The Census is . . .

clearly being run by a group of morons. I will now tip my cap to Jon for use of that phrase. Apparently the same people who are in charge of the Cleveland Orchestra are in charge of counting up this nation's assholes. But I'm here to propose a complete game changer, a way for you to not only be willing to fill out the census but actually look forward to doing it.

I went over to wikipedia to get some information because apparently that doesn't count as real research. Fuck professors. Anyway, I learned that the 2010 census is going to cost about $11.3 billion. That is at least 1 assload of money. I forget the exchange rate though. Now, since we're dealing with a government project I'll assume that they're lying about the 11.3 and really it's going to be higher. Remember, these are the same douchebags that are in charge of the USPS. (Jon, when you read/edit this make sure you make a link to your post. I don't know how, nor do I really want to spend the 8 seconds figuring it out. You can leave this in though. I think people will chuckle.) Chris worked for the USPS for a while and if I remember correctly you get 3 hours of break for every 15 minutes of work. So . . . it's safe to assume that 11.3 is a bullshit number. For the sake of argument, let's say that the real cost is $12 billion even though it's most likely higher.

Instead of spending that money to send you a letter telling you that you will soon be receiving a letter with instructions on how to fill out your census, which will be coming soon in another letter, why don't they just pay you to fill out the census. I don't need to see some cocksmuggler on the tv in his bathrobe telling me that the census helps my community get money for schools and hospitals and roads. What is this, 1830? Who the fuck needs money for roads? Is it for road improvements? Because you should fucking tell me that. I don't want my tax dollars, not that I pay any, going to some asshole because he lives in the middle of fucking nowhere. Fuck that guy. I want my, I mean someone else's, money going to make Ludlow better so it isn't a complete piece of shit because more than likely that's where I'm going to be living. Shit, if you want people to do something just give them a reason to do it. "We can't move forward until you send it back." Well fuck you, because I don't give two shits.

Enough ranting, here's my proposed solution: Take that 12 billion dollars and give it to the people. For the sake of calculations let's just guess that there's 200 million people who have to fill out the census because of kids and spouses and whatnot. It might be too high of an estimate but it makes for easy calculations. Take 2 billion out for waste/administrative expenses and divide 10 billion among 200 million people or each person receives $50, but that doesn't seem worth it so I've come up with a better plan. Quadruple that 10 billion and make it $40 billion so that each person receives $200 and call it the US Census Government Stimulus Plan. Would you make sure to fill out your census for $200? Because I would be willing to fill out your census for $200. Not only would people want to fill out their census forms but it would cost relatively little for government. I believe U.S. Senators wipe their asses with $42 billion bills.

Jon, if you don't have any plans yet is it cool if I move in this summer? It will make commuting to Burger Brothers much faster.

Smoke #3: Good old-fashioned hate the way God intended. The Old Testament God.

-Slick