It's the last day of March and the last day that I feel the pressure of a self-imposed deadline. Consider this my temporary retirement from MMMM Opinions. But don't worry, I'm the Brett Favre of MMMM Opinions. Boom, roasted. So in honor of this most un-momentous occasion I'll be banging these opinions out faster than Tiger Woods runs through a hoodrat. Boom, roasted. For those of you keeping track at home that's now my second hoodrat reference in two days. I'm not sure what to make of that.
New Verizon Commercial: I find this one slightly disturbing. This is the one where some creepy mom and her daughter are at the mall and the voiceover guy goes, "It's the first time you're letting her go shopping on her own." So clearly what you need to do is download the app that lets you lo-jack your children so you know where they are at all times. Obviously if you live in the whore-factory that is Ludlow, Massachusetts then you need this app. Like that Ashley V. I've heard from multiple sources that she blows faster than a tornado. Does Melissa read this blog or was that reference completely wasted? Moving on, I'm not even joking when I tell you that at least 15 girls that I graduated with have already had children. I don't know whether girls in other towns are as slutty as they are in Slutlow (I assume they aren't because then we would all be in big, big trouble) so I'm not sure if this app is creepy or necessary. Either way, I feel slightly disturbed seeing a commercial advertising a way to spy on your children. Maybe you should just be a better parent?
Applebees Quesadilla Burger: I'm not yet a contributor to the world famous MMMM Burgers so I didn't really have an option, but I felt that this was too important to overlook for a technicality. I've only been to Applebees three times in my life, this being the third, and before Applebees dug in with two strikes I had yet to "eat good in the neighborhood." But holy schnikes, Applebees swung for the fences with this one. Two details need to be pointed out here: 1. I had to go to the Applebees website to remember what was on the burger because I forgot. 2. This is a positive opinion which may confuse you when you see the author at the end. I can assure you that it's authentic. This burger was topped with Mexi-ranch sauce, pico de gallo (I have absolutely no idea what this is), shredded lettuce, pepper jack, and cheddar quesadilla with bacon. Other than finding out what pico de gallo is because that would require too much research, I can safely say that I like everything on this burger. Also, its served between two crispy tortillas which was a fantastic surprise. This burger was awesome so if you ever find yourself at an Applebees and don't know what to order, I recommend this. I also enjoyed writing a positive opinion so maybe I should review food more often.
Smoke #7: Slightly disturbed followed by a legitimately positive opinion. It's been a real roller coaster ride this week but I hope you enjoyed it. I know I kind of did. I'll be back in about 3 hours to announce my un-retirement.
I feel like I should point out that I have absolutely no knowledge of Ashley Venancio other than that she is Melissa's cousin. I feel bad for the position she has been put in, you know, other than the position of being under Luis. Boom roasted.
-Slick
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Coke Zero Commercials are . . .
the newest feature in my "M. Night Shyamalan" twist ending of the week. If you watch Tosh.0, which I believe I have referred to now three times, then you would know that I stole this segment. That show made my dad laugh, so you know it's funny. This is the same man who didn't like Anchorman or Superbad claiming that they were, and I believe I'm quoting here, "stupid." Well that's that. In case you missed it, this week Jon introduced two new features to the site for our and I guess your entertainment: the "Thing vs. Thing MMMM Opinions Battle sponsored by Burger Brothers" and the Piggy-back Opinion. Big week. So what's my twist ending this week? I hate a commercial [gasp] shocking.
The old Coke Zero commercials were where those two lovers (I think they were lovers but they may have just been co-workers) constantly tried to damage the Coke company for ripping off their taste. I'm pretty sure you can glean my opinion on those atrocities. But, in a stroke of genius, Coca-Cola has decided that their new spokesperson is going to be a 13 year old trying to tell me that they've cloned Coke. He then says something douchey, that's douchee not douch-a, like "We don't know how it would work. All we know is that cloning is possible. I'm looking at you scientists." Why is this asshole so smug? He's a baby-faced little prick with a shitty haircut and he's bragging about cloning? I go to BC where there's no shortage of smug baby-faced little pricks with shitty haircuts (in fact that description may apply to one of my roommates) so seeing this doucheknuckle on TV may annoy me more than most. So be it. That commercial sucks but the other one where there's a time machine is even stupider. The guy really chooses to go back to the time when he told a girl she danced like a man? I have to assume there's a better choice than that based on the assumption that this guy is an asshole. I feel like it's a safe bet.
Rambling aside, we've reached the point where I begrudgingly suggest an improvement on how to make the commercial better. I say begrudgingly because last time I asked you, our valued readers, to pick which suggestion you liked better. And the feedback was overwhelmingly . . . nonexistent. No comments. No facebook posts. No texts. Nada. Perhaps Smoke #7 will be why I hate the readers of MMMM Opinions. Ironic huh? Nevertheless, here's what I came up with.
First of all, I'm going to replace SMUG ASSHOLE with me. Because it's my commercial that's why. So NEW ASSHOLE with better haircut and less doucheyness is standing there as RANDOM GUY and CLONES are doing their respective things like the original commercial. Instead of saying that stupid thing he says I say something awesome like, "If we at Coke Zero can make a diet soda that doesn't taste like complete asshole why can't we clone ourselves? Seriously, have you tried Cherry Coke Zero? That shit's fucking terrific." (I realize that a real commercial can't have that much swearing but you know how I do what I do when I do what I do.) So I drop some knowledge like that and then HOT GIRLFRIEND gets up and walks to the bedroom. At this point RANDOM GUY drops his controller to follow her but all of his clones have the same idea. A battle royal ensues in which all of the parties are simultaneously rendered incapacitated. Closing out the commercial you see BILL take a look around the apartment before following HOT GIRLFRIEND to the bedroom and the commercial ends with NEW ASSHOLE saying, "Forget the cloning."
I think it's better and quite frankly, you people are next so I don't really care if you disagree. I am however, willing to compromise on the dialogue because I kind of rushed it with this one. Occasionally you need to run through some hoodrats. It happens. Did you get it? I was calling myself an asshole.
Smoke #6: Hating commercials, improving commercials, disappointment in you.
-Slick
The old Coke Zero commercials were where those two lovers (I think they were lovers but they may have just been co-workers) constantly tried to damage the Coke company for ripping off their taste. I'm pretty sure you can glean my opinion on those atrocities. But, in a stroke of genius, Coca-Cola has decided that their new spokesperson is going to be a 13 year old trying to tell me that they've cloned Coke. He then says something douchey, that's douchee not douch-a, like "We don't know how it would work. All we know is that cloning is possible. I'm looking at you scientists." Why is this asshole so smug? He's a baby-faced little prick with a shitty haircut and he's bragging about cloning? I go to BC where there's no shortage of smug baby-faced little pricks with shitty haircuts (in fact that description may apply to one of my roommates) so seeing this doucheknuckle on TV may annoy me more than most. So be it. That commercial sucks but the other one where there's a time machine is even stupider. The guy really chooses to go back to the time when he told a girl she danced like a man? I have to assume there's a better choice than that based on the assumption that this guy is an asshole. I feel like it's a safe bet.
Rambling aside, we've reached the point where I begrudgingly suggest an improvement on how to make the commercial better. I say begrudgingly because last time I asked you, our valued readers, to pick which suggestion you liked better. And the feedback was overwhelmingly . . . nonexistent. No comments. No facebook posts. No texts. Nada. Perhaps Smoke #7 will be why I hate the readers of MMMM Opinions. Ironic huh? Nevertheless, here's what I came up with.
First of all, I'm going to replace SMUG ASSHOLE with me. Because it's my commercial that's why. So NEW ASSHOLE with better haircut and less doucheyness is standing there as RANDOM GUY and CLONES are doing their respective things like the original commercial. Instead of saying that stupid thing he says I say something awesome like, "If we at Coke Zero can make a diet soda that doesn't taste like complete asshole why can't we clone ourselves? Seriously, have you tried Cherry Coke Zero? That shit's fucking terrific." (I realize that a real commercial can't have that much swearing but you know how I do what I do when I do what I do.) So I drop some knowledge like that and then HOT GIRLFRIEND gets up and walks to the bedroom. At this point RANDOM GUY drops his controller to follow her but all of his clones have the same idea. A battle royal ensues in which all of the parties are simultaneously rendered incapacitated. Closing out the commercial you see BILL take a look around the apartment before following HOT GIRLFRIEND to the bedroom and the commercial ends with NEW ASSHOLE saying, "Forget the cloning."
I think it's better and quite frankly, you people are next so I don't really care if you disagree. I am however, willing to compromise on the dialogue because I kind of rushed it with this one. Occasionally you need to run through some hoodrats. It happens. Did you get it? I was calling myself an asshole.
Smoke #6: Hating commercials, improving commercials, disappointment in you.
-Slick
Monday, March 29, 2010
I, Robot is . . . [BONUS CONTENT!]
a pretty good movie starring Will Smith from 2004. I must apologize for reviewing a movie from 6 years ago as well as bumping Jon's "Burrito vs. Burrito" from the front spot but I have a self-imposed quota to fill. Sacrifices must be made.
Movie review. You may or not be familiar with the format. Slackers. First off, the category in which I would place this movie. If you forget the 6 categories go back to my review on "The Kingdom" and refresh your memories. Because I'm a busy man and have really important things to do. That's why I can't retype them. This movie falls into level 3: An "if you have nothing better to do." I liked it, but I didn't really like it. My reason for this will shortly be made clearer. Or more clear. Or mas claro. I'm not sure. Moving on, Question 1: Would I watch this movie again? Yeah, probably but I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it. Unlike A Knight's Tale. I know, that movie is pretty terrible but I love it. Question 2: Is this movie theater worthy? Again, I do not have this luxury, but I try to think of whether or not I would have been mad had I seen this movie in theaters. And really, I'm not sure. I probably would have been alright with it. Question 3: Does this movie make sense? It's about a futuristic society and robots . . . so yes? It's a tough call on a movie like this one. This review hasn't been helpful at all but I wrote it more so to make an observation about movies in general.
Movies these days are far too predictable. Even though there were some twists and turns along the way, I was never for a moment convinced it was going to end differently than it did. Take a movie like Swordfish for example. That movie sucked some serious wangchung but it gave you something different. Perhaps The Prestige is a better example because that movie didn't suck. In fact it's actually pretty awesome. If you take anything away from this incoherent rambling it should be that you absolutely need to watch that movie. And if you don't like it? Well then fuck you because you clearly have shitty taste in movies. The Prestige throws more wrenches at you than Patches O'Hoolihan. The point is, not enough movies really challenge the status quo. No ones willing to take a risk and it kind of sucks. Like Avatar. That movie was the biggest hyped thing I can think of and after 8 seconds you know how it's going to end. All I want is for a movie to surprise me. Is that too much to ask for? It's like asking for someone to make a commercial that isn't god awful.
Smoke #5: Enjoyment but a longing for something more. Two days, two posts.
-Slick
Movie review. You may or not be familiar with the format. Slackers. First off, the category in which I would place this movie. If you forget the 6 categories go back to my review on "The Kingdom" and refresh your memories. Because I'm a busy man and have really important things to do. That's why I can't retype them. This movie falls into level 3: An "if you have nothing better to do." I liked it, but I didn't really like it. My reason for this will shortly be made clearer. Or more clear. Or mas claro. I'm not sure. Moving on, Question 1: Would I watch this movie again? Yeah, probably but I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it. Unlike A Knight's Tale. I know, that movie is pretty terrible but I love it. Question 2: Is this movie theater worthy? Again, I do not have this luxury, but I try to think of whether or not I would have been mad had I seen this movie in theaters. And really, I'm not sure. I probably would have been alright with it. Question 3: Does this movie make sense? It's about a futuristic society and robots . . . so yes? It's a tough call on a movie like this one. This review hasn't been helpful at all but I wrote it more so to make an observation about movies in general.
Movies these days are far too predictable. Even though there were some twists and turns along the way, I was never for a moment convinced it was going to end differently than it did. Take a movie like Swordfish for example. That movie sucked some serious wangchung but it gave you something different. Perhaps The Prestige is a better example because that movie didn't suck. In fact it's actually pretty awesome. If you take anything away from this incoherent rambling it should be that you absolutely need to watch that movie. And if you don't like it? Well then fuck you because you clearly have shitty taste in movies. The Prestige throws more wrenches at you than Patches O'Hoolihan. The point is, not enough movies really challenge the status quo. No ones willing to take a risk and it kind of sucks. Like Avatar. That movie was the biggest hyped thing I can think of and after 8 seconds you know how it's going to end. All I want is for a movie to surprise me. Is that too much to ask for? It's like asking for someone to make a commercial that isn't god awful.
Smoke #5: Enjoyment but a longing for something more. Two days, two posts.
-Slick
While I agree wholeheartedly with Slick's desire for both a unpredictable movie and a decent commercial (other than the ones I made up myself), I think I know why the movie thing ain't gonna happen. Also, I will probably be providing spoilers here, so consider yourself warned.
People are stupid. Maybe not everyone, but a lot of them. Somewhere in the 85-95% range I would say. They like stupid movies (see: every romantic comedy ever made). People like knowing that the male and female lead are going to meet, get romantically involved, overcome some sort of jackass obstacle (see: Hitch, which is one of very few tolerable romantic comedies and still incredibly formulaic), and then get together in the end. There should also be a montage in there somewhere. Movie producers love montages (see: the Rocky series, which is like 40 minutes of movie and the rest is montages). People are highly resistant to change. They are also highly resistant to thinking.
Even when someone comes along and does something different (see: The Sixth Sense), people either lie about it by saying they knew it the whole time or are so blown away that the same jackass keeps making the same type of movie over and over while declining in quality the whole time so people get sick of it anyways. (Seriously, what were those aliens thinking?)
Unfortunately, since the stupid people, being the majority, spend most of the money, we are going to continue to get stupid bullshit followed by stupid romantic comedy bullshit followed by action movie bullshit (with added absurdity) until movies stop being an entertainment medium. Then we'll probably get some new kind of formulaic interactive virtual bullshit.
As Ron White so aptly put it, you can't fix stupid.
-Jon
Burrito vs. Burrito
Our main goal here at Mmmm, Opinions is to keep our reader(s?) entertained. The secondary goal is to try to use as many curse words as possible without diluting the message. There might also be a goal of trying to actually communicate an opinion somewhere in there, but that would definitely be a distant third. With these things in mind, I bring you a new feature: head-to-head battles. Maybe it will become a new thing.
First up: burrito vs. burrito. Think of it like Kramer vs. Kramer, except for the fact that the movie was about a custody battle (I think) and this is nothing like that at all besides the similarities in the titles. So maybe it's more like Alien vs. Predator? Did they fight each other for my love? Because that's what these burritos need to be accomplishing. Maybe I should start seeing the movies that I am using as reference points instead of assuming things about them.
On to the battle! Each battle will be broken into several categories (which is as many as it takes until I run out of ideas or get bored typing), followed by the winner being announced at the end. I am guessing that you are on the edge of your seat.
Qdoba's Ancho Chile BBQ Burrito vs. Bueno Y Sano's BBQ Chicken Burrito
Meat Volume
I am going to attempt to do this entire section without making any inappropriate remarks. I am not sure that it is possible.
The Ancho Chili Burrito had a decent amount of chicken on it. I would not say it was a huge amount of meat though. (Heh heh, that is dirty.) It was also kind of funny because the guy put chicken on the burrito even though Alex clearly said he wanted the chipotle pork at least twice, maybe 3 times. That guy was lucky that I was ordering the chicken version, or he would have wasted a burrito and presumably been beaten for it.
Now the Bueno y Sano burrito. . . that is a burrito. My first bite had no chicken, which made me mad. Until the 2nd bite. And all subsequent bites. Even down to the little weird fold thing at the end of the burrito. Chicken everywhere! It was like an entire bird was sacrificed to feed me.
Round 1: Bueno
BBQ Sauce
This one is not even a contest. The Bueno sauce was pretty good, but the Qdoba stuff was the stuff of legends. I wish I could have taken it, made a time machine, and put it on my burger. I would have then used the time machine for evil/selfish purposes.
Round 2: Qdoba
Rice
This one is a bit closer. The rice at Qdoba is some kind of crazy cilantro-lime rice. I bet Kathryn would like it, since I am pretty sure she is addicted to cilantro. It's also really good. The rice at Bueno is also good, but it does not have lime. Thus, because I am attempting to avoid scurvy, I've gotta give this round to the crazy spellers.
Round 3: Qdoba
Burrito Size
I am not sure what Taco Bell is up to, but their burritos are a farce. A burrito should be at least as large as 2 fists. Not girl fists either. I am talking like a Shaq fist. A good burrito size is one where you have to take a break at some point because your arms hurt from holding it up. Qdoba delivers in this department. I would be curious about the total weight of the burrito, but it was pretty huge. I am pretty sure my stomach is distended from eating it.
And then you have Bueno, which takes burrito size to a whole new level. That burrito was even bigger. I am not sure if a kidney is large, but I am guessing that mine are (due to their intense workloads) and this burrito was at least the size of my hypothetical kidney. And that wasn't even the largest one they offer. For like 50 cents more, you can get a "grande" burrito, which I have to guess is roughly the size of my giant head. I am too scared to even attempt this monstrosity while sober.
Round 4: Bueno
Restaurant Proximity
Obviously I am super selfish, so this category is entirely dominated by my location. Your mileage may vary. Also, a disclaimer: I used Mapquest. That may violate the no-research policy here, but as I am also one of the people in charge, I will waive the penalty.
The closest Qdoba is 43.80 miles away. I assume this is road distance and not as the crow flies. Meanwhile, Bueno has 3 locations within 2 towns, including one that is in Springfield that I just found out about. I am not sure why I didn't know this before, and I am incredibly disappointed in myself. There may be a new post about my own ineptitude in the near future.*
Round 5: Bueno
Winner
In the end, Bueno wins for 2 reasons: I can get there in less than 30 minutes, and I enjoy eating enormous burritos. Please come visit me in the hospital after I attempt the grande and my stomach explodes.
So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this edition of Thing vs. Thing. If you didn't that is ok too, because I really just like writing ridiculous shit and don't really care (see: The Cupcake Saga). Also, if you want to go get burritos, let me know. I am always down for some craziness.
-Jon
*- No there won't.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Southwest Airline "Bags Fly Free" Commercials are . . .
absolutely fucking irritating. I hate them about as much as I hate Duke and those stupid little fuckers just advanced to the Final Four which is so fucking annoying. This morning my roommate said that he had to root for Duke to win because, and I'm quoting, "I have to rep the ACC." That might be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. In case you don't know, BC is the same conference as Duke so by some sort of stupid little douchefucker moron logic it makes sense to root for Duke because it makes BC look good or some stupid shit. I told him that I would rather drag my nuts across broken glass than ever root for Duke. And I mean it. However, that "Matt" fellow promised a post about how much he hated Duke so I won't steal his thunder. Remember? Way back in his post about Wes Welker? Remember that?
So the most recent Fuckwest airline commercial has a bunch of fatasses walking toward an airplane and then they lift up their shirts spelling out "BAGS FLY FREE". Just fantastic work. Let's see: there used to be that stupid ass remix where it was kind of like a rap and then there was another stupid one where there's a bunch of baggage handlers yelling stupid shit at airplanes like "Why do you charge for bags?" To make money? So I guess stripping fat guys is an improvement but it's the kind where you go from failing to having a D- average so it's not something to brag about. Apparently Southwest is trying to convince me to fly their stupid ass airline because I don't have to pay for bags, which could be as much as $120 roundtrip, you know, if I need every article of clothing I've ever owned.
Everyone loves saving money, so I suppose that not having to pay baggage fees is a facet of your airline you would like to promote. Just don't be so fucking annoying about it. Also, don't make me try to believe that your baggage handlers love bags. I don't fly often but I have yet to see a baggage handler that didn't handle luggage like it was a sack of shit. Maybe Southwest has the market cornered on baggage handlers that like their job . . . but I doubt it.
Also, I've never flown Southwest, nor will I because of their stupid commercials, but apparently they have some sort of free for all fuckfest when it comes to seating so that no one has a reserved seat. That just sounds awful even if my lovely little bags get to ride for free.
Finally, my Snapple "Fun Fact of the Day": apparently beavers used to be the size of bears. I find that terrifying.
Smoke #4: Hate. I need to do one every day in order to get to 7 before March ends so keep an eye out.
-Slick
So the most recent Fuckwest airline commercial has a bunch of fatasses walking toward an airplane and then they lift up their shirts spelling out "BAGS FLY FREE". Just fantastic work. Let's see: there used to be that stupid ass remix where it was kind of like a rap and then there was another stupid one where there's a bunch of baggage handlers yelling stupid shit at airplanes like "Why do you charge for bags?" To make money? So I guess stripping fat guys is an improvement but it's the kind where you go from failing to having a D- average so it's not something to brag about. Apparently Southwest is trying to convince me to fly their stupid ass airline because I don't have to pay for bags, which could be as much as $120 roundtrip, you know, if I need every article of clothing I've ever owned.
Everyone loves saving money, so I suppose that not having to pay baggage fees is a facet of your airline you would like to promote. Just don't be so fucking annoying about it. Also, don't make me try to believe that your baggage handlers love bags. I don't fly often but I have yet to see a baggage handler that didn't handle luggage like it was a sack of shit. Maybe Southwest has the market cornered on baggage handlers that like their job . . . but I doubt it.
Also, I've never flown Southwest, nor will I because of their stupid commercials, but apparently they have some sort of free for all fuckfest when it comes to seating so that no one has a reserved seat. That just sounds awful even if my lovely little bags get to ride for free.
Finally, my Snapple "Fun Fact of the Day": apparently beavers used to be the size of bears. I find that terrifying.
Smoke #4: Hate. I need to do one every day in order to get to 7 before March ends so keep an eye out.
-Slick
Friday, March 26, 2010
Harpoon Crystal Wheat is. . .
delicious, and tastes like beer lemonade. That doesn't really sound good, but imagine the awesomeness of beer combined with the awesomeness of lemonade. And good lemonade. Not crappy lemonade because your grandmother combined it with terrible iced tea to make a half-assed Arnold Palmer. And then, no matter what, there was always sand in it when you went to the beach. Even if you drank some on the way there. It was like magic sand. That is bullshit.
Ok, back on topic. At least for a little while.
Alex had some beer in his fridge, but I picked up some extra Blackbeary Wheats just in case the fridge ran out of beer. He already had grabbed the Harpoon mixed pack, which was made up of the Harpoon UFO, the aforementioned Crystal Wheat, and something else that is like 15 feet away right now and I just can't be bothered to get up. Maybe I'll update this later.*
The Crystal Wheat is a quality brew, if you like lemon flavor. If you don't like lemons, you will definitely want to avoid this one. Actually, you will want to get it, then bring it to my house so I can drink it for you. And laugh at you for not liking good beers. Fool!
Final verdict? I like it! Which means you should like it.
-Jon
* - I will not be updating this post. That's not how we do things here are Mmmm, Opinions. The only things that change are when I go back and read the posts to find all the grammatical mistakes, or add an excessive amount of commas to previous posts. Keep your eyes peeled for Mmmm, Commas.
The Census is . . .
clearly being run by a group of morons. I will now tip my cap to Jon for use of that phrase. Apparently the same people who are in charge of the Cleveland Orchestra are in charge of counting up this nation's assholes. But I'm here to propose a complete game changer, a way for you to not only be willing to fill out the census but actually look forward to doing it.
I went over to wikipedia to get some information because apparently that doesn't count as real research. Fuck professors. Anyway, I learned that the 2010 census is going to cost about $11.3 billion. That is at least 1 assload of money. I forget the exchange rate though. Now, since we're dealing with a government project I'll assume that they're lying about the 11.3 and really it's going to be higher. Remember, these are the same douchebags that are in charge of the USPS. (Jon, when you read/edit this make sure you make a link to your post. I don't know how, nor do I really want to spend the 8 seconds figuring it out. You can leave this in though. I think people will chuckle.) Chris worked for the USPS for a while and if I remember correctly you get 3 hours of break for every 15 minutes of work. So . . . it's safe to assume that 11.3 is a bullshit number. For the sake of argument, let's say that the real cost is $12 billion even though it's most likely higher.
Instead of spending that money to send you a letter telling you that you will soon be receiving a letter with instructions on how to fill out your census, which will be coming soon in another letter, why don't they just pay you to fill out the census. I don't need to see some cocksmuggler on the tv in his bathrobe telling me that the census helps my community get money for schools and hospitals and roads. What is this, 1830? Who the fuck needs money for roads? Is it for road improvements? Because you should fucking tell me that. I don't want my tax dollars, not that I pay any, going to some asshole because he lives in the middle of fucking nowhere. Fuck that guy. I want my, I mean someone else's, money going to make Ludlow better so it isn't a complete piece of shit because more than likely that's where I'm going to be living. Shit, if you want people to do something just give them a reason to do it. "We can't move forward until you send it back." Well fuck you, because I don't give two shits.
Enough ranting, here's my proposed solution: Take that 12 billion dollars and give it to the people. For the sake of calculations let's just guess that there's 200 million people who have to fill out the census because of kids and spouses and whatnot. It might be too high of an estimate but it makes for easy calculations. Take 2 billion out for waste/administrative expenses and divide 10 billion among 200 million people or each person receives $50, but that doesn't seem worth it so I've come up with a better plan. Quadruple that 10 billion and make it $40 billion so that each person receives $200 and call it the US Census Government Stimulus Plan. Would you make sure to fill out your census for $200? Because I would be willing to fill out your census for $200. Not only would people want to fill out their census forms but it would cost relatively little for government. I believe U.S. Senators wipe their asses with $42 billion bills.
Jon, if you don't have any plans yet is it cool if I move in this summer? It will make commuting to Burger Brothers much faster.
Smoke #3: Good old-fashioned hate the way God intended. The Old Testament God.
-Slick
I went over to wikipedia to get some information because apparently that doesn't count as real research. Fuck professors. Anyway, I learned that the 2010 census is going to cost about $11.3 billion. That is at least 1 assload of money. I forget the exchange rate though. Now, since we're dealing with a government project I'll assume that they're lying about the 11.3 and really it's going to be higher. Remember, these are the same douchebags that are in charge of the USPS. (Jon, when you read/edit this make sure you make a link to your post. I don't know how, nor do I really want to spend the 8 seconds figuring it out. You can leave this in though. I think people will chuckle.) Chris worked for the USPS for a while and if I remember correctly you get 3 hours of break for every 15 minutes of work. So . . . it's safe to assume that 11.3 is a bullshit number. For the sake of argument, let's say that the real cost is $12 billion even though it's most likely higher.
Instead of spending that money to send you a letter telling you that you will soon be receiving a letter with instructions on how to fill out your census, which will be coming soon in another letter, why don't they just pay you to fill out the census. I don't need to see some cocksmuggler on the tv in his bathrobe telling me that the census helps my community get money for schools and hospitals and roads. What is this, 1830? Who the fuck needs money for roads? Is it for road improvements? Because you should fucking tell me that. I don't want my tax dollars, not that I pay any, going to some asshole because he lives in the middle of fucking nowhere. Fuck that guy. I want my, I mean someone else's, money going to make Ludlow better so it isn't a complete piece of shit because more than likely that's where I'm going to be living. Shit, if you want people to do something just give them a reason to do it. "We can't move forward until you send it back." Well fuck you, because I don't give two shits.
Enough ranting, here's my proposed solution: Take that 12 billion dollars and give it to the people. For the sake of calculations let's just guess that there's 200 million people who have to fill out the census because of kids and spouses and whatnot. It might be too high of an estimate but it makes for easy calculations. Take 2 billion out for waste/administrative expenses and divide 10 billion among 200 million people or each person receives $50, but that doesn't seem worth it so I've come up with a better plan. Quadruple that 10 billion and make it $40 billion so that each person receives $200 and call it the US Census Government Stimulus Plan. Would you make sure to fill out your census for $200? Because I would be willing to fill out your census for $200. Not only would people want to fill out their census forms but it would cost relatively little for government. I believe U.S. Senators wipe their asses with $42 billion bills.
Jon, if you don't have any plans yet is it cool if I move in this summer? It will make commuting to Burger Brothers much faster.
Smoke #3: Good old-fashioned hate the way God intended. The Old Testament God.
-Slick
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Old Navy Supermodelquins are . . .
not really a surprise here, I think these commercials are fucking stupid. They might be the worst commercials on television. I hate them more than the "Most Retarded Puppets." I haven't seen Count Kobe or Retard LeBron lately so I'm going to assume that it's because of me. If you've seen one recently let me know so I can go hate it. Nevertheless, for now the Supermodelquins are firmly cemented as my least favorite commercial. But we here at MMMMOpinions know that with great power . . . or the ability to type . . . we have a responsibility not just to hate but to improve. So today I'm taking a page out of the Jon Dias playbook and I'm going to suggest how to make the supermodelquins not so fucking stupid. Which they are. Fucking stupid.
Now, there are a lot of these shit nuggets out there but the most recent ones appear to center around some sort of "America's Next Top Model" format. Yes, I am embarrassed that I know that. Anyway the commercials are some sort of stupid shit where a human is surrounded by talking mannequins or some stupid shit and then they get eliminated because of some stupid shit and then there's some sort of stupid shit voiceover talking about some more stupid shit. Just a really solid commercial all-around. It's just baffling how someone could have thought this was a good idea. But fortunately I have a solution other than just completely scrapping this horrible campaign.
So that's the premise: STUPID WOMAN is going through the regular commercial and gets eliminated because her hair was in her eyes or something. But here's where we present two alternatives of which you may pick your favorite. I told you people to get involved before but now I'm requesting your mmmmopinion on which one is better. That's right: this blog just got interactive.
Scenario 1: After STUPID WOMAN gets eliminated she completely loses her shit and just starts going ballistic on all of the modelquins. I mean, she really starts fucking these things up. She begins by whipping one of them across the set, then gets all Bruce Banner on their asses and rips two in half. Next, for some reason there's a woodchipper in the corner and she chucks a couple in there and then for her coup de grace she grabs a battleaxe and stars hacking them to pieces. The commercial ends by panning out and the Old Navy voiceover guy says something like "Old Navy: Battleaxes not included.'
Scenario 2: After STUPID WOMAN gets eliminated she completely loses her shit, but this time she begins sobbing uncontrollably. She's really working up a good cry when there's a man's voice going, "Honey, are you ok?" The scene shifts to a bedroom where STUPID WOMAN has set up chairs and some other furniture to look like the supermodelquins. STUPID WOMAN rushes out of the room saying, "Yeah I'm fine. Why would you even ask me that?" Camera shifts to MAN standing in doorway, but at this point you can only see his face. As he takes in the scene before him he utters, "And she says I'm crazy." Camera then shifts again to show his entire body, revealing MAN wearing a suit of armor. MAN then turns and yells, "Alright I'm going to the grocery store." Old Navy voiceover guy finishes the commercial by saying, "Old Navy: Supermodelquin style for super low prices."
Now let your voices be heard.
Smoke #2: Hate with a little desire for improvement. Ugh, there must be something in the water.
-Slick
Now, there are a lot of these shit nuggets out there but the most recent ones appear to center around some sort of "America's Next Top Model" format. Yes, I am embarrassed that I know that. Anyway the commercials are some sort of stupid shit where a human is surrounded by talking mannequins or some stupid shit and then they get eliminated because of some stupid shit and then there's some sort of stupid shit voiceover talking about some more stupid shit. Just a really solid commercial all-around. It's just baffling how someone could have thought this was a good idea. But fortunately I have a solution other than just completely scrapping this horrible campaign.
So that's the premise: STUPID WOMAN is going through the regular commercial and gets eliminated because her hair was in her eyes or something. But here's where we present two alternatives of which you may pick your favorite. I told you people to get involved before but now I'm requesting your mmmmopinion on which one is better. That's right: this blog just got interactive.
Scenario 1: After STUPID WOMAN gets eliminated she completely loses her shit and just starts going ballistic on all of the modelquins. I mean, she really starts fucking these things up. She begins by whipping one of them across the set, then gets all Bruce Banner on their asses and rips two in half. Next, for some reason there's a woodchipper in the corner and she chucks a couple in there and then for her coup de grace she grabs a battleaxe and stars hacking them to pieces. The commercial ends by panning out and the Old Navy voiceover guy says something like "Old Navy: Battleaxes not included.'
Scenario 2: After STUPID WOMAN gets eliminated she completely loses her shit, but this time she begins sobbing uncontrollably. She's really working up a good cry when there's a man's voice going, "Honey, are you ok?" The scene shifts to a bedroom where STUPID WOMAN has set up chairs and some other furniture to look like the supermodelquins. STUPID WOMAN rushes out of the room saying, "Yeah I'm fine. Why would you even ask me that?" Camera shifts to MAN standing in doorway, but at this point you can only see his face. As he takes in the scene before him he utters, "And she says I'm crazy." Camera then shifts again to show his entire body, revealing MAN wearing a suit of armor. MAN then turns and yells, "Alright I'm going to the grocery store." Old Navy voiceover guy finishes the commercial by saying, "Old Navy: Supermodelquin style for super low prices."
Now let your voices be heard.
Smoke #2: Hate with a little desire for improvement. Ugh, there must be something in the water.
-Slick
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Town of Ludlow is. . .
apparently run by morons. I know, I was also surprised to find out that a small, suburban town with a dominant ethic population wasn't exactly running a tight ship. Now, there are probably a whole lot of reasons that I could choose from, but that would take a good 5-6 hours and I'd still probably forget a few. Today, I'm just going to focus on one thing. Maybe this will become a recurring thing, like the commercial hatred so often found at this site.
Also, this was going to be a Facebook status update in the form of a letter to the town, but then I realized I used up today's status update making fun of Mom and couldn't let that go to waste. Alright, let's look at the evidence.
Today is local election day, and as I always do my civic duty (heh heh, duty), I felt obligated to vote. Also, because I wanted to corrupt the voting process by making silly write-in votes. If Melissa Santos wins a seat on the Board of Selectmen, you know who to thank. Now, issue number one with the town is that there is a voting precinct roughly 300 yards from my house, but I do not vote there. And as it turns out, I also don't vote at the precinct where I currently live.
Listen, Town, I work for you. Let's not get hung up on the semantics of how much work I actually do, the main idea here is that I am employed by you. Also, I have had 3 different addresses since I started working for you, which I realize could be confusing unless I had clearly indicated to you that I had moved. Wait, I did do that. Please tell me how you managed to track me from Center to Munsing, but not from Munsing to King. You are capable of correctly labeling my paychecks. You send me correspondence at this address. You literally sent me my excise tax form in the past few weeks! How do you not know that I moved? Actually more importantly, since you clearly knew I moved, how come you didn't update the voter registration?
Let me save you some time. It's because the people in charge there are stupid or lazy. Probably lazy, but stupid is more fun. Maybe when I am retired from teaching I could get a job in the town hall. I am lazy, and I can act stupid. Things are looking up for the future.
Apologies to Slick from knocking his post out so quickly. However, stupidity on this scale can't be ignored.
-Jon
Party Playoff is . . .
a boardgame that potentially could be a lot of fun if you played with a good group of people. I however played with a group of sucknuts. It's beyond irritating to hear a group of drunk girls shrieking after every round. Holy shit, I've never hit nor would I ever hit a woman but I would get Chris Rock to shake the shit out of them. Did anyone get that? But wait, (cue dramatic music) I still need to explain how you play.
Party Playoff is a NCAA tournament bracket style game with 4 regions, each with 8 potential winners. The 4 regions are people, places, activities, and things. The way the game works is that there is a championship question set up like, "What do cops spend more time thinking about?" so you pick your favorite from each of the four regions and then pick a final round and then your winner. You could keep this question in mind as you pick your winners, but really it doesn't make that much of a difference because some dumbass is going to ruin your bracket. If you've ever filled out a bracket it's pretty much the exact same thing. However, the way you pick a winner for each individual matchup is by flipping a card and then reading the question corresponding to that category eventually narrowing down each region. You get points by picking the winner of each region, the championship matchup, and the ultimate winner. You can also score points by choosing another player and guessing which one they'll choose as their ultimate winner. Like I've said, if you've ever filled out a bracket you'll pick up how to play pretty easily.
There's two styles to play it though: you could either pick the answer that makes more sense or you could pick the answer that's funnier. If you know me at all you clearly know that I chose the funnier one. For example, one of the "location" matchups was between "night club" and "fitting room" and the question was "Where would you rather take a group of 8 year olds?" How can you turn down the comedic quality of fitting room? It's obviously the funnier answer but the group of . . . wait, what did I call them, sucknuts? . . . that we were playing with refused to take the funny approach. Well that's just fucking stupid. What's the point of playing if you're not going to choose the funnier answer? I bet they're the kind of people that don't automatically pick "Helen Keller" when they play Apples 2 Apples. Or they're the kind of people that enjoyed Transformers 2. Sucknuts. So overall I'd say that it's a game that could be fun depending on the group but the group I played with was super annoying. And as you know, I'm not easily annoyed.
Smoke #1: Optimistic potential with a side of annoying people. Being completely optimistic wouldn't have felt right.
-Slick
Party Playoff is a NCAA tournament bracket style game with 4 regions, each with 8 potential winners. The 4 regions are people, places, activities, and things. The way the game works is that there is a championship question set up like, "What do cops spend more time thinking about?" so you pick your favorite from each of the four regions and then pick a final round and then your winner. You could keep this question in mind as you pick your winners, but really it doesn't make that much of a difference because some dumbass is going to ruin your bracket. If you've ever filled out a bracket it's pretty much the exact same thing. However, the way you pick a winner for each individual matchup is by flipping a card and then reading the question corresponding to that category eventually narrowing down each region. You get points by picking the winner of each region, the championship matchup, and the ultimate winner. You can also score points by choosing another player and guessing which one they'll choose as their ultimate winner. Like I've said, if you've ever filled out a bracket you'll pick up how to play pretty easily.
There's two styles to play it though: you could either pick the answer that makes more sense or you could pick the answer that's funnier. If you know me at all you clearly know that I chose the funnier one. For example, one of the "location" matchups was between "night club" and "fitting room" and the question was "Where would you rather take a group of 8 year olds?" How can you turn down the comedic quality of fitting room? It's obviously the funnier answer but the group of . . . wait, what did I call them, sucknuts? . . . that we were playing with refused to take the funny approach. Well that's just fucking stupid. What's the point of playing if you're not going to choose the funnier answer? I bet they're the kind of people that don't automatically pick "Helen Keller" when they play Apples 2 Apples. Or they're the kind of people that enjoyed Transformers 2. Sucknuts. So overall I'd say that it's a game that could be fun depending on the group but the group I played with was super annoying. And as you know, I'm not easily annoyed.
Smoke #1: Optimistic potential with a side of annoying people. Being completely optimistic wouldn't have felt right.
-Slick
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Ugly Americans is . . .
a really really crappy show on Comedy Central. It's probably one of the worst shows I've ever seen. I would rather watch Beautician and the Beast. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for an hour. If I have to hear "Ya Mo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Ya mo" burn this place to the ground. I may have watched The 40 Year Old Virgin last night. A quick aside, the "I'm going to" in the last one seems like it doesn't really need to be there. "Ya mo burn this place to the ground" would have worked just fine. But seriously, Ugly Americans sucks like a Ludlow Middle School 8th grade girl.
I watch Comedy Central frequently for Tosh.0 or South Park or Scrubs reruns. It's on a lot and nobody likes advertising their own shit more than Comedy Central. So I've seen commercials for Ugly Americans every commercial break for like 8 months. At least it seems that long. I thought this show was going to suck because nothing on the commercials looked funny, the animation looked shitty and frankly I couldn't figure out why there was a manfishthing and a zombie, which by the way was never explained. Nevertheless, I figured it couldn't be as bad as the Sarah Silverman Show or Tyler Perry's Meet the Shitheads and those atrocities are still on tv. But sweet Odin's raven, this show probably sucks just as bad. I don't remember laughing once and that's a bad sign when your show airs on Comedy Central. Other than not being funny, having 0 likeable characters and ultimately looking like ass this show had some real promise. Not that you were going to, but if you were thinking of watching this trainwreck just save yourself the time and have a friend punch you in the face instead.
Also, the South Park episode about Tiger Woods banging hoodrats and random street trash was just alright. I don't care if you call yourself the guru of pop culture or the Sports Fucker or whatever self-absorbed nickname you have, there's absolutely no chance that was a top 10 all-time episode. It had some decent moments but South Park is usually at its lamest when it tries to use a contemporary issue as fodder. Now the Ginger Kids episode, that's a mortal lock for my South Park Mount Rushmore. Just because a lot of people read your writing doesn't make you the end-all expert about everything. 6 and 1/2 people read my blog but that doesn't make me an expert . . . being awesome does.
I'm blowing 7 different kinds of smoke this week to end March on a real tear. Spoiler Alert: most of the smoke is just hate. Like you would have expected anything different.
-Slick
I watch Comedy Central frequently for Tosh.0 or South Park or Scrubs reruns. It's on a lot and nobody likes advertising their own shit more than Comedy Central. So I've seen commercials for Ugly Americans every commercial break for like 8 months. At least it seems that long. I thought this show was going to suck because nothing on the commercials looked funny, the animation looked shitty and frankly I couldn't figure out why there was a manfishthing and a zombie, which by the way was never explained. Nevertheless, I figured it couldn't be as bad as the Sarah Silverman Show or Tyler Perry's Meet the Shitheads and those atrocities are still on tv. But sweet Odin's raven, this show probably sucks just as bad. I don't remember laughing once and that's a bad sign when your show airs on Comedy Central. Other than not being funny, having 0 likeable characters and ultimately looking like ass this show had some real promise. Not that you were going to, but if you were thinking of watching this trainwreck just save yourself the time and have a friend punch you in the face instead.
Also, the South Park episode about Tiger Woods banging hoodrats and random street trash was just alright. I don't care if you call yourself the guru of pop culture or the Sports Fucker or whatever self-absorbed nickname you have, there's absolutely no chance that was a top 10 all-time episode. It had some decent moments but South Park is usually at its lamest when it tries to use a contemporary issue as fodder. Now the Ginger Kids episode, that's a mortal lock for my South Park Mount Rushmore. Just because a lot of people read your writing doesn't make you the end-all expert about everything. 6 and 1/2 people read my blog but that doesn't make me an expert . . . being awesome does.
I'm blowing 7 different kinds of smoke this week to end March on a real tear. Spoiler Alert: most of the smoke is just hate. Like you would have expected anything different.
-Slick
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Night Angel Trilogy is. . .
good, but I probably should have read it before I read the Mistborn Trilogy. Which I didn't write about, because I forget things sometimes. So sue me. Unless you're Rick Reilly and you're suing for defamation.
The books are pretty recent (2008 if the inside covers can be believed) and they feel like the dude who wrote them is kind of new to big-time writing. The story is really good, and it's got magic and swords and people acting all crazy, which means it's right up my alley. But there are some parts that are weird, and just feel kind of awkward.
For instance, the author uses the word "fuck" and various derivations thereof even more than Slick. That's a lot of cursing. I mean, I like cursing as much as the next guy, but at some point it just gets gratuitous. Heh heh, that's a fun word. Also, in the 3rd book there are something like 100 chapters for 700 pages. It's not like we're talking a Dan Brown ratio (where you can sometimes get 3 or 4 chapters in a single page) but that's a little silly.
The good parts are the fact that it's got people that have magic. Yeah, I'm a pretty big nerd. Or geek. Whichever one is better. And in the end, the good guys win, which is pretty much all the time in this genre. I think a funny joke would be to write a book series and have this elaborate buildup for like 3 books, and then the bad guys win in the end. I bet people would flip. Hmmm, maybe I have something to do this summer. Right, back to the book. I guess all the characters that aren't the "main" character are pretty awesome too. Sometimes it was weird because there were a bunch of chapters in a row that didn't even touch on the main guy. Of course, that was only like 20 pages, but it's still weird to leave out the star. It might have been a good plan to ignore him temporarily though, because sometimes he was a jackass and made me wish he would die.
In the long run, it ends up being a pretty good sci-fi/fantasy tale. It's not nearly as long-winded as The Wheel of Time and it actually came out unlike the last 3 books of A Song of Ice and Fire (fuckin' George R. R. Martin. . .), so it's got that going for it. Seriously, what is Martin's game? I swear I read A Feast for Crows right around when I moved to Munsing, and that was a long time ago. At least Robert Jordan has an excuse for delaying his books, what with his being deceased and whatnot. Martin is just being a fat, hairy douche.*
Where was I? Oh right, The Night Angel. Pretty good books. Not exactly up to Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn books, but I'm glad Amazon suggested them.
Final verdict? If you like any of the other books I've mentioned here, you will probably like these ones as well. They will help you kill time until Martin gets off his ass and publishes A Dance With Dragons, or the last Wheel of Time books come out in paperback.
-Jon
*I already knew Martin was fat and hairy before I wrote this, so it doesn't count as research. Also, I hope his Wikipedia page doesn't change the picture at any time soon, because then my link will look stupid.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Opa Opa Double Red Rock is. . .
one tasty brew. Although if you don't like their Red Rock Ale, chances are that you are not going to like this one. And even if you do like the Red Rock, you still may not because this one is, as the name suggests, about twice as strong.
Apparently the Greenfield area, despite being in Franklin County, is a hotbed of places that don't suck. For instance, The Hope and Olive is a delightful little restaurant with a good beer selection, and Cafe Martin has their fantastic bruschetta along with a bunch of other food that is good. Fine, Cafe Martin is actually in Shelburne Falls, but whatever. Franklin County is basically just one giant town to me anyways.
Even more awesome than these fine eating establishments is Ryan & Casey's, a giant package store like 4 minutes from Kathryn's house. She warned me not to be overwhelmed, but I was a little awestruck anyways. They had so many different kinds of beer there, including some that I think they just made up. Hooker Beer? Come on now.
They also were sponsoring (if that's the right word) a beer tasting by Opa-Opa. (Strange side note. According to the built-in spell checker here, the first time I wrote Opa it is misspelled, but the second time it is not. Weird stuff.) Woohoo! Free beer! I had previously tried most of the beers they had to offer, but not the elaborately named F15 Zeta Edition Double Red Rock. Ummm. . . right. I believe the Zeta refers to some kind of Alfa and Omega brewing specials they are doing because this is the 6th one. Also, they spell Alfa weird. I have no idea why it's F15.
So I gave it a try, then wandered around the giant store looking at beers and making a decision. Finally, I went with the growler of DRR because I got a free pint glass with it! I am a sucker for free things apparently.
Final verdict? I recommend it. It's like Red Rock, but with a way higher alcohol content, and there's nothing wrong with that!
-Jon
PS - I make no apologies for my shameless cross-linking between the 2 blogs. Self-promotion is the key to. . . something.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A Slight Change of Pace
Now, we here at Mmmmopinions have had a lot of fun at the expense of. . . well, pretty much anything. But tonight, I am here to help. As Slick has pointed out a couple of times, most commercials are terrible. However, they don't have to be that way. It's just that the people making them seem to have some sort of inability to be funny.
One of the easiest ways to make a bad commercial better, or to make a good commercial great, is to add violence. It can be either unexpected violence, which is always awesome, or expected violence but delivered in a funny way. Before you get all offended, maybe you should read the following paragraphs. Also, all these ideas are based on actual commercials, which probably makes this plagiarism.
First, we will deal with the expected violence but in a funny way. Remember the Doritos commercial during the Super Bowl? No, not that one. No, not that one either. Yes, I realize there were 17 different commercials. I am talking about the one where the guy goes to see his girlfriend, and she is upstairs, so he sits on the couch and then a little kid slaps him in the face and tells him not to touch his mama or his Doritos. Problem with this commercial? That's where it ends. Solution? Here you go.
Scene: A normal suburban home living room. STUPID LITTLE KID is in the room.
Enter GUY.
[WOMAN's VOICE OFFSCREEN]: I'll be down in a second.
GUY: Hey little man.
GUY sits down on couch and grabs a Dorito.
STUPID LITTLE KID walks over and slaps GUY.
STUPID LITTLE KID: Don't touch my mama, and don't touch my chips.
Cut to outside view of house. STUPID LITTLE KID comes flying out a bay window, shattering the glass.
[MALE ANNOUNCER voiceover]: Doritos. Good enough to throw a kid for.
See? That commercial was almost good on its own, but it failed to follow up the kid slapping the guy with something expected, which is the kid getting his ass handed to him. Believe me, if a kid slapped me, there will be repercussions.
The other company that seriously needs my assistance is AT&T. They used to have those terrible bar commercials where all sorts of different objects mysteriously formed those 5 bars. Those are beyond my abilities, as there is not an easy way to work someone getting slapped into those. Then they had the ones with the little orange clocks representing rollover minutes, which have some hope. Finally, or currently, they abandoned those for whatever reason to sign up with either Fat Luke Wilson, or a fat guy who has killed Luke Wilson and is now wearing him as a suit. They are just stupid, which Slick has addressed.
So it looks like I'm fixing the Rollover commercials. Easy.
Scene: A family sedan traveling along a quiet road. DAD is driving, MOM is in the front passenger seat and STUPID KID and OTHER KID are sitting in the backseat.
STUPID KID is looking down at his phone.
STUPID KID: Hey Mom, I need some minutes.
MOM: What? I just gave you some at the restaurant.
STUPID KID: Yeah, I threw those out; they were old.
MOM (getting irritated): They're Rollover minutes, they're still fine!
STUPID KID: Yeah, but there were old.
MOM stares angrily for a second, then leaps over the seat into the backseat. She repeatedly hits STUPID KID with an open palm.
MOM: Goddam it, how many times to I have to tell you, there's no difference! Stop throwing out my goddam minutes you moron!! I told your father not to smoke around me while I was pregnant with your stupid ass!!
MOM takes STUPID KID's phone and throws it from the moving vehicle.
MOM: There! Now you've got plenty of minutes. Ass hat.
[MALE ANNOUNCER voiceover]: Only AT&T has Rollover, which lets you keep your unused minutes. Sign up now and shut your stupid kids up.
And fixed. You have to figure that there's only so many times that that stupid kid could throw out the minutes before the Mom flipped her shit. So really I'm just giving people what they want.
Any commercial companies out there, I can help you too. Basically I will take your awful crap and make it into something that will sell products and offend losers. Because seriously, you don't want losers buying your stuff. It totally sends the wrong message.
Also, if you laughed at that second commercial, you may be a jerk, so you should probably go donate some money so that it will cancel out your bad karma.
-Jon
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Rick Reilly is. . .
possibly a huge douchebag. Or maybe he's just a jackass. Or possibly a fake. I can't really tell, and it's bothering me.
ESPN is my homepage, so I have to look at his stupid smiling face every morning when I load up a session of Safari in order to do all the important internet things I do. That would be: mouth off on Facebook, read Penny Arcade, talk trash on SWC, read my brothers' blog posts, and randomly click links that seem promising. Yeah my life is exciting.
It was that last bit of internet jackassery that got me even more annoyed than usual at Mr Reilly. His tag line was something about the most important event in women's sports history, so I was intrigued and decided to click it. Also, <Insert a joke from Slick about women's sports> as I am sleepy and don't feel like being creative. Anyways, the article was about how some woman named something won some men's bowling event and that is like huge or something.
Seriously? What a douchebag. Bowling is one of the only "sports" where men don't have an obvious advantage over women, and that's the one he chooses as the most important thing women have ever done in sports?
He also goes on and criticizes a bunch of people for not making a bigger deal of it. My guess is that if anyone else had said anything, his article wouldn't have been written at all. So basically he makes a big deal of the fact that other people don't make a big deal of it. Douchebag. He also says something like Barack Obama should have called the woman. I can't really remember because I don't like thinking ahead when I type and bothering to remember details like that. Based on the current economic climate, our multiple wars and the fact that the postal system is embarrassing, I would hope that the Big O would have more important things to do. I wonder if Rick Reilly even called her. Obviously it takes a big man to call out other people and a big douchebag to call out other people and not even bother to take your own advice. I obviously fall into the 2nd category. It's far more fun to sit back and call Rick Reilly a douchebag and rip on the Cleveland Orchestra and things like that than to actually go out and be a good person. But I'm not getting paid hundreds of thousands to sit here and be a douchebag. I do it for the love of the game. Actually, I hope Rick Reilly doesn't read this article. That would be embarrassing for me.
Also, can you even name a professional bowler? Ok, name one more. Out of names yet? That's what I thought. It's like the most obscure sport to be a fan of. Well, of which to be a fan, but that sounds douchey, which means Rick Reilly would probably write like that.
Another issue is that since Reilly no longer at Sports Illustrated, I am exposed to his saccharine, Mitch Albom-esque bullshit on a more regular basis. On a side note, is there anyone who has found a niche quite like Mitch Albom, other than maybe that guy who wrote the books that became The Notebook and Dear John and that new movie that may or may not be a figment of my imagination or possibly Dan Brown? Those 3 guys (or 2 if Mitch Albom or Dan Brown also wrote The Notebook) have literally written the same book over and over and people keep buying them. That's how Reilly writes: everything is about how someone we don't really know of is awesome and we should feel like shit for not recognizing this awesomeness.
I think the problem is that Reilly's general attitude reminds me of Joe Buck, who I also can't stand. Joe Buck acts like he's superior to everyone that is around him and that we're blessed to get to listen to him broadcast. As soon as baseball season starts and reminds me of how much I hate Joe Buck after having to listen to him broadcast football games, I am going to write a post about how awful he is when he does Sunday Night Baseball or Wednesday Night Baseball or Saturday Early Afternoon Baseball or Tuesday Morning Brunch Baseball or whichever show the Red Sox sometimes play on and force me to listen to someone other than Orsillo and Remy.
Wow, this post went in a lot of different directions.
Here's the summary: Rick Reilly is a douchebag, Joe Buck is a pretentious douchebag, Mitch Albom and Dan Brown and possibly some other guy only have one literary move, bowling is awesome, and a woman winning a bowling event is pretty cool, but it's not the second coming of Jesus. Chill out, Rick. Why don't you write a post about Tiger Woods or something. I don't think that well's run dry yet.
-Jon
Who is Matt and why is he criticizing my blog?
It's been a busy day here at mmmmopinions. First Jon praised the efficiency of the USPS. Then I wrote a piece making fun of some stuff (shocking right?) but then some Matt kid decided that he disagreed with my opinion so he started a feud that's sweeping the nation, "Bracketologygate." Make sure you go back and read them all because this has been without a doubt our most successful day ever. Or least successful, depends on how you view things but as you know, I tend to be a glass-half-full kinda guy. On with the rebuttal, which I'm going to try to do like an adult i.e. as little swearing as possible.
For starters, I have to congratulate this Matt guy on capturing my voice in his blog. Pretty much spot on. However, I did not clearly articulate what it is about Bracketology that I hate so much. I have no problem with Joey "Brackets" Lunardi making a fake bracket seeding teams where he thinks they'll be placed. I write a public online diary so who am I to judge? I have absolutely no problem using the selection criteria in order to compare teams, in fact, I believe that was one of the things I praised about Bracketology. Here's what I don't like about it: Doug Gottlieb and a bunch of other fucknuts, I mean jagoffs, I mean . . . sweethearts . . . stand in front of a board showing some team's selection profile. Then they go something like, "If you look at their strength of schedule and their record versus the RPI top 50 then I think they're in." This is where I have my issue with the whole system. That's the end of it. "They're in." End of conversation about that team. Tell me why that team makes it in compared to another team. Tell me about a similar team from years past if that's what this whole system is based on. I've watched Merril Hoge for like 8 minutes use that stupid touch screen board to illustrate one play. If you're not going to show me highlights (which I think I've already made fun of at one point, maybe?) than at least tell me what your opinion is based on. I'm watching live Sportscenter. I clearly don't have a lot going on.
Also, his analogies about ordering something online or checking baseball standings are inappropriate. HEAR THAT MATT? YOU'RE WRONG!!!! HOW DOES THAT TASTE? I like the all caps look. It makes my words more intimidating. They really fly off the screen at you. But I digress. The reason you track a shipment is to make sure at some point you actually receive it. Remember your original Happy Feet slippers? Neither do I because you never got them. Someone checks shipments to make sure their investment has been fulfilled. You only check bracketology if you're a fucking homo. Just kidding, kind of. My point is that tracking a shipment has nothing to do with bracketology because one pertains to receiving an actual good and the other is some guy's opinion about whether a team is good enough to make the tournament, i.e. providing less benefit to society than the Cleveland Orchestra. That one really was a joke.
The baseball analogy is much more relevant but I think you're misinterpreting it. I agree that people check the standings because they want to see how their team is doing in relation to other teams. That's what bracketology apparently provides. But people don't look at standings in May in order to judge whether or not their team is going to make the playoffs. It's about how that team stacks up against the rest of the league. Have they separated themselves from the teams in their division, or their league or all of baseball? Is there one team that's on a completely different level than the other teams? It's not about whether they'll make the playoffs, rather it's whether or not they're playing better than the other teams at this point in the season. I like the ESPN standings because it has all the stats like runs scored and runs allowed and stuff like that so that you can really see how specific parts of your team compare to other competitors. In that regard its probably just like bracketology. But in terms of checking whether or not they'll make the playoffs? I really don't think that factors into it.
This is likley my last post regarding "Bracketologygate" because I'm sure you're either confused or bored or both by it. Don't apply this to this post because I'm sure you'll just be really mean about it but you people (What do you mean "you people"), yeah you people who actually read this crap need to get involved. Leave some comments, let me know how you're feeling. Do you enjoy my profanity laced rants or my incessant need to make fun of every commercial? I don't know because nobody will fucking tell me so I'm stuck here watching bullshit commercials hoping that you assholes give two shits about what I have to say. So speak out.
-Slick
For starters, I have to congratulate this Matt guy on capturing my voice in his blog. Pretty much spot on. However, I did not clearly articulate what it is about Bracketology that I hate so much. I have no problem with Joey "Brackets" Lunardi making a fake bracket seeding teams where he thinks they'll be placed. I write a public online diary so who am I to judge? I have absolutely no problem using the selection criteria in order to compare teams, in fact, I believe that was one of the things I praised about Bracketology. Here's what I don't like about it: Doug Gottlieb and a bunch of other fucknuts, I mean jagoffs, I mean . . . sweethearts . . . stand in front of a board showing some team's selection profile. Then they go something like, "If you look at their strength of schedule and their record versus the RPI top 50 then I think they're in." This is where I have my issue with the whole system. That's the end of it. "They're in." End of conversation about that team. Tell me why that team makes it in compared to another team. Tell me about a similar team from years past if that's what this whole system is based on. I've watched Merril Hoge for like 8 minutes use that stupid touch screen board to illustrate one play. If you're not going to show me highlights (which I think I've already made fun of at one point, maybe?) than at least tell me what your opinion is based on. I'm watching live Sportscenter. I clearly don't have a lot going on.
Also, his analogies about ordering something online or checking baseball standings are inappropriate. HEAR THAT MATT? YOU'RE WRONG!!!! HOW DOES THAT TASTE? I like the all caps look. It makes my words more intimidating. They really fly off the screen at you. But I digress. The reason you track a shipment is to make sure at some point you actually receive it. Remember your original Happy Feet slippers? Neither do I because you never got them. Someone checks shipments to make sure their investment has been fulfilled. You only check bracketology if you're a fucking homo. Just kidding, kind of. My point is that tracking a shipment has nothing to do with bracketology because one pertains to receiving an actual good and the other is some guy's opinion about whether a team is good enough to make the tournament, i.e. providing less benefit to society than the Cleveland Orchestra. That one really was a joke.
The baseball analogy is much more relevant but I think you're misinterpreting it. I agree that people check the standings because they want to see how their team is doing in relation to other teams. That's what bracketology apparently provides. But people don't look at standings in May in order to judge whether or not their team is going to make the playoffs. It's about how that team stacks up against the rest of the league. Have they separated themselves from the teams in their division, or their league or all of baseball? Is there one team that's on a completely different level than the other teams? It's not about whether they'll make the playoffs, rather it's whether or not they're playing better than the other teams at this point in the season. I like the ESPN standings because it has all the stats like runs scored and runs allowed and stuff like that so that you can really see how specific parts of your team compare to other competitors. In that regard its probably just like bracketology. But in terms of checking whether or not they'll make the playoffs? I really don't think that factors into it.
This is likley my last post regarding "Bracketologygate" because I'm sure you're either confused or bored or both by it. Don't apply this to this post because I'm sure you'll just be really mean about it but you people (What do you mean "you people"), yeah you people who actually read this crap need to get involved. Leave some comments, let me know how you're feeling. Do you enjoy my profanity laced rants or my incessant need to make fun of every commercial? I don't know because nobody will fucking tell me so I'm stuck here watching bullshit commercials hoping that you assholes give two shits about what I have to say. So speak out.
-Slick
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Slick's opinion of bracketology is . . .
wrong. That's right. This marks the first time that a blogger is being called out for his opinion by a fellow blogger in a scandal that I have wittingly dubbed "Bracketologygate."
For those of you unfamiliar with the branch of science know as bracketology, basically it's college basketball experts who study past tournament trends use them to create the NCAA tournament bracket at various points during the season. Slick argues goes something like this. "Who cares if a team would be a 5 seed in fucking December? A team could be in the tournament one day, lose a game and be out the next. It doesn't matter until March when the bracket comes out so stop talking about it because I don't give a shit. Also, you're just some fucking analyst who makes predictions. You don't even have anything to do with picking the fucking brackets so shut the fuck up." Solid argument. But I'm here to tell you as the world's biggest college basketball fan that bracketology is great. I check it all the time to see how my favorite team is doing, even though it's just some guy's opinion and not even a real bracket.
Let's think about it another way. You order something online. Maybe a shirt or shoes or a video game or books (which apparently are still written and sold. Who knew? Thanks Jon.) So your order is shipped and you check the tracking to see when it's supposed to arrive and where it is right now. Why do you do that? Who cares where it is now as long as it gets to your house when it's supposed to, right? Well you check it because you want to make sure it's on track to get to your house. That's exactly why people like bracketology. They like to see if their team is on track to get into the tournament. Yeah they could be in during January then go on a losing streak in be out, but when you check in January, you want to know where your team stands. Maybe its not the best comparison but it makes sense. How about one more relevant. I know that our main audience consists of Red Sox fans. Do you ever check the standings in May or August or any time before September (I know you check them in May cause you love to tell me that they're in first, but I'm not as sure about August). Why do you check? It doesn't matter because anything can change and usually does. We check the standings to see if our team is holding on to a playoff spot; to check how big their lead is in the division or the Wild Card. If we only cared about if they made the playoffs, we wouldn't care if they had a 5 game lead at the All-Star break. But we do. NESN shows the standings during every broadcast. The paper prints the standings everyday. Sports fans care about where their team stands.
There are hundreds of teams in college basketball. Bracketology is the best way to compare a team like Ohio St. and Maryland to a team like St. Marys or Gonzaga. The two teams play on opposite sides of the country. Ohio St. and Maryland. are in power conferences (Big Ten and ACC) and the others are in the mid-major WCC. Ohio St. is 24-7. Maryland is 22-7. Meanwhile St. Mary's just won the WCC and is 26-5 and Gonzaga finished second at 25-5. Based on these records it would be hard to decide who was best. St. Mary's had the best record, but play in a weaker conference so how does that compare to Maryland, who had a much tougher schedule? Bracketology shows you exactly how the Selection committee will view these teams. As of now, Ohio St., Maryland, St. Mary's and Gonzaga are seeded 2, 6, 10, and 7. It would be impossible for fans to examine all factors that go into these rankings, like RPI, schedule strength, road wins, etc. Bracketology analyzes these factors for you so you can compare all these teams.
Look. I understand that hearing bracketology everyday can get annoying. But they don't shove it down your throat until the last few weeks of the season. Its only on Sportscenter starting in late February. It isn't Brett Favre or the NFL draft. Slick is sick of it cause he hears about it all season long because I watch a lot of college basketball. College basketball fans like hearing the debate about which teams are tournament-worthy, so it's discussed on college basketball shows all season long. When the more casual fans want to hear about the tournament as it approaches and they are preparing to fill out their brackets, it becomes more mainstream.
So sorry Slick but you're wrong on this one.
(By the way, I saw Shutter Island. I was gonna write a review of it but I didn't wanna pull a Martelly and spoil anything and it was too hard to write a review worthy of this website without potentially ruining any parts of the movie for our wide audience. So I'll just say me and my friends all liked it. It's definitely worth a watch, especially if you have $10-12 laying around that you really want to spend.
And Punta Cana is an awesome place to go for Spring Break. I think. I don't really remember. Good thing girls like to take so many pictures.)
-Matt
For those of you unfamiliar with the branch of science know as bracketology, basically it's college basketball experts who study past tournament trends use them to create the NCAA tournament bracket at various points during the season. Slick argues goes something like this. "Who cares if a team would be a 5 seed in fucking December? A team could be in the tournament one day, lose a game and be out the next. It doesn't matter until March when the bracket comes out so stop talking about it because I don't give a shit. Also, you're just some fucking analyst who makes predictions. You don't even have anything to do with picking the fucking brackets so shut the fuck up." Solid argument. But I'm here to tell you as the world's biggest college basketball fan that bracketology is great. I check it all the time to see how my favorite team is doing, even though it's just some guy's opinion and not even a real bracket.
Let's think about it another way. You order something online. Maybe a shirt or shoes or a video game or books (which apparently are still written and sold. Who knew? Thanks Jon.) So your order is shipped and you check the tracking to see when it's supposed to arrive and where it is right now. Why do you do that? Who cares where it is now as long as it gets to your house when it's supposed to, right? Well you check it because you want to make sure it's on track to get to your house. That's exactly why people like bracketology. They like to see if their team is on track to get into the tournament. Yeah they could be in during January then go on a losing streak in be out, but when you check in January, you want to know where your team stands. Maybe its not the best comparison but it makes sense. How about one more relevant. I know that our main audience consists of Red Sox fans. Do you ever check the standings in May or August or any time before September (I know you check them in May cause you love to tell me that they're in first, but I'm not as sure about August). Why do you check? It doesn't matter because anything can change and usually does. We check the standings to see if our team is holding on to a playoff spot; to check how big their lead is in the division or the Wild Card. If we only cared about if they made the playoffs, we wouldn't care if they had a 5 game lead at the All-Star break. But we do. NESN shows the standings during every broadcast. The paper prints the standings everyday. Sports fans care about where their team stands.
There are hundreds of teams in college basketball. Bracketology is the best way to compare a team like Ohio St. and Maryland to a team like St. Marys or Gonzaga. The two teams play on opposite sides of the country. Ohio St. and Maryland. are in power conferences (Big Ten and ACC) and the others are in the mid-major WCC. Ohio St. is 24-7. Maryland is 22-7. Meanwhile St. Mary's just won the WCC and is 26-5 and Gonzaga finished second at 25-5. Based on these records it would be hard to decide who was best. St. Mary's had the best record, but play in a weaker conference so how does that compare to Maryland, who had a much tougher schedule? Bracketology shows you exactly how the Selection committee will view these teams. As of now, Ohio St., Maryland, St. Mary's and Gonzaga are seeded 2, 6, 10, and 7. It would be impossible for fans to examine all factors that go into these rankings, like RPI, schedule strength, road wins, etc. Bracketology analyzes these factors for you so you can compare all these teams.
Look. I understand that hearing bracketology everyday can get annoying. But they don't shove it down your throat until the last few weeks of the season. Its only on Sportscenter starting in late February. It isn't Brett Favre or the NFL draft. Slick is sick of it cause he hears about it all season long because I watch a lot of college basketball. College basketball fans like hearing the debate about which teams are tournament-worthy, so it's discussed on college basketball shows all season long. When the more casual fans want to hear about the tournament as it approaches and they are preparing to fill out their brackets, it becomes more mainstream.
So sorry Slick but you're wrong on this one.
(By the way, I saw Shutter Island. I was gonna write a review of it but I didn't wanna pull a Martelly and spoil anything and it was too hard to write a review worthy of this website without potentially ruining any parts of the movie for our wide audience. So I'll just say me and my friends all liked it. It's definitely worth a watch, especially if you have $10-12 laying around that you really want to spend.
And Punta Cana is an awesome place to go for Spring Break. I think. I don't really remember. Good thing girls like to take so many pictures.)
-Matt
UConn Women's Basketball and People That Annoy Me
Today my roommate called me a hater. Well, they say you should just do what you're best at and I enjoy getting angry at things that aren't really that big of a deal. Not really that angry but like pretend angry with lots of yelling and swearing. Whatever. Fuck it. Also I apologize in advance and ex post facto that my posts are so long. But you enjoy it . . . right?
UConn Women's Basketball:
Winning 71 games or whatever their streak will eventually be is impressive. Winning that many games in a row by an average of 30+ points is really impressive. I'm not going to deny that, but here's the thing: don't try to compare men's and women's basketball. They are in no way the same thing. Pat Summit owns the career record for most wins in NCAA Basketball. But she coaches women. When there are like 6 good teams it's not really that difficult to win that many games. Bob Knight's 903 wins are much more impressive because he wasn't the only fucking team out there. It's not the same thing. Now before you call me a sexist or say anything you can't take back just wait a minute. I said the same thing last week when the Division III coach passed Bob Knight. Don't act like they're the same thing. You have to take it for what it is. Is he the winningest men's coach in Division III history? Yeah but that doesn't mean that they're the same thing. Don't compare the UConn women's streak to the UCLA men's streak. The UConn women are exceptional at what they do, but if you want to compare them to a men's team have them play any NCAA men's team and see what happens. I bet they get absolutely crushed. So don't try to tell me that this is the most impressive college basketball team of all time because then you're belittling what it really means and turn it into some kind of joke where assholes like me write some opinion piece that no one reads. Also, women suck at basketball.
Bracketology:
If you've watched Sportscenter at any point this month you undoubtedly saw something about whether or not a team will qualify for the NCAA tournament. A fellow mmmmopinioner and I have disagreed about the value of these segments but this is my mmmmopinion and he is more than welcome to write his own. I don't like it. I don't need to know on February 16 whether or not Virginia Tech has done enough to qualify for the tournament because the season isn't over. Do you want to make the tournament? Win some more fucking games. No team has ever hurt their chances by winning a game. Besides, it changes every week depending on what you do that week so I just think it's fucking stupid. With that being said he correctly pointed out that it's a useful tool in comparing two teams because you can look at which team has a more impressive resume up to that point. I didn't think of that so I thank him for pointing it out. But here's why I hate it. This morning on Sportscenter Doug Gottlieb was giving his opinion on whether or not certain teams were in, if theoretically they released the brackets today. On the 9am version he had Illinois in the tournament. At 10am, he had them out of the tournament. WELL WHAT CHANGED DOUG? WHAT HAD ILLINOIS DONE IN AN HOUR TO WORK THEIR WAY OUT OF THE TOURNAMENT? Douchefuck.
Adding Gate to the end of every scandal:
It drives me absolutely batshit fucking crazy. It was called the Watergate scandal because it was the Watergate hotel complex. They didn't just add a random fucking word. What does Spygate mean? What's the gate in that? What does strippergate or hookergate or whatever they called it mean? What does Winegate have to do with a way to guard your property? Maybe it's the easiest way to refer to a scandal, but it makes me legitimately angry. I swear to god that if you use gate to refer to a scandal around me I will probably give you an angry look and use some language that will make your grandfather blush. It's probably on the Transformers 2 level of how much I hate it.
So that I don't die at age 26 from a heart attack/stress I'll again choose to end things on the lighter side. Today I was walking across campus between classes when I heard a fellow scholar utter the following sentence. Now be forewarned, I have absolutely no idea what this means or what context it could possibly be used in. But here goes: Excitedly talking to a group of friends she exclaimed, "But I'm just so super not-pregnant right now." I . . . just . . . don't even know.
-Slick
UConn Women's Basketball:
Winning 71 games or whatever their streak will eventually be is impressive. Winning that many games in a row by an average of 30+ points is really impressive. I'm not going to deny that, but here's the thing: don't try to compare men's and women's basketball. They are in no way the same thing. Pat Summit owns the career record for most wins in NCAA Basketball. But she coaches women. When there are like 6 good teams it's not really that difficult to win that many games. Bob Knight's 903 wins are much more impressive because he wasn't the only fucking team out there. It's not the same thing. Now before you call me a sexist or say anything you can't take back just wait a minute. I said the same thing last week when the Division III coach passed Bob Knight. Don't act like they're the same thing. You have to take it for what it is. Is he the winningest men's coach in Division III history? Yeah but that doesn't mean that they're the same thing. Don't compare the UConn women's streak to the UCLA men's streak. The UConn women are exceptional at what they do, but if you want to compare them to a men's team have them play any NCAA men's team and see what happens. I bet they get absolutely crushed. So don't try to tell me that this is the most impressive college basketball team of all time because then you're belittling what it really means and turn it into some kind of joke where assholes like me write some opinion piece that no one reads. Also, women suck at basketball.
Bracketology:
If you've watched Sportscenter at any point this month you undoubtedly saw something about whether or not a team will qualify for the NCAA tournament. A fellow mmmmopinioner and I have disagreed about the value of these segments but this is my mmmmopinion and he is more than welcome to write his own. I don't like it. I don't need to know on February 16 whether or not Virginia Tech has done enough to qualify for the tournament because the season isn't over. Do you want to make the tournament? Win some more fucking games. No team has ever hurt their chances by winning a game. Besides, it changes every week depending on what you do that week so I just think it's fucking stupid. With that being said he correctly pointed out that it's a useful tool in comparing two teams because you can look at which team has a more impressive resume up to that point. I didn't think of that so I thank him for pointing it out. But here's why I hate it. This morning on Sportscenter Doug Gottlieb was giving his opinion on whether or not certain teams were in, if theoretically they released the brackets today. On the 9am version he had Illinois in the tournament. At 10am, he had them out of the tournament. WELL WHAT CHANGED DOUG? WHAT HAD ILLINOIS DONE IN AN HOUR TO WORK THEIR WAY OUT OF THE TOURNAMENT? Douchefuck.
Adding Gate to the end of every scandal:
It drives me absolutely batshit fucking crazy. It was called the Watergate scandal because it was the Watergate hotel complex. They didn't just add a random fucking word. What does Spygate mean? What's the gate in that? What does strippergate or hookergate or whatever they called it mean? What does Winegate have to do with a way to guard your property? Maybe it's the easiest way to refer to a scandal, but it makes me legitimately angry. I swear to god that if you use gate to refer to a scandal around me I will probably give you an angry look and use some language that will make your grandfather blush. It's probably on the Transformers 2 level of how much I hate it.
So that I don't die at age 26 from a heart attack/stress I'll again choose to end things on the lighter side. Today I was walking across campus between classes when I heard a fellow scholar utter the following sentence. Now be forewarned, I have absolutely no idea what this means or what context it could possibly be used in. But here goes: Excitedly talking to a group of friends she exclaimed, "But I'm just so super not-pregnant right now." I . . . just . . . don't even know.
-Slick
The USPS is. . .
terrible. Seriously. They literally have no idea what they are doing with my mail. I think we should scrap the whole postal system and let Amazon do it.
I ordered some books from Amazon about a week ago. Yes, I am a nerd who reads books. (For you slow folks, books are like movies except you have to imagine the visuals and the words aren't spoken out loud. I have now spent several years living with people who don't read.) According to Amazon's sweet tracking service, my package went out for shipping on March 3rd. Now, since I am super cheap and use the free shipping option, I expected my stuff in about a week. However, according to the United States Postal Service, they had no idea that I was even going to receive a package. Hmmm. . .
How can Amazon be able to tell me exactly when my package left Lexington, KY, but the people responsible for delivering it have no idea that they even have it. It took until March 8th for the package to even register on the USPS system! Who is running the show here?
To make it even more hilarious/moronic, this morning I decided to get wacky and look up my package location. According to USPS.com, they had just been notified that there was a package waiting to be picked up. Imagine my surprise when I open my front door 10 minutes ago and find the package. Wow, talk about fast service! According to Amazon, the package took 6 days to get here, which is not unreasonable. According to USPS, the package got here in less than 12 hours. Those lying bastards!
Clearly the post office is just randomly making the dates up after they have the package delivered. I am not sure that you can call a service "Track & Confirm" when there is no one doing the actual "Track" part. It should just be called "Imaginary Dates When We'll Give You Your Stuff." At least then it's true.
Are we sure we want the government in charge of health care? That's a little bit more important than my books. I can just picture it. You go in for an MRI on some random date, like April 18th. However, according to their records, and despite the actual scans they have on file, they were only notified on April 30th that they should be expecting you for an MRI. And then they take 6 weeks to send your scans to a doctor.
We're all going to die young.
-Jon
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Commercials That I Don't Hate . . . But It Doesn't Necessarily Mean I Like Them
I know. I was surprised to find out that there were some. No cream. No fluff. Just some good old fashioned . . . not hate.
NAPA Auto Parts:
I'm not sure if you've seen this commercial so let me break it down for you. A guy gets into his truck and goes to start it, only to find that it won't turn over. He then has the following monologue: "Oh come on. Not today. OH YOU'VE GOT TO BE [BLEEP]IN ME" I'm not making this up, they really censor their own commercial which I think is hilarious. Who intentionally makes a commercial so that it will have to be censored? Well, I mean you've read the blog so you know that I would, but it still shocks me that anyone else would. So kudos NAPA.
Bernie and Phyll's "Two and Half Men" Takeoff:
Now, I'm almost positive that no one's seen this one so I'm definitely going to break this badboy down. I usually make dinner sometime between 6:30 and 7:30 so I almost always throw Two and a Half Men on at 7. So the first time I heard it I was cooking in the kitchen and the episode ended. The "Men men men men manly men men men. . ." song comes on as the credits roll . . . no big deal. But then the song started again. Naturally perplexed, I glanced at the tv to see some chick with really broad shoulders doing the "manly men men" song. Huh? She's then joined by two dudes so at this point I'm confused as all hell. They finish the song and then it's just some regular bullshit furniture commercial with some really bad acting. So apparently the genius advertising department of Bernie and Phyll decided that their money was well spent appealing specifically to the audience that watches Two and a Half Men at 7 on channel 10 on whatever cable BC provides. Now normally I would hate this commercial because it's so stupid, but I'm just too confused by the thought process behind it.
St. Mary's Credit Union:
Because when I think of St. Mary, I almost immediately go to money lending. It's just a little baffling. I've never claimed to be a Bible expert but I'm pretty sure Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple, but his mother loves dolling out the sheckles. Simply baffling.
And now I'll end things on a less confusing although very frustrating note. I spent the weekend on Martha's Vineyard and we took a much dreaded mystery trip around the island. Eventually we came to a town called Gay Head. Seriously. You can look it up. Apparently they changed the name like 10 years ago but nobody gives a shit and they still call it Gay Head. So we're in Gay Head and we're running around with Patches and he meets a group of dogs. He's jumping around being a maniac when he decides he's going to get a little more intimate, so he started licking another dog's wiener. In Gay Head. The irony was not lost on me.
-Slick
NAPA Auto Parts:
I'm not sure if you've seen this commercial so let me break it down for you. A guy gets into his truck and goes to start it, only to find that it won't turn over. He then has the following monologue: "Oh come on. Not today. OH YOU'VE GOT TO BE [BLEEP]IN ME" I'm not making this up, they really censor their own commercial which I think is hilarious. Who intentionally makes a commercial so that it will have to be censored? Well, I mean you've read the blog so you know that I would, but it still shocks me that anyone else would. So kudos NAPA.
Bernie and Phyll's "Two and Half Men" Takeoff:
Now, I'm almost positive that no one's seen this one so I'm definitely going to break this badboy down. I usually make dinner sometime between 6:30 and 7:30 so I almost always throw Two and a Half Men on at 7. So the first time I heard it I was cooking in the kitchen and the episode ended. The "Men men men men manly men men men. . ." song comes on as the credits roll . . . no big deal. But then the song started again. Naturally perplexed, I glanced at the tv to see some chick with really broad shoulders doing the "manly men men" song. Huh? She's then joined by two dudes so at this point I'm confused as all hell. They finish the song and then it's just some regular bullshit furniture commercial with some really bad acting. So apparently the genius advertising department of Bernie and Phyll decided that their money was well spent appealing specifically to the audience that watches Two and a Half Men at 7 on channel 10 on whatever cable BC provides. Now normally I would hate this commercial because it's so stupid, but I'm just too confused by the thought process behind it.
St. Mary's Credit Union:
Because when I think of St. Mary, I almost immediately go to money lending. It's just a little baffling. I've never claimed to be a Bible expert but I'm pretty sure Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple, but his mother loves dolling out the sheckles. Simply baffling.
And now I'll end things on a less confusing although very frustrating note. I spent the weekend on Martha's Vineyard and we took a much dreaded mystery trip around the island. Eventually we came to a town called Gay Head. Seriously. You can look it up. Apparently they changed the name like 10 years ago but nobody gives a shit and they still call it Gay Head. So we're in Gay Head and we're running around with Patches and he meets a group of dogs. He's jumping around being a maniac when he decides he's going to get a little more intimate, so he started licking another dog's wiener. In Gay Head. The irony was not lost on me.
-Slick
Monday, March 1, 2010
A Little Investigative Journalism
Don't be fooled by that title, it's really nothing that important. I was looking on the Tosh.O website today for a clip I wanted to rewatch and there was something about the original "Rick Roll" video being removed, so naturally I went to Youtube and watched the video. Admittedly, I've seen this video about 50 times because it always makes me laugh and feel just a little bit better about myself that at least I'm not Rick Astley. But sweet baby Jesus did this viewing blow my mind. Watch the video and at the 1:15 mark begin paying close attention. Rick's doing his thing in a totally empty reception hall and apparently he's so good that the bartender begins to get a little freaky. Right after that at the 1:25 mark I'm pretty sure Rick Astley gives the internationally recognized signal to "suck it" made popular by DX of the World Wrestling Federation, I mean World Wrestling Entertainment, which by the way is a stupid fucking name. But that's not what this is about. There's another potential "suck it" at the 2:43 mark when the Vanilla Ice-looking motherfucker pulls it off but his is a little more ambiguous. The crux of the matter is this: did Rick Astley really just tell me to suck it?
-Slick
P.S. I'm a little jealous of his dance moves. Also, look for an entire review of this music video coming soon.
-Slick
P.S. I'm a little jealous of his dance moves. Also, look for an entire review of this music video coming soon.
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