkey" and "Frog Princess," as you lovingly called the woman and her son who you kidnapped and took bowling, that you probably play a lot of World of Warcraft. So you and my old buddy Julian have that in common. What? That was probably his wife and child? Bullshit. Nevertheless, I applaud Ice Dragon's confidence as well as his open flaunting of the law.

What? Oh right, I'm supposed to throw in some sort of actual opinion about something, not just relate some hilarious anecdotes. Well, here it is: Lost is much better than I thought it was.

There. Are you happy? Savages.

-Slick

The Lady Who Works at Riverside is. . .

a stupid bitch that needs to get kicked in the face by a karate master. Or kung fu master. Or ninja. Someone trained heavily in the art of kicking. I am referring to the lady who you give money to so that you can get a parking permit and take the T into the city, which is not exactly a privilege I like paying for. In the 2 minutes I had to deal with her (yes, it took 2 minutes for me to give her the necessary $5.75 and her to give me my change and parking ticket), she managed to piss me off twice.

First of all, her entire job is to take either $5.75 or $6.75 from people depending on whether or not they are parking overnight. Now to me, this does not seem to be a very difficult job. Especially if she has a cash register to clearly designate any necessary change. So I pull up with 2 $20 bills in my wallet. She tells me it will be $5.75 to park. I give her one of the bills, and she asks if I have anything smaller. Listen you dumb whore, the only possible bill that would work would be a $10, and obviously if I had one, I would have given it to you. Don't sit there and pretend that, as someone who takes money from people all day long, you don't have change for a $20 by noon and give me a dirty look about making you do more than hand me a quarter back. Maybe she was expecting exact change so she wouldn't have to do any actual work?

Secondly, you don't get to complain about anything if you are going to sit there the entire transaction talking on your cell phone. Fuck you, you dumb whore. It shouldn't take over a minute for you to figure out that you owe me $14 and a quarter. And I saw your giant bag of ones, so I know you had plenty of change the whole time. You were just making my life difficult because I interrupted whatever inane conversation you were surely having. I now hate you, and hope that you get a flat tire on the way home from work. I guess if there is an upside to this, the fact that she was basically shouting on her phone meant that she couldn't hear me muttering about her to Kathryn. The mutterings were not nice.

On the plus side, the Celtics won and I got to eat a burger. That's a pretty good day.

-Jon

Bowling vs. Bowling

Due to the intense popularity of the first round of Thing vs. Thing, I have decided to keep it as a regular feature here. And of course, by intense popularity, I mean that I liked doing it. I will skip the introduction this time, because I assume you read the first one and are aware of how this goes.

10-pin Bowling vs. Candlepin Bowling

Ball-size

Once again, I choose to start off the competition with a category that could be interpreted in a less mature way as being sexual in nature. Maybe this will also become a regular feature.

In case you are not aware, 10-pin bowling is what most doofuses refer to as "big-ball" bowling despite frequent attempts by me to get them to stop. Obviously, the balls in this version of bowling are the large ones, which means that little people (not midgets or dwarves or whatever, but people who are young, weak, or have tiny hands) have trouble playing. On the other hand, it also means that if you are strong enough, you can really whip those suckers down the alley and make a huge crash. That's what I was trying to do today, which might explain why my scores sucked. I guess that candlepin bowling is more accessible for everyone, so that's probably good.

Round 1: Candlepin (I know, I was surprised too.)

Inherent Comedy

This is a difficult category to address, because you may be thinking of the wrong thing. I don't mean which type of bowling is more likely to have a comedy film based on it, because that is addressed later. I mean which one is more likely to make you laugh while you are doing it.

Now, both ball sizes (heh heh) offer ample opportunities for embarrassing yourself. For instance, I have fallen down while participating in both. I have also somehow ripped my pants in 10-pin, as well as sat on someone's beer. I really don't know why their beer was left on a chair though, so I am not taking the blame for that one.

The real defining factor is what happens after you throw the ball. I have done a lot of bowling, but candlepin is the only one where I have seen someone throw the ball immediately into the gutter. I think the ball was on the lane for about 4 feet before it went into the loser zone. You literally have no idea what's going to happen once someone starts their approach. Straight down the middle? Flying off to the opposite side from where their arm looks like it was going? Into the gutter on another lane? Lob shot that spends over a second in the air before crashing into the lane really loudly so that the other people all stop and look at what is going on in your lane? Anything is possible.

Also, you should see Erica bowl. Seriously.

Round 2: Candlepin

Chance of Success

I have a confession. I looked up some of the info about candlepin scores because I was pretty sure I was right and needed the confirmation. A perfect score in either bowling is 300. This has been accomplished several times in 10-pin. And I mean several times per bowling alley. Take a minute some time and look at all the banners hanging from the ceiling. Hell, I think a blind guy rolled a 300 game one time. A perfect game in candlepin bowling is not rare at all either. But that's because it's never happened. Ever. Not even close. Right now the record is 245. And those candlepin fuckers get 3 balls per frame instead of 2. Plus they get to leave the downed pins out there to help knock around the ones that are still standing. Apparently a good score in candlepin is in the 120s. To put this in perspective, I rolled a 129 today in 10-pin. And I suck.

Round 3: 10-pin

Overall Fun

This is pretty closely related to the last topic, so I'll keep it short. Candlepin bowling is aggravating. Anyone can get lucky and throw a few strikes in 10-pin. To get a strike in candlepin, you need to cast some magic spell, sacrifice a goat, and throw the ball while reciting a few Hail Marys. I am pretty sure that even Jesus or Harry Potter would have a hard time doing well in candlepin. That is not fun. Also, you can drink while doing either, so that's a wash. I would rather not pay money to get aggravated when I can spend it practicing for the PBA tour.

Round 4: 10-pin

Popularity in Media

Quick: how many movies have you seen where candlepin bowling makes an appearance? I know of 2 pretty popular ones that have a strong bowling focus, and both are exclusively 10-pin: Kingpin and The Big Lebowski. If you don't like both of those movies, there's a pretty good chance that you are a terrible person and should stop reading this blog until I somehow figure out how to get paid to do it and then I need you to up my readership. The point here is that 10-pin bowling is awesome, and everyone should like it. Candlepin bowling is for New England and Canada. And Canada even made things easier by "inventing" 5-pin bowling. Lazy syrup-drinkers.

Disclosure: I may own a pair of purple bowling shoes. And possibly a purple jumpsuit. And may have been Jesus Quintana for Halloween. So maybe I'm a little biased. But then again, everyone is biased. The difference is that not everyone will admit it.

Also, in the hilariousness department, a couple weeks ago ESPN delayed switching over to the women's NCAA tournament basketball game to finish showing the finals of a PBA event. That's right, 10-pin bowling trumps women's sports. What more evidence do you need?

Round 5: 10-pin

Winner

In the end, despite the fact that candlepin bowling will offer ample chances to laugh at your friends' making asses of themselves, 10-pin bowling is better because it's far more awesome. Even if Rick Reilly tries to douche it up by throwing his $.02 in. Side note - does anyone know how to get a cents sign in there?

-Jon

PS - You might be wondering why there are beer tags down there when I didn't mention beer. It's because I am drinking a Sam Summer while I am writing this. The Summer Ale Challenge III has begun!