One of the easiest ways to make a bad commercial better, or to make a good commercial great, is to add violence. It can be either unexpected violence, which is always awesome, or expected violence but delivered in a funny way. Before you get all offended, maybe you should read the following paragraphs. Also, all these ideas are based on actual commercials, which probably makes this plagiarism.
First, we will deal with the expected violence but in a funny way. Remember the Doritos commercial during the Super Bowl? No, not that one. No, not that one either. Yes, I realize there were 17 different commercials. I am talking about the one where the guy goes to see his girlfriend, and she is upstairs, so he sits on the couch and then a little kid slaps him in the face and tells him not to touch his mama or his Doritos. Problem with this commercial? That's where it ends. Solution? Here you go.
Scene: A normal suburban home living room. STUPID LITTLE KID is in the room.
Enter GUY.
[WOMAN's VOICE OFFSCREEN]: I'll be down in a second.
GUY: Hey little man.
GUY sits down on couch and grabs a Dorito.
STUPID LITTLE KID walks over and slaps GUY.
STUPID LITTLE KID: Don't touch my mama, and don't touch my chips.
Cut to outside view of house. STUPID LITTLE KID comes flying out a bay window, shattering the glass.
[MALE ANNOUNCER voiceover]: Doritos. Good enough to throw a kid for.
See? That commercial was almost good on its own, but it failed to follow up the kid slapping the guy with something expected, which is the kid getting his ass handed to him. Believe me, if a kid slapped me, there will be repercussions.
The other company that seriously needs my assistance is AT&T. They used to have those terrible bar commercials where all sorts of different objects mysteriously formed those 5 bars. Those are beyond my abilities, as there is not an easy way to work someone getting slapped into those. Then they had the ones with the little orange clocks representing rollover minutes, which have some hope. Finally, or currently, they abandoned those for whatever reason to sign up with either Fat Luke Wilson, or a fat guy who has killed Luke Wilson and is now wearing him as a suit. They are just stupid, which Slick has addressed.
So it looks like I'm fixing the Rollover commercials. Easy.
Scene: A family sedan traveling along a quiet road. DAD is driving, MOM is in the front passenger seat and STUPID KID and OTHER KID are sitting in the backseat.
STUPID KID is looking down at his phone.
STUPID KID: Hey Mom, I need some minutes.
MOM: What? I just gave you some at the restaurant.
STUPID KID: Yeah, I threw those out; they were old.
MOM (getting irritated): They're Rollover minutes, they're still fine!
STUPID KID: Yeah, but there were old.
MOM stares angrily for a second, then leaps over the seat into the backseat. She repeatedly hits STUPID KID with an open palm.
MOM: Goddam it, how many times to I have to tell you, there's no difference! Stop throwing out my goddam minutes you moron!! I told your father not to smoke around me while I was pregnant with your stupid ass!!
MOM takes STUPID KID's phone and throws it from the moving vehicle.
MOM: There! Now you've got plenty of minutes. Ass hat.
[MALE ANNOUNCER voiceover]: Only AT&T has Rollover, which lets you keep your unused minutes. Sign up now and shut your stupid kids up.
And fixed. You have to figure that there's only so many times that that stupid kid could throw out the minutes before the Mom flipped her shit. So really I'm just giving people what they want.
Any commercial companies out there, I can help you too. Basically I will take your awful crap and make it into something that will sell products and offend losers. Because seriously, you don't want losers buying your stuff. It totally sends the wrong message.
Also, if you laughed at that second commercial, you may be a jerk, so you should probably go donate some money so that it will cancel out your bad karma.
-Jon
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