The Coke Zero Commercials are . . .

the newest feature in my "M. Night Shyamalan" twist ending of the week. If you watch Tosh.0, which I believe I have referred to now three times, then you would know that I stole this segment. That show made my dad laugh, so you know it's funny. This is the same man who didn't like Anchorman or Superbad claiming that they were, and I believe I'm quoting here, "stupid." Well that's that. In case you missed it, this week Jon introduced two new features to the site for our and I guess your entertainment: the "Thing vs. Thing MMMM Opinions Battle sponsored by Burger Brothers" and the Piggy-back Opinion. Big week. So what's my twist ending this week? I hate a commercial [gasp] shocking.

The old Coke Zero commercials were where those two lovers (I think they were lovers but they may have just been co-workers) constantly tried to damage the Coke company for ripping off their taste. I'm pretty sure you can glean my opinion on those atrocities. But, in a stroke of genius, Coca-Cola has decided that their new spokesperson is going to be a 13 year old trying to tell me that they've cloned Coke. He then says something douchey, that's douchee not douch-a, like "We don't know how it would work. All we know is that cloning is possible. I'm looking at you scientists." Why is this asshole so smug? He's a baby-faced little prick with a shitty haircut and he's bragging about cloning? I go to BC where there's no shortage of smug baby-faced little pricks with shitty haircuts (in fact that description may apply to one of my roommates) so seeing this doucheknuckle on TV may annoy me more than most. So be it. That commercial sucks but the other one where there's a time machine is even stupider. The guy really chooses to go back to the time when he told a girl she danced like a man? I have to assume there's a better choice than that based on the assumption that this guy is an asshole. I feel like it's a safe bet.

Rambling aside, we've reached the point where I begrudgingly suggest an improvement on how to make the commercial better. I say begrudgingly because last time I asked you, our valued readers, to pick which suggestion you liked better. And the feedback was overwhelmingly . . . nonexistent. No comments. No facebook posts. No texts. Nada. Perhaps Smoke #7 will be why I hate the readers of MMMM Opinions. Ironic huh? Nevertheless, here's what I came up with.

First of all, I'm going to replace SMUG ASSHOLE with me. Because it's my commercial that's why. So NEW ASSHOLE with better haircut and less doucheyness is standing there as RANDOM GUY and CLONES are doing their respective things like the original commercial. Instead of saying that stupid thing he says I say something awesome like, "If we at Coke Zero can make a diet soda that doesn't taste like complete asshole why can't we clone ourselves? Seriously, have you tried Cherry Coke Zero? That shit's fucking terrific." (I realize that a real commercial can't have that much swearing but you know how I do what I do when I do what I do.) So I drop some knowledge like that and then HOT GIRLFRIEND gets up and walks to the bedroom. At this point RANDOM GUY drops his controller to follow her but all of his clones have the same idea. A battle royal ensues in which all of the parties are simultaneously rendered incapacitated. Closing out the commercial you see BILL take a look around the apartment before following HOT GIRLFRIEND to the bedroom and the commercial ends with NEW ASSHOLE saying, "Forget the cloning."

I think it's better and quite frankly, you people are next so I don't really care if you disagree. I am however, willing to compromise on the dialogue because I kind of rushed it with this one. Occasionally you need to run through some hoodrats. It happens. Did you get it? I was calling myself an asshole.

Smoke #6: Hating commercials, improving commercials, disappointment in you.

-Slick